Clean Slate

by Andrea Bramhall

  “Is he okay to go up there?”

  Maddie giggled. “He’s been going up there since we first came here. He’s showing off today.”

  I just bet he is. “Okay, kiddo, pull me up.” She held her hands out to Maddie, and they giggled their way back to the top of the small rise. After half a dozen successful attempts in a row, Maddie declared her good enough for the baby slope. Morgan looked up at the gentle incline, but the thought of coming down it with smooth wooden planks on her feet was intimidating.

  “Why don’t you head up and enjoy yourself. I’ll wait for you at the bottom, then you don’t have to worry about me.”

  Maddie shook her head. “I can’t.” She pointed to a sign hanging by the door. It was too far away for them to read. “I’m under twelve so I have to have an adult supervisor to go on the lift and the slope.”

  “I can supervise from here.”

  Maddie put her hands on her hips. “No, you can’t. Don’t be scared. You can do it.”

  “I’m not scared,” Morgan huffed. I’m terrified! Maddie’s head cocked to one side, and her little eyebrow rose. Oh God, she got that look from Erin. No, I won’t go there today. I will not spoil my time with the kids. “Come on then, lead me to my doom!”

  From the bottom, the slope looked mild and easy. At the top, Morgan’s heart was pounding and her palms sweated inside her gloves. Maddie pulled her goggles down to cover her eyes and got herself ready to push off.

  “Remember, don’t push the first time. Just let yourself roll. Just slide off, and remember pizza to slow down. And don’t fall.”

  “Slide. Pizza. Don’t fall. Got it.”

  “Okay, you follow behind me, Mum.”

  “Right.” Morgan bent her knees and stared down the hill. What the fuck was I thinking? I can’t do this. I’m gonna end up on my arse, in front of everyone, embarrassing myself, and the kids. I’ll embarrass Tristan in front of his girlfriend. Oh shit! I should have stayed at ho—

  “Mum, are you ready yet?”

  You can only die once, right? “Yep.”

  Maddie set off slowly, carving her path and flicking her eyes over her shoulder. Morgan took a deep breath, mentally crossing herself, and said the Lord’s Prayer. She leaned forward and let the skis find their path. That’s what Maddie said, let them find their path, then pizza to slow the buggers down. She quickly gathered speed.

  “Pizza, Mum!” Maddie shouted as Morgan flew by her.

  Morgan tried to create the triangle shape Maddie had shown her. Pizza? Damn feet, pizza!

  She tried to force the skis into position, but the tips crossed and she hurtled forward even as her legs and skis planted firmly in the snow. She let go of her ski poles and tried to brace with her arms. Rolling and sliding down the length of the slope, she landed on her back gasping up at the high, corrugated steel roof. Her skis were still fixed to her boots and her legs were twisted in odd directions. Ow.

  Maddie and Tristan both appeared at her side in seconds, their voices filled with panic. A wave of dizziness washed over her and she felt nauseous.

  “Mum, can you hear me?” Tristan was out of his skis and on his knees. She blinked up at him, and reached out to stroke his cheek. “Are you all right?”

  “Mum, say something.” Maddie grasped her hand.

  “Ow.” They both drew back. Morgan shook her head. “My knee’s killing.”

  One of the staff members stood over her, nodding down at her knee. “I think you’re going to need an x-ray on that. I’ll call an ambulance.” He looked at Tristan. “If your dad’s about, kid, you might want to call him.”

  Tristan rolled his eyes and smiled at Morgan. “We’re all right, thanks.”

  “Your mum’s gonna kill me.”

  Tristan grinned. “Nah, we’ll say you were stunt skiing. You did cartwheels down that hill on purpose.”

  “I’m sorry, Mum.” Maddie was crying.

  “What are you sorry for? I’m the one who’s spoiled the afternoon for you guys.”

  “I made you do it.”

  Morgan pulled her in for an awkward hug. “Nah, you didn’t. If I really hadn’t wanted to do it, you wouldn’t have been able to make me. Dry your eyes, baby girl, it’s not so bad.” She didn’t want to think about the angle her lower leg was lying at and tried to breathe through the pain. She looked at Tristan. “Where’s Isabelle?”

