When You Least Expect It

by Sandra Leiper

  Amanda was surprised. “Ray, when did you start thinking about divorce?” I thought you wanted to stick it out until your youngest was eighteen?”

  “Mandy, it’s just too long. Things just seem to be getting worse. I don’t think I can do it and stay sane.” Then Ray asked, “Can we talk?”

  “Yes, of course, Ray, go ahead,” she replied. She wasn’t ready for what came next.

  “No, I mean really talk. I want to call you. Can we talk on the telephone?”

  Her eyes widened and she began to perspire. He wants her to give him her phone number. She didn’t know what to do! She hesitated too long.

  “It’s ok if you don’t want to, Mandy. I just wanted to hear your voice. I understand if you’re not comfortable with it.”

  Her mind was racing. Is this a bad thing? Could he find out where she lives this way? Does she want this? She decided she did. “Its okay, Ray, I would love to talk to you.” She gave him her phone number. “Give me a few minutes, I’m not home, but I’m on my way.

  “Thank you Mandy! Next time your phone rings, it will be me!” They logged off. She ran to gather up the kids and leave.

  “What gives?” Hilary eyed her suspiciously. “Why the mad rush all of a sudden.”

  Amanda wondered why she thought she could get out of here without the inquisition. “I’m tired; I want to go home, no big deal. Let’s go kids!” She was relieved to get in her car without any more questions. She dropped off Elisa at a friend’s house, and then headed home at record speed.

  “Mom, where’s the fire? Slow down!”

  She checked her speed and blushed furiously. What was her problem? “No fire, just not paying attention.” She felt as if it took forever to get home, but finally they were there and Alex asked to take the car to visit his friend. Without hesitation, she handed him the keys and said to be home in one hour.

  Alex raised his eyebrow at her, but decided not to question her. It wasn’t like her not to go over her usual checklist before handing him the keys. “Are you okay, Mom?”

  “I’m fine. Be careful.” She fought the urge to run inside. She was so nervous! She couldn’t believe she was doing this. She ran inside and checked the caller ID…she hadn’t missed him. She ran into the bathroom to comb her hair. Oh my God, she laughed to herself, what am I doing? He can’t see me. She did it anyway. She even went so far as to pick up the living room. The phone rang. Her heart practically stopped as she went to pick it up. “Hello?”

  “Hi,” said Ray. “How are you, Mandy?”

  He had such a nice voice! She could tell he was whispering, but he sounded so…gentle.

  “Hi, Ray. I can’t believe we’re doing this, but it’s great to be able to put a voice to your typing. You have a nice voice. It's not as I imagined it, although I’m not sure what, if anything, I imagined. You don’t sound like a cyber pervert.” Amanda was rambling. She tended to do this when she was nervous.

  Ray laughed. “You have a cute voice.” Ray said, “I have wanted to do this for so long. You sound great! Thanks for trusting me enough to give me your phone number.”

  Amanda was having second thoughts. Why do I keep doing things like this? This was so unlike her. “Ray, isn’t your family home? Should we really be talking like this in the middle of the night? It seems so seedy!”

  “No, it isn’t seedy. Some might interpret it as such, but it seems very natural for me, for us. I just had to hear your voice. You cannot believe how scary this is for me. You’ve become somewhat of an obsession.” He stopped suddenly, thinking she might interpret this in the wrong way. “Wait, not an obsession, I just have these feelings for you that I can’t explain…or control.”

  Amanda was stunned. Yes, she knew what he meant, but she didn’t dare even think about them. “Ray, you’re a married man, period. We can be friends but that’s it. Please don’t ask me for anything more than that.” She felt like a fool saying that after giving him her phone number. Talk about double standards!

  “You’re right, I guess. Bad timing, it’s the story of my life.” All of a sudden, they heard a clicking on the phone. Amanda froze. “What was that?” Ray asked.

  She was afraid to speak. She was afraid someone had picked up the other line. “Maybe you better go, Ray,” she whispered, almost silently.

