This is Living (Living #1.5)

by Melody Dawn

  The mattress depresses and I feel him sit down next to me. He leans closer to me and says, “Open your eyes.”

  Like a child, I squeeze them shut even harder than before. His hand strokes my face and nothing more is said. I know what he’s doing. He’s waiting me out until I can’t stand it anymore: I have to open my eyes.

  I give him what he wants a few seconds later; I’m not good at waiting or wondering as you can see.

  “There you are.”

  His face breaks out into a smile and I wonder what in the hell is he smiling about. Is he that thrilled to get rid of me?

  Wordlessly, I stare back at him…what can I say when I don’t actually know what he is thinking?

  Still caressing my face, he lets me see into his heart. “I don’t want to discuss stressful things with you right after surgery. But, I will say this: I’m not leaving you. I told you I would never leave you, no matter what. You’re my heart and I can’t live without my heart.”

  His words are such a huge contrast to my hurtful ones screamed in anger not too many hours ago. “How can you say that after what I did?”

  “Because as someone told me recently, neither of us are perfect. You have to quit expecting me to be and I have to take you down from the pedestal I placed you on many years ago.”

  My eyes burn from unshed tears because I know exactly what he is saying. It’s hard to admit, but I do put that pressure on us both.

  “Again, I think we need to talk more about this later. You’re in pain and we have a lot to deal with emotionally. I’m going to crawl back into bed with you and we’re going to rest, ok?”

  I want to disagree and continue to talk about everything, but I’m so tired and maybe sleep isn’t such a bad idea after all. As he lays down and wraps himself around me, I give into his warmth and let it lull me into the peaceful sleep I need to heal.

  Chloe drifts in and out of consciousness throughout the night. Between the lumpy mattress, lying on the edge, and her hanging on to me, I don’t sleep at all.

  I think back over our previous conversations and it’s apparent to me that her abandonment issues are back in full force. I’m not sure what has triggered it, but from the grip she has on my shirt and my hand, I know I’m not exaggerating the problem.

  For the most part, Chloe is level-headed, but due to certain issues in her childhood, she still has scars left over from her parent’s emotional abuse. Over the years, I thought my love and devotion would be enough to fix her, but now I’m questioning things. She is miles from the scared closed-off girl I met in college, yet every once in a while I get glimpses of her…like now.

  Slowly, I pull away and grab my phone off of the counter. I know this is not one of those times I can just kiss the pain away. I also know she is going to fight me on this so I call the one person I know will help me convince her of what needs to be done.

  Walking out into the hallway, I hear the phone ring twice until I hear Madison’s voice say, “Hey Dr. McSteamy.”

  Rolling my eyes at her title, I laugh and say, “Connor must be there; I usually don’t get any love unless you’re trying to push his buttons.”

  “Well, you know I have to put him in his place or his big head wouldn’t fit through any of our doorways.”

  I hear Connor grumbling in the background and for a minute, everything feels normal. Until I remember the reason for my phone call.

  “I’m going to need your help with something. Chloe is having some problems and I think she needs to speak to a therapist. I don’t think me suggesting it is going to go over well, so I was hoping you might help me.”

  Madison doesn’t hesitate and says, “I will be there tomorrow. Wait until I get there to mention anything to her. I can recommend the therapist I spoke with and sometimes still do.”

  This is a shock to me…I had no idea that she needed a therapist, but then again, why would I? On the outside, Madison is the happiest person I know. My silence must clue her in that I’m wondering what she’s talking about.

  “I started seeing Dr. Holtzer after Connor and I got together. I have a lot of unresolved issues due to my dad’s infidelity.”

  Immediately, I know what she’s talking about. Her dad was married with a whole other family living a few miles from Madison and her mother. She didn’t find out until she was 16 that his other family existed. I can’t even imagine how that could fuck with a person’s mind.

  “Did she help you,” I ask hopefully?

  “Yes, she did. And she still does. There are days that I fall back into destructive ways of thinking. That’s what Chloe is doing now. Just don’t give up on her.”

