Captain Codswallop and the Flying Kipper

by Michael Cox

  ‘Beep, beep, beeeeep!’ went Ginger Hale.

  ‘Left hand down a bit. Right hand up a bit!’ called Norris. ‘No, not you, Ginger. I’m talking to the captain!’

  But Norris was wasting his time. What with all the excitement from the previous day and the sleepless night that had followed the theft of the Grumpy Roger, Captain Codswallop was utterly pooped. And more to the point he wasn’t doing his duty by standing at the tiller and attempting to steer the Flying Kipper through the treacherous fog banks. Instead, he was fast asleep, curled up in a ball on the deck with his thumb in his mouth, chuckling to himself and grinning like an idiot as he dreamed of piratical adventures past.

  In fact, Captain Codswallop was in such a deep and peaceful sleep that he hadn’t even noticed when a gentle breeze had sprung up about twenty minutes earlier and begun to push the Flying Kipper further out into the English Channel. But the crew certainly had! With a cry of, ‘Thank goodness for that!’ they’d instantly clambered back on board and quickly got themselves warm and dry again by running around the deck a couple of times and then wrapping themselves in blankets. And they, too, were now fast asleep in their hammocks. The only two people who had managed to stay awake were Norris and Ginger.

  As Ginger continued to beep happily, Norris was doing his best to stay alert and work out where they actually were, despite being just as tired as everyone else. From what he could gather, he guessed they were still somewhere quite near the south coast of England. However, in spite of the breeze, the fog was as thick as ever, so he couldn’t be absolutely certain. All he knew was that their chances of ever seeing the Grumpy Roger again were getting less by the second.

  But then, just as he was gently shaking Captain Codswallop by the shoulder and attempting to wake him for the third time, the fog lifted slightly. Peering through the thinning murk, Norris saw something that made his heart race and his pulse throb! Looming up out of the gloom was a large ship-shaped silhouette! And it was heading straight for the Flying Kipper!

  ‘Ship ahoy!’ yelled Norris, giving his captain one last almighty shake. ‘Wake up, cap’n! Wake up!’

  Captain Codswallop twitched twice, then leapt to his feet and began running around the deck like a headless chicken, yelling, ‘No problem, Norris. I’ve got everything completely under control. Now, where did I put that blithering tiller?’

  But it was too late. A moment later there was a sickening crunch and the two ships collided.

  ‘Beep … beep?’ said Ginger Hale.

  ‘Juddering jellyfish!’ roared Captain Codswallop. ‘What on ocean is going on?’

  ‘We’ve crashed,’ said Norris.

  ‘Crashed?’ cried Captain Codswallop. ‘How could we have crashed? I’ve been at the tiller all the time!’ Then he peered into the gloom and shouted, ‘Ahoy, you over there, you’ve just crashed into our blinking boat!’

  ‘Sorry about that,’ replied a strange voice through the fog. ‘It’s this pea soup. I can’t see a thing in it.’

  ‘You shouldn’t be eating pea soup at a time like this!’ yelled Captain Codswallop. ‘You should be watching where you’re going. Just like I was!’

  ‘I was watching where I was going!’ replied the voice. ‘I was talking about the fog. It’s like pea soup. You know … thick!’

  ‘Don’t you call me thick!’ shouted Captain Codswallop. ‘Or I’ll come over there and box your ears!’

  ‘You obviously haven’t the foggiest what I’m talking about!’ said the voice.

  ‘You can say that again!’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘I’m completely mystified. Anyway, where are you going?’

  ‘We’re looking for Oxfordshire,’ said the voice. ‘You haven’t seen it, have you?’

  ‘No, we haven’t,’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘We’re busy looking for our ship, the Grumpy Roger. Some scoundrels stole it while we were in a pub in Old London Town. I mean, what’s the world coming to when a bunch of hard-working pirates can’t leave their ship unattended for a few minutes without someone trying to nick it?’

  ‘Don’t blame me!’ said another voice. ‘It wasn’t my idea!’

  ‘Shut up, Nick!’ said the first voice. ‘He wasn’t talking about you.’

  ‘Anyway,’ continued Captain Codswallop. ‘If those boat thieves knew what we’re going to do with them when we get hold of them, their teeth would knock and their knees would chatter! For starters we’re going to mince their scallops. Really, really slowly. And then we’ll crush their spangles! One at a time! And after that we’ll probably pull off their—’

  ‘Ooer!’ said the second voice. ‘I don’t like the sound of this one bit, Dick. I’ve come over all of a tremble!’

