by Sable, R. J.
“Sorry,” I smiled fondly. He’d never be able to pull back the big brother syndrome.
“No you’re not,” Ian sighed. “But that’s okay, at least you’re happy.”
“I am.” And I was.
Xander led the way up the pathway to the front door of Jason and Josh’s flat but stopped dead in his tracks and held his hand up for us to stop.
I frowned up at him before noticing that all three of the guys had stiffened. The door to the flat stood ajar with splinters of wood hanging from the frame and littering the ground.
In identical movements, Ian and Xander pulled handguns from inside their jackets. My brain shut down for a few seconds. I wasn’t stupid, I knew Ian used firearms in his line of work but his work life was so separate from his private life that I never expected him to be carrying. That, and the fact that weapons licenses were almost impossible to get in the UK, had my brain short-circuiting.
Ian motioned with some quick hand gestures for Xander to go in first before turning to face Jason.
“Stay with Jelly,” he mouthed before turning back to nod at Xander that he had his back.
“Ian, no!” I whispered as loudly as I dared. They shouldn’t be going in, they should be calling the police like normal people do.
Ian brought his finger to his lips and shot a scowl in my direction before signing that everything would be okay and continuing into the flat.
My body trembled in fear as I watched my big brother disappear into danger unknown. Could the world be that cruel? He’d only just come back from God knows what hell hole, risking his life for home and country, only to jump right back into danger on his return.
I knew my brother. I knew his need to protect people was part of who he was but the fact that he was doing so under the current circumstances made me want to scream with anger and fear.
The warm safety of Jason’s embrace enveloped me and absorbed some of the shakes that rocked through me. Each second dragged as I strained my ears to pick up any sounds to indicate what was happening behind the damaged door.
I barely blinked as I stared at it, waiting for a sign that Ian and Xander were okay. I didn’t have to wait too long because Xander burst past me, pushing us to the side as he vaulted over the small brick wall separating the building from its terraced partner. He proceeded to climb over what must have been a six foot chain link fence with feline agility before continuing his sprint down the alleyway that led to the street that Jason’s flat backed onto.
Where is he going? I wondered before drawing my attention back to the flat as Ian’s voice called out from within.
“All clear.”
Jason took my by the hand, squeezing reassuringly despite the slight frown I was sure he was trying to hide from me. In my haste to consider my brother’s safety, I’d neglected to consider how Jason must have been feeling to find his home invaded by culprits unknown. I felt worse when we met Ian in the hallway leading to the bedrooms, squatting over an unconscious Josh.
“Oh my God, is he okay?” I blurted, falling to my knees at Josh’s side.
“He’s unconscious,” Ian answered curtly, motioning to two small burn marks on the back of his neck. “We’ll call for an ambulance-”
He was interrupted by a groan from Josh as he groggily shook himself back to consciousness. An uncomfortable tension released in my stomach at the sound of the “What the fuck?” groan which accompanied his return to the living.
Xander returned shortly with the stoniest face I’d ever seen him wearing. He shook his head in exasperation as Ian looked at him expectantly. He’d apparently taken chase after they’d seen a person in a black hoody making a run for it through they backyard after having smashed his way through the bathroom window.
“Jumped in a plateless car,” Xander growled. “Red Vauxhall Vectra. I’d guess 1995.”
Josh and Jason’s rooms had both been completely trashed. Jason’s seemed to have taken a worse hit. His drawers had been tossed and clothes lay strewn across the floor. The most tragic thing in the room was the frame that held a picture of Jason and Ben with their arms around each other after a particularly muddy football game during their teenage years. It had been removed from pride of place in the middle of Jason’s desk and lay on the floor with the glass smashed to pieces.
Panic took hold of my gut as I saw the empty place usually occupied by Jason’s laptop but then I remembered he’d left it at my flat. That laptop contained everything for his doctoral thesis. I was sure he had back-ups but I bet it would have caused major problems for him and I knew how much his degree meant to him. My renewable energy geek. Despite the chaos, I smiled inwardly at the memory of my Granddad calling Jason a geek.
