The Hole to China

by Michael Rex

  #4: Why is there an old note from Mom that says “Remember to eat your vegetables!” right next to a bag of totally black carrots?

  #5: How is it possible that this apple has dried out to look exactly like an old dude?

  As Ricky stood talking to Stew and his mom, Stella ran out of the house.

  “Stella!” said their mom. “I told you that you can’t have boys over when I’m not here!”

  “I didn’t,” said Stella. She pointed at Ricky and said, “Her name is Uglina Grossella Hotwings!”

  Their mom didn’t smile. “Tell me the rest,” she said calmly.

  “Sure,” said Ricky.…

  I was freaking out now. “Your grandma’s trying to talk to us! That’s why her picture fell off the wall.”

  “My grandma isn’t trying to contact me! She’s not even dead!” said Stella. “She ran a five-K last week!”

  Then she shoved me again, and this time I hit the floor.

  As soon as I fell, the moaning got louder, and there was a strange bumping noise. Stella stood up, screamed, and ran off. It sounded like the moaning was coming from the basement. I pressed my ear to the floor.

  I stood up and ran to the basement. Nothing, but I could still hear the moaning. Then I figured it out!

  I ran outside and to the back of the house. I pushed through some bushes and saw that the little door that goes into the crawl space was open. I got down on my belly and wiggled in.

  It was really dark under there. I put my hand out, and it landed on some crickets. The really big green and brown ones that live under houses!

  They started hopping around like mad. I guess they alerted the other crickets, because all of a sudden there were like a thousand crickets bouncing all over me and getting stuck in my wig and stuff. I put my face down in the dirt, and it stuck to the makeup on my face.

  Then I saw Roxy, the dog from the poster. She was stuck under the house.

  She was howling so someone would help her. It wasn’t a ghost!

  I crawled closer. Her leash was still on, and it was caught between some pieces of wood. I tried to pull the leash free, but it was stuck. I unclipped the leash, and Roxy took off! She ran out the little door really fast.

  I crawled out as quickly as I could, but the crickets were going cricket crazy and bouncing all over. As soon as I stuck my head out of the crawl space, Stella pounded me with one of those big plastic Fat Bat baseball bats.

  “Stop! Stop!” I said.

  “Oh! I thought you were the ghost!” she said.

  “There’s no ghost! The lost dog was stuck under the house, but it got away from me!” I told her.

  “No ghost?” asked Stella.

  “Nope,” I said. “Your house is safe!”

  “You are awesome!” said Stella, and she shoved me really hard on the chest. I banged against the side of the house.

  “But I didn’t see a dog run by,” said Stella.

  We looked around outside for Roxy but couldn’t find her. We ran inside to get the flyer and call the Goofenhausers to tell them we saw their dog.

  Roxy was sitting on the couch, chewing a pillow.

  “OH NO!” said Stella.

  “We must have left the door open when we came out,” I said.

  “Here, Roxy, Roxy!” I called.

  Roxy stood up on the couch and shook the pillow hard. The stuffing started coming out and flying all over. I stepped closer to her. She put her head down and her butt up. She wanted to play. I took another step, and she jumped over the back of the couch and knocked a lamp down.

  Then she grabbed a piece of wood from next to the fireplace and ran around like a lunatic. I chased her and tried to grab her, but running in a dress is hard, and I slipped and knocked over a pile of magazines. When Stella tried to grab her, Roxy ran into the kitchen.

  Roxy was going so fast she slid on the tiled floor and banged into a small table. Some potatoes fell off the table. She dropped the piece of wood, grabbed a potato, and ran out the door!

  “Wow! She’s really fast!” I said.

  I found the flyer and handed it to Stella. “You call the Goofenhausers! I’ll follow Roxy!” I said, and then I ran out the door and smashed into Stew!

  “You see?” said Ricky. “We were just trying to help! C’mon! We gotta find that dog!”

  A car sped up the street and stopped in front of the house.

  “Hi! We’re the Goofenhausers,” said a lady. “Did you find Roxy?”

  “Yeah,” said Ricky, “but she ran off that way.” He pointed down the street. They could hear a dog barking.

  “I hear her,” said Mrs. Goofenhauser as she jumped out of her car.

  “That’s her bark, all right!” cried Mr. Goofenhauser.

  They all ran down the street, following the bark to Ricky’s house.

  Ricky and Stew looked at each other.

  “The hole!” they said at the same time.

  They ran to the Hole-tel.

  There, at the bottom, was Roxy, happily drinking from the toilet.

  A few minutes later, the Goofenhausers had gotten Roxy from the hole. The dog licked their faces and wagged her tail happily. Mr. Goofenhauser looked at Ricky and asked, “Are you the girl who called us?”

  Ricky laughed. “No. That was Stella. My name’s Ricky. I’m a boy,” he said, pulling off the wig.

  Mr. Goofenhauser laughed and sighed. “Well, that’s a relief,” he said, “because you are one really ugly girl!”

  MICHAEL REX is the creator of over thirty books for children, including the number one bestseller Goodnight Goon and the Fangbone! series. He was inspired to create Icky Ricky by his two boys, Declan and Gavin, who are fine young citizens, but very disgusting. Gavin eats ketchup on his cake, and Declan uses a purple marker to color his belly button. Along with the boys, Mr. Rex lives with his wife and their dog, Roxy, in Leonia, New Jersey. Both his wife and the dog are not disgusting at all. Visit him at mikerexbooks.blogspot.com. You won’t get dirty.