Grak_Orc on Vacation

by Joseph J. Bailey

  That would be my luck. As soon as I took the black blade, the legions of Darkness would descend upon me to reclaim what they thought was theirs.

  “Sounds promising, but I have my new powersaw, and my chainbelt can go with me just about anywhere with little difficulty.

  “And I’d rather let my foes keep their souls intact.

  “I might be interested in adding more enchantments to my chainbelt, but I don’t think I need another weapon right now.”

  “I agree, sir. After reviewing the ship’s manifest, I would say you have enough weapons at your disposal already.”

  “What else?” I asked.

  “Maelius Noyone has offered a certified dragon’s hoard for the tickets. According to the appraisal by Saeleus and Sons, the hoard was worth enough to purchase several small kingdoms.”

  “Do you know any kingdoms I should buy?” I asked.

  “There are many interesting parcels on Unea and beyond, sir, but I do not think you want the responsibility of owning property that would command most of your attention.”

  “You’ve got that right.” My one-room apartment commanded more of my attention than I wanted.

  “Knowing your appetites, Magdalia Moone has offered a horn of plenty for the tickets. The horn can summon any known food item for you at any time.

  “This could be an excellent complement to the lifetime supply of free drinks at Orthanq’s, sir.”

  “Nah,” I countered. “The drinks are just so I can go someplace and socialize for free. I already have unlimited free drinks and food if I stay home.

  “That might have been of interest before I came to Alyon, but not now. My belly stays pretty full here.”

  “Understood, sir.

  “Honus Planehopper has offered an extradimensional makeover for your home. He will extend the interior spaces transdimensionally, add several attendant pocket dimensions to your desired specifications, and integrate two portals to your choice of destination.

  “I might add that this manipulation is a highly technical endeavor performed only by the most skilled Paratechnologists. Such alterations are well beyond our means to afford, even with your recently improved revenue streams.”

  “Could I have him build some escape hatches to anywhere I want?”

  “If you choose to look at it that way, then, yes.”

  “Could the connections be two-way? Could he create a link between my home and the ship?”

  “That could certainly be a point of negotiation. This was but his initial offer.”

  “Would my house stay here, or could it be moved somewhere else if I wanted?”

  “Based on what I understand of the proposed transdimensional modifications, your home, like the ship’s extradimensional spaces, could be untethered and moved to a new location if you desired. Or your new home could be linked to something else entirely, becoming an adjunct to your ship, for instance.”

  I thought we had a winner.

  “Inform Honus that I appreciate his offer and will consider it carefully. Let him know I will give him my response shortly, pending other proposals.

  “Wait on alerting the others until we’ve heard more.”

  “Will do, sir. There are other offers on the table, but they are not as significant as these. I will make a listing available for you to review after you have rested.”

  “Thank you, George.”

  “My pleasure, sir.”

  Leaving the bathroom to clean itself, I had George turn off the lights and lay down to dream of what could be.

  31

  “Grak, please wake up.”

  I turned over in my bed. It wasn’t afternoon yet. I had no business being awake.

  “Grak, wake up.”

  The lights turned on above. Taking drastic countermeasures, I pulled my covers over my head, denying the reality of all lights and wakefulness.

  “It’s urgent, Grak. You’re needed.”

  I must be dreaming.

  No one needed me urgently.

  Ever.

  I utilized the one-two combination of pillow and covers to prevent the outside world’s intrusion on my dreams.

  A warning klaxon sounded, and my apartment’s lights pulsed in time to its ghastly call.

  My heart pounding in my chest, I sat up in bed. The lights and alarms ceased.

  My heart was still pounding.

  Undeterred by potential emergency, the risk of annihilation, or sound loud enough to rouse the dead, Draypheus slumbered on.

  At some point in the not-so-near future, I should make certain my roommate was still alive.

  That would be a good once a year apartment audit item.

  “You are needed in Alyon, sir. Fluxcoil is waiting for you on the holo. Shall I put him through?”

  Seeing as I had no alternative, I mumbled, “Go ahead.”

  Fluxcoil’s distraught face appeared up close and far too personally in the center of the room. His dinosaur-sized eyebrows were in complete disarray, perhaps from frantic rubbing or finger swiping.

  That his eyebrows were in such a state did not bode well.

  Not in the slightest.

  “Mornin’, Flux. How may I help?” Fluxcoil’s appearance slapped away the last vestiges of sleep as surely as if Cretus had launched me into a mountainside.

  “We need you to accelerate your departure, Grak. Another ship’s crew has been taken. This one is a diplomatic group of some significance to one of our major partner trade groups.

  “We cannot be seen to be derelict in our duties to protect interstellar commerce and the lives that connect us.”

  I did not point out that the region of space in question was not Alyon’s to govern, so any loss was in no way Alyon’s responsibility. The loss of life, however, was tragic, even if those lost were politicians.

  Even politicians had hearts…somewhere.

  Or vestiges of them.

  I was not being fair.

