by Lisa Logue
“Yes, I’m by the back door. I would very much like it if you would accompany me. If you don’t want to I can leave,” he sounded disappointed.
“No, no I will come down. Just give me a minute to clean up and I’ll be right there.”
“You don’t have to change, it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing honestly.”
“Um, ok then. I’ll be right down,” I said nervously and disconnected.
Splashing some water on my face, I debated. If he didn’t mind me sweaty and out of breath then who was I to deny him? I shrugged and raced down the stairs as quietly as I could and out the back door. I saw him standing in the glow of the moon and had to remind myself to breathe. He looked fabulous in his designer clothes, but even better in his v-neck white cotton tee and gray sweatpants. He looked rugged. I swallowed hard.
“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he said smiling brightly when I finally reached him.
“I didn’t expect to see you so soon. Did something happen on your trip?” I asked curiously.
“No, I just decided to come back early and since I was in the neighborhood I figured you wouldn’t mind the company. If you want me to leave I will. I wouldn’t want to impose.”
“No, really it’s fine. I’m just surprised. It’s not every day that I have people wanting to spend time with me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so lame,” I shook my head. Stupid.
“Please stop apologizing. Shall we walk?” he offered me his arm and I took it, smiling to myself.
“So, how was your trip educational? Was it for school or something?”
“No, it was a personal trip. I have some distant family across the country that I visit from time to time. I’ve thought about buying property there so I don’t have to stay in hotels all the time. It can be quite inconvenient.”
“Oh. Well I’m sure your family enjoyed seeing you,” I said solemnly. I missed mine so much. I still hoped I would wake up and realize the last ten years was just an exceptionally vivid nightmare.
“If you don’t mind me asking, what made you move here? Away from your family?” I stopped walking abruptly. I wasn’t sure if I was ready yet or if I could even trust him.
“It’s a long and, uh, painful story. Let’s just say that some bad things happened, I was blamed for it, and my grandparents decided that I needed to get away,” I took my arm from his and walked a few steps ahead. Forcing away the wave of pain wasn’t easy, but it would have been worse for him to see. He grabbed my hand and the electric shock startled me. I winced and turned toward him.
“If you aren’t ready to talk about it, that’s okay. I just want you to know that I can feel your pain. I don’t mean figuratively, Lia. I can actually feel it. Each emotion is projected somehow. I know you’ve been hurt. I know you’re afraid. I just don’t want you to be afraid of me,” he stared into my eyes as if he could see my soul.
“Well I could apologize for making you feel that way, but it would be wasted breath. I can’t control it. I don’t even know what it is. The only way for it not to happen is to pretty much shut everything off. It’s nice that you don’t run away screaming, but I’ll never stop worrying that I might hurt you,” I started walking again, nonchalantly removing my hand from his.
“How do you mean?” he quickly caught up.
“Well for example, when I pushed Dallas away, I sort of used the fear to my advantage. I amplified it to a point that I could force him away. Fear is a bit easier to deal with. It’s when I’m angry or upset that things get hard. Those are my strongest emotions, I think,” he watched me intently as I demonstrated with my hands.
“I see. Well I’ll do my best never to make you angry or upset then. Keep in mind I am a man and that’s not always easy,” he winked. I smiled and stopped walking.
“What is it? Did I say something?”
“No. I was just wondering why you want to be my friend. Why even try, knowing all of this?”
“I believe all of us have secrets. No matter how big or small, they have the capability of changing lives. I don’t feel that you and I are that different. Kindred spirits if you will. Sometimes the good in people outweighs the bad, or the unexplained in your case. I’m not God, so who am I to judge how you were made?”
“Hmm, I guess I can live with that. So what about you? Have you always lived here?” I asked.
“For the most part, I traveled a bit for a few years before coming back to go to school. I wanted to learn about other parts of the world.”
“Where have you been? I’ve always wanted to go to Europe and see the countries some of my ancestors are from, mostly Germany. I’ve heard the people there aren’t very nice, though.”
