The Pike_Evermore

by Erik Schubach

  They chuckled, and Greg said, “Only if you were a...” His eyes went wide as I challenged him with my own eyes. “No way, you're...”

  I sighed and supplied, “Hai. A lesbian. You can say it, it isn't that hard.”

  I was having fun. I felt all the supreme confidence I only felt back when I was the president of the gaming club. Just like then, I was among my people here. This must be what Nala felt like all the time. I would have died of embarrassment joking around like this with anyone other than a fellow geek. Why couldn't I be this assertive all the time?

  I sighed again and reached over and closed Jared's mouth for him before he caught some flies.

  Then their shock was gone in an instant when Greg said, “It's lunchtime. You ummm... uhh...”

  Jared finished, “You wanna eat with us, or do you have other plans, Sakura?”

  I... he... I touched my forehead self-consciously. I didn't have a big forehead like Sakura from Naruto, did I? Well, only Ino thought she had a big forehead... he was teasing me. I squinted one eye and shook a finger at him. “I'd be delighted to join you two.” I had wanted to eat with them anyway, but it is bad form for an outsider to invite oneself. Or was that just in Japan?

  They led the way, and Greg asked, “So, like, do you know any pretty girls you could hook us up with?”

  Jared shook his head incredulously at his friend as I shared with them, “If I knew any pretty girls I'd be too afraid to ask them out myself.”

  We shared a chuckle and headed to the cafeteria. That's when my cell started buzzing. I pulled it out and froze when I looked at the screen, Nala? I felt the blood drain from my face. She must have seen the article. Now she was going to yell at me too.

  I told them when they stopped with me, concern on their faces. I placed a hand on Jared's arm. “You two go on without me, I have to take this, I'll catch up.”

  They nodded, eyes narrowing. They were sweet, being concerned about someone they had just met that day.

  As soon as they were back on their way, I looked around and slid into a broom closet and answered, “H... hello?”

  I held the phone from my ear as Nala yelled, “What the actual hamster licking fuck, Karmin? I got a call from Devon. Who the fuck is Devon? He's telling me he's my new personal assistant from the station and asking if there is anything he can do for me!”

  I opened my mouth to respond, but she kept going. “Yes Devon, you can do something for me, you can get yourself the fuck off the fucking phone and get me the fuck Karmin.”

  She seemed to be growling like she was searching for words. I said meekly, “That's a lot of uses of the f-word. Not to the scale of the f-fest in the middle of Shaun of the Dead, but impressive nonetheless.”

  She snorted. “Stop that. I'm pissed at you, so you don't get to be all cute here. What the hell did I do? I thought we got along great last night, you were awesome. Then I find out you don't want to be my PA anymore? And I get this Devon? I mean god damn it, Kar.”

  I took a moment to process what she was saying. Had they actually told her I didn't want to be her PA anymore or had she assumed? And she was talking harshly like she did when she hid behind her Na Na armor. I prompted with that thought, “Am I speaking with Na Na or Nala?”

  She was deathly silent for so long that I thought we may have lost the connection. Then she asked in an almost unsure tone, “Does it matter?”

  I nodded into thin air like she could see it, and said, “Actually, yes. Yes, it does.”

  After a moment of hesitation, she said quietly as she calmed, “I don't know, maybe a little of both?”

  I admitted as my stomach tied itself in knots, “I prefer to speak to Nala since she's the real you. And I didn't request the changeup.”

  She paused again then asked, “Then why...”

  I finished for her, “...did they assign Devon to you?”

  She affirmed. “Yeah. And why...”

  I supplied, “...was I reassigned?”

  She snorted and complained, “You're doing that Cassandra thing again, it's a little unnerving. Just tell me what's going on, or I'll have to march down there just to give you the stink eye. I'm up to my elbows in contracts and blueprints and contractors wanting to give bids and estimates, so I don't have time for the stink-eye.”

  I cringed and squinted one eye as I asked, dreading being the one to point it out to her, “You haven't seen yet?”