  Most politicians gave their lives for the greater good. Even if they received great goods in return, for most, a sense of altruism, honor, integrity, and vision played a role in their lives, no matter how small that role might be.

  Probably more so than mine.

  If I was being completely fair.

  Most politicians would not have covered their heads with a pillow to avoid their responsibilities.

  These responsibilities would have been sent off to committee instead.

  “I’ll be right there. I am already ready to leave.”

  “Excellent! George has all the information on the latest attack. We will see you in short order!”

  Before I could ask anything else, like, “Could you teleport me there? Or could you arrange quick transportation?”, Fluxcoil was gone.

  As I pulled on my ALOHA shirt and pants and strapped on my chainbelt with my powersaw, I said, “George, please inform Honus that I will accept his offer on the tickets. I want my house tied to the ship and an exit that I can change between major public areas in the city or somewhere else, like an escape hatch, and a way to easily avoid Cretus.

  “I’d like a nice garden area. Otherwise, he can surprise me.

  “There’s no hurry on completion.

  “Tell Honus that he can share some of his ideas with me at the Wizarding tournament or on the way.”

  If I made it there alive.

  I added, “You’re welcome to provide feedback as well, George.”

  George was better at thinking of my needs than I was.

  I did not like being rushed to feed myself to a demon. But, sometimes, getting things over with quickly is the best course. Even if it often makes everything more painful and difficult in the short-term. Salient examples include removing bandages, pulling out splinters, and extricating appendages from the jaws of orc-eating serpents.

  Ready to go, I stood and said, “George, could you arrange transportation to Alyon for me?”

  “Are you sure that is necessary, sir?”

  “You heard Fluxcoil. He needs me
at the ship right away!”

  “Yes. I heard him.”

  “Then, why aren’t you arranging transportation?”

  “Because arranging transportation is not the quickest way to the ship.”

  “It’s not?”

  George had better not come up with something as insane as having Cretus on call, ready to meet my needs any time or any place. The escape hatch was explicitly intended to be my ACE out of the hole, an Anti-Cretus Exit.

  “No, sir. What are you missing?”

  “Games? You’re playing games when lives are on the line?”

  “No, Grak. I am prompting you so that you will not forget again.”

  “Forget what?” I growled at my obtuse Abstract. He could be as frustrating as Cretus was dangerous.

  “Look at your wrist, sir.”

  “My wrist?”

  I looked at my wrist.

  And proceeded to smack myself in the forehead.

  With my palm.

  My wrist was too valuable.

  I had completely forgotten the return band Fluxcoil had given me.

  Even worse, I had forgotten it immediately after getting it and putting it on.

  Which meant that that last ride from Cretus was a parting gift for my own stupidity. If I had remembered the return band, I could have teleported home without relying on public transportation.

  Or undead flying bats guided by insane goblins intent on causing me as much inconvenience as possible.

  “Thanks, George. I won’t forget again.”

  “Not if you want to escape the bowels of an interdimensional terror,” George offered helpfully.

  “You’re the best, George.”

  “I try, sir, I really do.”

  I smiled and activated the band, thinking of my not so shiny, not very new ship.

  My room disappeared and, with it, my normal, reliable place in the world.

  32

  My blanket and pillow settled around my feet as I appeared inside the ship’s command room.

  I would need to be careful where I stood when I teleported.

  Depending on where I was, having items come with me as I teleported could really work to my advantage. I thought of all the treats that might inadvertently port home with me if I left a confectionary in a hurry.

  Or leftovers from buffet lines.

  Or handy trinkets at souvenir stands.

  The possibilities were endless!

  Of course, given my luck, I would probably bring home whatever big nasty had me in a headlock at the time I tried to escape. This would require some careful consideration indeed.

  “George, can you find out how far the teleportation area extends around me? And how much of something is required to be within the influence of the band’s teleportation field to return with me?

  “I would like to avoid any unfortunate accidents.”

  George came prepared. He did not need to perform any research or consult outside resources. Or, to be accurate, even if he did, such actions were taken so quickly that I had no indication. “The field extends about as far as your arms extend from your body. Most of an object needs to be in that field to return with you.

  “Given the nature of the magic, however, it is possible for you to focus your attention and bring only what you wish. This would explain why, for instance, the floor under your feet did not arrive with you.

  “But it does not explain why your pillow and blanket came as well.”

  An orc needs his blanket!

  And pillow.

  What was wrong with that?

  I cleared my throat before George could draw, or share, further conclusions. “Thanks, George. Is Fluxcoil at the Customs House?”

  “He is. However, in the interest of time, Fluxcoil has asked that we begin departure procedures as soon as you arrive.

  “We will be able to communicate as we depart.”

  Making myself at home, I set my pillows and blanket on one of the comfy chairs in the command room and sat down. I did not let all the information flowing through the air about the ship’s status, the images displaying various areas of the ship, or the assorted vantages projected of the ship’s surroundings distract me from my primary mission to get settled into my new orc-conforming chair.

