The Last Hurrah of the Golden Horde

by Norman Spinrad

  One, two, five, seven, ten dazed and bewildered “heroes” staggered past the honor guard, to face the Co-ordinator.

  He opened his mouth to begin his welcoming speech, and start the five years of questioning and experiments which would eventually kill five of the crew and give Man the secret of faster-than-light drive.

  But instead of speaking, he screamed.

  So did two hundred heavily armed soldiers.

  Because, out of starship Thirteen’s main hatch sauntered a twelve-foot green dragon, followed by a Tyrannosaurus Rex, a pterodactyl, a vampire bat with a five-foot wingspan, an old-fashioned red, spade-tailed demon, and finally, big as a horse’s, the pop-eyed head of an enormous black serpent…

  The Entropic Gang Bang Caper

  PBA THREATENS STRIKE OVER DEMONSTRATION TACTICS

  New York, N.Y. The President of the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association threatened to call a general police strike unless all riot police were immediately disarmed, “Armed police have a tough time getting laid at demonstrations,” he explained. “It’s bad for morale.”

  The Arsenal of Entropy

  Some common human phobias include fear of close spaces, fear of heights, fear of spiders, fear of suffocation, fear of dogs, fear of injury to the eyes, fear of rats, fear of faeces, fear of insects, fear of slime, fear of injury to the genitals, fear of buggery, fear of impotence, fear of a public display of cowardice.

  Scenario One:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Violence is a means of waging war. A violence-war breaks the will of the enemy through fear. In a violence-war, the enemy is defeated when his fear of further violence is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat.

  VIOLENCE IS THE LAST RESORT OF DESPERATE MEN ARE THE LAST RESORT OF VIOLENCE IS DESPERATE RESORT OF THE LAST MEN

  The Arsenal of Entropy

  DMSO is a chemical which when combined with a wide spectrum of liquids will cause the liquid with which it is mixed to be absorbed into the bloodstream, through skin-contact.

  Spray-guns may be purchased on the open market.

  LSD is a colorless, odorless, tasteless liquid which may be introduced into any fluid medium without fear of detection.

  Scenario Two:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Revulsion is a means of waging war. A revulsion-war breaks the will of the enemy through disgust. In a revulsion-war, the enemy is defeated when his disgust for further conflict is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat.

  WAR NEGOTIATIONS SUSPENDED

  Miami Beach, Fla. Negotiations were suspended until next Friday today between the Pentagon and the Military Association of Soldiers, Sailors and Airmen over the unresolved issue of combat coffee-breaks. Although MASSA has accepted the Pentagon proposal of a $2.25 an hour wage-increase for enlisted men, to be spread out over the duration of the next three-year contract, MASSA spokesmen indicated that the Pentagon refusal to grant combat coffee-breaks could lead to an indefinite prolongation of the current strike.

  Regular coffee-breaks have been standard procedure in most other industries for years, MASSA negotiators pointed out, in refusing the Pentagon’s counter-proposal of double-time for night patrols.

  REVOLUTION IS THE OPIUM OF THE INTELLECTUAL CLASS IS THE OPIUM REVOLUTION IS INTELLECTUAL OPIUM IS THE CUSS REVOLUTION OF THE INTELLECTUAL CUSS OPIUM IS THE REVOLUTION.

  Scenario Three:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Sour grapes is a means of waging war. A sour-grapes-war breaks the will of the enemy through envy. In a sour-grapes-war, the enemy is defeated when his envy of the pleasures enjoyed by the opponent is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat.

  The Arsenal of Entropy

  Many men (including police, public officials and military personnel) strongly relish the prospect of sexual intercourse with young, nubile, willing, attractive women. They have been known to abandon more onerous tasks when confronted with the immediate prospect of a good lay. Other men (including police, public officials and military personnel) experience an equivalent reaction at the prospect of sexual congress with young, nubile, willing, attractive men. A small minority of men (including police, public officials, and military personnel) have similar lust for sexual objects such as dogs, goats, or dirty sweatsocks. Science has discovered few men in whom a sexual desire cannot be provoked.

