Touch Me Not

by Apryl Baker

  When he heard her voice break, he wanted to smash Adam’s face. What the hell had the little fucker done? “Adam what?”

  She shook her head again and hiccuped. “Doesn’t matter.”

  “It matters to me, Milaya.” His voice was deceptively calm. When he got his hands on Boy Wonder, he was going to do some damage. “I…” He broke off when someone started pounding on the door. With a growl, he swung around and nearly ripped it off its hinges, hoping Adam would be standing there so he could hurt him as badly as Lily was hurting now. Instead, he saw the same girl he’d seen Lily with earlier tonight.

  She stared up at him, surprised. “Where’s Lily?”

  “She’s not seeing anyone right now.” Nikoli tried to shut the door, but she slid around him. When she saw Lily in tears and shaking, she turned on him like a rabid dog. “What the hell did you do?”

  “Nikoli didn’t do anything,” Lily defended him. “What are you doing here, Janet?”

  “Adam said you were upset and…” Her eyes widened. “Adam did this? Honey, what happened?”

  Lily’s gaze shot to Nikoli, and he cursed. Janet did the same.

  “Come on, Milaya,” Nikoli said. “We’re getting out of here for a little while.”

  “I don’t know.” Lily backed further away. “I…”

  “I promise, I’ll be on my best behavior,” he assured her. “You need to get out of here, away from everyone for a little while.”

  “I don’t know, Lily,” Janet frowned at him, which caused him to snarl in return.

  “I’m not the one who hurt her,” he said, the bite in his own voice shocking him.

  “Not yet,” Janet said hotly. “She’s not a one night stand, and she’s not one of your girls who spread their…”

  “Enough!” Lily shouted. She’d had it. Everyone needed to shut up. Her head was pounding, and she felt like she’d been dragged over a pit of hot coals. She hurt. Everywhere. She couldn’t deal with any of this right now.

  “I’m sorry,” Janet apologized. “I just…”

  “I know, Jan.” Lily closed her eyes and let out a long sigh. “You care and you’re concerned, but Nikoli isn’t anyone’s business but mine. Leave it alone.”

  Janet’s eyes went round, but she nodded. “Do you need to come stay at the House tonight?”

  Lily shook her head. She couldn’t face anyone until after she calmed down. No way in hell did she want Janet pitying her all night either. “No, I’ll be fine. Go home, Janet.”

  “But…”

  “No buts,” she said firmly. “I’m going out with Nikoli anyway, so no need to stay here. I’ll be fine.” Lily couldn’t believe she’d just agreed to that, but the thought of all those girls in the hall whispering and talking about all the fighting…it was too much. Plus if she stayed here another minute remembering everything that happened with Adam, she’d go a little nuts.

  Nikoli held the door open for Janet. Lily expected to see a self-satisfied smirk on his face when he closed it behind her, but instead, he still looked angry. Lily had been surprised to see Nikoli at her door to begin with, but was even more suprised he seemed to be pissed on her behalf. It confused her a bit. She hadn’t expected him to rush over here after her phone call.

  “Why are you here?” she asked him, more curious than anything.

  “I honestly don’t know.” He grimaced. Lily had the distinct feeling he was as confused by his own actions as she was. Nikoli Kincaid was not a man who checked on women, let alone women he’d just met.

  “You didn’t need to,” Lily told him after a minute. “I’m fine.”

  He snorted. “You are not fine, Milaya. Come on, let’s get out of here.”

  “I just told Janet I was going with you so she’d leave,” Lily said. She had no intention of going anywhere with him. She’d changed her mind. “You can leave too.”

  He studied her, and it made Lily squirm. “Do you really want to stay here by yourself, Lily? As soon as I leave, all those girls are going to start knocking on your door asking questions. Are you up for that?”

  Lily frowned. He had a point. She’d seen the number of people staring when Janet left and had no doubt they’d be over here as soon as Nikoli departed. Dammit. She just wanted to curl up and cry in peace and quiet.

  “Fine,” she said. “But no funny business, deal doesn’t start until tomorrow.”

  He gave her that sly smile she was coming to actually like, despite her better judgement. “Scout’s honor.”

