One hundred percent...Critter.
"You said you two are married? You and Critter I mean?”
"I sure am," she answered, humming and knitting once again. "The marriage to Richard was only a church ceremony. No paperwork so it wasn’t legal in the eyes of the state. Luckily for me, the church abided by god's law, but not man's. Then, I was free to marry Critter.”
She’s legally married to Critter.
My mother looked as if she was about to say something but she stopped before the words came out. She turned her head from one side to the other like she was seeing me for the first time. There was a clarity in her eyes that wasn't there earlier, along with something else.
Recognition.
My stomach flipped. My heart hammered in my ears.
"Sawyer?" she asked in a whisper, blinking rapidly. “Is that you?”
"Yes, mother. It's me," I said as gently as I could, keeping my expression as even as possible. I hadn't even realized I was crawling across the carpet toward her until I was kneeling before her, staring up into familiar loving eyes.
"My baby girl. It really is you," she said, dropping from the chair to her knees in front of me. She pulled me in for a hug and I couldn't stop the tears once they started and neither could my mother. We sat there, hugging and crying into each other's arms. "You're alive. He told me you were but I didn’t believe him. I needed to see you. You made it out. I'm sorry," she said into my hair, peppering kisses along my frizzy head. "I'm sorry for everything."
"I made it out mom. Because of you. Because of your letter and the box and your instructions. You sent me here. You got me out," I told her. As I spoke I felt some of the resentment I had been feeling toward her start to dissipate.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you,” she cried. “I couldn't. I needed to keep you safe. Forgive me sweet girl. I did what I thought was best but I made a mess of everything. I have so much to tell you," I said, sobbing against her. “There is more you need to know.”
"You don’t have to tell me all of it now," I replied against her shoulder as she squeezed me repeatedly as if she needed a constant reminder that I was really there as much as I needed one.
After a few moments, mother's arms stiffened and before she pulled back I knew our time together had passed. When she looked me over again the glassiness in her eyes was back. "I better get off the floor. Critter doesn't want me to strain myself in my condition. Says it's not good for the baby." She stood up and sat back down on her chair, picking up her knitting once again. The half-dried tear stains on her cheeks were the only evidence of our stolen reunion.
I stood up to leave when Maddy came into the room and gave me a stern nod. "I should go. Thanks for having me, and thanks for telling me the story of how you met your husband.”
She smiled at me sweetly. "That’s no bother at all. I love telling that story. Half the people in this town are tired of it already. Thanks for coming to visit. Make sure to come by again," she said. "Maybe Sunday? On Sundays, I make my famous peach pie. It's Critter's favorite."
I wiped my wet face with the heel of my hand. "I'd like that very much, if you're sure it's alright with you."
"Of course. I'd love that. See you Sunday," she said cheerily. "And don't worry about that adorable little boy of yours. Finn is welcome to come take sunflowers whenever he would like. We’ve got plenty."
Finn.
I gave her a small farewell wave then waited until I was down the hall almost to the front door before I whispered. "Bye, Mom." I didn't know how I'd feel seeing her that way, but as I watched her slip back into a place where I never existed I never expected for it to feel as if she had died all over again.
I ran into Finn's arms the second I was back on the porch. I buried my face into the soft cotton of his t-shirt and didn't pull away until I heard Critter's voice.
"Sawyer?"
I turned around to face Critter who stood from his rocking chair with a knowing look etched in the lines of his face.
The face of my father.
We stood there, staring at one another for what felt like an eternity.
"Critter?" I asked, as if I were seeing him for the first time.
He rocked forward slightly on the balls of his feet, he folded his hands behind his back. For such a tall strong man my heart lurched at how vulnerable he appeared. "We heard you in there with her," Finn said from behind me.
Critter nodded. "You did good, kid. But if you don't mind, I'd...why is this so fucking hard," he grumbled. He took a deep breath. "I'd like for you to call me, Dad." his voice cracked on the last word.
My heart burst open, unleashing a powerful flood of emotions along with uncontrollable tears. I fell to my knees. Before I knew it, Critter had closed the distance between us and lifted me up off my knees, pulling me into his strong arms against his chest. He smelled like cigar smoke and cologne. That's what my dad smelled like and I'd remember it forever.
I was sobbing so hard it prevented me from speaking, but Critter watched me as I looked up and mouthed the words, "Hi, Dad."
He lifted me up, swaying me back and forth as my feet dangled off the porch. "Hey, kid." My tears soaked through his shirt as we squeezed each other tightly and he peppered kisses on the top of my head. "Welcome home, kiddo." He said on a choked sob. "Finally. Welcome fucking home."
We stayed that way for a long time, stuck together, reunited. Father and daughter.
And we cried.
We cried because we both finally knew the truth. We cried for the time lost between us. And although neither one of us said it out loud, I knew that somewhere in the time between those first tears falling and the sun sinking deep into the horizon, we were both crying for her.
Sawyer
The sun had just settled down for the night. The star littered black sky had officially taken its turn guarding the earth.