  She sounded equal parts exasperated and amused as she warned, “You're pushing it, Kar, I feel the stink-eye comin' on. Seen what?”

  I said the two words which instilled fear in every local celebrity, “Seattle Tattler.”

  She growled out in resignation, “Oh Lord, what now? I grew a schlong or had an alien love child or something?” Then she covered the mouthpiece. “Kat, Bethany! Tattler, now!”

  I had to slap my hand over my mouth to stop a titter at her first guess. I wonder if she knew how much of Na Na bled through to herself, and just how funny she really was.

  I heard the rustling of paper then she snorted and said, “Would you look at that, I'm cradle robbing and stealing some young schoolgirls virtue.” Then she asked, sounding not at all upset for some reason, “You didn't tell me you were a teen when we started shacking up. So what were you, like eight in high school then? Fuckin' paparazzi morons.”

  I asked, my voice colored in confused over her reaction, “Aren't you upset? They're dragging your name through the mud with those sleazy allegations.”

  I could almost envision her head shaking as she said plainly, “If I went about getting upset at every lie told about me in these rags, I'd need to be committed and put in one of those padded rooms. I'll let you in on a little secret that promoters everywhere know. There is no such thing as bad publicity.”

  She sounded smug as she went on. “Whether it is true or not, it is getting my name out there. Those who know me will high five me, those who don't and want to judge me will look me up. Things like this expose more people to my brand.”

  Then she added, “Besides, this only plays into my image, so long as they don't try to imply I'm doin' it with a minor.” Then she said with a fake British accent, “Come on love, I'm Na Na fuckin' Evermore.”

  Ok, I'm not too proud to admit that I giggled at that.

  Then she asked in a softer voice, “Is this why you requested a change? Because you thought this would upset me?”

  I shook my head as I almost whispered into my cell, “I didn't. They think it gives the station a black eye and looks like they were providing ummm escort services to woo you.”

  She said offhandedly, “Eh, I could do a lot worse than you.”

  I whispered in shock, “Hey! Don't get smug. They think I was plying you with sexual favors. I don't... I couldn't... I'm a professional.”

  Nala's voice took on a sharp edge as she covered the receiver again and yelled, “Someone get me the numbers for the Seattle Evermore piece!” Then to me, she said dangerously, “One, they have no way of knowing who you are from this article, let alone connect you with the station. So two, I guess it's time for Na Na to live up to her reputation and go down and tear the studio a new arsehole.”

  I sputtered out, “No! You can't do that. I need this job. I'd have to start from the bottom all over again.”

  She offered in a predatory tone, “Oh, your job is safe. Just hang tight a couple days, it's time for Na Na to go on the prowl. This is gonna be fun. You're my assistant, or no one is.”

  That sent a shudder, not too terribly unpleasant, down my spine. Kuso! This can't possibly end well for anyone, can it?

  Then she said, “Oh, and you're coming to the Spartan tonight. You can watch how I put together a podcast.”

  But... what? She... did she just?

  She said, “Great. See you at nine.” Then she purred with all of Na Na's confidence, “Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go picture all the imaginary sexual favors you performed for me last night.”

  I squeaked and felt my cheeks burn
ing. A really pleasant warmth was spreading from my core as she hung up on me. I realized I was touching my lips with my fingers and dropped them. Then took a deep breath. How could you get aroused just by the sound of someone's teasing voice?

  My sunshiny day had just returned. I couldn't stop my smile as I pocketed my cell and stepped out of the closet to join Armin and Kon for lunch with a skip in my step.

  The overall takeaway from that surreal conversation was the huge relief I felt that Nala wasn't mad at me. For some reason, that would have hurt far worse than the studio being upset with me.

  Wait. My smile faded as I waved at the boys who had a table for us as I went up to the food line and panic started to set in. I was going to a thrash metal club tonight? The Spartan? What was I going to wear? Ahhhhhh!

