by Cyn Bermudez
Susan was so worried. She hugged me tight. But she was mad too. They didn’t yell at me. They were the opposite of Ms. Cutter. They were silent.
John took the laptop from the den. He put it away in their room. I couldn’t email you! They didn’t talk to me for a long time. They only told me when it was time to eat, sleep, or go to school. Silence for a whole week. I really missed Momma then. Only she would know how to make me feel better. She’d never give me the silent treatment.
Jake and his friends weren’t at school. Stephanie must have told Susan and John who they were. I think Stephanie told the principal. I overheard others talking. Jake and his friends were suspended. They got in big trouble.
I got in trouble, too. At first, I was mad at Susan and John. Why was I in trouble?! Wasn’t I the one who was jumped? When Susan and John spoke finally spoke to me, they told me why. They didn’t yell though.
Stephanie had told them where we were going. And why we were going there. John said, “Any kind of violence is wrong.” He said I was wrong, too. Because I was going to fight.
Susan said I didn’t make the right choices. Susan said they were disappointed in me. That made me sad. Sadder than any punishment. I don’t know why. I told them what you said. That I had to stick up for myself. If I didn’t, they’d always pick on me. And look what happened! They sucker punched me!
John said I should always try and talk things out. He said that was the mature thing to do. Now I put them in a “difficult position.” John said they were grounding me because I was intending to fight. They spoke with Jake’s parents. And the parents of the other kids. John said those kids will leave me alone now. I hope so.
They called my caseworker! Can you believe it? We are going to her office for a visit. They might move me to a new home. I don’t want to leave here unless it’s with you! What if I end up in a place worse than this one? Stephanie said some foster homes have a dozen kids! She said they have it rough! What if that happens to me?! I wish I never agreed to meet Jake at the mall. I wish I never went into that alley.
I’ve been cleaning. Staying quiet. I was grounded for two weeks. After, John put the laptop back in the den. I waited a few days before I got back on. I’m sorry I scared you.
:( ~ Isaac
P.S. Look at this crazy black eye.
1 Attachment Black-eye.jpg
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: We might see each other!
Caseworker called. Ms. Cutter said, “You and your brother are two troublemaking peas in a pod.”
Ms. Cutter told the caseworker about what Lucky and I did. We have a meeting too. I think we are all meeting at the caseworker’s office.
This might be a good thing. Now you have a chance to beg our caseworker again. Ask her to keep us together. If I was there with you, that Jake kid wouldn’t have dared.
What day and time are you going to be there?
I feel bad for what Lucky and I did. I mean,
I guess a part of me knew Mr. Burns wasn’t really a werewolf. Or a zombie. Or anything. But I felt like I believed it.
Maybe I just needed something to get my mind off Momma. Maybe I needed something to believe in. Maybe I was looking for trouble.
Still, I shouldn’t have bothered Mr. Burns. I saw him the other day. He was limping. I think we might have hurt him by accident. It happened so fast. We didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
Let’s make a plan. We have to get our caseworker to keep us together.
Remember she said that keeping siblings together was what they tried for? I’ll remind her she said that. We both should remind her. I think we have a good chance. I hope.
I can’t take this anymore! This is hard. It’s too much. When Dad died, that was hard. Our lives changed that day. I thought we’d never be happy again. I thought we’d never be normal again.
After a year we started to feel.. .a little normal. After two years, we were happy again. Not happy like when Dad was alive. But happy enough.
Why did this happen to our family? Why did Momma have to be taken away? Then they—Ms. Cutter calls them the “State”—separated us. Our family was pulled apart. It wasn’t right then. It’s not right now.
A family should be together. Or at least what is left of a family. Momma may be gone for a long time. I know it scares you to hear that, but it’s true. Me, you, Vanessa, and Sara should be together. Or least brother with brother, sister with sister.
I was really scared when you didn’t write back. I thought something happened to you!
I thought I’d never see you again. It made my stomach hurt bad. I even prayed. I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
So we have to make this work. We have to get the caseworker to hear us. I have to go now.
Don’t forget!
Don’t ever forget.
TTYS
Victor
P.S. I kept this pic with me. Do you remember this? That was your favorite park when you were little. Dad made sure we had your sixth birthday there. Only our family was there. Best birthday party ever!
1 Attachment park_photo.jpg
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Will I see you Monday?
I didn’t mean to scare you. I wanted to email you so bad. But I didn’t want to sneak. Yes, I remember that birthday party. I miss those days. I wish things weren’t so messed up.