Finn, Critter and I were still sitting on Critter’s front porch. Critter and Finn were sipping beers. I settled for an iced tea after deciding that beer was an acquired taste, and I hadn't yet had the time to acquire it.
"Do you...do you need me to help take care of her?" I asked Critter. “My mother. It isn’t fair for you have to do it all alone.”
He shook his head and took a sip of his beer. "Listen, kiddo, you've spent your entire life looking after your mother. You've done a good job. You did more than most would in your situation. Hell, you stayed when most would've cut bait and got out." He leaned forward on his elbows. "How about you step aside and let me do it for once? Besides, I've missed out on taking care of that woman for two decades. I've got a lot to make up for."
"I haven't asked you how you're holding up during all of this. So, how are you holding up?"
"I'm hanging in there. She's back but she's not completely back. It's going to take a little while to set her to rights again but I won't stop until my sunflower is back to one hundred percent."
"Are you the one who gave her this pendent?" I asked, holding up the sunflower hanging from the chain on my neck.
"Yeah," he said, looking wistfully over to the sunflower field where the sun had just started to set below the tops of the tall flower, backlighting them and giving them a beautiful haunting glow. "I proposed to your mama in that field. We fell in love in that field. We...well, some things are better left unsaid."
I laughed and sipped my tea.
"There are things about my past you should know," Critter said. Things I don't talk about openly. But you're my daughter and you should know these kinds of things about your old man. About who I am and what I've done in my past."
"Like what?" I asked hesitantly, chewing nervously on the inside of my cheek.
"I haven't always been the best model citizen of this town. I've done things. A lot of things. Some of them bad, really bad. Spent a few years in state prison back in my twenties."
"So, you fell into the bad crowd in your youth?" I suggested.
Critter shook his head and looked at me from over his beer bottle. "No,
I was the person people fell into. I was the bad crowd or at least, I ran the bad crowd."
"Does my mother know?" I asked.
"Your mother knows everything about me." Critter chuckled. "Every ugly and dirty detail. And she loves me despite of it and sometimes because of it."
"If it didn't matter to her then it didn't matter to me."
"I don't understand why she's like this now when she wasn't this way before," Finn chimed in.
Critter shook his head. "The shrink here thinks she's been holding so much above her head and over the years the weight of it grew heavier and heavier. When we got her back here and she knew you were okay it was like her knees buckled and it finally all came crashing down around her."
"Do you think she'll ever be back to...normal? Whatever that might be?"
"Normal," Critter chuckled at the word. "And as for your mother, she's a force stronger than any damn hurricane I've ever encountered. She just needs a little rest. A little time. There is only so much one body and mind can process. She'll come back to us eventually. I'm certain of it."
"Can I ask you something?"
Critter nodded.
"She was gone for two decades. Why didn't you ever remarry or have kids?"
Critter sighed and looked to his hands for a moment before answering. "Because the kind of love your mother and I have is not the kind you can recover from. It's not a cold. It's not temporary. It's the kind that becomes a part of yourself. Like the blood in your veins. Getting over your mother just wasn't possible.
"You really do love her," I lamented.
"Yes, with everything I have and more. And you," Critter added, with watery eyes. "I can't make up for years of not being your dad, but I'd sure like to try, kiddo."
Kiddo. I loved every endearment Critter swung my way. They made me feel special.
Safe.
LOVED.
Richard had never called me anything other than Sawyer. Or girl. Like it was a bad word.
"I think I'd like that."
"You need to know that I never believed she left me willingly. Not once. You just don't up and walk away from what we had. Not possible. I looked for you two every damned day after she left me that note. Every fucking day. And, when I couldn't find you I thought you were dead."
"Why?"
"Because I never thought he'd let your mother or you live when he found out she was pregnant with you,” Critter said, tightening his grip around his beer bottle.
"He probably would have,” I agreed. “But as it turns out, I was the perfect leverage to hold over her head."
"I didn't know you were alive until a few months ago when this arrived," Critter reached into his back pocket and handed me an envelope with no return address. "I'll let her tell you what happened."
I took the letter from the envelope and although I knew she was inside the house I heard her voice in my head reading the letter to me as if she were still a ghost.
C-
I'm risking everything by sending this, but I have to because I don't have much time left. It's too late for me, but it's not too late to save our daughter.
Help her before it's too late for her as well.
I love you. Always have. Always will.
Forever your sunflower,
-Caroline
Tears were streaming down my face. I looked from the letter back to Critter. "I still don't understand why she didn't stay. She could have fought him off or escaped and come back to you. Instead she stayed with him. For...over twenty years. Why?"
Critter held up his hand. "Richard threatened her with the death of her child. You. With killing me. He told her if she tried to escape he wouldn't stop until she watched us both die in front of her. I know what you might be thinking but your mother wasn't no coward. She did what she had to do and she stayed because she thought that was the best way to keep us both alive. She's not a coward. Not even close. That woman waded through the waters of hell with the devil himself to keep us safe." Critter shifted in his chair. He glanced up at the house.
