“What’s up? T-Love, lover, player, big baller, baller. Nigga, where you been? I got a message from your wife on the machine and a message from her brother. He wants me to call him, said it was urgent. If you expect me to keep having yo back, you need to let me know something. This shit ain’t cool, man.”
“I’m sorry, I should have called.” His little apology sounded sincere, so I couldn’t help cutting him some slack. “I just talked to Erik and he’s hot, so I need to speak with you about a few things. I’m on my way to the crib. Will you be there?”
“Yes. I’m staying put and answering some calls.”
“Good. Peace!”
I also had to call my mom. We talked every week. If she didn’t hear from me, she would think something was wrong, so I called her. If my mom found out about my life, she would hit the ceiling, drop to her knees and call on Jesus. I wished I could tell my sister, Lori. Lori was my big little sis. I called her that because I got all the height in the family, and Lori was short and petite. She was six years my senior, but I still acted as if I were older. Lori would listen, but not keep my confidence. The things I was into were too deep, and she would tell our mother. Not out of betrayal, but out of wanting the best for me. Every day I stuffed one more bone into the closet. I phoned my mom, thinking about how she had had the same phone number for almost twenty years.
Ring… ring.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, baby. How are you and my grandbaby?”
“We’re well. We just got back from Chuck E. Cheese and he played himself to sleep.”
“When will you send him up here to see me? I miss my baby. Actually, I miss both of my babies, so when can you visit, too?”
“Soon, Mom. As a matter of fact, I got some things I’m working on.”
“Well, has Chino seen the baby?”
“No.” The baby-and-Chino subject was my Achilles’ heel. I hated to go there.
“I told you he wouldn’t care where you were. A sorry-ass man is going to be sorry no matter what. He really doesn’t deserve to see the baby.”
“I know, Mom, but I’m just praying he’ll come around and be there for him and be a father. I never dreamt in all my life that he would act like this.”
Seeing the look on Chino’s face after I stabbed him filled me with fear. I turned, moving just in time to get out of his reach, and ran toward the stairs leading to the lower level where the pool table was. With Chino in pursuit, I jetted toward the pool table and remembered what I had placed underneath the pillow the night before: a .380 with hollow-point bullets.
“You stupid bitch! You just made my day. Oh, now you wanna be a man? You wanna fight?” He started to act on pure adrenaline. I ran around a chair for the pool table. I thought of grabbing a pool stick, but I was afraid that he’d use it to crack me upside my head. I was dancing back and forth around the table in my bare feet, almost sliding on the ceramic tile, while he continued to rant and rave. Then suddenly he became calm and removed his shirt in order to get cool. The removal of his shirt exposed his thick frame, which held a slightly pudgy dope boy midsection from one too many good meals. My eyes watched his face, then traveled downward. In his waistband I saw the handle of a shiny black 9 mm.
Chino had never brought guns into the house. The rumors of him out in the streets wilin’ were rampant. This was one of the reasons I had secretly propositioned my brother for the purchase of a small .380. I wanted to feel protected. He added the hollow points, with the premise that if I shot anyone with such a small caliber gun, I needed to take them out or they would beat my ass for not killing them. I began to plead as the look on Chino’s face announced war. “Okay, Chino, stop playing. Can we talk about this like rational adults? Damn, I’m sorry.” We continued the game of chase around the pool table as he breathed harder, getting angrier by the moment that he couldn’t catch me, but I’d be damned if I was going down.
My mother said, “I know, baby. No one could have told me this either, and I’ve been around for a long time. I’m praying that the two of you work out your differences and come to some agreement for the sake of the child. He is a beautiful baby and looks just like Chino. Like he spit him out. The child doesn’t deserve this. He’s caught in the middle of the problems you have with each other.”
“I thought we were closer than this.”
“Like my mama always told me, ‘Teeth and tongue will fall out, and you can’t get any closer than that.’”
“I know. I’ve turned it over to God. If it’s meant to be, then so be it. Sooner or later, something will give. I’ll either give up or he will give in to his responsibilities.” At that point, I felt it might be a lost cause.
“I’m always here if you need to talk.”
“I mean, I thought for sure someone in his family would have made it to the baby’s first birthday party, but they didn’t. If Chino is mad at me, then they all are.”
“That’s just the way it is with them people. But God don’t like ugly, and you don’t make differences over children. It’s not right,” my mother contributed with extreme bitterness.
“I know. His family never did try to get to the truth. One day they loved me, the next day I was hated, and so they rejected my son. But, Mom, I thank God for my child even if nobody else does.”
“Amen!” said Mom.
“And I heard it on one of those rap records that you don’t like. Imagine that.”
“Pammy, remember the baby isn’t missing out on anything with relatives like that. Children are a blessing. They come when God tells them to come. Why can’t people understand that? People love you in good times and leave in bad. That’s how friends do you, but remember, I’m not your friend. I’m your mother and I’ll be here until the end. You can count on me, Pammy, and you can always come home.” I detected a hint of sadness in her voice.
“I believe they never cared for me and only dealt with me because of Chino. I never listened to you about that. I’m trying to do better now. See, I am growing up, Mom. I’m just trying to go on with my life, make some sense out of all I’ve been through and all I must go through.”
“I understand. Just make sure you bend those knees and pray. God will see you through this. He never fails.”
“What’s for dinner?”
“I’m cooking your favorite, barbecue chicken with my special Star sauce. I got my potatah salad and some greens with a side of macaroni and cheese. Want some?”
“Yes!”
“I wish you were here. I worry about you all the time.”
“I miss you, too, Mom. I’m being careful and trying to work out some internal and external issues.”
“Remember to let God help. He is the Master! Have you gone past the hair salon? Who owns it now?” asked Mom.