My appointment for the caseworker is Monday. I’ll be there in the morning. Susan said 9 a.m. Susan also said we might not see each other.
We are there the same day but not the same time. That doesn’t make any sense! It’s like they don’t even want us to see each other.
Sometimes, I want to run away! I like Susan and John. But they could never be my family. I just want to hide. I wanna hide with you and Momma and our sisters.
Stephanie said she knew someone who did. She knew an older girl who ran away from her foster mom. Can you believe it? The older girl used to be her babysitter. I asked her what happened to her. Stephanie said she doesn’t know. She said that one day, she left. No one heard from her again. Stephanie thinks probably nothing good.
I can’t stop thinking about Monday. John said not to worry. Susan said not to worry, too. Susan and John are not sending me away. They told me. They don’t want to send me away. She said they just want to make sure I’m okay. They have to because I was beat up. Maybe that’s why you have to see the caseworker. Because Mr. Burns was hurt.
Mr. Burns will be okay. I hope you don’t get into too much trouble. I got an idea! You know how he likes to bake? Why don’t you bake him something? Like cookies or something like that. Then say you’re sorry. Momma always stopped being mad when we said sorry. It didn’t matter how mad she got.
I’d make cookies for Mr. Burns if I could.
I wouldn’t have said it when Momma was around. I’ll say it now, though.. .I liked to bake with Momma. xr I know it’s girly. But I don’t care anymore.
I liked baking cookies and cakes and pies. Peanut butter cookies were my favorite. Hey. make peanut butter cookies! I can’t help you bake. BUT I remember the recipe. Here it is:
Ingredients
1 cup peanut butter
1 cup white sugar
1 egg
Instructions
Mix all together until gooey.
Don’t forget to grease the pan!
Put spoonfuls of cookie mix onto the pan.
Flatten with a fork (like an X).
Bake at 350 degrees.
Bake for six to eight minutes.
Are you going to try? Ask Lucky to help you. Tell Lucky to say sorry, too!
TTYS—hopefully on Monday!
~ Isaac
P.S. I don’t know if I explained it right. P.P.S. I Googled the recipe!
www.easy-cookies.com/pb-cookies.html
P.PP.S. I really, really, really hope I see you Monday!!!!
1 Attachm
ent Peanut-butter-cookies.jpg
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: I saw you!
I saw you in the hallway. You were going into the elevator. Why didn’t you wait? I called your name. Did you not hear me?
I was sad to see you leave. Did you get in trouble with the caseworker? Are you staying with Susan and John?
I have news. They’re moving me. I admit I’m scared. Now I’m the one scared all the time. Ms. Cutter said she “can’t raise no delinquents.”
I’m worried I will go somewhere bad, real bad. I’m scared I won’t see Lucky anymore. I did what you said. I tried anyway. I asked Ms. Cutter if I could bake cookies. She said no. I told her I’d make some for her too. She still said no. She said to stay out of her kitchen.
It was a good idea, though. Thank you for the cookie recipe. I wish I could have tried. The cookies looked like they’d taste good. Maybe I can bake next week. If the new foster keepers let me.
I don’t know anything about my new foster keepers. Maybe they will live closer to you. Then I would be farther from Lucky. But close to you. If we’re better, maybe they will let us see each other. Hope so. Maybe my foster keepers will be like Susan and John?
I leave this weekend. Just four more days.
*Fingers crossed*
I am thinking of the good. Like I told you to do. Lucky gave me his email. I can write to him when I write to you. He said he’ll ask his mom if he can visit me if I move farther away.
I’ll write more later. I want to hang out with Lucky as much as I can before I leave.
TTYS
Victor
2 Attachments Lucky.jpg
My-sad-luggage.jpg
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Scrapbooks!!!!!
I didn’t see or hear you. :( :’(
I’m sorry you’re moving. But I’m glad you might be moving closer.
Is Mr. Burns okay? I’m happy I get to stay with Susan and John. I asked them if I could visit you. They said they are “open” for a visit. I think that means yes. Susan said she’d arrange it with the caseworker.
I’m sorry about Lucky, too. I like that picture of you two. Send me more. Susan said I can keep a photo album—a printed one! She said I can make scrapbooks. She makes scrapbooks all the time. Susan said she’ll teach me. Momma would love that.
Remember how Momma kept saying she wanted to make fancy photo books? Susan said I can make more than one. I told her just two.
