by Sable, R. J.
Ian stepped outside to take a call on his mobile and Jason helped me put the cream and jam filling on the cake whilst Rick and Danny drooled and Matt put the shiny new kettle on.
In preparation for cake and coffee, we artfully arranged some of our beautifully mismatched dishes on the rather cramped table. We only had six chairs so Adam fetched a spare from his room and I opted to sit on Jason’s knee.
“Wait for Ian,” I cautioned when Danny made a grab for the cake that I’d placed on the table.
He and Rick frowned but they knew I was right. As soon as Ian returned and we were all sat around the very cramped table, the cake disappeared almost instantly.
With my brothers’ food cravings temporarily satisfied, I went to unpack a few things in my room whilst they set up the TV. Removal men and tech support; brothers are awesome.
When I finally came back downstairs, they’d just ordered a pizza and I had to laugh because the day had basically been broken down into food breaks and that was so typical.
“Thanks guys,” I grinned, seeing that they’d got the TV set up and working like a charm.
“You’re welcome,” Matt answered. “I called Karl and got him to sort your TV license out online so you’re all set.”
I smiled appreciatively and sent off a text to Karl to say thank you and get him to give Grace a cuddle from me, not that I thought he needed an excuse. I wondered if Elise was having to battle with him to get five minutes alone with her daughter.
“Jelly,” Ian gestured with his head for me to leave the lounge and come into the hallway with him.
I obliged happily, jumping up from my comfy position on the floor between Jason’s legs. Jason followed me and Ian didn’t seem to mind.
“What’s up?” I asked cautiously, made suspicious by Ian’s look of discomfort and Jason’s hesitancy.
“In your room,” he muttered, already walking up the stairs.
He motioned for me to sit on my bed, a double bed which was a huge improvement on the previous year’s tiny excuse for a single. I sat quietly for a few minutes but neither of them said anything. I thought it was odd that Jason was stood by Ian’s side rather than sitting with me like he usually would.
“Jelly, I’m not okay with you being on your own here in Leeds,” Ian said eventually.
I frowned. What does he expect me to do? I lived in Leeds. My friends and studies were here. I wanted to be here.
“But I know it would be unreasonable to hide you away in Derby,” he added.
Unreasonable is a polite way of putting it, I thought to myself.
“I’ve made arrangements for your safety,” he explained. “And I don’t want to hear a single word out of your mouth about them,” he warned, a menacing flicker of Captain Carter making an appearance.
I could tell he didn’t expect me to like what he was going to say, but I could also tell that he’d made up his mind and he wasn’t easily swayed.
“An old colleague of mine has agreed to keep an eye on you for a while.”
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously because that was quite a vague explanation. “What do you mean keep an eye on me?” I asked, my eyes on the carpeted floor to maintain my temper.
“He’ll stay here for now, if that’s okay with Adam. He’ll accompany you to class and anywhere else you need to go.”
He was assigning me a babysitter? This is ridiculous. I didn’t need some guy following me around. I understood that he was scared for me, I was scared too, but surely I could just be more careful? I’d have Jason with me and I could promise not to go out alone at night and stuff. Why is he doing this?
“Ian, that’s redic-” I started to voice my concerns.
“No, Jelly,” Ian raised his voice. “I don’t want to hear a single word out of your mouth,” he repeated. “This is bigger than you and I don’t give a shit whether you like it or not. It’s happening, so get used to it.”
“It’s for the best, Jamie,” Jason said quietly.
I turned my glare in Jason’s direction because he’d been suspiciously quiet during the whole exchange.
“He’ll be here in ten minutes,” Ian declared, turning his back and leaving us alone in the room.
“He just wants to keep you safe, Jamie,” Jason said gently, coming to sit next to me on the bed now that he no longer needed to maintain a united front against me. “I understand where he’s coming from. I know it’ll be a pain in the ass but it might be worth it for a while.”