  Ray sounded so scared when he said, “I think you’re right. I’ll talk to you later, Mandy.”

  “Bye Ray,” was all she could think of saying. Ray hung up and Amanda just listened to the dial tone, wondering once again what she was doing.

  ~~~

  Ray sat in his den for a long time pondering his insanity. He wondered if someone picked up the other line, or it was his own guilt messing with his mind. Not to worry, he was sure he’d find out soon enough. He turned his insane thoughts to Amanda. He wondered if this would scare her off. As if it hadn’t been bad enough, now that he had heard her voice, he felt even more confused. This couldn’t be right. The feelings he had seemed so real, but like nothing he had ever felt before. He must be lonelier than he thought! Intelligent, sensible people do not have feelings about people on the Internet. In fact, why he even indulged in this was beyond him. Still, he knew his feelings were real. Yet, Amanda lived in Texas, a million miles away. What were the chances of them ever really meeting? Slim to none would be his guess. He decided to go to bed, or rather to the couch, to get some sleep. Things might be rough in the morning if anyone had overheard his phone conversation.

  ~~~

  Ray usually got up before Carrie and the girls. He was actually nervous, almost nauseous, as he showered and shaved. What would he say if his conversation had been overheard? He couldn’t think of an answer. As he was finishing breakfast, they started sauntering in. Here it comes, he thought, the moment of truth. “Good morning, ladies!” Ray tried to sound cheerful and calm.

  “Hi Daddy,” was the response, nothing from Carrie.

  “Ready for a hard day at the salt mines?” he asked the girls.

  “Oh Daddy, we aren’t going to the salt mines, we’re going to school!” This came from Nikki. She was so sweet and innocent. He couldn’t imagine ever hurting her.

  “Then off to school it is! Who wants a ride?” The girls all ran to get their backpacks. He looked at Carrie. It was hard to see the woman he had fallen in love with. “I’ll just drop them off on my way to work, if that’s okay?”

  Carrie glared at him. “I don’t care what you do, Ray.”

  Ray left, feeling both exhilarated and guilty at the fact that he had gotten away with last nights’ indiscretion.

  ~~~

  Carrie was alone again, all set for another day of, nothing. She was so bored with her life. She sat in front of the television watching talk shows all day in her pajamas, sometimes until the kids came home. It was what filled her life. She knew the girls were at the point where they really didn’t need her any more. Not in the same way as when they were little. She really missed that. When they were young, she and Ray would talk about when the girls were grown and they finally had time for each other. Time to do the things they didn’t get to do ‘before children’. Carrie now dreaded that time. Not so much because she didn’t want to have her kids grow up, but more because she didn’t have anything to say to her husband. It had been a long time since she had.

  It wasn’t like when they were first married. She was happy. They had their whole lives ahead of them. They talked about their dreams and goals at length. They wanted a home, children, and the American dream. She was thrilled when they found out she was pregnant, even though it was unplanned. She worked for a while, but then she decided that she’d stay home with the baby. Ray was all for it. It was a good life.

  Carrie blamed Ray for how miserable her life had become. She never finished college. She did nothing but stay at home with the girls. She didn’t work. She had few friends. She didn’t know what she would do when her role as mommy was over. She did know she didn’t want it to turn into sole companion of her husband. She didn’
t love Ray anymore. She stayed for the children. She stayed for her parents. She stayed for the church. She didn’t stay because she wanted to. What would she do if she weren’t here? Who would she be? Carrie had no idea, and wasn’t sure she ever wanted to find out.

  ~~~

  “Ray, are we taking the girls to the shore this month?” Carrie asked. She was going to try to get through one dinner without a mishap. As usual, the girls were going on about school and their activities. She was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner. She had made Ray’s favorite dinner; lemon chicken with angel hair pasta. She was in a good mood and hoped Ray would be, too.

  Surprised by this sudden interest, Ray hesitated before answering. “I made the reservations for the cottage, but haven’t confirmed it because you haven’t wanted to commit. But I think we can still do it if you want.”