  “Don’t worry, I’m not. I won’t ever give up on her,” I answer in a rush.

  “I know you won’t. You love her too much and you have the Reece stubbornness going for you…only in this case, it’s a good thing. You do know that this is going to piss her off, right?”

  “I’m a big boy; I can handle it,” I say with false bravado. Yes, my short little wife scares me sometimes; I’m man enough to admit it.

  “Uh huh, sure you are. We’ll see how that big talking goes over tomorrow.”

  We both laugh and I tell her thanks for talking with me. “I’ll text you tomorrow about what time to get here.”

  “All right, McSteamy, see you tomorrow.”

  Laughing I say, “You watch way too much TV.”

  “Well, what else can I do…I’m stuck here all day with your brother’s spawn, thanks to his super sperm!”

  I’m not touching that with a ten foot pole so I say, “Uh well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  This gets the biggest laugh yet…she lives to make me uncomfortable and talking about Connor’s “super sperm” will do it every time.

  Hanging up the phone, I turn to walk back into Chloe’s room when I feel someone lightly touch my arm. My eyes hone in on a hand with blood red nails holding on to my arm and I jerk my head up to see the owner of the hand. It’s Melissa from the ER…what the hell is she doing here?

  Right away I’m reminded of Tanya’s words when she said Melissa was on the prowl for a doctor husband. Well newsflash, bitch, it’s not going to be me.

  I move back from her, dislodging her hand, and a flash of hurt comes across her face. I don’t acknowledge it at all. Instead I try to keep a calm professional look on my face as she says, “Hello Jayson, it’s been a while.”

  Although I hate being rude to my colleagues, she is really pushing it. “It’s Dr. Reece and it hasn’t been that long. I’m in and out of the ER all the time with my patients.”

  “Oh, I know. It’s just not the same with you not being there every day. You kind of make the scenery a whole lot better, if you know what I mean,” she says with a giggle. A fucking giggle? How old is this woman anyway?

  “Do you need anything else? I need to get back to my wife.”

  A look of annoyance settles on her face and she says, “Oh yeah, I heard you talking about her a few minutes ago.”

  I think maybe that I didn’t hear her right, but looking at her face, I know I did. “Did you just listen in on my phone conversation,” I ask in a heated tone?

  I’m starting to lose patience with this bitch. Opening my mouth to shut her down, I decide to see just how far she is going to take this…you know the old saying: “Give someone enough rope and they will hang themselves.”

  In a sickly sweet voice, she says, “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to listen in. You seem upset and I want to help if I can.”

  “I appreciate that, Melissa, but Chloe is doing well. Still, I need to get back in there with her.”

  Her next words bring on a rage that I haven’t felt in a very long time…not since Alyssa from college. “It didn’t sound like Chloe is doing all that well if she needs a therapist.”

  Using all the self-control I possess, I answer with a growl. “My wife’s condition is none of your concern. She is suffering from the loss of our baby, not that it is any of your business.”

  Wit
h a toss of her hair, she moves closer to me. “All I’m saying is that she sounds like she has some issues and losing a child might push her over the edge. You need someone that is strong by your side and one that can carry a baby to term if it’s a family you’re wanting…I’ve had three, you know.”

  Through my almost incapacitation from anger, I hear a whimper coming from Chloe’s room. Shit! She doesn’t need this right now. Running my hands through my hair, I pray for God to give me control to keep from laying this woman out.

  Out of all of the things that Chloe needs to be shielded from, this is the worst. When I don’t answer immediately, Melissa takes it that I’m agreeing with her.

  “All you have to do is say the word and I will do anything I can to help…anything.” Her last words leave her staring at my crotch.

  If she thinks she’s getting a reaction from that region, she’s crazier than I thought. If anything, I can feel my dick and balls shrivel up and try to disappear inside my body.

  Flashing her a smile that she would know meant I’m getting ready to annihilate her, if she knew me at all, gives her the courage to take another step even closer.