My temper was boiling over, but not for the reasons Jason and Ian were expecting it to be.
“When did Ian tell you?” I asked without looking up at him. I doubted he’d lie to me and I didn’t want to look into his eyes and lose my nerve.
“Last week,” Jason replied uncertainly.
I could tell he was caught off guard by my question.
“So, what? You just gave him the okay to do this?” I scowled at the carpet.
“No,” he answered immediately. “We argued over it pretty badly. Honest, baby. I know why you’re upset. I just don’t want anything to happen to you. I can’t lose you again, Jamie.”
“You don’t get why I’m upset, Jason,” I said angrily. “You don’t get to make these decisions for me. I’m not a kid that needs looking after. We’re supposed to be equals.”
Jason remained silent for a while and I still didn’t look up at him because I was too hurt and angry. I hated that he didn’t even consider my feelings when deciding my fate. I appreciated that he wanted me safe, and I understood it, but I hated that he thought he had that power over me.
“You’re being selfish,” he said eventually.
“How can you accuse me of being selfish?” I screamed. “Don’t you get how messed up this is? You’re my boyfriend not my guardian, Jason!”
“I just want you to be safe,” he growled, losing grip on his temper a little. He shoved up from the bed and began pacing the room, running his fingers through his hair.
I was too angry to answer him. He still wasn’t getting it. I knew he wanted me to be safe. That wasn’t the issue.
“I don’t want you treating me like a child,” I said eventually.
“Then maybe you should stop acting like one!” He yelled and with that he was gone. He slammed my bedroom door behind him and I heard him thundering down the stairs and the sound of the front door shutting behind him.
I rolled over on my bed and screamed into my pillow. I cried in anger, then I cried in frustration, then finally I just cried because it had been a tough month to say the least.
I knew I could have handled the argument better but I also knew this wasn’t something I should let slide. I didn’t want it setting a precedent for the rest of my life. I wanted to be an equal partner in the relationship.
My brothers had made the decisions all my life, and whilst I understood that they had a right to make these decisions for the most part, I thought that should change now that I was an adult. They didn’t think I was strong enough to take care of myself and they were going over my head to rectify that. That wasn’t okay with me, not any more.
The more I thought about it, the worse I felt but then I tried imagining whether Ian would have assigned a ‘babysitter’ to the others if the situation was different. I doubted he would have done so with my eldest brothers, but when I thought about what Ian’s reaction would have been if Jake’s life had been in danger, I knew that it would have been the same.
It comforted me somewhat to know that I wasn’t being treated differently than Jake would have been. I wasn’t happy about the idea of being followed around, not by a long shot, but Ian hadn’t fully explained the situation and I figured maybe I should let him explain before I got too upset about it.
I begrudgingly rolled off the bed and wiped my eyes dry with the cuff of my jumper. I knew I probably looked a mess but I was beyond caring. I opened my door quietly and could hear my brothers arguing over who should be the one to come and fetch me down. None of them seemed to want to draw the sh
ort straw. In the safety of the dark hallway of the staircase, I rolled my eyes and made my way down silently.
I sat down on the floor next to the sofa without looking at any of them and played with a piece of wrapping tape that was left on the floor from unboxing the television. My brothers played it off like nothing had happened and went back to eating pizza and making lewd jokes about the Saturday afternoon TV presenters.
The doorbell rang and I didn’t bother getting up. Ian had said his “colleague” would be here soon and I figured he’d get the door so I could carry on sitting on the floor, feeling sorry for myself, and wondering just how much Jason hated me.
“This is Xander,” Ian introduced the guy to my brothers.
I didn’t bother looking up and Rick kicked me gently from his seat on the sofa so I assumed Ian was displeased with my lack of manners. I looked up to see that my assumption was correct based on the daggers Ian was shooting in my direction.