  YOU CAN NEVER FIND A COP WHEN YOU NEED ONE COP A NEED WHEN YOU FIND ONE COP NEVER NEED A COP CAN NEVER FIND YOU WHEN YOU NEED YOU CAN NEVER FIND A NEED WHEN YOU COP ONE

  Scenario Four:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Lust is a means of waging war. A lust-war breaks the will of the enemy through tantalization. In a lust-war, the enemy is defeated when his sexual lust for the enemy is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat.

  SCOTUS RULES ON CONSTITUTIONAL ISSUE Washington, D.C.

  The Supreme Court, in a unanimous decision today, declared the Constitution Unconstitutional. “There is no provision whatsoever in the Constitution for the Constitution,” the Court decision pointed out.

  The Arsenal of Entropy

  Many human beings experience a violent disgust-reaction when showered with the entrails of freshly-killed animals.

  A violently nauseous man is incapable of violence.

  A variety of readily-obtainable substances provoke an irresistible biological urge to vomit.

  Scenario Five:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Love is a means of waging war. A love-war breaks the will of the enemy through desire. In a love-war, the enemy is defeated when his desire to be loved by the enemy is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat.

  VD EPIDEMIC AMONG POLICE LAID TO HIPPY DEMONSTRATORS VD EPIDEMIC LAID TO POLICE LAID AMONG HIPPY DEMONSTRATORS VD EPIDEMIC AMONG POLICE LAID TO VD EPIDEMIC AMONG HIPPY DEMONSTRATORS LAID TO POLICE VD

  LA COPS MOBBED BY GROUPIES

  Los Angeles, Calif. Three hundred Los Angeles riot police were brutally sexually assaulted today by a screaming mob of several thousand naked fifteen-to-eighteen-year-old groupies. Five rock stars had to be summoned to restore order using charisma and amplified guitars. The management of the Shrine Auditorium threatened to revoke the LAPD’s entertainment license if this outrage were to be repeated.

  “Blue cloth and brass buttons turn me on,” explained the seventeen-year-old President of the Cop-You-Laters, the new fan club which is causing serious concern in anti-government circles. “I just can’t help it, the sight of a nightstick makes me throb inside.”

  “Shocking!” declared a rock star who preferred to remain anonymous. “These groupies should be setting an example for our impressionable police. Do they treat their fathers like that?”

  Scenario Six:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Guilt is a means of waging war. A guilt-war breaks the will of the enemy through remorse. In a guilt-war, the enemy is defeated when his remorse for the actions he is committing is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat

  The Arsenal of Entropy

  Shit is a substance easily obtained by anyone, it is neither colorless, odorless, nor tasteless. Its odor, taste, appearance, and concept provoke severe disgust in many people, including police, public officials, and military personnel.

  UNIVERSITY DEMANDS DEMONSTRATOR CONTROL OF POLICE

  Berkeley, Calif. At a news conference called after the latest Berkeley riot, the Chancellor of the University of California demanded tighter demonstrator control of police. “The situation would never have gotten out of hand if the police had been forced to summon demonstrators ear-tier,” he declared. “It’s time the anarchists stopped coddling the police.”

  Scenario Seven:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Reality-alteration is a means of waging war. A reality-alteration-war breaks the will of the enemy through alienation. In a reality-alteration-war, the enemy is defeated wh
en his fear of alienation from the current reality is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat.

  IF YOU CAN’T SEAT ’EM EAT ’EM IF YOU BEAT ’EM YOU CAN’T EAT ’EM IF YOU CAN’T BEAT ’EM YOU CAN’T EAT ’EM

  MUGGER CLEARED OF POLICE BRUTALITY RAP

  New York, N.Y. Superior Court Judge Arthur Cranz today dismissed charges of intent to commit police brutality against Herbert Smith, 29. Smith, a member of the International Brotherhood of Muggers, had been accused of police brutality against Patrolman David MacDougal of the New York City Vice Squad, when the latter’s nightstick was buggered during a routine mugging in New York’s Central Park. Judge Cranz ruled that since both men were under the influence of capitalist propaganda at the time, intent could not be proven. However, all three paternity suits arising out of the incident are still pending in civil court.

  Scenario Eight:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Identity is a means of waging war. An identity-war breaks the will of the enemy through absorption. In an identity-war, the enemy is defeated when his degree of merger with the enemy is greater than his fear of the consequences of defeat.

