Clean Slate

by Andrea Bramhall

  Morgan slid the string from her finger and helped Maddie put it on. “Well, let’s give it a try and see.” Twenty minutes later, she looked up as Maddie executed her first walk the dog on her own and caught Erin watching her before she turned back to watching the game. She smiled and then went back to helping Maddie with her new toy. Every few minutes, she would look up to see how the soccer game was progressing. By half time Tristan had saved another five shots, and his team had scored again. They all ran to the sidelines, grabbed drinks, orange segments, and sat down to listen to their coach.

  “Maddie, do you want something to eat?” Erin ran her fingers through her hair as she spoke.

  “Yes, please.” Maddie wound the string up and slipped the loop back on her finger.

  “I put a banana and a packet of crisps in your bag this morning.”

  “Can I have a hotdog?” She looked up and grinned cheekily.

  “What’s wrong with the banana and crisps?”

  “Nothing. But I like hotdogs.”

  “Okay, straight there and back.”

  Maddie made a cross over her chest. “Promise.”

  Erin fished her purse out of her coat pocket. “Do you want anything?” She glanced over at Morgan.

  “I’ll go with her.”

  “Yay!” Maddie wiggled as Morgan quickly got out of her chair.

  Maddie reached out and grabbed hold of Morgan’s hand and led her toward the concessions stand. The warmth of Maddie’s fingers penetrated her own as she skipped along.

  “I’ve got important stuff to tell you.”

  Morgan smiled down at her. “You do?”

  “Yep. The third of October.”

  “What about it?”

  Maddie frowned slightly. “That’s my birthday. Mum said you don’t remember it. So I made you a list. It’s in my bag, on my chair.”

  Morgan stumbled slightly as she stared at her. “I’m sorry, Maddie.”

  “What for?”

  “That I can’t remember. It must be very upsetting for you.”

  “Well, yes. But you can learn my birthday, so it’s okay. I’ll teach you the important stuff.”

  “That’s good. Can you teach me texting too?”

  Maddie giggled. “I’m not allowed a mobile till I go to secondary school.”

  “Oh. Why not?”

  “I can’t remember. It was just what you said. Tristan’s got one. He’s always texting his girlfriend, so he can teach you.”

  “Tristan has a girlfriend?” My son has a girlfriend? I don’t know whether to be proud or terrified.

  “Yep. She’s called Isabelle, and she’s older than him, and she’s got pretty blond hair and they were kissing at the basketball center, but no tongues.”

  Terrified. Definitely terrified. “Oh. Does your mum know about Isabelle?”

  “Uh huh. She told me not to tell tales.”

  They reached the hotdog stand and she scanned the menu.

  “Can I help you?” The woman wore a baseball hat and a white striped navy apron over her ample body.

  “Three hotdogs, please.”

  “You want onions on them?”

  Morgan looked at Maddie, who shook her head. “No, thank you. Do you want a drink, young lady?”

  “Hot chocolate, please.”

  “And what will your mum want?”

  “Coffee, with milk and two sugars.”

  Morgan turned back to the woman. “One hot chocolate and two coffees as well.”

  The woman was efficient as she filled their order and put the polystyrene cups on the counter. “Milk and sugar is over there.” She pointed to the other end of the counter. “Do you want lids for these?”

  “Yes, please.” Morgan doctored the coffees and wrapped the hotdogs for Maddie to carry, and struggled to put the hot cups in a triangle to carry herself without spilling them. She turned and took a couple of steps.

  “Mum, why don’t you ask the lady for a cup tray?”

  “A what?”

  Maddie rolled her eyes and retrieved one from the woman. Morgan quickly put the drinks in and took one of the hotdogs from Maddie, so she had less to carry.

  “Thank you.”

  “What for?” Maddie looked at her curiously.

  “I didn’t know about these.” She waved the loaded cup holder.

  “Did they not have them in the olden days?”

  Morgan tried not to laugh. “No, I don’t remember these.”

  “Oh, right. S’pose there’s lots of stuff like that. Do you know about microwaves?”