I stiffened, sat up a little straighter, and looked over to the guy stood next to Ian. He was shorter than Ian. I’d put him around six foot. So not so much short, just shorter than the men of my family. He was broad, and his build and posture would probably have given him away as military if Ian hadn’t already said they’d worked together. His head was shaved bald and his features were hardened and cool. I couldn’t see his eyes because he was shaking hands with my brothers.
“This is Jelly,” Ian motioned in my direction as Xander approached me.
He stuck his hand out and I took it. His hand was hard and calloused but his handshake was surprisingly gentle. I looked up to meet his eyes, expecting them to be cold like the exterior that he was presenting. Instead, his eyes were a warm shade of chocolate brown and smiled in contrast to the firm expression on his face. I found myself embarrassed for my previous rudeness and blushed, dropping my eyes to the floor again.
I kept my eyes down whilst my brothers chatted about random crap with Xander. We’d never met anyone Ian worked with before and I suspected they all had as many questions as I did. When it became obvious that they couldn’t keep up the idle chitchat, everyone sort of fell silent.
“Ground rules,” Ian said after the silence got too awkward.
I knew he was talking to me so I raised my eyes to see he’d already gone into solider mode.
“You don’t leave the house without Xander. You give him your schedule and you will ring him if anything changes. You will wait for him after every lecture. If he says something’s not safe, then you don’t do it. Understood?”
I clenched my teeth. He’s trying to keep me safe. I knew it was true but I hated the familiar ease with which he dictated my life.
“Understood?” He repeated again, a little louder.
“Yes, sir,” I mumbled quietly, dropping my eyes to the floor once more so I wasn’t tempted to answer back and cause an argument.
“Adam, I’d appreciate it if you could stay off social media for a while,” he turned his attention to a confounded looking Adam.
“Uh, sure, I guess. How come?”
“You might accidentally reveal Jelly’s location, or the fact that she’s home alone. It’s better to stay away from that for now,” Ian explained.
I gritted my teeth again because Ian was extending his control over Adam as well and it just didn’t seem fair.
“Questions?” Ian challenged.
I knew he wasn’t expecting us to have any but I did have questions and I was too miserable thinking about Jason to worry about the consequences of pissing him off.
“How long for?” I asked stubbornly.
I glanced up and saw Ian’s jaw tense as he glanced over at Xander.
“Not sure,” Xander said, his voice gentler than it had been earlier. “No way of knowing.”
I frowned at his cryptic response and glanced up at Ian who appeared to be chewing something over.
“I’m going away tomorrow,” Ian said eventually. “Once I get back, things will hopefully be a bit more stable.”
“Tomorrow?” Matt asked incredulously. “Don’t you usually get a bit more warning.”
“We’ve moved it forwards because of everything that’s happened. It’s better this way. If everything goes to plan then we can eliminate whatever threat there is,” Ian said. This time it was obvious in his tone that any questions would be very unwelcome so we all just nodded.
“Xander’s a good guy,” Ian smirked a little. “Don’t piss him off too much, Jelly.”
I scowled but didn’t answer. I didn’t trust myself not to say anything to annoy him. My mind was a maelstrom of emotion and I didn’t know how to handle it. Jason hated me, I was getting a babysitter, and Ian was going away.
I hated it when Ian went away. He hadn’t been away for a good while and, over the past few years, his trips had become much more sporadic. Before, we could at least guess that he’d be away from between three to six months, but now it could be anything from a week to eight months and we very rarely heard from him during that time. It was horrible waking up every day and not knowing if he was okay, if he was safe, if he was even alive.
I felt tears gathering in my eyes and Ian, being Ian, noticed at once and took me out into the kitchen. He sat me in his lap on a kitchen chair and hugged me tight to his chest. I was instantly transported to my childhood as he rocked me gently. I didn’t draw the same soothing calm from Ian as I did from Jason, but it was something at least. Thinking about Jason just made me sob harder and Ian squeezed me a little tighter.
