One True Way

by Shannon Hitchcock

  “Could we have Russian tea?”

  “Of course we can.” Reverend Walker busied herself, filling the kettle with water and putting it on the hot plate.

  I waited until we both had our mugs. “Maybe I should start at the beginning. I went to Pioneer Days with Webb last night.”

  “And …”

  “We had hamburgers and listened to a bluegrass band.”

  Reverend Walker sipped her tea.

  “My dad’s moving into an apartment. That makes the things I’m going through even worse.”

  “I know. Your mom has been worried about telling you.”

  “Everything fell apart when Eric died.”

  “Grief never completely goes away,” Reverend Walker said, “but it lessens over time. At least that’s been my experience.”

  “Did Mom tell you we’re seeing a family counselor?”

  “Yes, I recommended Dr. Nichols because your dad isn’t comfortable with pastoral counseling.”

  “I hate that Coach and Miss Holt are leaving. It worries me.”

  “Me too. More than you know.”

  “What happened to them made me want to change. I even asked Dr. Nichols about it.”

  Reverend Walker’s hands tightened around her mug. “What did she say?”

  “That repressing my feelings would be like putting a lid on them. That I’d never know how much love I was capable of giving or receiving.”

  Reverend Walker smiled her angel smile. “What a lovely way of expressing it. I wish I’d said that.”

  “I kissed Webb last night.”

  Reverend Walker’s eyebrows arched, but that was the only sign she was surprised. “Is that why you’re here?”

  “No, I’m here because I exploded at Mom, but I guess the reason I exploded was because of all of them: Eric, Mom, Dad, Coach, and Miss Holt. I had too many bad feelings inside.”

  “Why did you kiss Webb?”

  “To see if it would make any difference. Kind of like an experiment to see if I could be like most other girls.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “Webb said the kiss was magnificent, but I felt ashamed, like I’d played a dirty trick on him. Does that make me a horrible person?”

  “No, just a confused one.”

  “I’m tired of being confused.”

  “I bet if you look deep inside, you already know the answer.”

  “Yeah, but what if there’s no good answer? I’ll hurt people I care about either way.”

  “Pray about it, Allie. That’s the best advice I can offer.”

  I prayed. I knew prayers didn’t come with a guarantee, but they couldn’t hurt.

  When I got to the horse show, Sam was riding in the Western Pleasure class. I’d never watched her in a real horse show before. She was dressed in chaps and a cowboy hat. I could have stared at her all day.

  The horses walked, jogged, and loped. The judges were looking for a horse that seemed pleasurable to ride. That’s how the class got its name.

  Webb walked up beside me and looked down at his shoes. “I was afraid you weren’t coming.”

  “You mean because of …”

  “Yes, I, uh, don’t have a lot of experience, so maybe I didn’t do it exactly right.”

  I scuffed my shoe in the dirt. Poor Webb had probably worried all night. “I’m the one who kissed you, remember? Maybe I didn’t do it right.”

  Webb pushed his glasses up on his nose. “I thought it was magnificent.”

  I shouldn’t have kissed him, but I wasn’t sure how to take it back. “I was late because I stopped by Reverend Walker’s office. It took longer than I thought it would.”

  “Whew!” Webb blew out a big gust of air. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I didn’t want to be alone with him either, not even in a crowd. I scanned the bleachers for some of our classmates and saw red hair glistening in the sun. It was Phoebe! “Come on, Webb.”

  We climbed the bleachers, and Phoebe scooted over to make room for us. She didn’t take her eyes off the horses, but patted her jacket pocket. “I brought some carrots for Penny,” she said.

  Sam had asked me to do that, but I’d been so worried about kissing Webb that I’d forgotten. I was grateful Phoebe had turned out to be my friend. Not only for the carrots, but for making a date with Webb seem more like a normal day.

  The announcer called the riders to the center of the ring. The three judges walked in front and in back of the horses, taking notes. One of them asked for Penny to back up. She took four steps backward, just like she was supposed to.