  “Yes, I know about them.”

  “What about DVDs?”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s what we watch films and stuff on.”

  “Oh, videos.”

  “No, silly. Nobody has them anymore. Mum threw out the old ones of our baby movies when she got them put on DVDs last year.”

  “I’d like to see them.”

  “Well, DVDs are everywhere.”

  “No, I meant your baby films.”

  “Oh, I’ll ask mum. I think she’s got some of them on her iPad.”

  “Your mum has an iPad?”

  “Yep. You got it for her for her birthday last year. You put pictures of us all on it for her and all her favorite songs and films and stuff. She cried and said you were wonderful, and then she kissed you and we all went out to a restaurant.”

  “I’m beginning to think food is very important to you, young lady.”

  “Mum says I’m a dustbin.”

  “Does she now?”

  “Yep, and that Tristan has hollow legs, ’cos he eats so much.”

  She skipped the last twenty yards to Erin and handed over the hotdog. She wriggled onto her chair and grinned as Morgan handed over her hot chocolate. She put it in the drinks holder and unwrapped her hotdog.

  “Coffee?”

  Erin glanced up. “Thanks.” She took the drink and peered around Morgan. “They just conceded another penalty and one of Tristan’s teammates has been sent off.”

  “Why?”

  “He fouled the other boy. Clearly. So when the referee gave him a yellow card he started mouthing off. That’s his mother on the pitch arguing with the referee now.”

  The woman was waving her arms as she told the man what she thought of his refereeing skills and where he was in the evolutionary scale. Another man walked over to her and grabbed her arm, trying to pull her away.

  “That her husband?”

  “Nope. That’s her new boyfriend. I believe he’s the fifth new boyfriend that has accompanied her to matches since Christmas.”

  “Ouch. How’s your hotdog, Maddie?”

  “S’good, fanks,” she said around a mouthful.

  “Don’t talk with your mouth full.” Erin took a bite of her own.

  Maddie made a show of swallowing. “Sorry, Mum.”

  The woman was escorted off the pitch and the referee placed the ball on the penalty spot before indicating that the striker could come forward to take the shot. Tristan was on his line, knees flexed, arms out at his sides, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet as he watched the striker spin the ball then place it on the spot. He took several steps back, staring first at the ball, then at Tristan.

  Tristan smiled, shimmied his hips, and waited. The referee blew his whistle and the striker took off running for the ball. He blasted it toward the goal with all the power he could muster. Tristan moved as soon as his foot connected with the ball, jumping high and to the left. He stopped the ball with his chest and curled his arms in to secure it as he hit the ground.

  Morgan and Erin jumped to their feet, yelling proudly. Morgan spread her arms wide with glee; it felt so natural to pull Erin into her embrace as she celebrated. She didn’t even think about it until Erin froze in her arms, her body stiff and unyielding.

  “Let me go, Morgan.” Erin’s voice was little more than a whisper.

  “I’m sorry. I got carried away.” She let her arms drop and backed away.
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br />   “I’m not here for you. I’m here for our children.” Erin’s voice was only just loud enough for her to hear.

  Morgan swallowed her disappointment. “I’m sorry.” For a brief moment, she’d felt Erin’s body against her own, smelled apples in her hair, and heard her quick intake of breath. She felt as if she were home. She didn’t want to think about the loss of contact, or that even the briefest, most innocent, of touches was so unwelcome. They sat down again and Morgan felt the wall between them as solidly as though it were real.

  Maddie finished her drink and rummaged through her backpack. She knelt next to Morgan and handed her a piece of paper. “Here’s the list I made for you. It’s got all the important stuff on it.”

  Morgan took it and glanced down the list. Birthdays, middle names, sports, favorite colors, games.

  “What’s a Wii?”

  “It’s a game.”

  “What kind of game?”

  “Erm, all sorts. There’s running ones, and kickboxing, and I like the dancing one, and Tristan likes the snowboarding one.”

  Morgan knew she was frowning, but she was getting more and more confused. “Maddie, I don’t understand. Are these sports you both do?”