“I’ve been to Germany. They aren’t much different than us minus the language, of course. I’ve also been all throughout Europe and South America and Mexico. Each place had its own flair and charming features. The United States is beautiful, but our country is also young. Being able to see the history in some of those other countries was very lovely,” his eyes lit up.
“It sounds amazing. I hope to be able to see some of those places one day. My priorities lie here though, with Nana and Pops. I owe them my life. They’ve done so much for me.”
“Most people wouldn’t think twice about leaving it all behind. How do you deal with it?” he stopped walking and stared into my eyes again, searching for something I wasn’t sure he’d find. I fidgeted, forcing my eyes away from his face. His height helped.
“I guess I just try not to think about it. Some days are better than others. It helps when I can keep my mind or my time occupied with other things. I usually read a lot, listen to music, or exercise until I’m tired enough to sleep. Sometimes even then it’s hard to stop the wheels from turning. If I think about where I want to go versus where I’ve been there’s nothing there that hurts.”
“Will you tell me why it’s hard for you to sleep?”
I laughed nervously, “I, uh, have this recurring dream. It’s about the night my parents died. Basically I’m reliving it over and over again. I know they say that a recurring dream is trying to tell you something, but so far it’s nothing I don’t already know. I was there. I lived it. Yet every time, it feels like it’s happening all over again. Nothing ever changes and I’m forced to remember it for the rest of my life,” I turned away as a shudder rippled through me.
“I’m so sorry, Lia. I wish there was something I could do. Come on, let’s get you back home. If you’d like I can bring you to my cabin tomorrow? I live right off the lake so we can go swimming or something. We can have lunch and do some stuff to try to take your mind off things. Would you like that?”
“I really don’t know what to say. I don’t want you to pity me, Christian,” my pain slowly turned to irritation.
“No, no, no it is not pity! Friends don’t meet in the street in the middle of the night. Friends do things together no matter where or when. If I only showed up here at night to talk with you, sooner or later you’d think I was ashamed of our friendship. I want to prove that it doesn’t matter where we go, my decision won’t change,” he looked frantic and I smiled crookedly.
“Well, I will go as long as you promise it’s not a ploy to get me alone and take advantage of me,” I said so seriously the panicked look returned to his face. I couldn’t help but to laugh out loud.
“I’m joking, Christian. I know you wouldn’t do that. I just like your reaction,” I shoved him lightly and the electric shock pulsed again. How does he not feel that?
“I’m glad my torment is so amusing to you. I have a feeling you aren’t quite as fragile as you seem,” he challenged.
“Why, little ole me? I’m not sure where you get your information, mister, but I’ve never heard such a thing in all my days. You sir, are nothin’ but trouble,” I said in my best southern drawl. He laughed at my attempt of innocence and I beamed. When he looked at me his eyes sparkled.
“You’re glowing again. It’s like a pale bluish white. Simply amazing,” he was in awe
. I blushed and took a few deep breaths, letting the feelings melt away.
“You’re truly mesmerizing,” his voice held such sincerity it made me squirm.
“Well, thank you for asking me to come with you. I actually had fun. Good night, Christian. Let me know you got home safely, okay?”
“Will do. Get some rest, Lia. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he smiled.
I waved good bye and stepped inside. I made my way upstairs, plopping heavily down on the bed. Spending time with Christian wasn’t so bad. I didn’t mind talking about the bad stuff so much because he didn’t judge me. For the first time since I moved to Colorado, I felt like my old self. Almost.
CHAPTER 7
I opened my eyes slowly, adjusting to light dancing across the ceiling. A smile spread across my face. The night had been peaceful; no sweating, crying, or screaming. Nothing but darkness until the sun greeted me, casting prisms of light through my window. My thoughts shifted to Christian. I wondered what he was doing, if he ever had bad dreams. He said he didn’t think we were that different. Right before he invited me over!
I threw myself out of bed and into the shower. Nana and Pops were running errands, which meant I was free to act like a nutcase in peace. I wasn’t very good with meeting people or socializing much in general. I used to be, but that was before.