  SECRETARY OF TREASURY ABSCONDS

  New York, N.Y. The Secretary of the Treasury today announced his formal abscondence with the National Debt at a press conference held in a Wall Street crash-pad. He told reporters that he planned to sell the Debt to the Mafia as a tax-loss, deposit the proceeds in municipal bonds, and accept a Presidential appointment to the Mothers of Invention.

  Scenario Nine:

  War is any means of breaking the will of the enemy. Chaos is a means of waging war. A chaos-war breaks the will of the enemy through entropy. In a chaos-war, the enemy is defeated when further action on his part becomes the consequences of defeat.

  BECAUSE WE LOVE EACH OTHER, THAT’S WHY!

  Reno, Nevada. At a press conference in Reno today, the President and the Vice President announced that they had been married during the night in a private ceremony conducted by the Chief of Naval Operations.

  “I just don’t see what all the fuss is about,” the Vice President said. “We’re just two people in love, that’s all.”

  “This time it’s for keeps!” the President assured reporters as the newlyweds left for a two-week honeymoon in Niagara Falls.

  The Last Hurrah of the Golden Horde

  Eastward across the Gobi, three hundred old men ride upon three hundred shaggy, wizened Mongolian ponies. The ponies, like their riders, are the tag-end of a dying breed. The men are dressed in filthy, cracked, badly-tanned leathers. Across their backs are strapped short Mongolian bows; swords dangle from their waists and they carry lances in their horny hands as they ride toward the sunrise.

  In the dingy storefront on Sullivan Street identified as the D’Mato Social Club by the peeling green letters on the fly-specked translucent area above the black-painted area of the plate glass window that hid the cave-like interior from the view of casual assassins in the street, Jerry Cornelius, a not-so-casual (or in his own way a more casual) assassin, sat on a gray-enameled metal folding chair facing a gnarled old man with a Jimmy Durante nose across the cracked surface of a rickety card-table. Jerry wore a carefully-dated black suit, a black silk shirt, a white tie, and white boots. His black vinyl raincoat was draped across a counter which paralleled one wall of the room and which held a display of candy bars and a cardboard showcase of De Nobili cigars. Behind the counter hung a faded photograph of Franklin D. Roosevelt framed in black. The man with the Jimmy Durante nose was smoking a De Nobili and the semipoisonous smoke that he blew across the table was clearly designed to blow Jerry’s cool. Jerry, however, had expected this, and as a counter-measure kept his violin case close at hand. It seemed a draw.

  “This is a big one, Cornelius,” the old man said.

  “Flesh is flesh, Mr. Siciliano,” Jerry replied. “Metal is metal.”

  “Have you ever hit a Cabinet-level official before?”

  Jerry pondered. “It’s open to doubt,” he finally admitted. “I got a head of state once, but it was a benevolent despotism.”

  The old man chewed his cigar, much to Jerry’s disgust. “It’ll have to do,” he said. “You’ve got the contract. How soon can you be in Sinkiang?”

  “Three days. I’ll have to change passports again.”

  “Make it two.”

  “I’d have to pull strings. It’ll cost you.”

  The old man shrugged. “Do it,” he said.

  Jerry grinned. “My motto, Mr. Siciliano. Who’s the contract on?” ’

  “Mao Tze Tung’s heir-apparent.”

  “Who’s that these days?” Jerry asked. The situation in China had gotten somewhat muddled.

  “That’s your problem,” Durante-nose said.

  Jerry shrugged. “And my cover?”

  “Arrange it yourself.”

  Jerry got up clutching his violin case, ran his hand through his great bush of blonde natural, retrieved his raincoat, took a De Nobili from the counter, and said with an evil smirk: “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  The railroad train consisted of a locomotive, a sealed boxcar, three flatcars and a caboose. The boxcar contained one ton of (uncut?) heroin. The open flatcars held three hundred members of the People’s Army of China armed with machineguns, protected from the elements by the thought of Chairman Mao. The caboose held the negotiating team. The locomotive was a diesel job.

  “You’ll be working with the Russians on this, Inspector Cornelius,” Q said. “Our interests happen to coincide.”

  Jerry frowned. The last time he had worked with a Russian, he had contracted the clap. “I don’t trust those buggers,” he told Q.