  The girls all started talking at once. “Yes, let’s go!” said Norma. “It’s too hot! The beach would be great.”

  Nikki added her two cents by saying, “New swimsuit time!”

  Ray laughed. “So, Carrie, should I confirm?”

  “Yes, Ray, I think it would do us all good to get away. A whole week at the beach sounds fun.” She went and put her arm around him. “Maybe Diego could even join us.”

  Ray looked at her with a shocked looked, but said, “I’m sure he’d like that, Carrie. I’ll be sure to ask him.” He wondered where this sudden change of heart had come from. First off, Carrie and Diego equaled trouble most times. For her to be the one to suggest him coming was suspicious.

  He shook his head, confused by this turnaround. The reason he hadn’t made the reservation was that a whole week away with Carrie would be torture. She hadn’t shown much interest when he first brought it up. Forcing her to do it would be like committing suicide. But he knew the girls would enjoy it, and they deserved a vacation. He’d make the reservation and call Diego. It wouldn’t be so bad if Diego were there. He’d have to tell Amanda. He wondered what she’d think. Ray laughed out loud. He was losing it! He wondered what Amanda would think about him going on a family vacation with his wife and kids? He smacked himself on the head and told himself to get a grip. Maybe this week away would help him get things in perspective.

  ~~~

  Amanda was packing for her trip. She was looking forward to hanging out at the beach, the amusement park, and with her cousins. She was excited to be getting away. She hadn’t spoken with Ray since the late night phone call. She did get an email from him. It had been somewhat disturbing.

  Hi Mandy, it looks like no one heard our conversation. It had said. The next morning was breakfast as usual. That was close! What was even scarier was how I felt about you! As if it weren’t crazy enough, your voice just intensified how I feel for you. You were just as sweet and adorable as I imagined you to be. Is this ok? Is it wrong? I don’t know, Mandy. All I know is that I can’t stop. I hope this hasn’t scared you off. Of course, I’d understand if it did. I hope to talk to you soon. We’ll be going away on vacation in a few weeks. Let’s talk, okay?

  Love, Ray

  Amanda read and reread that letter. She didn’t know how to respond, so she didn’t. She planned her trip with the kids. They were so excited! You’d think they’d never been on a roller coaster before. She had to admit, she was just as excited. She needed time away to think. To have fun, be with her kids, and relax. She loved going to California and hanging out with her cousins.

  They were leaving the next morning; she hoped to catch Ray online tonight so they could talk one more time before she left. She needed to clear up some things, and to find out exactly where he was coming from. Things seemed to be getting complicated way too fast. She wanted to try to get it out in the open, discuss it, and nip it in the bud. She hoped it wasn’t too late.

  CHAPTER 5

  Amanda was startled the next morning by the loud ringing of her phone. She felt around for the phone, finally found it and heart pounding yelled into the phone as she held it upside down. “Hello!” It was Ray.

  “Hi, Mandy. Were you still sleeping? I’m sorry to bother you.”

  She tried to wake up. “Ray, what’s wrong? It’s so early!”

  Ray laughed and said, “Not here. I’m already at work. I bought a phone card this morning so I could call you. We haven’t spoken in a while and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

  She sighed, a bit irritated at the early intrusion. “Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve just been really busy trying to get organized for my trip. I’m taking the kids to California for a week. We leave Saturday.”

  “Wow,” replied Ray, “that’s great. We’re going on vacation a week from Saturday. So two weeks with no contact. That’s a long time.” He knew that was a ridiculous statement to make to someone he didn’t know.

  She took a deep breath; she wanted to get some things out into the open and right now was as good a time as any. “Since I have you on the phone, I want to talk to you about some things I have on my mind, hopefully without interruption”.

  “Go ahead, Mandy. You can be frank with me.” He rubbed his forehead, afraid of what she might say next.

  Amanda continued, “It seems that this is getting out of control. Can you explain to me what’s going on? I’m afraid of it, and I’m at my wit’s end trying to figure it out.”

  “You mean us?” He asked innocently.