  “So, you want to help me, Melissa? Is that right? You think sucking my dick is going to make up for the loss of my child and the pain my wife is going through?”

  She blinks at me in confusion because the smile on my face and my words decidedly do not match.

  “Uh no, that’s not what I meant. I thought I could comfort you.”

  With a glare, I continue. ‘Do not ever speak my wife’s name or refer to anything that has to do with her again. If you disregard this warning and I find out, I’m turning you into hospital administration.”

  She rolls her eyes and says, “Like you could prove anything anyway.”

  Not taking my eyes from her face, I pull out my cell phone and hit play. Her words are plainly heard in the hallway as it echoes off of the walls.

  “Furthermore, I am happily married and no one, especially you, is going to screw that up. I’m not sure what your game is, but take me off of your hunting list. I’m not the doctor that’s going to fuck you and then leave my wife for you. There’s plenty of other men in this hospital that will take you up on your offer. So go find one of them.”

  We stand there for a moment, neither of us saying anything, and I hope I’m getting through to her. Either way, I have to get inside and repair the damage of what Chloe just heard.

  The last thing I say to her is for Chloe as much as it is for Melissa. “The woman you so callously put down during a terrible time of loss is the strongest person I’ve ever met. I’m honored to have her as my wife and if she never gives me another baby, I’ll still die a happy man as long as she’s with me. I’m done with this conversation and I’m done with you. If you see me in the hallway, look the other direction because I’ll be doing the same. If you don’t, I’m turning you in for unprofessional conduct and HIPPA violations.”

  Without another look, I leave her standing there. I don’t care where she goes or what she says to anyone as long as she is gone the next time I step out of this door.

  Not knowing what I’m going to encounter, I steel myself before seeing Chloe. She’s sitting up in bed grinning at me and I can’t help but smile back. Again, I’ve underestimated her and how strong she really is.

  I make my way over to the side of the bed and take a seat. I don’t have time to say anything before she takes the lead.

  “So, that was a pretty great verbal asskicking, Dr. Reece. I think in any other situation, I might be a bit turned on.” She says this all while trying not to laugh, but I can see the gratefulness in her eyes.

  Leaning over, I kiss her with all the love I can put into it. “I meant every word; you’re worth everything to me. Don’t forget that.”

  I lie back carefully and wrap my arms around her. The silence is comfortable and I feel her relaxing into me. Before she falls asleep, I feel her squeeze my hand and say, “You’re my everything, Jayson.”

  I smile into the darkness and answer teasingly, “Did you charge up your credit card again?”

  An unlady like snort and a smack on the arm along with calling me an “ass” is her response.

  “You’re mine, too, baby…don’t ever forget it.” Another squeeze lets me know she heard me and I fall asleep with a lighter heart than I’ve had in a while with the knowledge we might be ok after all.

  It’s the day after my surgery and I’m ready to go home. I miss my boys and this bed as well as the food leaves a lot to be desired. I’m hoping I can get my doctor to agree to discharge me.

  My door opens, but instead of my nurse or doctor, it’s Madison….and someone I don’t know. She looks to be somewhere in her mid-40’s and she’s wearing some kickass shoes. Never let it be said that I miss a nice pair of heels.

  Madison is in her usual form today, which makes me feel better. I hate being treated fragilely like I’m going to break apart at the drop of a hat.

  “Hey hooker, you look like ass.”

  Yep, see, she’s the same old Madison.

  I expect for the lady with her to be shocked, but she laughs along with the two of us. Obviously, they know each other well enough for her to get Maddie’s humor.

  “Shut it, you’re just jealous I can rock a hospital gown better than you.”

  I get the finger and then she leans down to hug me. In a quiet voice, she says, “I’m sorry, honey.”

  That’s all it took. I was doing so well. The tears come hard and fast and I stare down at my hands willing them to stop. God knows I’ve cried enough in front of Madison, but it’s embarrassing to do it in front of a stranger.

  When I’m sure the tears are gone, I try to smile at them both, but it’s short lived. I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to be ok…evidently I was wrong.