The police arrived not long after, whilst I was still fussing over Josh, much to his embarrassment. He was fine aside from being a little pissed off that somebody had gotten the jump on him. He’d been at his girlfriend’s house and nipped back to pick up his guitar. He’d noticed the door was broken but hadn’t stopped to consider the possibility that the thief might still have been in the building.
The two officers who’d arrived both straightened somewhat when Ian flashed some sort of I.D. from his wallet. I figured it was something related to his job, the nuances of which I still hadn’t come to terms with. However, seeing him in action with his weapon out had made it seem much more real and much more terrifying.
“I’d put him at 5’ 10”. 180lbs. He was wearing navy Adidas tracksuit bottoms, a black hoody with no obvious markings, and white Puma trainers. He had leather gloves on,” Ian informed the officers as they politely bombarded him, Xander, and Josh with questions.
Josh hadn’t seen anything and neither of the gun-wielding, macho men had been able to see much apart from the back of the guys body with his hood up.
Xander’s description of the car was as detailed as Ian’s and I couldn’t help but be impressed with how much they’d noticed in such a small amount of time. If I closed my eyes, I’d have to make a considerable effort just to remember what colour clothes I was wearing.
“Lights on the back right were smashed up. Passenger side door had been broken into, didn’t shut properly. Manual transmission. No plates.” Xander finished his summary.
As far as Josh and Jason could tell, nothing had actually been taken. Josh probably disturbed the guy initially and then Ian and Xander interrupted before any real damage could be done. Considering the amount of tech the two of them had between them – from games consoles, to electric guitars – they both figured they’d been pretty lucky. Hyde Park was a predominantly student, low-income area. Burglary was not at all uncommon and they had good home insurance so the two of them actually seemed pretty happy about the outcome, the damage to Josh’s neck and ego aside.
The moment the police left, the fury I’d been tamping down burst from me. I whirled around and threw myself at Ian, smashing my fists against his chest in a rain of angry blows. I made sure a few of them caught Xander as well. Idiots. I couldn’t believe what they’d done.
“Jelly, what the fuck are you doing?” Ian half-laughed, half-snapped, taking a step back and raising his palms up to me.
Although I was surprised by Ian’s placating response, it wasn’t enough. I took a step closer and continued my assault on his torso. Through my tears of anger and relief I could see the vague look of confusion on Ian’s face as he wrapped his arms around me, effectively stopping my blows by trapping my arms between us.
With my arms restrained and his heart most definitely beating against me, I let the tears run freely.
“What the hell were you thinking?” I bawled against his chest. “You could have been killed!”
Ian tilted his head down to meet my gaze and gawked back at me. If I hadn’t wanted to beat the crap out of him, I would have been amused at the sight of my normally verbose brother rendered speechless.
“You should have called the police!” I shouted through my sniffles before he had chance to regain his voice. “It’s their jo
b to go chasing after bad guys. You could have died, Ian.”
He kept his arms around me and held me tight to his chest, letting me sob out the rest of my fear and frustration. “Are you finished now?” He smirked.
“No,” I snapped. “Why have you got a gun? Don’t you know how dangerous that is. You shouldn’t be-”
“Enough, Jelly,” Ian cut me off with his stern, soldier voice.
I clamped my mouth shut and glared at him as he released me. He sat on the sofa and gestured for me to sit next to him. I did so grudgingly, making sure there was a fair amount of space between us.
Doesn’t he understand? It was bad enough knowing that he put his life on the line in his job. We didn’t need him doing it when he was off duty. We’d lost both parents, we couldn’t lose Ian as well. I couldn’t lose any of them. They were my family, warts and all, I loved them.
“Jelly, Xander and I have more training between the two of us than the entire West Yorkshire police force combined. What could they have done that we couldn’t?” He stared at me, demanding an answer.