  ‘Here, what’s that jingling noise?’ said Captain Codswallop.

  ‘Keep your knees still, Nick!’ whispered the first voice. ‘And if you can’t stop them knocking, at least take off your spurs! You mustn’t panic! As long as this fog stays down, we’re fine. Ooer, it’s blinking-well lifting!’

  It was true. The fog was lifting and thinning again. And, in just a few more seconds, it had cleared enough for Captain Codswallop and his men to see the battered, green pirate ship, which was rocking gently on the waves just a few metres away from the Flying Kipper.

  ‘By the cringe!’ roared Captain Codswallop, as he caught sight of the Grumpy Roger. ‘There’s my ship!’

  Standing at the tiller of the Grumpy was a tall figure wearing a long, black cape and holding a riding whip. Next to it was a smaller one wearing a black mask and holding its knees. But then the fog fell again and the ship disappeared.

  Captain Codswallop turned to his crew and yelled, ‘Did you just see what I saw?’

  ‘Yes, we did!’ roared the crew. ‘We saw our lovely Grumpy Roger! And the two scoundrels who nicked it!’

  ‘Well, let’s get after them then!’ yelled the captain. ‘Which way did they go?’

  ‘I’m not sure?’ said Ginger Hale. ‘Do you want me to beep?’

  ‘No, of course I don’t want you to beeping-well beep, you daft little beeper! I want you to tell me where my ship is!’

  Once more, the swirling mist lifted slightly and the Grumpy Roger became visible through the gloom.

  ‘Err, there they are, over there,’ shrieked Ginger. ‘Beep! Beep! Beep!’

  ‘Oh, yes, so they are! Well spotted, Ginger!’ yelled Captain Codswallop, after a couple of seconds. ‘After them, lads!’

  As the Flying Kipper drew near the Grumpy Roger again, Captain Codswallop waved his cutlass in the air and yelled, ‘Look lively, you loathsome, lily-livered lickspittles! We’re going to board you. And then we’ll—’

  Captain Codswallop’s sentence was suddenly cut short by a huge explosion. It was closely followed by a terrifying, whistling sound. And a split-second later a cannonball knocked Captain Codswallop’s cutlass right out of his hand and into the sea!

  Chapter Eight

  ‘Lolloping lobsters and lugubrious limpets!’ yelled Captain Codswallop. ‘Where did that come from?’

  But, before anyone could answer, a second explosion rang out and another cannonball dropped into the sea right next to the Flying Kipper.

  ‘Manky mermaids and shuffling sea legs!’ roared the captain. ‘Those blithering boat burglars are shooting at us. Man the guns!’

  ‘We haven’t got any guns,’ said Norris. ‘We’re a fishing boat!’

  ‘Well, man the fish then!’ shouted the captain. ‘Man the nets! Man anything!’

  There was another explosion and a third cannonball whizzed past the captain’s ear, taking one of his gi-normous earrings with it!

  ‘Snivelling sandhoppers!’ he cried. ‘Did you see that? It took the earring right out of my ear!’

  ‘It’s put an eery ringing into my ear!’ said Norris. ‘That explosion was massive. I’d never realised the Grumpy Roger’s guns were so powerful!’

  ‘It’s taken the hearing right out my ear!’ said Ginger. ‘I’m half-deaf now!’

  �
�In that case you’ll be needing this!’ said Norris, and he pushed a fish into Ginger’s ear hole.

  ‘What is it?’ said Ginger.

  ‘A herring aid!’ said Norris.

  There was another explosion.

  ‘Cripes!’ said Norris. ‘That one came from behind us. You know what this means, don’t you, cap’n?’

  ‘Yes!’ yelled Captain Codswallop. ‘It means them there boat thieves are doing some pretty fancy shooting!’

  ‘No, it doesn’t,’ said Norris. ‘It means there’s more than one of them!’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Norris!’ laughed the captain. ‘How on ocean can there be two Grumpy Rogers? I’m the captain! And there’s only one of me, isn’t there?’

  A third cannonball whizzed over their heads. This one came from yet another direction!

  ‘There won’t be for much longer, if you don’t keep your head down!’ yelled Norris. ‘Now do you see what I mean? That cannonball came from over there. So that means there must be at least three of them!’

  ‘Surely they can’t all be Grumpy Rogers?’ said Captain Codswallop.