  “Yes, us, although there really isn’t an ‘us’ Ray. What’s an ‘us’? Are we Internet friends? Someone you get your kicks with? Or something that makes your marriage a little easier to bear? I don’t want to be used like that. Frankly, it’s driving me a little nuts.” She breathed out. She was lying in bed shivering at the intensity of the feelings she had just shown, but was proud of herself for finally saying it.

  Ray was taken aback. Of course, he understood why she felt this way. It wasn’t like she knew how he felt about her. After all, she may not have any feelings for him at all. She may just think of him as another Internet nut. He hoped not, but needed to find out.

  “Mandy, I know I’m married. I know I’m a million miles away, and the probability of us meeting is slim, but my feelings for you are real. I can’t explain them. I just know they exist. I have to ask you this, Mandy. You don’t have to answer, but I’d really like to know. I have to know. How do you feel about me?” The silence on the other end of the phone was deafening. What had he done? He’d rather have her friendship than nothing at all. He hoped he hadn’t messed that up. Finally she answered.

  “Ray, what feelings do you have? You don’t even know me.” She was feeling exasperated. All this seriousness, and before coffee!

  “Yes I do!” He insisted. “We talk on the Internet about everything. We know so much about each other. In such a short time I have come to learn about how sweet you are, what a big heart you have. How you are with your children. How hurt you’ve been in your past. You’ve shared your life with me. I know what you want in a relationship. It’s everything I want. We laugh, we cry, Mandy, do you know what I’m saying?”

  She was crying on the other end, but didn’t want him to know this. She wasn’t sure at this point what she wanted him to know. She was afraid of getting hurt again. Wasn’t it bad enough she had been hurt by live men, should she move on to the Internet and give faceless men a chance? She wasn’t sure enough of herself to know what she wanted. She didn’t know how to respond.

  Her silence did not deter Ray. He continued. “I know now that I want out of my marriage. I just have to get through this vacation, for the kids. Then I’m going to start planning my departure. I could use a friend for that, Mandy. Then after I leave, who knows? What do you think?”

  She bit her lip. She knew she had feelings for him. But what were they? That was the question that had her, feeling like an idiot. That was the feeling that made her say, “Ray, of course I will be there for you. Of course I have feelings for you. I just don’t allow myself to feel them because you’re married. I’m really confused right
now. Can we talk about this later?” This conversation was too much for her. She definitely was not a morning person by any means, and to have such a serious tone first thing was not in her make-up. They made a date for Friday night on the web.

  “We’ll talk then. Then it will be two whole weeks till we speak again.” Ray was not thrilled about this but hopefully it would go fast.

  “I’ll talk to you Friday,” she said. “Right now I’m already late for work.”

  “I’m so sorry. Have a good day at work. Thanks for talking with me, and as usual, for being so honest.”

  She jumped out of bed and ran to make her coffee. She hoped the rest of her day went better than it was starting. As she got ready for work, she wondered about this crazy thing with Ray. What was he thinking? How does he feel about her? Can you have feelings without ever meeting someone? It seems to happen a lot on the net. In just the little time she had been on it, people meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after. Could this be happening to her? That would just be her luck. She would fall in love with someone twenty-five hundred miles away, instead of someone right here in town. People in Texas have computers, after all. What was wrong with her! She’d really have to think about this while she was away, whether or not she wanted to be involved in such a strange relationship. She stepped out of the shower and went into her usual mode. She was late, which in turn made them all late.

  She got to work and went straight to her desk. She was a medical assistant at a pediatric clinic. She’d been doing this for quite some time, and really loved it. She didn’t really have an assigned position; they just put her where she was needed. After being late today, she didn’t have much to do, so she decided to go in and talk to her boss, Mariah. She and Mariah were really close and she wanted to confide in her. “I am finally here,” she announced happily.

  Mariah was glad to see her. “What happened, girl? I thought you would never get here.”