  “I bet Sam’s gonna win,” Phoebe whispered.

  I chewed on my thumbnail. If Sam won, maybe it would make up for basketball, at least a little bit.

  The announcer awarded the white ribbon for fourth place.

  Then the yellow one.

  And the red one.

  Sam had either won first place or nothing at all.

  The announcer said, “And the blue ribbon goes to Miss Sam Johnson, riding Penelope’s Pleasure.”

  Phoebe and I squealed and threw our arms around each other! I hadn’t been this proud of another person since … since Eric’s last baseball game.

  “Don’t I get a hug?” Webb joked.

  Phoebe was the one who hugged him.

  After Sam collected her ribbon and posed for pictures, we headed for the horse trailers.

  “Hey,” I called. “Congratulations!”

  “Thanks,” Sam said, but she didn’t smile or look happy to see me. My reporter’s antenna went up.

  Phoebe stopped beside Penny and pulled a carrot out of her pocket. She wrapped her hand around it, the same way Sam had shown me. I had thought it was something special, something just between us. My grateful feelings toward Phoebe didn’t stop me from being jealous. Not one bit.

  “Great job out there,” Webb said. “When is your next ride?”

  “Egg and Spoon is in a couple of hours,” Sam said.

  “That gives us time to stop by the community center,” Webb said. “See if Phoebe’s grammy won a ribbon for her cookies, and more important, if she brought extra cookies for the official Friends of Phoebe Club.”

  Phoebe laughed. “She did bring extra cookies, and we can stop by the crochet display. I won a ribbon earlier this morning.”

  “Y’all have fun,” Sam said. “I need to stay with Penny.”

  It wasn’t like Sam to miss spending time with us, and her dad was close by. “Why can’t your dad watch Penny?”

  Sam crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m the one who rides her. It’s my responsibility.”

  “Oh.” Ribbit, ribbit.

  Sam didn’t croak back. Why? She always answered me.

  Phoebe led the way toward the community center. I turned and looked back at Sam. She was hugging Penny.

  What was wrong? I needed to talk to Sam alone.

  Long tables lined the community center. Each one had a sign in front of it. They said things like HOMEMADE JELLIES & JAMS, CANNED PICKLES, QUILTS, and EMBROIDERY. I barely paid attention. All I could think about was the way Sam had buried her face against Penny. I remembered what she’d told me: Horses don’t judge. Penny doesn’t care that I dress like a boy, or about my report card, or if I miss the winning basket. Penny just loves me.

  We munched on cookies from Phoebe’s grammy that had bananas and chocolate chips in them. Webb and Phoebe were on their second cookies already.

  “I adore cookies,” Webb said. “These are stupendous!”

  “Nobody likes cookies more than Webb,” Phoebe said. “When we were seven or eight, he dressed up as the Cookie Monster for Halloween.”

  “And you were the Little Red-Haired Girl from Charlie Brown,” Webb added.

  The whole conversation seemed stupid. Something was wrong with Sam. That was all that mattered.

  A couple of women around my mom’s age stood admiring Phoebe’s crocheted afghan. “Phoebe,” one of
them called. “I was just telling my friend about you.”

  “Mrs. Owens’s shop might sell some of my work,” Phoebe said. “I should stay and talk to her. How about we meet back at the bleachers in time for Egg and Spoon?”

  We agreed, and that left me where I least wanted to be—alone with Webb.

  The two of us kept weaving our way among the displays. Wood carving was my favorite. An older gentleman with a long gray beard sat beside the table. Wood curls fell from his whittling knife. “What are you making there?” Webb asked.

  “When I get ’er done, it’ll be a robin.”

  While Webb chatted with the whittler, I pulled the ten dollars Mom had given me from my pocket. I bought a small carved horse and waited while a lady slipped it into a bag.

  “Webb, I’ll be back in a few minutes. I want to give this to Sam for good luck.” He was so fascinated by the man’s wood carving that he only nodded in my direction.

  I hurried away from him and toward the horse trailers. Sam sat on a bale of hay, picking at a ham-and-cheese sandwich. “Stale bread?”