  ‘No, cap’n! They’re not! But I think I know what’s happened!’ said Norris. ‘Whoever nicked the Grumpy Roger must have joined up with some other ships. Probably the rest of their gang. And now they’re all attacking us!’

  ‘Look, captain!’ yelled Ginger Hale, pointing towards a line of huge ships, which were now partly visible through the swirling fog. ‘None of them are Grumpy Rogers! They’re all far too big!’

  ‘Well, if they aren’t the Grumpy Roger, where can our ship have got to?’ said Captain Codswallop.

  At that moment, something wooden and ship-shaped bumped into the Flying Kipper.

  ‘Oops, sorry about that!’ said a voice. ‘I just can’t see a thing in this fog. We’re looking for Oxfordshire. You haven’t seen it anywhere, have you?’

  ‘It’s them! The ship-nappers!’ cried Captain Codswallop. ‘Don’t let them get away!’

  ‘It’s all right, captain!’ yelled Ginger Hale. ‘I’ve got hold of the Grumpy’s deck rail. They won’t get away so easily this time. Oh no! We’re drifting apart!’

  It was true! The two boats were drifting apart and poor Ginger was now hanging on for dear life!

  ‘Don’t lose your grip, Ginger, you brave little nitwit!’ cried Captain Codswallop.

  ‘It’s his feet, cap’n!’ cried Norris. ‘Look, they’re lifting off the deck!’

  ‘Grab hold of them then, Norris!’ cried the captain. ‘If he stays like that a few seconds longer, I can use him as a bridge to cross over onto my ship. You don’t mind me walking over you, do you, Ginger?’

  ‘Be my guest, captain!’ cried brave Ginger. ‘You can depend on me! I’m as thick as two planks you know. Norris told me so, only the other day!’

  A second later, Captain Codswallop scrambled onto the deck rail and began to edge across Ginger’s back, arms stretched out, balancing like a tightrope walker. But, as the two ships drifted even further apart, the plucky little first mate finally lost his grip on the Grumpy Roger and was left dangling upside down, five metres above the sea. And, just as he did, Captain Codswallop made a dramatic leap to land safely aboard the Grumpy Roger. Or, to be more exact, aboard Nick Turnip.

  ‘Oh, Dick!’ cried Nick. ‘I’ve been hit by an enormous, squidgy cannonball!’

  ‘Less of the squidgy!’ growled Captain Codswallop. Then he looked down at Nick and roared, ‘Anyway, I’ve got you now, you sneaky little ship-shifter!’

  He staggered to his feet, took hold of the terrified highwayman by the scruff of his neck and the seat of his pants, then lifted him high above his head and began to spin him around.

  ‘Now, I’ll show you what us pirates do with boat thieves!’ he roared. ‘We’ll start with a typhoon twizzler! Then I’ll give you a shark’s cuddle!’

  Ignoring his brother’s squeaks of terror, Dick Turnip stepped forwards and held out his hand to Captain Codswallop. ‘How do you do?’ he said, as cool as a sea cucumber. ‘I’m Dick Turnip, the famous highwayman. How nice of you to drop in on us. I do hope you didn’t mind us borrowing your boat. We were rather desperate, you see. Had a bit of a misunderstanding with the queen and her bodyguards. And, of course, we were most definitely intending to return it to you, once we’d put a safe distance between ourselves and our pursuers. By the way, the little chap you’re now smothercating is my slightly less-famous brother. I’ll introduce you properly, if you put him down.’

  All at once there were more explosions and the air was suddenly thick with cannonballs again.

  ‘You tell your pals to stop shooting and I’ll put him down!’ growled Captain Codswallop.

  ‘What pals?’ said Dick.

  ‘Your pals over there, of course!’ said the captain. ‘That lot in those great, big ships.’

  ‘They’re nothing to do with us!’ said Dick. ‘We thought they were with you! They’ve been shooting at us as well, you know!’

  ‘Well, if they’re not with you and they’re not with us, who are they with?’ roared Captain Codswallop.

  ‘They’re with the King of Spain!’ yelled Norris, as he steered the Flying Kipper alongside the Grumpy Roger. ‘Look!’

  Captain Codswallop dropped Nick Turnip on the deck and gazed around him. The sun had just broken through the fog and, for the first time, it was possible to see for more than a few metres. He gasped in astonishment. The Grumpy Roger and the Flying Kipper were completely surrounded by a vast fleet of massive warships. There were dozens and dozens of them stretching all the way to the horizon! And they were all bristling with cannon, while their decks seethed with thousands of soldiers and sailors.