  “Then, bring Fluxcoil on and let’s head out!”

  “We have already departed and cleared Alyon’s shields, sir.”

  I was not needed to pilot the ship. I was not needed for anything. My ship flew and managed itself better without me. This was truly a wonder. for it meant I could catch up on all the naps I had missed sitting at Orthanq’s bar when I could have been sleeping.

  Everything was going to plan.

  Being demon bait had certain benefits.

  As did vacations.

  “While you get Fluxcoil on the projection, could you bring up an exterior view from the ship? Could you also let Yocto and Kordeun know that we’ve left a bit early?”

  “You got it, sir!”

  The sleek curved wall before me, with its projections, readings, and unintelligible gibberish, fell away. As the forward wall disappeared, so did the floor and ceiling. I could see all around at once.

  Wait.

  I could see all around at once!

  I wasn’t exactly sure how that had happened, but I could see everything without having to turn my head.

  Magic truly was magical.

  An unobstructed panorama of the sky took the place of the walls, ceiling and floor. Below, the peaks of the Dwimmer Mounts rolled away in jagged stone waves rippling across Unea’s surface. Behind me, nestled in her opalescent shields, Alyon hovered in all her manifold splendor. Without relying on instrumentation for a clearer view, from the growing height as the ship flew upward, Center City was largely indistinguishable from the forests nestled in other valleys between similar mountain ranges. Above, the sky grew darker as the atmosphere thinned and the void lapped at the planet’s periphery.

  “Fluxcoil is on the holo, sir.”

  “Put him through.”

  Looking considerably better off than when last I had seen him—perhaps his drones had taken it upon themselves to corral his eyebrows—Fluxcoil appeared in the command room’s center with all the polish of a spokesgnome for a facial hair grooming enterprise.

  “Greetings, Grak! I trust everything is in order with your ship?”

  “Everything I’ve had a chance to inspect in the few short minutes I’ve been aboard is great,” I replied, leaning back into the cool embrace of my pillow. This chair, for instance, exceeded all my expectations. My pillow and blanket were just the icing on the cake.

  “Excellent! If you need anything changed or adjusted, George can make it happen!”

  “All I need is to get rid of that demon so I can begin my vacation.”

  “I am glad you are so eager, Grak. Be forewarned that the ship attacked was heavily shielded and armed, much like your own. If things go awry, the ship may offer little shelter.”

  “I wasn’t expecting anything else.”

  Fluxcoil nodded, appreciating the seriousness of my intent. “You will make several jumps before you reach the Lucaesian Quadrant, where most of the attacks have taken place.

  “We do not know the demon’s full capabilities, so we do not wish to risk it somehow inferring where you came from if you arrive in a single jump.”

  I concurred. “I’m on vacation, Flux. A little sightseeing is in order.”

  Fluxcoil smiled. “Be sure to fully arm and protect yourself before making the final jump to the Lucaesian Quadrant. The demon often attacks as soon as ships enter the region.”

  “And why, exactly, do ships enter the region at all now, Flux?”

  “Many ship types depend on the local astronomical bodies to refuel. Quite a few of these ships still go there, even after the demon decimated the local fueling station. Other ships that go to the station to trade may not have learned of the station’s demise and port, warp, or fly in unaware of the danger. Yet other ship
s may risk the space for salvage.”

  So, my best bet would be to show up at the ol’ watering hole, take a drink, and wait for the predator to pounce.

  Not a problem.

  I was used to sticking my neck out.

  And good at drinking.

  “George will try to pique the demon’s interest by performing the actions reported by other ships prior to the attacks. Generally, this means holding in place while refueling.”

  Being lazy, sitting still, was not a problem.

  “Do I need to be concerned with making a rescue?”

  “Not unless another ship has arrived and been attacked. Any ships there should be derelicts that did not port home after being attacked.

  “After you deal with the demon, you are free to continue on to the Wizarding tournament. All expenses will be on us.”

  “Woot!” I let out a primal scream of greed. Souvenirs, here I come!

  “If you wish to use them, we have made reservations at a hotel near the stadium to save you the trouble of shuttling back and forth to your ship.”

  “Thanks, Flux!”

  I needed to let Paratechnologists handle my travel arrangements more often.

  33

  “We will jump once we have left the safety of Unea’s planetary shielding,” announced George.

  Unea, like many planets colonized by peoples hailing from Ea’ae, employed planetary shielding systems to minimize the number of extradimensional terrors that could be summoned or teleported directly onto our world.

  This helped to prevent atrocities like the one I was about to visit.

  Lucky me.

  This did not completely stop enemy ships and entities from entering Unea. They could still warp or fly into the planet’s vicinity from the outside. But once they arrived, these creatures would have to contend with the planetary shield and its attendant defenses. These same demons could also still be summoned or port in with difficulty. But extradimensional entities could not easily arrive en masse.

  Taking one last glance at the luminous jewel that was my home, a promise of safety I was reluctant to leave, I said, “Wake me up when we get there.”