  Madison closes the door to my room and she and her friend pull up chairs close to my bed. The next thing out of Madison’s mouth shocks the crap out of me.

  “Chloe, this is Dr. Judith Holtzer. She’s a friend of mine as well as my therapist.”

  I turn to say hello to Dr. Holtzer, but instead I blurt out, “You have a therapist? Since when? And why?” Wow Chloe, that wasn’t awkward at all.

  “I’ve been seeing her for several years. I started after Connor and I got together. I knew the shit with my dad was having an effect on me and my ability to have a relationship. I still see her from time to time when issues crop up or when Connor is being a jerk.”

  Dr. Holtzer grins and clears her throat at this statement. Madison rolls her eyes and says, “Ok, sometimes I’m the jerk. He has spoken with her as well.”

  I feel my eyes bug out of my head. Connor Reece has seen a therapist? Am I in some kind of alternate universe right now?

  Maddie sees the shocked look on my face and says, “I can be a bit difficult sometimes. It’s either he sees her and talks it out or we get a divorce.”

  Looking over at Dr. Holtzer, she laughs and says, “She’s actually saved us a few times by kicking both of our asses.”

  I’m shocked, but then I’m not, those two can get out of hand if they’re really in a fight over something. Madison knows just how to push his buttons and Connor falls for it every time.

  It’s nice to meet her and all, but why is she here?

  “Did you have a session today or something?”

  Madison sees the questions in my eyes and says, “Actually, Jayson called last night and I mentioned Dr. Holtzer to him. We thought it might be good for her to talk to you and maybe to you both.”

  I feel my eyes narrowing and I ask, “So, you two thought it would be good to bring a therapist up here to see me without asking if I would like to see one? Is that why he has conveniently disappeared this morning…so he’s out of the line of fire?”

  Madison narrows her eyes right back at me and says, “No, he was trying to help you and I suggested someone who would be good for the job.”

  I want to scream at the top of my
lungs for them both to get out and Maddie knows it. I hate being blindsided like this…something else she knows as well as Jayson.

  Since I don’t want to look like an ungrateful bitch, I keep my mouth shut. Although, I’m pretty sure that they can feel the temperature in the room drop to zero degrees. I am so kicking her ass once I’m healed from this surgery and Jayson can expect a long freeze out in more ways than one.

  The door opens while Madison and I are in a glaring war and Benedict Arnold Reece walks in. Immediately, he sees the look on my face and doesn’t come any closer to the bed. I kind of want to laugh; what does he think I’m going to do to him?

  “Hi honey, the therapist you called is here. Have you met her yet?” My tone is sarcastically sweet and it’s not lost on him at all.

  Dr. Holtzer smothers a laugh and I try to keep a straight face. He looks scared to death. If I wasn’t so mad at him, I would crack up laughing.

  Madison stands and says, “Ok, I got her here and Chloe hasn’t kicked her out yet, you’re on your own now, McSteamy.”

  Now I’m really trying not to laugh. He hates that nickname as much as he hates the show, Grey’s Anatomy that we used to watch in college. Dr. Holtzer is not hiding her laughter anymore. What can I say…we’re a crazy family.

  Madison comes over and hugs me and whispers, “Be nice to him and to her. Or I’m coming after you when you’re well.” Then she hugs me tighter and says, “I love you; I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I huff to myself, “bitch.” She knows I can’t be mad when she pulls the “I love you card.”

  Something she knows full well when she winks at me and says, “Ok, play nice, boys and girls.” Then she sweeps out of the room like she’s in a pageant doing the winner’s wave.

  We all watch her leave and then dissolve into laughter, which breaks the ice in the room.

  Dr. Holtzer quickly grasps the moment and asks Jayson to take a seat. She doesn’t pull any punches…instead she looks right at me and says, “I understand you’re angry at feeling like this was decided for you. You have the right to feel that way; I’m not discounting that. All I’m asking is that you keep an open mind and also take into consideration that your husband is worried about you and has your best interests at heart. I think you know that anyway.”