One of our family—me, you, Vanessa, Sara, and Momma. The other one will be just for us brothers and our friends too. That photo of you and Lucky will be the first to go in.
Too bad you didn’t get to try the cookies! Maybe I can send you some? Susan said I can mail food. I didn’t know you could do that.
Susan and John teach me lots of things. Did I tell you John likes to take pictures? He takes pictures of everything. He is a photographer. He took pictures of the full moon. I’ll add it to the scrapbook. I’ll put the moon right next to you and Lucky! :D
I know you worry about me forgetting Momma. I won’t! No matter what Eric says. No matter how much I like Susan and John, they are not Momma. And I won’t forget you, or our sisters. I promise.
I gotta go. Susan is calling me down to eat dinner. She made spaghetti. Susan puts sausage in her spaghetti!
Weird, huh? But it actually tastes good.
~ Isaac
P.S. I hate that we were taken away. But maybe things will be okay.
P.P.S. Keep thinking of the good.
P.P.P.S. If we need to believe in something, we can believe in each other.
1 Attachment moon.jpg
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: the new foster keepers
I listened to records today. Do you remember what they are? Momma would play them when she cleaned house. Dad when he fixed cars. Momma used to have a bunch. Said they were “retro.” She got rid of them when Dad died. You were five, halfway to six. I was seven. Records are how music was played in the olden days.
My new foster keepers collect records. They have shelves full of them. I listened to Momma’s favorite song: “Moon River.” Ugh.. .I used to hate that song. But I really wanted to hear it today. You know how rice reminds you of Momma? That song reminds me of Momma. It made my chest hurt, but I’d listen to it again if I could.
Listening to music was nice, even though I missed Momma. We don’t get to do much around here. There are a lot of us. So it can get crazy here.
My new foster keepers are real strict. They call it “controlled chaos.” They have rules for everything! They have rules for the house. For us kids. For the things we share. Even for the few things that are our own.
Brian and Amy are my keepers. They live a few blocks from my first keeper, Ms. Cutter. At least I’m still at the same school with Lucky.
There are six of us kids. Mason, Rockford, and I are in one room. The girls, Cora, Boots, and Megs, are in another. Cora is the oldest. She’s 16. Mason is the youngest, just five.
You should see this house! It’s big and old and smelly. There are always noises. Usually one of the kids is making noise. Or Feather is singing (she’s a bird). Or Boom is barking (he’s a dog). But when it’s supposed to be quiet, it’s not. The floorboards creak whenever it’s silent. It creaks the most at night when everyone is asleep. The paint outside and inside the house is peeling.
I can hear the train rumbling by every night. It whistles so loud I think the house might fall apart one day.
But that’s nothing compared to the way the wind whines. The way it rustles the old tree branches outside the bedroom window. The way it howls during a full moon. The way it sounds, some nights, like a woman crying. Mason thinks he sees shadows. He’s always hiding under the covers at bedtime. Brian says the house is just settling. I don’t believe him.
Sometimes, I’m glad for all the rules and chores. I don’t have time to get too scared! Or let my imagination run away like last time...
All of us kids are cooking or cleaning, or we’re at school. Lights out is the same for all of us. I’m usually so tired by the end of the day. We get an hour of free time. I’m glad they have a laptop.
It takes forever to turn on, but it works. I’m going to email Lucky, too. Sometimes I sit out in the yard with Boom. He’s my favorite. Brian and Amy have a bunch of pets:
• Boom Box — He’s a gray boxer.
• Socks — He’s an orange cat.
• Schrodinger — She’s a black cat.
• Feather Fawcett — She’s a yellow and white bird.
• Pork Chop — He’s the goldfish. Actually, we don’t know if he’s a boy or a girl. I think he’s a boy.
That’s why Brian and Amy are “frugal,” because there are a lot of mouths to feed. That’s what Amy said. Momma would have called them cheap. They buy everything “no name.” Like soap is just called soap. Not named soap, like how Momma would buy Zest. Anyway, it’s okay I guess. Brian said it’s just as good as anything named.
ABOUT ™ AUTHOR
Cyn Bermudez is a writer from Bakersfield, California. She attended college in Santa Barbara, California, where she studied physics, film, and creative writing. Her work can be found in anthologies such as Building Red: Mission Mars, The Best of Vine Leaves Literary Journal (2014), and more. Her fiction and poetry can also be found in Middle Planet, Perihelion SF, Strangelet, Mirror Dance, 805 Literary and Art Journal, among others. For more information about Cyn, visit her website at www.cynbermudez.com .
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