Deceitful Choices

by C. A. Harms

  “You know already,” I told her as I leaned back against the counter.

  “I know that Camden’s dad wants to see him for the holidays, and you’re trying to come up with some excuse not to fly to California,” she stated, as a matter of fact. “I also know you are considering using me being left here alone as a way out, but you can just let that idea disappear real fast.”

  “But…” I began to argue only to stop when she shook her head and held up her hand to stop me.

  “I am not some fragile old gal who needs a sitter,” she said. “I have friends and damn it, I have a life.”

  I tried to hide my laughter as she grew agitated.

  “In fact, Buster Morgan has been asking me out for weeks. I may just take him up on that offer and take full advantage of an empty house.” She squared her shoulders and gave me a look that dared me to argue.

  “You need to go, Lindsay,” she said after her stern look faded. “I’m not saying that you and Zack will end up together. But I am saying you should allow yourself to explore the opportunity, because the two of you are now forever linked by Camden. Spending as much time together as possible is beneficial to all of you, not only your son.”

  I had allowed myself to explore the idea of maybe one day something developing between the two of us. I had also forced myself to accept I had already lied to him and crushed that chance months ago. Right now I had to think of Camden and his relationship with his father, because that was all that should matter.

  But with the nagging of my grams and the pushy best friend who daily continued to put ideas in my head, it was hard to keep my heart from hoping that maybe, just maybe.

  Chapter 15

  Zack

  “Are you serious about this?” Rigdon asked as he looked around the living room of the two-bedroom apartment I was currently viewing.

  “Yep,” I said in response as I walked toward the second bedroom, just down the hall from the kitchen.

  “I think you may be jumping the gun a little, don’t you?”

  I forced myself to understand he was only being a friend, and looking out for me was a job he took seriously.

  “Because what if she says no?”

  “I’ve thought of that,” I told him as I pushed open the door and scanned over the small bedroom that would be perfect for a child. “I would only do a month-to-month lease until I convince her that moving here is for the best. After she commits, then I could consider a long term lease. I already spoke with the realtor.”

  “Why don’t you just stay on base?” he asked.

  “Because I can’t. We aren’t married.” I had already considered that option and even spoken with someone in housing. I had come up empty. Renting an apartment just off base was my only option. I didn’t want Lindsay or Camden to have to spend Christmas living out of a hotel, so this was what I had to do.

  And I had to make it happen fast, because they would be here in two weeks.

  The best part about this place was that it came furnished, with appliances, and all utilities paid. It was move-in ready, and affordable on my housing allowance.

  “I’m going for it, Rig,” I told him as I turned to face him. “Every day since I left them I’ve thought of nothing other than seeing them again.”

  “Is it them, or him?” His question was one that made sense. It was also something I had been asking myself every day over the last few weeks.

  “At first, if you’d asked me that same question I would have said it was solely for Camden and my need to be near him. Now I’m not sure that’s the only reason.” I leaned against the window sill with my hip and scanned over the small enclosed area just outside the back doors. “Every night after Camden has fallen asleep, Lindsay and I have stayed up talking. I bet you we’ve logged hours of getting to know one another. She’s slowly opened up and allowed me a glimpse into the girl she was when I first met her. The life she lived prior to Camden forced her to grow up a lot faster than she should have had to.”

  The stories she told me about growing up in her parents’ trailer made me sick. I had come from a family so full of love and support that something of that stature seemed impossible.

  “I don’t know what’ll come of Lindsay and me, if anything, but I know when I think of Camden, I think of him and Lindsay as a whole. I don’t like the idea of him being raised by another man, and I can’t honestly say if that is based on something I feel for Lindsay or if it is only because of my son. But I do know that I’d like the chance to explore that avenue and see where it leads us.” I looked up to find my best friend watching me closely. “If she and I end up being nothing more than friends, then I’ll move out and Camden and Lindsay can live here. At least then I’ll have them close.”

  “I’ve overheard some of the conversations you’ve shared with Lindsay. I can tell she’s not who we both thought she was.” Rigdon had also helped me entertain my son a time or two.

  I remembered the night I lay awake and watched both Camden and Lindsay sleep. She had fallen asleep shortly after him, even though she tried to fight it. It was mesmerizing as the solemn breaths of each of them were in sync. One deep breath followed by a tiny intake, and then the sound of Camden sucking on his fingers. I could have lay there for hours listening to them, had it not been for Rigdon asking me what the hell I was doing.

  At the sound of his voice, Lindsay woke up, then shortly after we ended that call.

  I found myself wanting more nights like that, except I didn’t want to not be able to reach out and touch the two of them if the need struck me.

  “I want them both here, Rig,” I confessed. “I like talking to Lindsay. Even before, when we first met, it was one of the first things that attracted me to her. She was so laid back and simple. I know she lied, but that didn’t change the fact she and I had some kind of connection right from the start. And things are different now. There was no longer the threat of her being underage and we have a son together. For him, I have to give the possibility of a family a chance. Lindsay may not know what it feels like to be loved unconditionally by both a father and mother, but I want Camden to have that and I want her to feel it too.”