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.”

  “That’s not true. Talk to me, Sam.”

  “Okay, but not here.”

  We walked the length of the field and stopped by the woods. I opened the brown bag I was carrying and handed her the horse. “I bought this for you in the community center. It’s for good luck.”

  Sam ran her fingers over the horse’s mane. “Did you kiss Webb last night?”

  I had only fainted once in my life—after Eric’s funeral—but I had the same sick feeling. “How do you know that?”

  “Webb told me. He was worried when you were late this morning, and since we’re friends, he thought I might know how you felt about kissing him.”

  “It was an experiment.”

  “This is not science class, Allie. Webb likes you, and so do I.”

  “I wanted to test whether being gay is a choice. Feeling this way is hard. Look at what happened to Coach and Miss Holt. My mom’s unhappy, and you’re too scared to even tell your parents.”

  “Did you like kissing Webb?”

  “No. It felt like a lie!”

  Sam shook her head. “Then why are you here with him?”

  “Because I promised, and he’s my friend.” Sam didn’t understand. I wasn’t sure I understood myself, except there was no easy way out.

  “You have to tell Webb the truth, Allie.” Sam handed me back the horse. “I don’t want it. I’m sorry I made things hard for you.”

  I closed my fist around the horse and squeezed. “I just want to be happy without hurting Mom, and without ever going through the kind of stuff that’s happening to Coach and Miss Holt.”

  “But you probably would,” Sam said, “or something similar.” Her dark eyes flooded with tears. “I can’t change who I am, but maybe you can.”

  My eyes filled with tears too. “I’m sorry. I wish I was brave enough to be your girlfriend, but I’m not.”

  Sam’s hands trembled, and she balled them into fists. “I’m still glad you liked me back. At least for a little while.”

  I remembered that day in the barn when the sky had been bluer than blue. “I’m glad too,” I whispered.

  Sam turned and walked away from me, without once looking back.

  “Wait!” I yelled. “Wait!”

  But Sam was too far away to hear me.

  After Sam walked away, I stared down at the carved horse. Just looking at it made me cry. I used my shoulder and hurled it like a baseball pitcher, far, far into the woods. I tried telling myself this was for the best, that if Sam’s parents knew, it would be a disaster. Even so, I was miserable. A lonely ache squeezed my heart.

  I stared into the woods for a long time. Finally, I went back to the fair. I washed my face in the community center bathroom. I practiced fake smiling in the mirror. Like when Eric died, nobody could see the pain inside. I checked my wristwatch. It was almost time for Sam to compete in the Egg and Spoon class.

  Webb and Phoebe were waiting for me in front of the bleachers.

  “What took you so long?” Webb asked. “I was afraid you’d miss the show.”

  “Just looking around. I love all the costumes!”

  “They are pretty great.”

  “Have you ever watched an Egg and Spoon competition?” Phoebe asked.

  “Not a real one, but I did help Sam practice.”

  “I’ve been helping her practice too. She’s even better than last year.”

  Sam probably did like Phoebe more than me, and if she didn’t, she probably would soon.

  The horses and riders entered the ring. I tried not to look at Sam, but I couldn’t help it. She was handsome in her Western clothes.

  The class started out slow. The horses walked while each of the ten riders balanced an egg in a spoon. On the second time around the ring, the first rider dropped her egg. “It’s harder than it looks,” Phoebe said. “Sam let me try.”

  Sam had never offered me that chance. Never.

  The announcer called for a trot. Sam and the other riders bobbed in their saddles. It didn’t take long before two more riders dropped their eggs.

  “Lope your horses,” the announcer called. The horses picked up speed. They made it around the ring once, and then three more riders dropped their eggs. Plop, plop, plop.

  “Only four riders left,” Webb said. “I bet Sam will take home another blue ribbon.”

  I hoped so. Sam deserved something good to happen.

  “Reverse,” the announcer called. The riders turned their horses and rode counterclockwise around the ring. I couldn’t stop staring at Sam. She glanced in my direction, and that’s when her egg fell.