I didn’t give a reply because I didn’t have one. My best response was that it would have been somebody else’s life in danger and I knew Ian would never want somebody risking themself for him unless absolutely necessary.
“I have a gun because I always carry one, Jelly. I know what I’m doing. I have a firearms certificate and everything’s above board.”
I glared at him because I didn’t have a comeback. I was still angry at him and my reasons for being so seemed to be slipping away against my will.
“You’re a violent little thing, you know that?” Ian chuckled, pulling me into a strong hug.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed in defeat after a few seconds of battling with myself. “You scared me.”
“Don’t worry, Jellybean. I’m bulletproof,” he grinned a cocky grin.
“You’re not bulletproof, Ian,” I sniffled, placing my hand on his chest where I knew his scar was. The only kind of bulletproof Ian was, was proof that he’d had a bullet go through him.
“I’m still breathing, Jellybean. That’s one-nil to me.”
I laughed despite myself because his self-assured smirk lightened the mood and took my tension away. He was alive and he’d just been doing what he considered his duty as big brother, and protector of all he deemed precious. I couldn’t really be mad at him for that.
Jason made a few calls to get the insurance company updated and organise somebody to come fix the door and window. We couldn’t leave until they were done so Jason went to fetch fish and chips (minus the fish for me) and Ian set up the DVD player with ‘Gremlins’.
“You still like this one?” He smirked at me.
“Bright light! Bright light!” I responded in my best Gizmo voice.
Ian laughed and even Xander’s eyes lit up with amusement.
“Not quite as good as it sounded when you were a toddler but close enough,” Ian chuckled.
After our late lunch, Xander stood and nodded his head at Ian, exchanging something with their silent glances.
“I’ll be off then,” Xander nodded, turning to face me.
“You’re going?” My smile dropped.
He nodded and grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair.
“Like, proper going?”
He nodded again and I pouted.
“Um…” I started, not sure what to say.
Xander smirked, probably amused at my ‘um’. I couldn’t think of a snarky response to his smirk so instead I just wrapped my arms around him in a super tight hug. His sarcastic smirks and minimalist responses may have been as annoying as hell but I knew that he had a heart of gold. His actions spoke louder than his lack of words and I was really going to miss having somebody to verbally spar with.
“Okay, my hug quota is filled,” he grunted gruffly, his eyes twinkling with the kindness hidden between the tough façade. “Who you going to piss off when I’m gone?” The smirk was back.
“I’m pretty sure I’ll find someone,” I glanced at Ian who looked on in amusement.
Xander nodded and made for the door after shaking Jason’s hand.
“Xander?” I called out and he stopped to look back at me. “Thank you. For everything.”
With one more nod, he left through the newly hung door.
Chapter 31
Tuesday, 8th October 2013
“Jelly,” Ian beckoned me over once we arrived back at my flat.
I didn’t really feel safe sleeping at Jason’s that night and there’d be more room for Ian since Bradley and Eric had both gone home for reading week.
“Come have a chat with me.”
I followed him up to my room, curious as to what he wanted to talk to me about. It occurred to me that I hadn’t really seen any retribution for lashing out at him earlier that evening. I’d basically attacked him and he’d done nothing. He’d just stood there and taken it and the idea of being punished for it made me shiver slightly with fear. I knew he’d promised not to hurt me but I’d not really done anything to test his restraint until now.
“I’m really sorry, Ian,” I blurted out as soon as the bedroom door closed behind us and we were alone.
“What are you sorry for, Jellybean?” He studied me quizzically.
“For hurting you,” I mumbled, eyes locked on my feet. If he tried to hurt me, I wasn’t going to take it but I’d attacked him and the least I could do was be contrite and respectful.
Ian took a step closer and I resisted the urge to take one back. He took my chin between his thumb and forefinger and forced me to meet his gaze.