“Talk to me, Jellybean,” Ian said gently once I stopped crying quite so much.
I shook my head and clung to him a little tighter.
“I know this isn’t easy for you, Jelly, but it’s for the best,” he tried to reassure me.
“I don’t want you to go,” I pleaded pathetically after a while.
“You’re sad because I’m leaving?” He asked in surprise.
I nodded and sniffled slightly.
“I’ll be fine, sis,” he reassured me with a renewed gentleness in his voice. “I always come back, you know that.”
I nodded glumly because he did, but he couldn’t promise that he always would.
“I thought you might be sad about Jason,” he said questioningly.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I retorted bluntly, clamping my jaw firmly shut and deciding I wasn’t going to speak another word on the subject. My love life was not something I wanted to discuss with my brothers.
“You want ape shit on him for no reason, Jelly.”
I scowled and tried to force myself up off his lap but he held me in place. Knowing I wouldn’t win a battle of strength with him I just crossed my arms and sulked like a six year old.
“Are you going to talk to me?” He demanded.
I let my silence speak for me.
“Fine,” he growled, standing up suddenly and almost sending me flying onto the floor. He caught my arm and helped me regain my balance. “I have to go,” he said, moving to the door without looking back at me. “If you have questions, talk to Xander.”
“Ian, wait,” I pleaded. “I don’t want you to leave like this.”
He was going away, most likely to do something dangerous. I didn’t want our last words to be hostile. I heard him sigh before turning around.
“I’m sorry,” I apologised immediately when he opened his arms to me and let me hug him again. “I know the last thing you need when you’re away is to be worrying about me. I’ll behave, I promise.” I must have made this promise to him a dozen times before. I hoped he knew that I really would do my best not to cause him to worry.
“I know,” he said, returning my hug. “I just need to know you’re safe while I’m gone. I love you, Jelly.”
“I love you too,” I whispered back, happy to hear the words that came so rarely from my big brother’s lips, even though I never doubted his love for me or my brothers.
“I’m off, who’s coming back with me?” He announced once I’d followed him bac
k into the lounge.
Matt stood up and nodded, it looked like Craig was about to say something too but he obviously changed his mind when he heard Matt’s decision.
“We might stay in Bradford tonight,” Rick explained, glancing at Craig.
Craig nodded and stood up as well. The twins gave Ian a clap on the back but didn’t speak. Ian understood. We were all familiar with the awkward goodbyes every time he or Karl went away.
I hugged Ian, Matt, and Craig once more and thanked them for everything they’d done today. I hugged Ian for a few seconds extra and hoped he understood my silent plea that he return home in one piece. Ian rubbed my back gently before releasing me. He exchanged a few quite words with Xander before he left and then they were gone.
I was sort of glad the twins stayed because I still hadn’t really spoken with Xander and things were going to get awkward between me and my new babysitter once we were alone with Adam. I was still gutted about Jason and knew I was bound to be rubbish company if anybody tried to talk to me.
“Cheer up, Jellybean,” Danny encouraged. “How about we eat ice cream and watch ‘A Bug’s Life’ on the sofa?”
I smiled meekly, realising that they’d stayed to try and cheer me up. “I’m not really hungry,” I admitted.
“No, but we are,” Rick grinned, already on his way to raid the freezer.
I rolled my eyes before noticing Xander still stood by the door. It occurred to me that we hadn’t actually discussed where he was staying.
“You mind watching an animated film?” I asked him, hoping he’d take it as an invitation to join us. I wasn’t happy with the situation but it wasn’t his fault.
He shrugged and sat down on the end of the sofa in the corner of the room. Great, I sighed inwardly. He doesn’t talk much. The two of us were going to have to get used to awkward silences.
“I’m sure you could stay here if it’s okay with Adam,” I offered, my polite conversation running dry.
“Yeah,” Adam nodded. “Might as well use one of the spare rooms. Bradley and Eric won’t be back for a while.”