by Hamel, B. B.
“Okay, so should I be worried, or is the baby in danger?” I feel like I’m still off-balance from that weird joke about it being a miracle.
“The baby’s fine and you don’t need to worry. I did some research, and apparently this can happen, it’s just… incredibly rare.” He laughs again. “So maybe it really is a miracle.”
I cringe but I don’t push the subject. He does a quick examination and sends me on my way, basically with zero explanation for any of this, but at least my baby is going to be okay.
Which is a strange thought to have. It mixes up with my desire for Elias and as I head back into work, the word “miracle” mixes up in all of this.
Maybe it’s just bad luck. I know I have plenty of that. These past few years, bad things have been happening to me more than to other people, or at least it feels that way. Maybe this baby is just another bout of really, really bad luck.
Or maybe it is the miracle Dr. Splett seems to think it is. Maybe he wasn’t joking at all, and this baby inside of me defies all logic and science.
I shake my head, dispelling that thought as I pull into my parking spot. I can’t think of this baby as a miracle, especially not when I want to give it up for adoption. If I want to have a chance at a real, normal life after this, I can’t let myself get too attached.
I can’t get attached to this baby. And I can’t get attached to this baby’s father. I need to think of myself first, and maybe the baby a little bit, too. I’ll find a good family for my baby, people that can actually raise her in a good environment, unlike me. I have no money, no husband, no prospects. I can barely keep myself afloat.
I go through all the reasons to give my baby up for adoption again in my mind like a mantra before getting out of my car and heading inside. I have to stay strong for myself and for my baby. And I can’t let Elias confuse me, or at least I can’t let my desire for him confuse me anymore than I already am.
I head upstairs and into the office. Marnie’s desk is right up front, and she’s wearing this absurdly bright orange and blue blouse. She looks like the Dutch flag or something. She looks up at me with a scowl, but that’s pretty normal. I smile sweetly and say hello, but she doesn’t bother to respond.
I head further into the office, saying hello to everyone I see, but for some reason nobody responds at all. I spot Joey, but he looks away as soon as I see him, which makes me frown.
I don’t know what’s going on. I head over to my desk and get settled, but something’s nagging at me. The way people were looking at me as I entered was almost openly hostile, which makes no sense.
I try and go through the last few days. I haven’t messed anything up, or really even had any big projects. It’s been business as usual, at least as far as I’m concerned. I want to message Taylor about it, but she took the day off today too because her brother’s wife went into labor last night.
I skim my email but don’t find anything incriminating, just the usual requests and threads. I decide to try and put it out of my mind, chalking it up to my own paranoia. I dive into work, trying to forget about it.
Hours pass that way, and eventually I do forget. I’m busy, enough at least to keep my mind engaged with something else, and soon the time slips past. Toward the end of the day, I head into the break room to grab a cup of tea to keep away the end of the day crash.
I run into Stan there. He glances up at me from one of the tables and frowns.
“Hi, Stan,” I say sweetly, heading over to the hot water machine.
He doesn’t answer right away. I pour myself some water and drop in a teabag before looking over at him.
He’s scowling at me.
“How’s your day?” I ask him, trying to ignore his look.
He doesn’t respond. He just keeps looking at me.
“Is something wrong?” I ask him. “Are you okay?”
He shakes his head and abruptly stands. “I didn’t think you were that kind of girl,” he says, before storming away.
I stare after him, shocked. I don’t know what the hell’s going on. I pull my teabag after another couple minutes, toss it, and head back to my desk.
As soon as I sit down, my extension rings. I pick it up, surprised, since nobody ever calls me on it. “Hello?”
“Alexa.” I pause, shocked. It’s the mayor. “Can you come into my office, please?”
“Uh, yes, of course. Right now?”
“Right now,” he confirms and hangs up the phone.
I’ve never been called by the mayor directly. It’s always his secretary or someone else telling me to go see him, never Toddy himself. I get up, suddenly nervous, starting to connect the dots.
My coworkers ignoring me, that weird comment from Stan, and now this. It has to do with Elias. I don’t know what else it could be.
I head to the back of the building, back to the mayor’s office. His secretary doesn’t seem surprised to see me as I knock on his door.
“Come in,” he calls out, and I head inside, shutting the door behind me.
Toddy sits behind his desk, looking haggard. His dress shirt is unbuttoned at the top and he’s not wearing a tie. His hairpiece is slightly askew, making him look like a man with a bad haircut, or someone that had recent brain surgery. His eyes are red and bloodshot, but he manages to smile as I enter.
“Hi, Alexa. Please, sit down. Do you want something?”
He stands and walks over to a bar next to his desk.
“No, thanks,” I say.
He pours himself a big whisky and sits back down, watching me. He doesn’t speak right away, just stares, and I have to admit that it’s incredibly unnerving.
A million thoughts are coursing through my mind. I know this has to do with his son, but I don’t know how much he knows, and I don’t get why the whole office seems to be involved somehow.
Irrationally, my hand goes to my stomach, and I wonder if Elias told his father about the baby. But no, that makes absolutely no sense. Elias hates his father. Telling Toddy about the baby would be the last thing Elias would want, and yet I can’t help but think the mayor’s staring at me, right now, thinking about the baby inside of me.