  ‘Well I’ll fry a wooden leg in butter and serve it with a squeeze of lemon!’ cried Captain Codswallop. ‘I’ve never seen anything like this before! There must be hundreds of ships out there!’

  ‘And they’re all flying the Spanish flag,’ said Norris, as he scrambled aboard the Grumpy Roger. ‘We must have sailed in amongst them under cover of the fog!’

  ‘But why have they been shooting at us?’ said the captain. ‘We aren’t at war with Spain? We’re at war with the French!’

  ‘No, the war with the French was at least a fortnight ago,’ said Dick Turnip. ‘Last week we were at war with the Dutch, but this week it’s the Spaniards!’

  ‘He’s right you know, cap’n!’ said Norris. ‘I overheard the landlord talking about it in the Dirty Duck last night. Queen Bess has been sending the King of Spain bananas and he’s been sending her nuts. They’re mad about each other. He wants to show her how tough he is. So that’s probably why this lot are here. Look, the important-looking bloke on the really big boat is waving at us. I think he’s going to say something.’

  Chapter Nine

  ‘Good mornings, Hinglishmens! My name is Don Alfonso De Torremolinos. I ham admireable of the meaty Spinach flea!’ shouted the important-looking man who was standing on the bridge of the biggest Spanish galleon. He had a pointy, black beard and was wearing a big hat with a feather in it.

  ‘Admireable of the meaty Spinach flea?’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘What on ocean is that when it’s at home?’

  ‘He’s saying he’s the admiral of the mighty Spanish fleet, cap’n!’ explained Norris. ‘It’s all those ships you can see over there! They’re the Spanish Armada!’

  ‘I didn’t know you could speak Spanish!’ said the captain.

  ‘I can’t!’ said Norris.

  ‘So this is the famous Hinglish Navvy!’ shouted Admiral Torremolinos, waving his hand scornfully in the direction of the Flying Kipper and the Grumpy Roger. ‘And I is presumings you is Sir Fancy Drinks and Sir Water Drily, the famous squash-bottlers who we har hallways earrings about.’

  ‘It’s swashbucklers, actually!’ called Norris.

  ‘Well I ham tellings you this!’ continued the admiral. ‘Your squash-bottling days is over. Your flock of sheeps is blinkings pathetics! Is this the bests you can be do
ings? It is a very comicackle thing to see! My sailors are being tittered pink by the lookings of it. They are havings the screamings abs dabs. Listens!’

  Captain Codswallop and the crew listened. They could hear roars of laughter drifting over the water from the Spanish fleet.

  ‘And I will tell you what we have been doings while we have been taking the potty shotty at you!’

  ‘What have you been doing?’ shouted Captain Codswallop.

  ‘We have been putting our eyes in our jellyslops!’

  ‘That’s disgusting!’

  ‘I think he means their telescopes, cap’n,’ said Norris.

  ‘Hand we have been peepings at your little bots!’ continued the admiral.

  ‘You rude lot!’ exclaimed Captain Codswallop.

  ‘And I am toldings you,’ continued Admiral Torremolinos. ‘We have never seen such pathetics little bots in our whole life. We are so tittered pinks that we are all beings the gigglings Gerties.’

  ‘You ought to be ashamed of yourselves!’ said Dick Turnip.

  ‘Listen, Sir Fancy Drinks and Sir Water Drily!’ continued Admiral Torremolinos. ‘Spinach bots are big bots! And my bot is the biggest of them all. When I am sailing into the arbours, all the peoples is gaspings and pointings and saying, “Cor, just look at Admireable Don Alfonso Torremolinos’s lovely big bot! It is the most hugest and most beautifulest bot I ever did see. Such a lovely shape and pretty colours! Oh, I am really wishings I ad a big lovely bot like that!”’

  ‘He’s a very rude man, isn’t he, Norris?’ said Captain CodswalIop. ‘He can’t stop talking about bottoms!’

  ‘I think he means boats actually, cap’n,’ said Norris.

  ‘Oh, I see! I see!’ said the captain.

  ‘Si, si!’ said the Spanish admiral. ‘We have got the biggest bots and we have got you surrendered. Your Hinglish Navvy must now be surroundering! Hand over your sheeps!’

  ‘We haven’t got any sheep?’ said the captain,

  ‘He means ships,’ said Norris. ‘I think they want us to hand over the Flying Kipper and the Grumpy Roger.’