  The disappointment on Sam’s face made a noose around my heart and squeezed.

  “Her concentration was off,” Webb said. “Sam was looking in the stands instead of paying attention.”

  It was all my fault.

  “She’ll still get a white ribbon for fourth place,” Phoebe said.

  But Sam hadn’t been practicing all those weeks for fourth place. I didn’t care what happened after that, but we stayed until the class was over. We watched Sam accept the white ribbon, and then the yellow, red, and blue ribbons were handed out.

  “I’m starved,” Webb said. “How about we walk over to Main Street, grab a ham biscuit, and listen to the Battle of the Bands?”

  “You two go ahead,” Phoebe said. “I’m gonna stay and talk to Sam.”

  I followed Webb because I was the last person in the world Sam wanted to see. I had ruined everything.

  The square dancing started at eight o’clock. All of the display tables had been cleared away, and the community center doors were thrown open wide.

  “The music here is always stupendous,” Webb said.

  A tall, mustached man played the banjo, and a pretty woman with long flowing hair played the fiddle.

  “I’m a fan of all genres, from classical to country. If it has a beat, I’ll dance to it,” Webb said. He held out his hand. “Ready?”

  “Not yet. Could we get something to drink first?”

  “Stupendous idea,” Webb said. “I’ll get us some apple cider.”

  That gave me time to look around. Mom was having a deep conversation with Reverend Walker. I could tell by the serious look on her face. Melissa was with her boyfriend again, and Sam’s mom was helping at the refreshments table.

  While I sipped my cider, Webb tapped his foot to the music. Mr. Johnson called, “Pick up your partner, and whirl her around.” I remembered the afternoon I had danced with Sam. We had been so nervous, but it had been perfect.

  The next song was played to the tune of “Skip to My Lou.” I let Webb lead me onto the dance floor. We whirled and twirled, around and around. When the music stopped, I got my first look at Sam. She was dancing with Jonathan, but she wasn’t smiling.

  Between songs,
Phoebe asked me if she could dance with Webb. “I really like to dance, but since I don’t have a date, I could be waiting all night for somebody to ask me.”

  “Sure, go ahead.” She’d actually be doing me a favor, but I kept that part to myself. “Hey, is Sam really upset about finishing fourth?”

  “Not about fourth. She’s mad about not doing her best.”

  I shouldn’t have been staring at Sam, but I couldn’t help it.

  While Phoebe and Webb danced, Mom trudged over.

  “I’m sorry about this morning.”

  I shrugged.

  “You don’t look happy tonight.”

  She had finally looked deeper. I was miserable, but it was hard to find the right words to tell her exactly how miserable. I remembered my conversation with Dwayne. Sam is about my favorite person around here.

  Mine too.

  Then tell your mom that.

  Why did speaking up have to be so hard?

  Mom touched my arm. “To be completely honest, you haven’t looked happy in a while.”

  I had a lump in my throat the size of New Jersey. “Yeah.” Ribbit, ribbit. “I saw you talking to Reverend Walker.”

  “She told me you stopped by this morning. She would never betray your trust, though.”

  I looked past Mom at Sam and Jonathan.

  Mom turned to see what had my attention.

  “You still like her, don’t you?”

  If I answered yes, it would hurt Mom, but if I said no, it would be a lie. Reverend Walker had said God didn’t want me to live a lie. “Being with Sam makes me happy.”

  Mom’s eyes got teary. “It’s okay with me, Allie. Truly. It will just take some getting used to.” She wiped her eyes with her fingers. “Sam’s leaving. You’d better go.”

  “I can’t. I’m here with Webb.”

  “I’ll tell him you had to leave. He and Phoebe make a cute couple.”

  “Really?”

  Mom nodded. “Really. What I want most of all is for you to be happy, Allie. I love you.”

  “I love you too!” And that was the truth. No matter how many times we all messed up, we were still a family: Dad, Mom, Eric, and me. Not even death or divorce could change that.