  “She’s here.” He pointed behind him, and the girl stepped forward.

  “Isabelle, you’ll have to come to the hospital with us, and then we can contact your parents. They can either come and get you, or we’ll see if their mum can take you home. Okay?” The girl nodded, her hand on Tristan’s shoulder. They smiled at each other, a sweet, tender kind of smile. Morgan closed her eyes and tried not to vomit from the pain and embarrass her son even further.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Erin’s heels clicked on the tiled hospital floor, again. She rolled her eyes when the same receptionist greeted her with the same saccharine smile, nasal voice, and couldn’t-care-less attitude.

  “Hi, how can I help you?”

  “Morgan Masters. I got a call.”

  “Mum, we’re over here.” Maddie waved as Erin turned around. She smiled and shrugged at the receptionist before heading for the cubicle with its drab curtain surround. Maddie sat at the foot of the bed, painting Morgan’s toenails with pink glitter nail varnish, while Morgan dozed. Tristan sat in the chair playing a game on his phone, the pretty blond girlfriend perched on the arm, leaning close to him and twirling her hair around her fingers, her fingernails covered in the same pink glitter color that was now decorating Maddie’s fingers and Morgan’s toes.

  “Hey, so what happened?” She ruffled Maddie’s hair and smiled at the teens in the chair.

  “Mum did cartwheels down the baby slope.” Maddie giggled.

  “It wasn’t cartwheels. That speed, they’re more like somersaults.” Morgan opened her eyes and tried to pull herself up the bed. “Thanks for coming.”

  Erin shrugged. “I was hardly going to leave you all to your own devices. God knows what would happen!” She winked at Tristan. “What’s the verdict?” She pointed at Morgan’s leg. The sturdy knee brace started at mid-calf and went all the way up her thigh, holding her leg at a thirty-degree angle.

  “Not dislocated, but I’ve torn the medial ligament down the side. Not completely, so they don’t want to operate, but I’m not going to be skiing again for quite a while.”

  “Ouch.” Erin winced.

  “Mummy, it was my fault.” Maddie crawled along the bed and wrapped her arms around Erin’s neck. Morgan and Erin spoke at the same time.

  “No, it wasn’t.” Morgan reached for Maddie’s hand.

  “Why?”

  “I made her go on the baby slope and she wasn’t ready.” Maddie’s lip trembled.

  “I would have said no if I didn’t want to, Maddie.” Morgan clasped her fingers across her stomach.

  Yeah, not bloody likely. “See, sweetie, it wasn’t your fault.” She patted her back. “How long are you going to be in the brace?”

  Morgan shrugged.

  “The doctor said six weeks.” Tristan looked up from the game he was playing on his phone. “Then physio.”

  “Six weeks? I thought you said it wasn’t too bad?” Erin frowned.

  “It isn’t. The doctors are just being cautious.” Morgan glowered at Tristan, who shrugged and went back to his game.

  “Mummy, can she come and stay at home while she’s sick, please?”

  Morgan and Erin again spoke at the same time.

  “I’m not sick!” Morgan pushed herself up in the bed.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Erin’s heart raced. I can’t do it. I can’t.

  “But I still think it was my fault and I should look after her. Please, Mummy.” Maddie twirled her fingers through Erin’s long hair where it lay against her neck. She lightly grasped her hand.

  “Don’t knot up my hair, sweetie. I d
on’t think it would be a very good idea.” Erin knew that having Morgan back in the house would be too difficult for her. It had been almost a week since their disastrous kiss, and she hadn’t had a full night’s sleep since.

  “Why not?” Maddie picked at the tangle she’d made in Erin’s hair, her tongue poking out as she concentrated.

  “Well, our stairs are very steep, and your mum wouldn’t be able to get up them very easily with the brace.”

  “The stairs are steeper at Auntie Amy’s house, so she can’t go there either then.”

  “I’m sure Auntie Amy won’t mind if your mum sleeps on the sofa till she can get—”

  “We have a sofa bed, Mum. She could sleep on that?”