"She's the bravest woman in entire damned world."
Finn placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. I loved how he always seemed to know when I needed to be reassured and at that moment I needed it more than ever. I'd been wrong. My gut and my head and my heart had all thought the worst.
I'd been wrong.
So very very wrong.
"I never...wow," I said, instantly feeling hurt and shame at ever suggesting my mother was selfish.
"There are only two things I regret in this life. Not finding you two, getting to you sooner is one of those things."
"What's the other?" Finn asked, twirling his beer around in his hand.
Critter didn't hesitate when he glanced up at us with cold hatred in his eyes.
"Not killing that son of a bitch, Richard, twenty-two fuckin’ years ago."
Chapter 6
Finn
When my phone rang I left Sawyer and Critter on the porch to talk to answer it. "Hi, Mom."
"Honey, how are you? It's been days and you haven't called."
"I talked to you yesterday, Mom," I reminded her.
"Are you sure? It seems like longer."
"I'm sure," I said, smiling into the phone.
"You sound a lot different. Does this have anything to do with the girl I've heard all about from everyone in that town except my own son."
I looked to where Sawyer was talking with Critter and my heart warmed. "Yeah, something like that."
"Finn Hollis, you bring that girl up here for a visit the very second you get a chance. We'd come there but your father's asthma has been acting up. It’s a little too humid this time of year."
"Stop making me sound like an old man," my father grumbled in the background.
"Then stop doing old man things like sucking on your teeth after breakfast," my mother scolded.
"You two haven't changed," I said.
My mother's tone turned serious. "Finn, we haven't seen you in a long time. Well, not since…” She paused like she was waiting for something. A reaction of some sort.
"You can say her name, mom. It's fine. Jackie. Her name was Jackie." I was downright proud of how far I’d come. Saying her name used to bring nothing but pain. Now it was a name associated with a girl I’d once loved and lost.
And that was okay.
She let out a sigh of relief. "Thank Christ himself. It wasn’t long ago you treated her name like a swear word. A bad one. Like the one you called your English teacher in the third grade. What nine-year-old calls their teacher a cu— “
My father interrupted. "Son, are you coming up here or do we have to bribe you? We've only been asking for two years now," my dad yelled to the phone.
Phone calls with my parents used to be stressful. I’d spend every moment trying to convince them I was okay when I wasn’t. Lately I hadn’t even had the urge to hang up and throw my phone in the swamp.
I crossed my arms. "That depends. What have you got to bribe me with?"
"Cobbler and your favorite fried chicken sandwiches?" My mother asked. My stomach growled at the thought of my mother's famous chicken. "And I'll have Ethan come get you then you won't have to drive."
"And you'll bring that girl of yours so we can meet her?" She asked hopefully.
I looked to Sawyer and our eyes met. She smiled.
"Definitely."
Chapter 7
Sawyer
Ever since Critter and I had spoken a few days ago I felt better. Lighter. But the lingering dread over an uncertain future was starting to weigh on me. I felt drained. My eyes were tired as was my mind. The thought that lingered with me the most, the one that whispered through my ears like an unseen mist was that Richard was still out there. There was a possibility he'd come for me. After all, I'd stolen from him and he hated me because he blamed me for my mother's death. Any other man in the world would have no reason to come find me, but Richard Dixon wasn't any other man. I knew sooner or later he'd come
. I'd always known that. But one thing had changed.
Mom.
If Richard came for me and found her instead...I hated to think of what would happen. Maybe if we left Outskirts, just for a little while, just until the tent service packed up and left, then we could keep him from discovering she was alive.
I was about to voice the idea to Finn when he sat down beside me on the dock and distracted me with his bare chest and rippling muscles. When he smiled at me my stomach and something a bit lower did a little flip of happiness.
"What's that look on your face? Not a good book?" He asked, pointing to the book open on my lap.
MODERN RELIGIONS FOR A MODERN WORLD
Book?
"Oh. Yeah. It's not that it's not good. It's that I don't think it's really what I was looking for," I said, staring down at the title of the chapter and reading it again in case I'd read it wrong the first time around.
Nope. I'd read it right.
"What?" Finn asked, leaning over to glance at what I'd been reading. I breathed in his fresh scent and leaned back into him ever so slightly to better feel the warmth of his chest through my thin tank top.
I scanned the article quickly and gave him the stand out points. "There is a religion called Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The basis for it is that the followers of this religion believe a being they call the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the world and everything in it. It's literally flying pasta and meatballs," I said, pointing to the picture below the caption. I closed the book and set it to the side, shaking my head in disbelief.
"How is that any stranger than believing that a man walked on water or rose from the dead?" Finn asked, leaning back on his hands. "Or that cows are sacred animals? Or that there are people who keep a piece of toast for decades because they swear they can see Jesus Christ’s the image of Jesus Christ burned into it by the toaster.”
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