  Chapter 7 – Wretches

  I hung up with a huge sense of relief. I thought that since Karmin saw the real me last night, saw my vulnerability and uncertainty instead of the rock that is Na Na, that she wanted to run far far away. The call from this Devon ass, well he might not be an ass, he might be a great guy. I'm just projecting my anger. It hurt more than I thought possible for losing someone I've known just a day.

  Well not really a day, I mean we sort of knew each other before all of this fame. If only I ever had the guts to talk to her or join the gaming club. But my mom would have thrown a tizzy.

  Karmin had brains, personality, and ethics to spare, and she was so fuckin' cute to top it all off, like a cherry on top. I envied her success while being true to herself. I could see why people flocked around her.

  So now it was my turn to flip the script on the studio since they seemed so pansy assed that they'd get a black eye from a single article from a non-reputable source. Poor Devon. I grinned wickedly as I dialed the number he had given me before I hung up on him. The studio expected me to be high maintenance and hard to rein in, so that's what the poor boy was about to get.

  I took a note Spike offered to me and grinned at the numbers on the paper as Devon answered. I blurted, “You said you were my fuckin' assistant. Yet here I am standin' here without a guava-melon smoothie in my hand. What kind of cut-rate studio are your bosses running?” I cringed at the thought of a guava-melon smoothie, eww.

  The man replied almost in panic, “But Miss Dupree, you said... I... Umm... I'm on my way. Where are you at right...”

  I hung up with a wicked grin, holding the cell to my forehead a moment before turning back to the mass of strangers crowding my office.

  I sighed in resignation. Kat certainly did put in a few calls to contractors all right. They were all climbing out of the woodwork and clamoring for the renovation contract. And the architect I chose was looking over the existing blueprints for the place with me as we spoke about what I wanted.

  Lord, I actually felt like I really did need a personal assistant if it was this hectic already, and the job hadn't even begun. I was just glad I had my posse to run interference for me here. Would it be wrong to use Devon for my personal stuff instead of just for my show?

  I exhaled as I pocketed my cell and the note, and stepped up to the architect, Randy Franks, and said, “Now then, where were we?”

  ***

  By the end of the day, I had the start of a migraine. All the permits and other regulatory bullshit we'd have to go through was going to be a nightmare according to Randy. And depending on how much structural work had to be done after inspection, I might have to move my office out of the building while the work was done.

  Then to top it off, he said the likelihood of the city's historical society getting involved was high since the building held a modicum of historical significance to Seattle. He offered the notion that it would be much easier, cheaper, and much less red tape if I simply razed the building and put up a new structure like Kat had suggested.

  My response, “Not fuckin' likely. I love this playhouse, and we're going to breathe life back into her again.”

  Devon eventually found me. I tried not to grin when I found he had to go to Karmin and ask where to find me. I learned that they had put her in the mailroom! I grinned internally, betting she was running that particular mailroom already.

  I ran the poor young man ragged. I even took a page out of Amber LaLanie's autobiography and had the guy peel some M&Ms for me, just to dump them in the trash in front of him after eating one.

  I told him to be back bright and early the next day. If they were giving him to me full time for just my little once a week segment, then I was going to monopolize his every waking minute until I went to the studio and struck.

  I felt bad being such a bitch to him. Though in the station's eyes he was more of a handler than an assistant, so I didn't feel 'that' bad. It was the studio my ire was aimed at, he was just one of the tools I was going to be using to press my point when I next contacted them.

  Porter did call to discuss possible venues and the possibility of me taking live calls at some of the sessions. I was open to that to some extent since I love interacting with my fans online. I noted how carefully she kept from addressing the change of PAs with me, and I didn't bring it up either. It wasn't the right time yet. I needed Devon to percolate a bit first. Besides, I liked Porter, and that would probably change if I found she agreed with the studio.

  She needed me for some promo shots on Thursday. Dear lord, I was going to be on the side of a bus, wasn't I? I shuddered, but hey, it helped spread my brand.

  I looked at the time as I got home. I'd be able to decompress by working out in the dance studio in about a half hour when Miss Henderson is done with a dance pupil. Then Mads and Dani said they'd be dropping by for pizza later.