  Such clever kids “Yes, but recovery is usually faster when people can stay quiet and get lots of rest.” There, let’s see what you think of that one. When did this become a competition with my own child?

  “But I can look after her so she can get lots of rest. And we’ll be quiet. Won’t we, Tristan?”

  Tristan grunted without looking up.

  “See? Please, Mummy. Please.”

  She was out of reasons that didn’t sound like excuses, and she was quickly losing her determination in the face of Maddie’s heartfelt insistence. “Maybe your mum doesn’t want to stay on a sofa bed.” She looked at Morgan.

  Morgan’s eyes were downcast, her voice placid as she spoke. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, but there is nothing I’d like more than to be with the kids as much as possible. I don’t care if that means sleeping on a sofa bed.” She finally met Erin’s eyes. Resolve resonated from within her, and it left Erin breathless. “I think it’s family that helps aid recovery more than anything else. It’s your house, Erin; I’ll do whatever you want.”

  Erin knew there was a far deeper meaning to Morgan’s words. The look of determination on her face made it clear. It was also obvious that Erin was backed into a corner. She didn’t want to say no to Maddie, knowing that the child was feeling guilty and trying to make amends for the wrong she thought she had done. She knew also that all three of them wanted more time together and the children’s return to a normal school routine would severely restrict them. This seemed like a logical way to help them all—to help her children.

  I can do this. I am a strong woman, I can resist. I will not—I cannot—let her hurt me again.

  “Fine.”

  Maddie hugged her tight as she bounced on her knees on the bed. Tristan grinned before returning his attention to his game. Morgan’s eyes didn’t leave hers.

  Oh God, please let me be able to do this.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Erin pulled on the sofa to lift the bed platform out. She could hear Maddie fussing in the kitchen and Tristan was in his room. Probably chatting online to Isabelle. Morgan hobbled into the room. The metallic click-clack of her crutches preceding her, as they gave and strained with each movement. She carried on making up the sofa bed.

  “I’m sorry for putting you on the spot earlier.”

  Erin laughed. “No, you’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t have backed me into a corner like that.” She straightened the bedding over the thin mattress and threw pillows into place.

  “Okay, I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

  “Same response.” She tucked in the corners of the sheet. “Look, you got what you wanted. You’re here, spending time with the kids. Fine. That’s good for them, and that’s what matters.”

  “It’s not just them.”

  Erin shook out the duvet and pulled it into place. I don’t want to hear this. I know where you’re going, and I do not want to hear it.

  “Please, Erin, can we talk about last week? About what happened?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  “Yes, there is. We kissed.” Morgan shuffled a step closer. “I told you I love you, and then we kissed. You didn’t stop me until Maddie interrupted—”

  “It was a mistake.” She stuffed a pillow into its case, glad to have something to do with her hands. Morgan was too close, to her—to the truth, to making her feel something other than anger, hurt, and disappointment.

  “No, it wasn’t. I felt it.” She gripped her crutches so hard her knuckles turned white. “I felt you, and I know you wanted me.”

  “I wanted a fuck, Morgan.” She threw the last pillow onto the bed with as much force as she threw the words at her. She needed control of the situation, of herself, and her emotions. “That’s it. Sex. That’s all you felt.” She rounded the bottom of the bed. Adrenaline zipped through her veins, as an image filled her mind. “Just like you were doing in those pictures, right? In the car park.”

  She watched Morgan’s face pale as her words wounded, and she didn’t know if she felt elated or defeated. Morgan opened her mouth to speak, but Erin cut her off.

  “Don’t even start all that, I was a different Morgan, it wasn’t me, I’m not her, crap again. Don’t you see? Every time I look at you I see the woman who abandoned me. Then screwed someone else three weeks later!” She stalked to the door and pulled it open.

  “Erin, I understand. But—”

  “Enough. You left. You had a reason. Fine. I don’t agree with it, but fine. You still left, when we could have worked it out.” She pushed her fingers through her hair. “You still walked away. You never gave me a chance. You never gave us a chance. After fifteen years, you couldn’t—you wouldn’t even—”

  Morgan rubbed her hands over her face, then pushed her fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry.” She reached for her crutches. “I thought—” She shook her head. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll go back to Amy and Nikki’s.”

