by Hamel, B. B.
I roll my eyes. “Yeah, I forgot you pretend that she was a saint and that you loved her. You were a piece of shit husband and an even worse dad.”
“The fuck is your problem?” he growls at me. There’s the famous Toddy temper, peeking its ugly head out. I know I got that from him, but I can’t help it.
“Leave Alexa alone,” I say to him, staring him down. “Right now, I think I’m the only person in this world that can keep you aboveground.”
“What?” he snaps. “You don’t know anything.”
“I know you owe the mafia eight hundred thousand dollars.”
That shuts him up. His angry smile suddenly leaves his face completely and he turns to his beer. He sips it slowly, not saying anything, and I watch him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Toddy at a loss for words before, but he’s clearly struggling.
Finally, he speaks. “That was a mistake,” he says. “I’m clearing it up.”
“You’re not clearing up shit. They tossed my shop, trying to shake me down for cash. They’re serious this time, Toddy. I’m the only person that gives a fuck enough to keep you alive, but you’re going to ruin that.”
He looks at me, and I think I can see a sadness there that I’ve never noticed before. “You care?” he asks. “Thought you hated me.”
“I do,” I growl. “But you’re still my father, you dumb fuck. So listen to me. Leave Alexa alone.”
He sighs. “You turned out pretty good, huh? I wasn’t so bad.”
“You didn’t do that. Mom made me what I am.”
“Maybe. I helped.”
“Leave Alexa alone,” I repeat. “Do you get it?”
“What’s with this girl, anyway?” he asks, head cocked.
I finish my beer and stand. “She’s pregnant with my baby. Leave her the fuck alone.”
I walk away, and I don’t bother looking back. He can be staring at me, jaw on the floor for all I care, but he better fucking listen.
I wasn’t lying back there. I’m the only person that cares about him enough to try and keep him alive. But if he can’t help himself, and stay away from Alexa, then I’ll let the mob have him. He can rot in the river, for all I fucking care.
Maybe there’s hope for Toddy, but that thought makes me smile. There’s no hope for Toddy. There’s only hope that his selfishness will win out over his stupidity, and he’ll survive another day.
11
Alexa
The day after Elias visits, I still have a job.
I thought I might not. Maybe that’s irrational, but I was horrified that the mayor’s guys would be watching. If they saw him come into my apartment then I’d be totally finished. I’d be broken and poor and I don’t know what would happen to my baby.
Fortunately, I was just overreacting. My coworkers are still being a little distant and weird, but at least I’m still employed. I sit down at my desk in the morning and I work all day long like nothing’s happened.
“I can’t believe they’re being such cocks,” Taylor says to me at lunch. “Seriously.”
“They don’t mean anything by it,” I say.
She rolls her eyes. “Yes, they do. They’re shunning you.”
I grin a little bit. “Shunning me?”
“Right, like the Amish. Shunning you because they’re a bunch of prudes.”
“They think I’m sleeping with the boss’s son to get ahead. They think I’ll take their raises or something.”
“They’re ignorant,” she says, and then pauses. “You’re not fucking him to get my raise, right?”
I laugh and she grins at me. I shake my head. “Not at all.”
“Good.” She sighs and leans back in her chair. “Fuck all them, Alexa. Seriously, fuck them.”
“Don’t get all righteous for me,” I say. “Not worth having the office turn against you, too.”
She waves that way. “I couldn’t care less. Plus, I’m universally loved. I can do anything I want.”
I roll my eyes at her, but she’s not wrong. Everyone does love Taylor.
I get back to work and try to put it all out of my mind, except every time I think I’m moving on, I keep hearing those words again.
Elias said I’m his. Not just the baby, but me, too. That should have freaked me out, but… it didn’t.
We barely know each other. Well, I guess we know each other better now than we did before. It feels good to hear him say that I’m his, even if that’s a crazy thing to feel. I shouldn’t want to be owned by a guy… but a guy like Elias doesn’t come around very often, and the idea of giving myself to him is very, very tempting.
None of that matters, though. I made my choice. I have to do what’s best for me and the baby, even if I’m just going to give the baby up for adoption in the end. I can’t lose my job and have no money or options, that’s all there is to it.
I make it through the day relatively unscathed before packing my things. Everyone ignores me as I leave and I ignore everyone, which suits me fine. Marnie gives me a little dirty look, but that’s pretty normal for her.
I take the stairs down and as I get into the lobby, something catches my eye. I stop mid-step and turn to find Elias pushing up off a wall he was leaning on and walking over toward me.
My heart spikes suddenly and I walk fast. I don’t know why, but I just do. I hurry away from him, over toward the front door. Irrationally I think that if I’m going to be forced to be seen with him, at least I should do it outside.
He doesn’t call my name. He just hurries and walks alongside me. I glance at him as we leave the building together.
“What are you doing?” I hiss.
He smiles innocently. “Walking next to you.”
“I know, but why?”
“I told you why the other day.”
You’re mine. I keep hearing the words in my head.
“You can’t be seen with me here,” I say.
“Yes, I can,” he answers. “I cleared it up with Toddy.”