  “I would say you answered the question then,” Rigdon said, only this time he wore a knowing smile. “It isn’t just about having your son near; it’s about Lindsay too.”

  ***

  It was a little after 8:00 p.m. when I tried to call Lindsay. After four rings it went to voicemail and I hung up only to attempt to call again.

  After the third try I started to get a little nervous. Never once had I called and she not answer.

  The fact I couldn’t jump in my car and drive over to her house to check on them was driving me fucking mad.

  “Chill the fuck out, Z; she’s probably busy taking care of the kid or in the shower. She’ll call back,” Rigdon assured me as he flipped through the channels on the television. “Just give it some time; I’m sure she’ll call back.”

  I tried to control my worried state. He was right; at least for now I didn’t have a reason to worry.

  But that thought faded fast when after almost an hour she still had not returned my call. And after at least another ten phone calls I had the right to start worrying.

  I searched through my phone looking for the number I knew I had called once before. It had been weeks ago when I first found out I had a son, but it was there somewhere.

  Just as I hovered over the number on my call log that I knew belonged to Taylor, my phone rang with Lindsay’s name flashing across the screen.

  I didn’t even let it ring a second time before quickly swiping my finger over the screen. “Hello, Linds, is everything okay?”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t answer when you called earlier. I was in the emergency room and I had it on vibrate. I actually picked up my phone to call you and realized you’d already called.” I could tell by her voice she was upset.

  “What’s going on?” My stomach was in knots.

  “Camden’s been running a fever
off and on all day,” she replied, just as I heard my son begin crying in the back ground. It resembled a cry of pain that made my chest fucking ache.

  “Lindsay?” I hated the inability to rush to their side. I wanted to be with them. I should be with them.

  “They’re just gonna keep him overnight,” she assured me. “They think it’s viral, but he’s not eating or drinking, and he’s dehydrated from the fever.”

  I hung my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Can we Skype?” I asked. “I wanna see him.”

  “Yeah,” she whispered. “Just send it through and I’ll answer.”

  Within moments my son came into view and my heart hammered in my chest. He lay in what looked like a fucking metal cage with an IV running from his left hand. His little chest rose and fell as he looked around the room. His lower lip trembled and instantly I wanted to reach out and soothe his sadness, only I couldn’t.

  “Hey little man.” I watched as he looked toward Lindsay, attempting to locate my voice. “Daddy’s here, buddy.”

  Lindsay must have moved the phone closer because he came into better view, and the moment he located me he puckered his lip and the tears fell heavy.

  A mixture of anger and heartache filled me and I wanted to react, but was able to maintain control.

  “He’s really tired,” Linds whispered as she gently patted Camden’s back. “He hasn’t slept much today.”

  I watched in silence as he began to close his eyes and lifted his blanket to his face. He did that when he was falling asleep; it was like he was smelling it.

  I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but I had fallen into some form of trance as I watched him fade into a deep sleep.

  It was in that moment I made up my mind. No matter what it took, I would convince Lindsay she had to move to California. I couldn’t be this far away from them because it was killing me.

  I spent the night with them, as Lindsay slept in the chair at his side. A few times throughout the night he woke with a loud cry and she would soothe him. Each time I couldn’t offer my own form of comfort to my son only made my heart ache more.

  This distance was something I couldn’t live with.

  “What do you think would have happened if I’d been able to reach you and you knew about Camden right away?” Lindsay’s question surprised me. I had just started to fade, and out of nowhere she spoke.

  I chose to be completely honest. “Had I known, I would have had you on the first flight here to California and stayed by your side through the entire process.”

  She smiled and looked back over at Camden as if she was in deep thought.

  “That day I drove away from the Shores was hard. I wanted more than once to turn around and go back, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to protect myself and yes, I know that seems selfish, but had someone of importance found out you and I slept together, I could have been in jail faster than I knew what hit me.” The idea of that still gave me a sick feeling in my stomach.

  “But I’ll tell you right now, if you were eighteen, I would have stayed. Because that night between us was never just about the sex. It was the first time I connected with someone since my father died. And I think what hurt the most is that I had no choice but to leave, even though I truly wanted to stay.” I still looked at the screen, where my son slept unsoundly. I imagined things with us turning out an entirely different way than they had. “But I always thought of you, even though I knew I shouldn’t. Even when I thought all those things she said were true…” I swallowed hard. “I still thought of you.”

  “I thought of you too,” she confessed. “During those months sometimes you were all I could think about.”

  Chapter 16

  Lindsay

  “You have everything you need,” Grams assured me as I had a last minute panic attack right before boarding the plane. I was sure I had forgotten to pack something important. “We went over everything more than five times before we left the house. And twice more since we’ve been here. You need to calm down and get on that damn plane before you miss your flight.”

  Grams always made me laugh when she attempted to get all authoritative.