I stumbled back into my room and sifted through what seemed like endless clothes. I hadn’t touched half of it in years, most still had tags, but I had a reason to wear something new. Frantically, I searched for the black bikini I bought a few years ago. It was simple with accented silver threads in the top and a cute outline of the moon on the front, also in silver stitching. After burying myself almost to my shoulders in boxes, I finally found it and came up for air.
I threw the bathing suit on the bed and searched for some shorts and a shirt. Toward the back of the closet I found a button up shirt with swirls of silver that curved around swatches of blues and greens. I smiled, remembering my vintage phase, and threw it on the bed as well. The shorts I picked were cutoffs I’d made from my favorite pants; faded dark blue, the pockets hung lower than the hem, and they hugged my butt just so. I had to admit, I knew how to clean up.
I heard my phone somewhere in the distance and cursed as I stubbed my toe on the bed. I whirled around trying to remember where I’d left it before the cloth tornado struck, when it chimed again near my desk. I crouched down, throwing the clothes out of my way, reaching it right before the voicemail picked up.
“Hello!?” I said louder than intended.
“Hello to you, too. I take it you’ve had a good morning so far?” his voice sounded heavenly.
“Not bad actually. You?” I responded breathlessly. I tossed the clothes back into the closet with my foot.
“Very delightful. I’m looking forward to my afternoon more. Would you like me to come get you?”
“Well that depends. How long would it take for you to get here?” my stomach was in knots.
“I can take as long as you need. It’s early so we’ll have plenty of daylight to do whatever you’d like. Do I need to wait?”
“Go ahead and leave, just take your time. I’m still getting ready and I’d hate to make you wait. Should I bring anything? You know, like snacks or drinks?”
“Now what kind of a host would I be if I made you bring your own food? I’m sure if there’s anything in particular you’d like I can get it for you. I have some beer and wine as well.”
“Ok, well I guess I’ll see you in a bit then?” I asked hesitantly.
“You will,” click. I didn’t know whether to be offended by his lack of phone etiquette or if that was one of the things that intrigued me. I shook my head with a smile and headed to the bathroom.
I didn’t wear makeup usually so I chose some simple eyeliner and lip gloss. I pulled my hair out of the messy bun and let it fall to my shoulders. Spraying a hint of perfume added the final touch. I twisted in the mirror, checking for any imperfections and trying desperately to ignore the butterflies in my stomach and the weird vibrations in the air. I was determined to just be myself, or at least who I used to be.
The doorbell rang and I flew downstairs, opening the door to the most gorgeous man I’d ever laid eyes on.
“You look very different today. I like it. Are you ready to go?” he said while looking me over.
“Um, yes I think so. And, uh, thanks,” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and locked the door.
The beefiest vehicle I’d ever seen sat at the curb. It was a Jeep, painted in a sleek black with a soft gray top. Everything had a chrome finish that sparkled in the sun. It had a huge fixture on top that housed several flood lights also in chrome. It was like a miniature monster truck. It was completely outrageous and so manly I couldn’t help but laugh.
“What? You don’t like it?” he asked, sounding offended.
“No, no, it’s actually pretty awesome. I’ve just never seen a car like this up close. It’s very…manly,” I giggled. He smiled and motioned to follow him.
“Here let me help you up, I haven’t had the steps installed yet so it’s kind of hard to maneuver,” he placed his hands on my hips, the shock of his touch sending a jolt through me. It didn’t dwindle as before, but grew warmer. I blushed. He set me down gently on the soft leather seat, letting his hands linger.
“Thank you,” I said as he slid his hands from my waist. I buckled my seatbelt and chewed my lip. He entered the driver side and we headed off to wherever mysterious hot guys lived.
Christian
I could have sworn I felt some type of shock when I touched her, but I had to be losing my mind. Her only reaction was the delicious blood that flooded her cheeks. Spending time alone was going to be difficult, so I’d engorged myself the night before. I kept a bottle of elixir on hand in case my thirt grew intolerable. I had barely a with her sitting next to me, so sipping throughout the day would work.