That makes me almost stop walking. But I gather myself and press on. “What did you do?”
“I convinced him to leave you alone. You can see me as much as you want now, don’t worry about him.”
I narrow my eyes. “Really? How?”
“Toddy has some… problems right now,” he says. “I offered to help. Well, I threatened not to help if he didn’t stop fucking with you.”
That makes me stop walking. “That worked?”
“That’s the only language my father speaks fluently. If something threatens Toddy, he’ll listen. Otherwise…” Elias just shrugs.
I look up into his deep green eyes and I want to kiss him. I know it’s dumb and we’re still in the city hall parking lot, but I want it. He smirks like he knows what I’m thinking and steps closer.
“Look, it’s okay,” he says. “I get it. You’re nervous. You have a lot going on. But… I can help. Just let me.”
I take a breath and let it out. “It’s not just the mayor,” I say finally, and start walking again.
“What’s wrong then?” he asks.
“My coworkers. They think I’m sleeping with you just to get ahead.”
He laughs at that. “You mean you’re not?”
I glare at him. “It’s not funny.”
“I don’t think I can help with that.”
“Maybe you can try staying away from me,” I say. “Your father might be okay with it, but nobody else is. I don’t need that.”
Just as we reach my car, he stops me. He pulls my arm, turning me toward him, and suddenly he’s close to me. He’s inches away, his hulking body, his handsome face. I tilt my chin up as if to kiss him, almost just by instinct.
“You don’t know what you need,” he says softly. “You get it, Alexa? You have no clue.”
I stare up into his gorgeous face. “Let me go.”
He releases my arm but he doesn’t step away. “I’m what you need. I can see it in your eyes.”
“Oh, yeah? What do you see?”
“Desire,” he whispers. “You want me to fuck you right here in this parking lot. I bet you’d love it, getting off in front of your coworkers.”
I shake my head. “You really don’t know me.”
“I really do. You love the thought of fucking me, of getting in trouble. Deep down, you’re a bad girl, despite this good girl act.”
I turn away from him finally and it’s like tearing myself away from something beautiful. “I don’t think so,” is all I can manage to say.
“Just remember what I said. Fuck your coworkers, Alexa. Take what you want.”
I pause at my door. I look at him one more time before opening it up and getting inside.
He smirks at me before walking away.
I sit there in my car, his words ringing in my ears. He’s right, I don’t know why I care what my coworkers think. If I won’t lose my job over seeing Elias, I want to keep seeing him. I want to have him more.
I want him to fuck me in my car, right here and right now.
Instead, I drive away, more confused than ever.
12
Elias
I don’t know what Alexa’s fucking thinking, but I’m not playing any games with her.
I’m being open about what I want. She knows I want her and the baby, and it’s up to her to figure out that I’m what she needs. I can take care of both of them, and the more I get to know her, the more I know I want that badly.
But of course my fucking father has to get in the way. I know how his office can be. It’s full of old-timers, people living and dying with Toddy Weaver. Some of those people probably came with the damn building, and any whiff of scandal means you’re dead to them. Unless you’re the mayor, of course. Toddy’s a saint, he can get away with fucking anything in this town and still get elected.
His luck’s probably running out, though. It’s late when Marko shows up at my shop. I’m in the back working on a repair job, trying to get these bikes finished and back to their owners. This is pretty much all I do since those mafia goons flipped my shop, getting up early and going to bed late and working in between it. That is, except when I’m trying to see Alexa.
“Hey, Elias, how’s it fuckin’ going?” he asks, strolling into the room like he owns it.
I stand up, wiping my hands on a rag. I stare at him for a second, not smiling. He stops midway through the room, head cocked.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“You serious?”
“Yeah, I’m fuckin’ serious, what’s your deal?”
I take a deep breath and let it out. “Your mafia friends shook me down the other day. Did some fucked up damage to my shop.”
He doesn’t look surprised. “Shit,” he says.
“Did you know?”
“No,” he answers forcefully. “I swear I didn’t. They wouldn’t tell me about that.”
“I thought you were some big, bad captain,” I say.
“Look, they know we’re friends, okay? If they were planning on hurting you, they wouldn’t fucking tell me.”
I take a breath and let it out again. I know he’s right. I wasn’t even mad at him until he showed up. He’s done nothing but try to warn me about my father’s bullshit, and sometimes he’s even tried to protect me. Frankly, he’s the only one in this town that can even begin to help.
“Yeah, yeah,” I say. “Okay. I’m just pissed, all right?”
His grin returns. “And lashing out at me.”
“Yeah, lashing out at you.” I sigh. “Want a beer?”
That’s the closest thing to an apology he’ll get and we both know it, so he just nods. I go over to the refrigerator and grab two, cracking mine open and handing over his.
He opens the bottle and takes a long drink. “I heard you’ve been working late,” he says. “Didn’t know why, though.”
“Yeah, you heard that?”
He shrugs a little. “Got a girl near here. She keeps tabs on you.”
“Jesus, Marko,” I say. “What the fuck?”