Slowly the mayor takes a deep breath and lets it out. He leans back in his chair, looking at me.
“So, you know my son,” he says.
I brace myself. “Yes,” I admit. “I know him.”
“How well?”
I can’t seem to relax. My heart’s beating out of control. “Not well,” I say. “We met at the office party.”
“Ah, that,” he says, nodding. “I probably shouldn’t have invited him. But my son doesn’t like me very much, and I keep trying to get him to come out and do things with me anyway.”
I nod a little, but I don’t say anything. He keeps watching me.
“Are you two friends now?” he asks.
“Not exactly,” I admit.
“Not friends?” He laughs a little. “Are you two… you know.” He winks at me.
I feel myself turn red. “No,” I say, and that’s partially true at least. We haven’t slept together since that first night, so we’re not exactly fucking right now.
He nods a little. “Sorry. I know it’s inappropriate for me to ask, but I had to.”
“Okay,” I say, wanting more than anything to run away.
“You don’t know my son very well,” he says. “And you’re clearly not that close with him yet, so I may be able to save you some heartache.”
I perk up a little at this. “Excuse me?”
“Elias isn’t good for you,” he says. “And you’re not good for Elias. Do you understand? I don’t want anyone in my office dating my son.”
I blink, surprised. “Are you telling me to stay away from him?”
He smiles sweetly, but there’s menace behind that grin. “Yes,” he says.
I stare back, at a total loss for words. This is my boss, the mayor of the city, a man with mafia connections. I can’t exactly talk back to him, tell him I can see whoever I
want. Fact is, this man has control over me in a strange way. I need this job, and he can take it away whenever he wants.
And that’s exactly the kind of thing Mayor Toddy would do. I can see it already. He’d fire me just out of spite, just for not doing exactly what he says. All because he wants to have this weird control over his son, too.
“Why do you think he’ll break my heart?” I blurt out suddenly, not sure why that’s what I decide to say.
He just smiles. “Elias isn’t a stable person,” he says. “He’s an angry, impulsive, disappointing son. You seem like a good person, Alexa, and I don’t want you getting mixed up with a boy like Elias.”
“He’s your son,” I point out.
“I know. And I’m not a saint either. You need to understand that this is for your own good. Elias is bad for you, and you’re bad for Elias.”
I want to tell him that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but I stop myself. Maybe he does know, or at least he thinks he does.
But what keeps bugging me is that second part. He’s pretending like he’s doing me some sort of favor, but he keeps saying that I’m no good for Elias either. He says I’m a nice person, or whatever, but he also thinks I’m not good enough for his son. I don’t think this is about him saving me from Elias at all. I think this is about him trying to keep the poor girl away from his boy.
Anger wells up in me, but also fear. I have to look away from him, afraid that he’ll see it all.
“Do you understand?” he asks finally. “We won’t have any more problems?”
“How did you know?” I ask.
“Someone saw you,” he admits. “Marnie, I think her name is? Older woman, very crabby.” He grins and shrugs.
I nod. “Okay. No more problems.”
“Good.” He claps his hands, and I jump. “Now, get back to work. Have a great day.”
He’s halfway done with his whisky and I slowly get up. I can tell the alcohol is putting him in a better mood. I walk toward the door, and for a second I’m afraid I’m going to turn around and tell him that he can’t control me like this.
Instead, I leave his office and go back to my desk, hanging my head.
Now I know why the whole office is looking at me strange. They all think I’m fucking the boss’s son. I did, okay, but just once, and I didn’t know who he was at the time. They all assume I’m some career whore or something, trying to fuck my way ahead in this town.
It’s insane, insulting, and disgusting, and I’m positive that Marnie’s the one telling everyone. I want to rage at her, tell her to fuck off, but I don’t.
I stay quiet and finish working. When it’s time to leave, I leave without bothering to say goodbye to anyone, and nobody says it to me.
I feel like a failure and a coward, but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t yell at Marnie. That would just make everyone so sure that I’m exactly what they think I am. The office thinks I’m a slut and the mayor wants me to stay away from his son. I’m screwed, totally and completely, because the only thing I want to do now is to see Elias.
But I need to put myself first, and my baby. I need this job more than I need anything else right now. If I lose it, I’m out on the street, and my debts are going to crush me. I have to stop seeing Elias and keep my shit together. Maybe after the baby’s born and I give it up for adoption, maybe then I can see him again. Probably not, though.
My whole world is crumbling down around me, and I don’t know how it happened. I had one night of pleasure with a stranger and now I’m stuck in this insane world, with no hope of getting away anytime soon.
10
Elias
I stop my bike outside of Alexa’s apartment and for a second, I think I might be making a mistake.
She hasn’t responded to me in a couple of days now. I’m not sure why, but I can probably make some guesses as to why she’d stop talking to me so abruptly. I hate that she’s suddenly deciding to ditch out on me, but I’m not going to take it just lying down.