  “What?” She couldn’t keep up. The second she thought she understood where Morgan was coming from, she flipped it around, and did the opposite to what Erin expected.

  “I know you only said it was okay for me to be here for the kids. I shouldn’t have backed you into a corner like that. I thought if we could spend some time together you’d see that I’m different now. That I really have changed. But you’re right. For all we know I was seeing someone else and I’m just a stupid fucking bitch. I just wanted—no, I want—another chance. For our family. For us. I thought that maybe we could get to know each other again—for the first time. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve already lost you.”

  “I’m not yours to lose.” Her voice was equally quiet, barely above a breath and tinged with sadness.

  “That’s not what my heart says.” Morgan placed her hand over her chest. “I’ll always be yours.”

  Tears clung to her thick, dark lashes, like dew drops on a spider’s web. Her eyes, black as night, and as endless as eternity, offered Erin everything. Morgan’s heart, her future, her soul were hers for the taking. The only thing she couldn’t offer her was the past, already so tainted Erin couldn’t let go of it.

  “Do you still love me?”

  Erin trailed her finger down Morgan’s cheek, from the corner of her eyebrow down to her jaw. It would be so easy to say yes. To forget all the complications, and the duality of the Morgan she knew. But she couldn’t. Her head just wouldn’t let go, and her heart couldn’t trust. “I don’t know you, Morgan.” She closed her eyes and kept the tears from falling by sheer force of will. “I loved the Morgan I knew. I still love the Morgan I knew.” She touched her finger to Morgan’s lips. Stopping the words she knew Morgan wanted to say. “But you’re the one who keeps telling me you aren’t her.”

  “Me and my big mouth.”

  Erin smiled, knowing that it reflected the sadness she felt. Her Morgan was gone and might never return. Did she want a replacement? A look-alike to replace her? She didn’t know. There was just too much going round her head.

  Morgan stood and tucked her crutches under her arm. Her slow steps toward the door played counterpoint to Erin’s heartbeat.

  She’s leaving, just like I wanted. She’s doing exactly what I wanted. Except I don’t want her to.

  Erin didn’t w
ant someone else to take care of her. She didn’t want anyone else to…

  “Do you know who she is?” She crossed the room quickly, putting her hand on Morgan’s shoulder before she yanked it back.

  “What?” Morgan turned to look at her.

  “The woman. Do you know who she is?”

  “No. The police were looking for her because they think she knew the man who attacked me. If they’ve found her, they haven’t told me.”

  “Why hasn’t she come forward? If you were seeing her, then surely she would have come forward, or tried to find out if you were okay. Did Amy or Nikki know anything about her?”

  “No. They were as shocked as I was when the police showed us the pictures. I don’t know anything more than what I’ve told you.”

  “Did they know about the letter?”

  “No.”

  “I know I’m going round in circles, but I just can’t get past it. I can’t.”

  “I get it, Erin.” She leaned forward and softly kissed her cheek. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

  Erin closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of her so close. “Stay. I can’t get past what happened between us, but we can be friends. For the kids.”

  “Friends?”

  Erin blinked. “Yes, friends.” She hoped that Morgan couldn’t see her pulse jumping in her neck, or her shallow breath as she tried to fill her lungs. “Nothing more.”

  “Is that what you want, Erin?”

  She nodded, even as her body ached to reach out for Morgan. She tried to convince herself that it was habit that turned her insides liquid. Just familiarity that made her yearn for Morgan’s touch. She knew she couldn’t fool herself with her flimsy excuses, but she hoped she was able to convince Morgan.

  “Friends it is then. I’ll take whatever I can get.”

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Morgan pushed a pillow under her knee and tried to get comfortable on the thin mattress. Every time she moved, a different spring creaked, its complaint loud and clear. She pulled the cover up to her chin and longed to turn on her side and curl into a ball, and tried not to think about Erin. She knew it would only make sleep harder to find if she pictured her curled in her bed—the bed they had once shared.