“You don’t have to be sorry, Jelly. You were scared and upset. I get it,” he smiled kindly, chucking me under the chin. “And the notion of you hurting me is kind of hilarious.” His cocky smirk had me laughing again and I relaxed as I realised he wasn’t mad at me.
“What did you want to talk to me about then?” I asked, sitting down next to him on the bed when he motioned for me to do so.
“I had a lot of time to think while I was away,” he started, looking straight to the door opposite us. “And I need to apologise again.”
“Why?” I frowned.
“Because I haven’t done it enough. I never will.”
“Ian, I-”
“Quiet,” he shook his head, dismissing my protests. “You’re my baby sister and I love you. I’ve let you down. Let all of you down. I’m going to make it up to you, I swear.
I fucking hated seeing you with Jason at first. It’s still not a walk in the park. To me, you’ll always be that little kid who tried really hard not to show how scared she was when she watched Scooby Doo.”
I chuckled at the knowledge that I’d never really fooled my big brother but my heart weighed heavy knowing that Ian didn’t understand that he was well and truly forgiven.
“I owe Jason though. Because it took seeing the way he treats you for me to realise how badly we treated you. I see the way you light up when he makes you smile. It kills me that I’d not seen that light in your eyes for so many years before. I was so focussed on keeping you safe and alive that I didn’t let you really live. I realise now that I treated you differently because you were all I had left of Mum and I couldn’t have handled it if something happened to you.
I never ever wanted you hurt you. The thought makes me sick. But I know I’ve hurt you in more ways than one. I’m not asking for you to forgive me, Jelly. I don’t want that. I want you to know that I’m going to make it right. I swear.”
I could see the sincerity in his face. I knew he meant every word. Ian had only raised his hand to me a handful of times in his life and I’d hit him way more times than that only a few hours previously. Every time he’d done it, I’d seen the confusion and pain in his face.
In all reality, he was a confused young man forced into an unpleasant situation and a backbreaking load of responsibility and he’d handled it the only way he knew how. Threats and military discipline had worked fine with most of
my brothers, most of the time, because they mostly gave as good as they got. I’d never stood a chance though. I understood that now. Part of me always thought I deserved it and even if I hadn’t, I’d never been physically matched to them.
“Ian. You don’t need to make anything right with me,” I said seriously. “I wasn’t the only one affected by the way things sometimes were at home. This family has been hurting for nineteen years but I think we’re starting to heal now. We never would have had the opportunity without what you did for us. We cracked but we never broke beyond repair because you held us together.
We’re all adults now, we’re still going to make mistakes, we’re human. I know you’ll keep us in line if things get really bad but remember that we need you as a brother more than we need you as a platoon leader, Ian.”
“Platoon leader?” He grumbled. “Wrong military, Jelly.”
“You know what I mean,” I grinned. I knew he was just avoiding the reality of what I’d said with his grumbling but I also knew he’d heard me. Ian rarely missed anything. I just hoped he would take my words to heart. The way things used to be had kept me from being myself for so long and I didn’t want that to be true for the others as well.
“You’re a good kid,” he grinned after a while. “Must have done something right at least.”
“Allowing me chocolate cereal on weekends, I reckon,” I smirked, grinning as he visibly relaxed.
“That was Mum’s rule, not mine,” he sobered and then chuckled as his eyes glazed over with visions of the past. “Me and Karl snuck a box of Coco Pops into our room when we were kids and we had to share it with Craig because he found us. Would have gotten away with it as well if we’d thought to wipe the evidence off his hands.”
I laughed with bittersweet amusement. It was always hard for me to imagine Ian as a kid because, even as a teenager, he’d always been a parent figure to me. It was even harder to imagine the mother I’d never known. It was because of her I knew that it was possible to love somebody I’d never even met. I loved her for giving me my brothers and for making them into the men they were. I loved her for the way she loved my Dad so thoroughly that he was a shell of himself without her.