“It’s not like that, relax. I’m fucking her, sure, but she’s just making sure you’re okay now that the shit’s hitting the fan.”
“Guess she missed the fucking shakedown.”
“Yeah,” he says, grunting. “Guess I’ll have to talk to her about that.”
“Also, don’t tell me about the chicks you’re fucking behind your wife’s back, okay?”
“Whatever man,” he says. “I’m a fucking gangster. She knows what she signed up for.”
I can’t help but laugh at that. Marko’s got a point. He’s as good as they come in the mob, but he’s no fucking saint. He hurts guys when he has to and he fucks around on his wife all the time. He’s still a good father and husband, but he’s got a darkness to him,
I guess I do too. But I’m trying to get better, for Alexa and the baby.
“So what are you doing here?” I ask him.
He looks a little nervous and puts his drink down. “Look, I’ve been hearing shit about your dad.”
“They finally gonna kill him?”
He meets my gaze. “Probably.”
That surprises me. It shouldn’t, but it does. I always thought Toddy has infinite do-overs and that he’d be forgiven anything eventually. Even this didn’t feel insurmountable.
But if you add it all up… it makes sense. Toddy’s more of a liability to them than anything else.
“He’s the mayor,” I say. “How the fuck can they murder the mayor?”
“They’ve got ways,” Marko says, looking away. “Make it seem like an accident or some shit.”
“Fuck,” I drink half my beer down and lean against a workbench. “When?”
“Don’t know,” he says. “The decision hasn’t been made yet, but it’s a strong possibility, you know?”
“Sure,” I grunt. I don’t love my father, but I also don’t want to see him killed. “What now?”
“Now you really gotta skip town,” he says. “I don’t think they’ll kill you too, but they’ll definitely hurt you. Maybe steal all your shit, as payback, I don’t know. Sometimes that sort of thing goes bad.”
He gives me a meaningful look and I know what he’s saying. If I’m around when they come to shake me down again, some asshole psycho like Jimmy might blow my brains out by mistake, or maybe just for fun.
“I can’t go anywhere,” I say. “And you know why already”
He sighs. “I knew you’d say that.” He shakes his head. “All the bitches you’ve fucked and now you go and get one pregnant?”
“Apparently it was a one-in-a-million chance,” I say. “She got in some accident, doctor said she could never have kids.”
“And now she’s pregnant.” He shakes his head again. “Fuck. Bad luck.”
“Maybe, or maybe it’s good luck.”
“What the hell do you mean? You’re willing to risk yourself for this girl.”
I shrug a little. “Look around here, man. What do you see?”
“A sick ass shop run by a baller entrepreneur.”
“I see a lonely garage full of motorcycles and no joy.”
He groans a little bit. “You think becoming a family man’s gonna make you happy?”
“No,” I say. “I don’t. But I think being with Alexa and trying to be a better father than Toddy was might.”
He watches me for a second. “Yeah, well, still fucked up timing.”
“Yeah, fucked up timing.”
We both drink in silence until our beers are done. I can feel the weight of that conversation now, hanging over my head.
“I can’t change your mind?” he asks.
“Sorry,” I say. “Can’t leave her.”
“What if you convince her to come, too?”
“Maybe. But I doubt she will. She wants to put the baby up for adoption, and I’m convincing her to keep it.”
“This shit’s all sorts of fucked,” he says and stands up. “Speaking of that, I better get home.”
“Wife doesn’t
know you’re out late?”
“Sure, she knows, just not where.” He grins and winks at me, and I figure he was just at his girlfriend’s place. “I’ll keep my ear to the ground for you, but man, you better play it safe. Got it? If they come… give them whatever they want. Don’t fucking fight.”
He stares at me as he says those last words. He knows me so fucking well. If all this happened before Alexa, I would fight, no matter what. I would never let some guys try and come take what’s mine.
Except now the only thing I really want is her and the baby. So they can have my bikes, my money, my life. I don’t give a shit about that, as long as I can have her.
“I won’t,” I say.
“Good. See you later then.” He nods and leaves the shop without another word.
I stand there, watching him go, and sigh to myself. Of course this is all so much more complicated than I ever wanted, but that’s just how shit goes for me. People think being Toddy’s son is a blessing, but it’s really a fucking curse.
I’ll just do what I’ve always done. Work hard and find a way to get what I want, no matter what.
13
Alexa
One week slides by, and I don’t see much of Elias.
He texts me sometimes, and I always text him back. I can’t help myself. But he doesn’t show up at the office anymore. After a few days, I work up the nerve to ask him why, and he just says that he’s respecting my wishes.
I frown, but I can’t argue with that. I did tell him to back off and to stop coming to city hall. Things are much calmer now, and I mostly don’t get dirty looks except from Marnie, which is good. Nobody’s really talking to me, but nobody’s actively ignoring me at least.
“Bitch ass hoes,” Taylor complains, and I have to agree.
I just don’t care, though. I don’t come to this office to make lifelong friends or anything like that. I’m glad I met Taylor, but as far as the others are concerned, I’m just not interested. As long as they’re not actively shunning me and making my work life more difficult, I’m fine with being mostly ignored.