Plus, I need to make sure she’s okay. After those two fucking mafia goons tossed my shop, I know shit’s heating up. Alexa is involved in this, or at least she’s related to me somehow. If Raymond’s people saw me with her, they might make the connection and go after her. I can’t let them use her against me.
But most importantly, she’s pregnant with my baby, and I need to make sure I take care of her. That’s all there is to it. She’s mine and so is her baby, and she has to come to grips with that.
I head over to her building and go to ring her bell, but one of her neighbors steps out. I smile at the old guy and grab the door before it can shut. I slip inside and head down the hall, up the steps, and stop outside of her apartment door.
I knock loudly then wait. She takes a minute before she answers, clearly surprised to hear someone knocking. She’s wearing yoga pants and an old beat-up t-shirt, and her hair’s pulled back into a messy little bun.
“Oh,” she says, blinking.
I smirk at her. “Surprise.”
“Elias.” She looks nervous for some reason, and I’m suddenly even more suspicious. “What are you doing here?”
“You haven’t been answering me.” I shrug a little. “So I showed up.”
“You shouldn’t have done that.” She looks out her door, glancing both ways down the hall.
“Nobody saw me,” I say to her softly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” She takes a breath. “Come in. Hurry.”
She steps back and I follow her in. Her apartment’s this tiny little thing, and I don’t know how she can even fit herself in here. I feel like a giant shoved into a closet.
She walks over to her tiny kitchen, frowning. I follow, arms crossed.
“What happened?” I ask her.
“Nothing,” she says, not looking at me.
“Alexa. You’re clearly freaked out. Did some guys come by here?”
She meets my gaze then shakes her head, “No, what are you talking about?”
“Nothing,” I say, changing the subject. If it’s not the mafia bothering her then I don’t want to put that in her head. I don’t need her stressing about that on top of everything else. “What’s going on?”
She looks away from me. “Look, you see where I live, right?”
I glance around. “It’s cute.”
“It’s cheap,” she retorts. “I can’t afford better right now. I’m drowning in debt and my job is the only thing keeping me going.”
“Okay,” I say softly. “So this is about work. What did my father do?”
She finally meets my gaze. “Someone saw you dropping me off the other day.”
I nod slowly. “He heard about it.”
“Yes, and he wasn’t happy.”
I sigh and clench my jaw. This isn’t the first time my father decided to fuck with my personal life, just because he can. He’s the mayor of Providence, but he acts like the fucking king of the whole goddamn world. My anger keeps growing as I think about it.
“Did he threaten you?”
“Not exactly,” she admits. “He said you’re trouble, and I’m no good for you.”
“That fucker,” I breathe.
“I can’t risk that job, Elias,” she says. “I know you want to be in my life, and in the baby’s life, but you can’t, okay?”
“I’ll talk to him,” I say. “I can help you.”
“No,” she says firmly. “You’ve helped enough.”
I ball my fists. “That’s my baby,” I say softly. “And you’re mine too, you get it?”
Her eyes go a little wide. “I’m… what?”
“You’re mine, and that baby’s mine. And my fucking father isn’t getting in the way of what I want, you hear me?”
She’s speechless, and I can’t blame her. I’m so angry that I’m not really thinking straight, though. I just turn and leave her apartment, letting the door slam shut behind me.
I hear her hurry to the stairs as I go down. “Wait, Elias,”
she calls out. “Stop!”
But I can’t stop. I go out to the street, get on my bike, and pull away. If she follows, I don’t see her, and I don’t care.
I know where he’s going to be. It’s after five, which means he’ll be drinking down at The Albert. My father co-owns the joint, and he named it after my grandfather. It used to be nice until my father stopped pumping money into it, and now it’s just a hole in the wall place where he goes to get wasted with his little pack of followers.
It takes me five minutes to get there. I park out front and head right inside, right into the familiar dim smokiness, the floors sticky, the walls reeking of gin. The bartender looks surprised to see me, and I’m about to ask where my father is, but I spot him at the end of the bar with a pint in his hand.
I walk right up to him. “Why are you fucking with Alexa?” I ask him.
Toddy slowly lowers his drink. “Nice to see you too, son.”
“Don’t give me that shit,” I say, leaning toward him. The whole place is looking at us, and I don’t think I care. A few of these guys are likely connected, maybe dangerous, but I’m too angry to censor myself.
“Sit down,” he says sharply. “Don’t make a scene.”
I pull myself together enough to listen. I sit and I take the beer that the bartender puts in front of me.
“Now, why are you here?” he asks.
“You told Alexa to stop seeing me,” I say to him. “Do you know what you’ve done?”
“I saved the poor girl from you,” he says, laughing. “And I saved you. She’s a nobody. You can do better.”
I clench my jaw. “Fuck you, Toddy. Do you hear that?”
His laughter dies. “I don’t know why you’re so ungrateful all the time. Really, I’ve given you everything.”
“You’ve given me nothing,” I snap. “You’re nothing but a fucking problem I have to solve. Who do you think used to peel you up off the sidewalk when you were too drunk to get home back in the day? That was me and fucking mom.”
He glares. “Don’t talk about your mother.”