  “You grew up in Russia,” she reminded him. “Do they even have Boy Scouts in Russia?”

  “No, but I like the American saying. It makes people trust you.”

  “I trust you about as much as I would a scorpion, Kincaid.”

  He grinned wider. “Let’s go, Lily Bells.”

  Lily grabbed her keys and followed Nikoli out the door, stopping only to lock it. She stared straight ahead, catching curious faces staring at her out of the corner of her eye. She rubbed her forehead to try and ease the throbbing headache as she walked, knowing she was going to be the talk of the campus after this. So not what she had planned for tonight.

  She waved at Jamie, the security guard. He took one look at her and stalked over to them. “What the hell did he do to you?” Then he turned his fury on Nikoli. “I told you if you upset her you’d be banned from this building…”

  “Jamie, wait,” Lily interrupted him. “Nikoli didn’t upset me. He came to check on me.”

  “But you’ve been crying.” Jamie frowned.

  Lily stared at Nikoli’s somewhat pained expression and shook her head, frustrated. “Has this been going on all day?” she asked Nikoli.

  He nodded. “Yeah, it’s a little hard to get near you without someone trying to get in my face about it.”

  “Adam.” Lily sighed. She should have known he’d pull something like this, which only infuriated her more.

  “Oh, no, Lily Bells.” Nikoli laughed. “It’s not just Adam. I don’t think you realize how many people care about you. My phone has been blowing up since lunch.”

  Her eyes widened. People were warning Nikoli away from her? Why? “Jamie, I’m fine. If you want to blame anyone for making me cry, blame Adam. Nikoli is just being a good friend.”

  Jamie’s eyes widened and he stared at her, nonplussed. Lily headed out, Nikoli right behind her, before Jamie could say anything else. She’d had no idea. Maybe that was another reason Nikoli seemed intent on gaining her as a conquest—because everyone told him he couldn’t have her. People needed to mind their own business.

  Nikoli didn’t try to talk as they drove. Lily was grateful for that. She was afraid she’d burst into tears again. She was angry too. What Adam had said to her…that hurt. He’d used her phobia against her, to make her feel pathetic and worthless. He’d said it deliberately. Adam had never been cruel to her before. How could he do that?

  Lily expected Nikoli to take the next turn, but he continued, driving deeper into the heart of the city. This was not the route to his apartment. She’d been with Mikey when they’d dropped Luther off before, so she knew they were not going there. About twenty minutes later, they pulled into the parking deck of a very expensive apartment high-rise.

  “Where are we?” she asked when he opened her door for her.

  “My place.” He motioned her to follow him to the elevator. She frowned when he inserted a key and then punched the button for the top floor.

  “But…”

  “Luther and I share an apartment close to campus, Lily, but this place is mine. I’ll answer all your questions when we get upstairs, okay?”

  The ride up the elevator seemed to take forever. Nikoli stared straight ahead, and it made Lily even more nervous than she already was. She shouldn’t have come. Why did she let him talk her into this?

  When the elevator opened, Nikoli ushered her out into what looked like a foyer or entrance hall. She couldn’t see any other apartment doors, so this had to be a penthouse apartment. The fl
oor was black marble and the walls a stark white, with expensive art hanging strategically here and there. Her mouth went a little dry. She knew he and Luther had money, but she hadn’t imagined this. Lily was a gamer and read the gaming magazines. She knew who Nikoli was, but she hadn’t mentioned it because he hadn’t. She liked her own privacy, and therefore respected everyone else’s.

  The inside of the apartment was huge. It had an open concept look, with the living room flowing into the kitchen and dining room. The furniture was done in earthy shades, with splashes of red to provide a stark contrast to the browns and taupes. It was very masculine. Her mind kept going back to their earlier conversation at the restaraunt. He said she needed a safe word, and her eyes widened at the thoughts of what he did here with other women. She didn’t trust him, so why did she let him bring her here? Panic set in, and she glanced back at the door, wondering how fast she could make an escape if need be.

  Nikoli kicked off his shoes and walked to the kitchen, where he grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge before coming back into the main room. He sat down on the couch and motioned for Lily to join him.