  “It’s a computer games console. Like the SEGA Megadrive, with that blue hedgehog you and Nikki used to play all the time.” Erin smiled and ruffled Maddie’s hair. “It’s interactive and they love it. I’m sure they’ll show you.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  “Can I ask you something?” Maddie’s hand was on her knee.

  “Of course.”

  “What should I call you now?”

  “Oh, erm.” She ignored Erin’s gasp, and tried to think what would be best for Maddie. Such a simple question, but every answer was a minefield. “What did you call me before?”

  Maddie cocked her head to one side. “Mum.”

  “Is that what you want to call me now?”

  Maddie nodded. “Yes, but I don’t know if I’m supposed to.”

  “Why not?”

  “’Cos you don’t remember being my mum.”

  The air suddenly felt thicker, harder to breathe, and tears filled Maddie’s eyes. Morgan’s fingers shook as she stroked Maddie’s cheek. “I feel like your mum, baby girl.” She took hold of Maddie’s hand. “If you want to call me Mum, you go right ahead. If that doesn’t feel right yet, you can tell me, and we’ll think of something else.”

  Maddie crawled onto Morgan’s lap and wrapped her arms around her neck. Morgan didn’t care how much her ribs ached from the move, or how much her shoulder throbbed, there was no way she was letting go. She wrapped her arms around the precious bundle and closed her eyes. She sucked in a deep lungful of Maddie’s sweet scent, apple shampoo like Erin’s, talcum powder, and soap. She ran her fingers through the silky tresses and let her tears fall freely, oblivious to everything and everyone around her.

  *

  Tristan was the last player to leave the pitch, after congratulations from the rest of his teammates. He walked slowly toward them. Morgan smiled and hoped she didn’t look as scared as she felt. He walked to Erin first and grudgingly accepted her congratulatory kiss. Maddie wrapped her arms about his waist and declared him the “bestest goal keeper in England.” He smiled at her enthusiasm and turned slowly to face Morgan.

  “Hi.” Morgan stepped toward him, but froze as he took a step back and pulled Maddie in front of him, tickling her ribs as he did.

  “Hello.” His voice was cool, distant, and so unlike the passionate young man who had been shouting at his teammates for the better part of the last two hours. It cut Morgan to the core.

  For the second time in an hour, she hid her disappointment, and smiled through the pain she felt. “Thank you for asking me to come. You played brilliantly. Those penalty saves were fantastic.”

  “You missed the first one.”

  She felt herself blushing after being called on her overly exuberant response. “Sorry, I got lost. But your mum told me, and I saw the second one. You played really well, Tristan.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Trist, look at this.” Maddie pulled her yo-yo out of her pocket and held it up. “It’s an olden day toy, and Mum showed me how to do tricks. Watch.” She started to work through the simple tricks that Morgan had shown her, but Tristan kept looking at Morgan.

  “Maddie, I need to go to the ladies. Come with me?” Erin held out her hand.

  “But I’m showing Tristan my yo-yo.”

  Erin cocked her head and raised an eyebrow.

  “Okay, I’m coming.” She followed behind Erin, wrapping the string tight around the core as she went, her tongue poking between her teeth as she concentrated.

  “Subtle.” Tristan dropped heavily into Erin’s chair and fished a bottle of sports drink from her bag.

  “As a ton of bricks.” She smiled and sat back down. “You really did play brilliantly.”

  He shrugged. “Just doing what I do.”

  She almost laughed at the cocky attitude, but she knew she had to tread carefully, and teasing him wasn’t going to work right now.

  “I heard you play basketball too.”

  “Yep.” He took a long drink from the bottle and then fiddled with the lid.

  “Are you good?”

  He shrugged again. “I’m all right.”

  “You enjoy it?”

  “Wouldn’t play if I didn’t.” He pushed the cap on firmly and tossed it into the bag.

  “Right.”

  “Mum said she doesn’t know if you’ll ever get your memories back.”