“What is that? In the bottle I mean,” she pointed to my hand.
“It’s a, uh, special drink I make. It boosts my immune system. It tastes awful, really.”
“Hmm, I’ve never really got sick. Not that I can remember, anyway. My mother used to tell me that I didn’t even cry when I got shots as a baby. Guess I’ve got a high threshold for pain or something.”
“You’re one of the lucky ones,” I gripped the bottle tighter.
“You seemed to handle yourself pretty well the other day. Dallas wasn’t exactly a small guy. I’ve never seen anyone move as fast as you do. You must have crazy reflexes,” to her it seemed amazing, but I was panicking.
“I think I was just more concerned for your safety than for my own. Normally I’m a very passive person. Well I try to be, anyway.”
“Either way it was still pretty amazing. So anyway, how did you get this awesome car? Are you one of those people whose parents buy them all sorts of crazy things?” she joked. I smirked.
“Not exactly. My parents died many years ago. They left me their estate and some money, but I’ve made my own living. I’ve invested some money and actually backed a few local businesses. It’s pretty time consuming, but I have people who keep track of everything so I can finish school. I’m the anonymous business partner type; like I said I’m pretty passive.”
“Wow. I wouldn’t have pegged you for an entrepreneur. I’m sorry about your parents. I know how it feels to grow up without them. I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
“Nonsense, there was no way for you to know. There’s no need to apologize. Hold on, it’s about to get bumpy.”
The only road that led to the cabin was unpaved and rather long. It was hidden by brush, which I preferred. The downside was the mile-long off road adventure. The Jeep was better at maneuvering and the shocks absorbed much of the ride. Traveling on foot was much quicker, but of course I couldn’t let Lia know I wasn’t a normal human. Well as normal as I could seem considering. She looked so happy; so different. I couldn’t ruin that.
Lia
The road was lined with the most beautiful trees I’d ever seen. The branches formed a canopy above us, allowing kisses of light to dance across the leaves. The wind blew in swirls, the trees wavin hello as we passed. I thought for a moment I was truly alive; more alive than I’d been in years. The feeling was intoxicating. The better I felt the drunker I became. But strings of anxiety tugged against my mind, forcing me down from the clouds. Everything was temporary. I wouldn’t have a happy ending, that I knew, but it was foolish and selfish to subject Christian to the darkest parts of myself just for a taste of happiness.
“Lia, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“I feel so stupid.”
“Why would you say that?”
“Christian, I’m really not a great friend to have. I’m moody and stubborn. I often say the wrong things at the worst times. I’m clumsy, irresponsible, and sometimes even dangerous. I don’t want you to waste your time and energy on me. I don’t even know who I am half of the time. How can I be so selfish to pretend I’m someone else just for the company? You deserve better.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but it’s not true. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t help you overcome your demons? All of us have secrets, Lia. Some people can learn to move on while others need a push in the right direction. I’m not the type to give up that easily. If that’s what you’re expecting, I’m sorry to disappoint you,” he sighed as the car came to a stop. He turned toward me, his eyes boring in the side of my head, until I finally got the nerve to look at him.
“Do you want to know what I see when I look at you?” hesitantly, I nodded.
“I see someone who is more afraid of herself than any other being on the planet. I see a woman who has been forced to lead a sheltered and miserable life because of pain she’s too afraid to let go of. Someone who cares so much about the people she loves, she would run to the end of the earth and back if need be. But most of all, I see the Lia that you’re afraid to see. You are amazing. You don’t even know the type of power you possess or how truly unique you are. You will never forget anything that has caused you pain, but if you can forgive yourself, you can start to heal and grow into someone even more incredible than you already are. Now tell me, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t want you to see what I see?” I felt the heat in my cheeks and my heart thundered. I wanted to be that Lia, but I was so lost I was lucky to remember my name.