  Lily stared at him, and Nikoli waited. He had to let her make the decision to come to him. It had to be her decision. This was the first step toward her learning to trust him. Without trust, they’d get nowhere fast. The different emotions that ran through her eyes fascinated him. There was fear, hesitation, and curiosity. He was betting on curiosity being the driving factor here.

  She’d been quiet on the ride over, and he’d respected that. Whatever Adam had done earlier really messed her up. She was still shaking slightly. Nikoli let out a small sigh of relief when she hesitantly sat down on the opposite end of the couch as far away from him as she could get. He didn’t let it bother him. Trust would be learned, and he would learn a little bit of patience in return.

  He tossed her a bottle of water. She twisted the cap off and took a sip, her tongue darting out to lick the drops from her lips. His nostrils flared at the sight, but he tamped his own desire down. He had to be careful not to scare her.

  “You said you’d explain when we got here?” She looked everywhere but at him.

  “This is my escape,” he told her. “It’s where I come to get away from everyone, where I come to…to share certain experiences with women who enjoy the same things I do.”

  Her eyes flew up to his face, and he bit back a smile at the anger in her eyes. He knew what she was thinking. She had nothing to fear from him.

  “Lily Bells, don’t overreact.” He tried to keep his voice soothing. “I told you I had certain tendencies, but none of them involve pain. I have never caused a woman physical pain, and I never will.”

  “You just break their hearts.” Her voice was full of her own anger at his behavior. He was relieved. He’d take anger over hurt any day.

  “I thought we agreed to disagree,” he said mildly. “Now, Lily Bells, what happened tonight? You were fine when I left you.”

  She pulled her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Her eyes took on a haunted look that made him want to hit something. “Adam came over to check…”

  “To check what?” he prompted after a minute when she didn’t go on.

  “You were right,” she said, her voice small and anguished. “He was jealous. He came over to check to see if you and I had…if we…”

  “Had sex?” he offered. He could see how hard this was for her talk about. He needed to know what happened tonight, but more than that, he needed to know why she was afraid of anyone touching her.

  She nodded. “I told him it wasn’t any of his business, and he got angry.”

  “Did he hurt you?” Every muscle coiled at the thought of anyone touching her in anger.

  “Not like you mean,” she whispered. “Adam would never hit me, but he did hurt me.” A tear slipped down her cheek, and as much as he wanted to reach over and wipe it away, he kept his hands tightly clenched. “He…he…Adam knows how hard it is for me to…” She closed her eyes briefly, and Nikoli felt his anger burn hotter. He knew what Adam had done. He’d done it deliberately out of anger.

  “He used your fear to make you feel inadequate?” Nikoli clenched his fists. She nodded, and his frown deepened. Adam was supposed to be her friend. No matter how jealous the dickhead was, he should never have hurt her like that. “I’m sorry.”

  She gave a humorless laugh. “He’s right, though. I’ve let it turn me into someone who isn’t capable of intimacy. I can’t give him what Sue can.”

  “I told you I’d help you with that,” Nikoli reminded her, “but I have to understand why you’re so afraid. Did someone hurt you, Lily?”

  “I wasn’t abused, molested, or raped as a kid if that’s what you’re thinking.” Her fingers twisted the end of the throw cushion she’d picked up. “It’s all in my head, according to every therapist and psychologist I’ve ever been to.”

  Nikoli had expected a story of violence, given how she’d reacted when he’d grabbed her at lunch, so he was very surprised to hear that. “So, it just kind of developed on its own?”

  “Do we have to talk about it right now?” Her voice was strained as her eyes fell away from his, but he’d caught the glimmer of shame in them.

  “Yes, we have to talk about it right now.” he said, his voice firm. “I need to understand this if I am going to help you.”

  Another hollow laugh erupted from her. “It’s not about helping me, and you know it. It’s about trying to get me naked.”

  “That’s true.” He cracked a grin, despite the seriousness of the situation. “I won’t lie about it, but I do want to help you, Lily. I don’t know exactly why, but I do. And I can help you, more than anyone else, but you have to help me understand why you can’t bear for someone to touch you.”