  “No. That’s pretty much what the doctors say. When I was in the hospital, I had some seizures, because of the concussion. Well, they caused some brain damage, I suppose. There’s scar tissue on my brain. They think that’s part of the reason why I can’t remember stuff.”

  “So you’re never going to remember?”

  “Some things might come back, but some of it won’t. And there’s no way to tell what will or won’t.” They sat in silence for a few minutes.

  “Was it scary?” He picked at the dirt under his nails.

  “Yeah. I thought it was a joke at first. Now it’s not so much scary as sad.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’ve missed so much.”

  “Like what?” He slouched further down in his chair, looking out across the empty field.

  “Like holding you when you were little. Seeing you take your first steps, your first words, first day at school. Everything.”

  “But you didn’t miss all that. I remember you taking me to school and stuff.”

  “I don’t,” Morgan whispered.

  He dropped his chin to his chest, seemingly lost in thought. “So what do you want from me?”

  “I just want to spend time with you. To get to know you. Just to be in your life. As your mum if you want me to be. If not, however you want.”

  He looked at her. “So it’s up to me?”

  Morgan swallowed, dreading his rejection. “Yes. If you want me to leave you alone, I will. I know that I hurt you, although I can’t remember why, and I know this must be really, really hard for you. I don’t want to make it harder.”

  “You wouldn’t try to make me?”

  Morgan shook her head. She knew her voice wouldn’t hold if she opened her mouth.

  “I need to think about it.”

  She inclined her head. “Okay.”

  He stood up and started to pack away the folding chairs. Erin and Maddie walked across the football pitch, hand in hand.

  “Everything okay?” She touched Tristan’s shoulder.

  “Yeah. I need to go and get a shower.”

  “Okay.” Erin picked up her bag. “Maddie, say good-bye.”

  “But I don’t want to go yet.” She ran to Morgan and wrapped her arms about her waist. “Can you come home now?”

  Morgan knelt and hugged her. “You’ll see me again soon, baby girl. I promise. Your mum and I, we’ll talk and sort something ou
t.” She looked up at Erin. “Right?”

  Erin blinked. “Yes.”

  “You can speak to me whenever you like. I’m staying with Nikki and Amy. Do you know the number there?”

  “No.”

  “It’s in the book, sweetie.” Erin stroked Maddie’s hair.

  “See. It’s already there. And I’ll call you too.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.” Morgan made a cross over her heart.

  “Love you, Mum.”

  Morgan’s heart filled with joy and broke with anguish as she held Maddie to her chest. “Love you too, baby girl.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “You look like you’ve found a penny and lost a tenner.” Chris patted Erin on the back and perched on the bar stool next to her. “Pint of lager, please,” he said to the bartender when she held up a glass toward him.

  Erin shrugged and finished the last mouthful of wine. When the woman put Chris’s drink in front of him, she raised her glass, indicating her desire for another, and then fished in her pocket for her purse.

  “I’ll get these.” Chris paid for their drinks, and Erin took a long swallow. Chris raised his eyebrow, but refrained from saying anything. “Who’s looking after the kids?”

  “Sitter.” Erin sipped her wine and wondered how long Chris would wait before he started in with his questions. She knew she needed to talk, to vent, and figure out what was going on in her head. Chris was always the best one to help her with that. Even off the clock, he couldn’t seem to stop being a shrink. But she didn’t want to talk. She wanted to get drunk and forget everything. She laughed at the irony.

  “What’s the joke?”

  “I was just thinking that I wanted to get drunk and forget everything. But since forgetting everything is part of the problem, I don’t think that’s going to help.”

  Chris smiled. “Probably not.” He bumped her with his shoulder. “Want to find a table? Bit more private.”

  She nodded and followed him away from the bar. He found them a small table in the corner and pointed for her to sit first.

  “So how did the footie match go?”

  “About the way I expected it to.”

  Chris sipped his drink, obviously waiting for her to continue.

  “Maddie was shy at first, but Morgan brought a yo-yo and started teaching her different tricks. She called her Mum again.” Her voice was husky and thick with emotion.