  They'll flip when I inform them I told Karmin to meet me tonight at the rave.

  Sure, I had to Na Na out to get the balls to do it, but I had.

  Whoa, I just realized that I was starting to get a social life. When the hell had that snuck up on me? First Madelyn and Dani, now an anime character come to life.

  Was it wrong that every time I thought of Karmin, I got a silly smile on my face?

  After my distracted workout, where I couldn't get a certain girl out of my thoughts, I called Devon to have him deliver the music from an obscure Russian opera to me. Oops, at ten tonight, I wouldn't be home, what a shame. Na Na equals bitch. Sorry.

  Crap. I had a crush on Kar, didn't I?

  I was able to get my head screwed on right after I cleaned up. I grinned at the sound of the elevator going down to pick someone up. Yay, they were here. Besides the landlord; me; the building manager; me; and well, me, only Madelyn and Danielle had the elevator call key.

  The smells of baked bread, melted cheese, pepperoni, and sausage preceded them, as the scintillating aroma rose out of the shaft, causing me to salivate. With the exception of one peeled M&M, I hadn't eaten since breakfast, the day was too hectic to stop for a bite.

  I saw their heads rising up through the gates and had to grin as Dani pulled them open. If I didn't know her, and you asked me on the street what I thought she did for a living, police officer wouldn't have been in the top thousand guesses. I'd respond with something like a girl's softball coach, or a barista.

  The blonde was just too cute and almost preppy looking to be the seasoned beat cop with ice water running through her veins that she was. Like in the video clip of her tackling a thief at Pike Place market which went viral online.

  But you put that uniform on her that she was wearing just then, and dayum. I admit my eyes drifted to her arms, with their well-toned muscles which rivaled mine as she led her girlfriend, Madelyn, into the loft.

  Maddie grinned at me and walked up with the large pie from Sal's and opened it in front of me as she chuckled and said, “Hey now, her eyes are up there. Those arms are mine.”

  I grinned down at the plucky girl who had bright green hair today and took the box from her greedily as I stuck my tongue out at her.

  She exhaled, decompressing from her day as she slipped her beret and her hair off, tossing i
t on a table as she passed on her way into the kitchen. I smiled at the fact she felt comfortable taking her hair off around me. She knew she could be herself here.

  She rubbed her bald, shiny head with both hands as she dug around in the cupboards for plates. And inevitably a fork. She was an odd one, our Mads, she ate her pizza with a fork. I mean, who does that? She joined us at the table as Dani brought out a six pack of cola from the bag she was carrying.

  I looked at Maddie's fork and said, “Weirdo,” as Dani unbuckled her gun belt and hung it over the back of her chair.

  Our bald-headed companion didn't even respond to me. Instead, she looked at her girl and smirked as she said, “This from a girl with a horse's mane on top of her head.”

  I slapped her hand away from grabbing the first slice as I exclaimed, “Hey! For the last time, I don't have a pony fantasy.” I made a point of showing her how to take a proper bite of pizza while it was in your hand, none of this fork nonsense.

  Dani slapped her hand and took the slice she had been going for and stole it with a grin. She followed my lead causing Maddie to warn her. “Watch it copper, isn't that abuse of power?”

  I kicked back with a satisfied grin as I ate, listening to the two of them banter back and forth. They were such an intriguing match. Madelyn had a hate on for the police because of family problems, but she loved her own personal cop with a vengeance. Hey, you can't help who you love.

  Through a mouthful of pizza, during a break between their insults, which were starting to get a little sexually charged, I said, “I told Karmin to meet me at the club tonight.”

  It was like a needle had been drug across the record as they both silenced and swung their undivided attention to me. Dani looked interested, and Mads looked ready to burst into puppies and rainbows at any second.

  Madelyn chirped with excitement glittering in her eyes, “Be kind, rewind. The girl from the station you spent the night with?”

  I blurted out in defense, “I didn't spend the night with her. We were just talking. We used to go to school together. I texted you the details, wench, don't make me hurt you.”