  “Neither do we,” Q said crisply, “but it’s the only way we can get you into Sinkiang. You leave for Moscow on Aeroflot in the morning.”

  “Aeroflot?” whined Jerry. Christ, those Russian stewardesses! he thought. “I get airsick on Aeroflot,” he complained.

  Q glared at Jerry firmly. “We’re getting the family plan discount,” he explained.

  “But I’m flying alone…”

  “Precisely.”

  “Dramamine?”

  “If you insist,” Q said primly. “But the Bureau frowns on foreign substances.”

  “My mission?” Jerry asked.

  “Catch the Chinks and the Maf in the act. Bust them.”

  “But we have no jurisdiction.”

  “Hence the Russians,” said Q. “Use your head, Cornelius.”

  “They have no jurisdiction either.”

  “You’re not that naive, Cornelius.”

  “I suppose not,” Jerry said wistfully.

  According to the thought of Chairman Mao, the village was an anachronism: one hundred and fifty-three flea-bitten nomads, along with their animals (mostly diseased horses and threadbare yaks) encamped in a cluster of leather yurts on the margin of the Gobi. From the correct point of view, the village might be said not to exist.

  From this same point of view (as well as from several others) the three hundred old men who galloped in from the wastes of the Gobi might also be said to be nonexistent. Nevertheless, the nomad encampment had a certain reality for the old warriors; in fact an archetypal reality stretching back in a line of unbroken tradition from the days of the Great Khan and his Golden Horde still burning clearly in their ancestral memory to the misty and arthritic present.

  Village. Burn. Pillage. Rape. Kill.

  Outside the umbrella of the thoughts of Chairman Mao, the old barbarians existed in a happier reality of simple, straightforward traditional imperatives.

  Therefore, unmindful of the fact that the village was an anachronism, the old warriors, in the time-honored tradition of the Golden Horde, rode into the encampment, slew the men and children, made a pass at raping the women to death, slaughtered the animals, burned the yurts, and continued to ride eastward, secure in the knowledge that they had fulfilled another quantum of their timeless destiny.

&
nbsp; A long concrete runway broke the monotony of the Sinkiang wastelands with the more absolute monotony of its geometric perfection. At right angles to the runway, a railroad spur wandered off toward the horizon. From the viewpoint of the pilot of the C-5A approaching this three-dimensional nexus, the runway and the railroad spur formed a T with a finite bar and an infinite upright. If anything, the pilot thought this sloppy. It is likely that he did not fully comprehend the thought of Chairman Mao; a more erudite man might have appreciated the symbolism.

  “It is a clear demonstration of the cynical perfidy of the Chinese gangster element enshrined behind the facade of the Maoist clique, Comrade Cornelius,” Commissar Krapotkin observed genially, drawing a glass of tea from the silver samovar and handing it across the table to Jerry. Krapotkin was a short barrel of a man who wore his double-breasted Mod suit like a uniform. Perhaps it is a uniform, Jerry thought, as he took a spiked sugar-cube out of his mother-of-pearl pillbox and inserted it between his teeth. The Russians were doing their best to be hip these days and it was hard to keep up.

  As Jerry sipped tea through the sugar-cube between his teeth, Krapotkin fit up an Acapulco Gold and continued to make Smalltalk: “While they gibber and squeak their anti-Soviet obscenities in Peking, they deal with the worst gangster element of the decadent capitalist society by their back door in Sinkiang, which, by the way, is of course rightfully Soviet territory.”

  “I wouldn’t call the Maf the worst gangster element of decadent capitalist society,” Jerry observed mildly.

  Krapotkin produced a metallic sound which Jerry tentatively identified as a laugh. “Ah, very good, Comrade Cornelius. Indeed, one might argue that the distribution of heroin, contributing as it does to the further corruption of the already decadent West, is an act which contributes to the long range progress of the working-class.”

  “But providing the reactionary adventurist regime in Peking with hard American currency does not,” Jerry rejoined.

  “Exactly, Comrade! Which is why my government has decided to cooperate with the American narcs. Once the Maoist clique has been exposed in the act of selling heroin to the Maf, we should have no trouble totally discrediting them with progressive elements throughout the world.”