  She remained quiet for a long time, but Nikoli patiently waited. He couldn’t push her, not right now. He would eventually, but for now, she needed to do this, to trust him. It was hard for her. Her face said as much, but when she nodded, he relaxed.

  “You know my dad died when I was twelve,” she began. “I started to act out after that. Gave my mom some serious trouble. I skipped school, started hanging out with the wrong people, and over the next three years, you name it, I did it. My sister, Laney, decided enough was enough. It was Friday night, and I snuck out of the house. Laney followed me and tried to stop me. She grabbed me, and I pushed her. When she fell, I went running across the street. There was a park across from us that cut straight through to the cemetery where I was meeting up with my friends. She got up to follow me. Our house was on a curve, one you couldn’t see around. The driver never saw her. He wasn’t even going very fast, but he drove right over her. She died from massive internal bleeding.”

  “And you blame yourself.” Nikoli hadn’t expected that. Losing so many people in such a short amount of time had to be hard to begin with, but blaming herself too? It sucked ass. He at least understood her a bit better now and could build from there.

  She nodded. “Wouldn’t you?”

  He could have lied to her, but that wouldn’t have done either of them any good. “Yeah, Lily Bells, I probably would have blamed myself too.”

  She smiled slightly. “After that, it got harder for me to let anyone touch me. I kept seeing her grab my arm and me pushing her away, and then watching as the truck ran her over. Adam tried to help me, he used to grab me in these bear hugs, but I just couldn’t…I started to shake, and then I’d start screaming. I couldn’t. He gave up after a while. It was an easy diagnosis, but a little harder to cure. It really is all in my head.”

  “You equate someone touching you with death, specifically a death caused by you,” Nikoli muttered. This might be harder than he’d expected, but he wasn’t going to let her mental hang-ups deter him.

  “So how can you fix that?” She laughed bitterly.

  “With patience,” he said, determined. And some help from friends in the psych department. A few owed him favo
rs and might be able to shed some light on her phobia for him.

  Lily glanced up, surprised. Patience? He seriously thought he could cure her of her worst phobia with patience? Nikoli Kincaid was truly insane if he thought that.

  “Adam tried that for over a year, Nikoli. Why would your attempts be any different?”

  He studied her, and Lily squirmed. She also blushed when his gaze traveled from her head to her toes and back up, landing on her lips and staying there. She felt hot and took a sip of water. His stare caused all sorts of unfamiliar sensations to assault her. His smile said he knew it too. Here she’d told him her darkest secret, and all that was on his mind was sex! Now she felt really stupid. Why did she believe this could work? Nikoli was the worst kind of womanizer, and she knew it.

  “Lily, Boy Wonder is an asshat and an idiot,” Nikoli told her. “You needed patience and a firm hand. He couldn’t give that to you. It was too hard, and he gave up. I, on the other hand, don’t give up, and I love a challenge.”

  “How are you supposed to help me when all you can think about is getting into my pants?” Lily asked, rubbing her arms.

  “It’s because I want into your pants that I can help you,” he fired back. “I have methods we can use, things that will help you learn to tolerate my touch, enjoy just thinking about what my hands will do to you.”

  She swallowed, every muscle in her body tightening at the promise in his voice. Somehow in that moment, looking into his black eyes, she believed him. He might be able to do this for her.

  “I’m sorry about your sister,” he told her. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost one of my brothers, so I can’t begin to imagine what you felt, what you still feel. Hell, all but one of my brothers have graduated and spread out around the country, and I miss them. If I couldn’t call one of them or see them…” He closed his eyes, and Lily just stared. She’d never seen this side of him. He sounded like a decent human being for once. “I am sorry, Lily.”

  “Thank you,” she said softly.

  “I’m a bastard. I know that, but I’m not a heartless bastard,” he said, sliding closer to her. She pushed herself as far into the cushion as she could, but he came closer, until he was sitting only about two inches away from her. Her palms started to sweat. “I want you to understand that simple fact. I’m going to push you, Milaya, push you well past your breaking points on many levels, but know that I heard you, heard your pain. I won’t let my own needs make me forget how much you’re hurting. You will always come first with me. You just need to be willing to try.”