  I turned to face her and gave her one last hug before gathering Camden and rushing off to the attendant who was taking the tickets.

  For the past forty-eight hours I had talked myself out of going to California at least half a dozen times, only to have Grams and Taylor straighten me up and give me no other option but to go.

  I could even tell Zack had sensed my hesitation during our phone call the previous night. He kept asking me over and over what time my flight took off. I knew it was information he already had, considering he was the one who booked the flight, but he asked anyway. Then that morning he texted me on three different occasions, telling me I had to be at the airport in an hour, then thirty minutes and finally the last one stated I should be at the airport checking in.

  It was actually sweet that he was so dedicated to me and Camden being on that flight.

  I was about to embark on close to six hours of travel, with a connecting flight in Dallas, before landing in San Diego around 4:00 p.m. I was nervous about Camden and the reaction he would have, plus I hadn’t ever flown myself so that didn’t calm my nerves either. I hoped the amount of entertainment I brought would not only soothe Cam, but help the time pass for me as well.

  After about the first forty minutes Camden fell asleep and I was able to read a little. Even though I couldn’t truly concentrate on the story, my mind was all over the place with what to expect once I saw Zack. It had been close to a month since he’d last seen Camden, and over that time we had spent so many hours talking, I felt like I had really gotten to know him. It was stupid of me, I know, but I allowed myself to develop feelings I knew I shouldn’t have.

  Never once had he ever led me to believe we were anything more than two people who had one night together that led to parenthood. I guess somewhere deep down I allowed myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, we could one day have something.

  When we landed in Dallas, I had a forty-five minute layover that got delayed even longer due to storms. Looking up at the display, I found that I had now gained an additional hour, possibly more, before Camden and I would be allowed to board our next flight.

  I sat down and pulled out a jar of bananas, taking the opportunity to give Camden something to occupy him.

  I also thought I’d better notify Zack so he didn’t worry and turned on my phone to send him a quick text.

  It was the weekend and I wasn’t sure what his schedule was, so I was a little shocked when my phone rang within seconds of sending him the message.

  “Hello,” I said, as I lifted the spoon to Camden’s lips and he opened wide, leaning closer to hurry me along.

  “Delayed, huh?” Zack sounded disappointed. Call me strange, but it actually made me smile knowing he felt that way.

  I know. Delusional, but what the hell, right?

  “Yeah, it looks like at least for another hour if not two, depending on the flights they had to reroute,” I explained as I continued to feed my obviously hungry boy.

  “How’d the first flight go?” he asked. “Was he okay for ya?”

  “He slept part of the way and I may have bribed him with a teething cookie or two to help the remaining part of the flight pass.” It was that or hear him scream.

  “You gotta do what’s necessary right?” Zack said with a laugh.

  “Tell that to the light pink shirt I decide to wear.” I looked down at myself in disgust. “I looked like I’ve been in a food fight.”

  “I’m sure you still look beautiful, even with cookie all over you.”

  The spoon I had extended toward Camden froze midair when Zack said those words. It was the first time he had said anything like that to me, and it made my heart beat just a little faster. With the exception of the night we talked about how things could have been when Cam was in the hospital, all our conversations had remained more friendly than anything trul
y intimate.

  I looked up to find Camden extending his neck forward, his mouth open as he tried to reach the spoon that still hovered inches from his mouth.

  Poor baby just wanted his food.

  I was just about to say thank you when a voice announced yet another plane boarding.

  “Is that your flight?” Zack asked.

  “No.” I had a bad feeling things were about to get worse.

  I looked up about that moment to find the hour and a half delay I had seen only moments ago had been extended to two hours and ten minutes.

  “Looks like I have a long wait here in Dallas.” I tried not to sound too disappointed, but it was hard to hide.

  ***

  My original arrival time of 4:00 p.m. ended up being more like 7:00 p.m. when the plane touched down in San Diego. It had been a torturous day, and by then Camden was beyond irritated. I had run out of soothing methods about halfway through the second flight, and after he cried himself sick he passed out on me. When I say cried himself sick, I mean just that. He ended up puking bananas all over my shoulder and I now had a new stain to add to the shirt I decided I would just burn. Maybe I was just being a drama queen, but you try having half a dozen people give you the evil eye while your six-month-old threw the fit of all fits in the middle of a plane with no escape.

  So when I exited the plane and walked down the ramp toward luggage claim I was already on the verge of tears. I hadn’t remembered feeling this exhausted since the day after I brought Cam home from the hospital when he was born.

  I walked with my head hung and a very cranky baby still passed out on my shoulder. I smelled like cookie and bananas, and to some, that may sound like a combination that wouldn’t be half bad, but I could assure them it was nasty.

  “You need some help pretty girl?” I looked up just as I almost collided with a handsome, smiling, and very sexy SEAL. He looked gorgeous and puke free, and there I was, surely resembling a homeless person who’d ransacked the dumpster looking for something to eat.