“No, I haven’t had the courage to go past the shop yet. I will one day. This guy named Ricky has it and I hear it’s not the same as when I had it.”
“Of course, my dear, no one can do it like you.”
“Mom, you always know what to say.”
“If you would only talk more, I could help you a lot more before your concerns become problems. Promise me you’ll talk to me more.”
“I promise that I’ll try. So, what’s up at work? How are your students?”
“They’re fine. These kids are getting bigger every day. It must be the fast food.”
“Speaking of that, the baby has more teeth and he’s trying to swim in the bathtub. One day I’m going to buy him a swimming pool, and not a lil’ plastic one.”
“I know you’ll be fine. Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m fine. T-Love just pulled into the garage.”
“Oh, he’s there again? Where does he work?” questioned Mom.
I didn’t answer.
“Pammy, be careful. Don’t get into that same messy stuff again.”
“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay, baby. Kiss my grandson for me and yourself, too.”
>
“I will. Mommy?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too. Remember to pray.”
“I will. Good night.”
I heard the garage door raising, followed by the sound of the security system being disarmed. Attempts at gentle footsteps glided across my kitchen floor, but T-Love was too heavy for gentle steps. I knew the sound of his brown leather Timbs anywhere.
“Look at you. T-Love finally home. You’d better call your wife. She left three messages on the machine.”
“I know. She’s been blowing my pager up, but first we need to talk.”
“Okay, but remember the last time you didn’t call her back? She got in her car, drove all the way here from New York, caught you in the bed with that sack chaser and beat both y’all’s asses.” I laughed at the memory.
“Well, those days are behind me. She wasn’t my wife then; she was my girlfriend. Now she’s my wife and driving an Acura Legend, so she’d better sit her ass still, keep counting them dollars and take care of my son.”
“So, what’s up?” I asked curiously.
“Well, C, Erik doesn’t want me to deal with you. He found out that we did something this week, and he’s crazy mad, so we ain’t gonna be able to do this drug thang. You know what I’m sayin’?”
“Oh, really?” Stay calm. “Erik has mo’ money than God, but he wants me to starve, right? This shit is crazy. I don’t understand, especially because I’ve got your money.”
“I don’t understand either, but he just feels like I shouldn’t sell to you. Why can’t you go to Chino? He’s in the same game.”
“You know why I can’t go to Chino. I went to him for help and couldn’t get it, so you think he’s gonna give me some dope? Been there, done that with him and I ain’t goin’ back.”
“I don’t know what else to say, Carmen.”
“So now you wanna dump me, too?”
“Erik thinks you’re getting it for Chino.”
“Oh, yeah, right. One kilo? What is Chino going to do with that? Erik hates Chino just as much as, if not more than, Chino hates him over that fake affair he accused Erik and me of having. Look, I’ve got to take care of myself. No one is helping me—not you, not Erik, not Chino. So I must help myself, and that’s what I’m doing!”
“I know, but Erik said no!”
“So, is that what this is? Fuck me? Take your money and your shit and get the fuck out! I’m not gonna beg your fake ass! As a matter of fact, give me some money since I can’t work for it.”
Silently, T just stood in place, unable to look me in the face. He stared at the walls, then the kitchen floor. Here I was ballin’ for mines. He knew I had no one, and now he was turning his back on me. Just when I had begun to trust again. Just when I had begun to think things could be different, this shit happens.
“That’s what I thought. Fuck you! I’m an entrepreneur, and I’ll survive all of this shit! Trust and believe.”
Eight
I ran to my room and started crying. All I saw was opportunity going down the drain, and that was when Carmen kicked in.
Look, dry those fuckin’ tears. He ain’t the only store in town. You gotta campaign, not complain. What’s really the deal? Obviously, T ain’t his own man, but Erik is. So fuck it, go kick it. Money talks and bullshit walks. Go spit it at him. This ain’t nothing but an illusion.
I rose from my bed, dried my tears and got his money together. He was in the basement watching videos when I said, “Okay, T, here’s your money, and thanks for everything. When you get your own connect or become self-sufficient, then I’m here to deal with you, but until then, I’m getting my serve on, with or without you. You ain’t bringing no drugs or flopping on my couch no more either. I’m all for self, and actually, I’ve got work to do. I’ve still got my phones. Who needs Erik?”
I just made his fat ass money, probably twenty grand more than he had, and that had to be worth something. In the streets, money is worth everything. I knew there was no use in calling Erik. He was a Taurus just like Chino—stubborn as hell. They were so much alike, and I knew once his mind was made up, that was all there was to it.
Erik believed that one day Chino would come around and help me with the baby. I too believed that shit, but after a year of no help, I was seeing him for what he was worth. The nigga shitted on me and I was on my own. While Chino was driving around sporting the latest in everything, I still had nothing but what I gave myself. Nobody could pay me like I paid myself, and I liked paying myself. So I wouldn’t try to call Erik, but I would try to work T-Love.
See, Erik came to Columbus from New York for school as an engineering major. He more or less pioneered this area with the New York trade, and the same custies that T now had, were once Erik’s. While Erik was in New York with the connect, he sent T down here to keep the hustle going. T didn’t have his own customers, neither did he have the plug. He more or less worked for Erik, and all the money T made was split with Erik because of what Erik had established. If you look and listen, you learn a lot. Not to mention if you get played the way I did, you learn even more. I knew what time it was. I just needed T to know he could be his own man if he wasn’t so fucking lazy and content with being the middleman. So I figured I’d take a chance on some convo. The way I saw it, they were trying to dismiss me, so I might as well give them something to dismiss me for.
I sat next to him on the sofa and calmly said, “Okay, T, check it. I know you share custies with Erik, but I can be your new custie and give you an opportunity to make money on your own. I can do more. In fact, I need some heroin, too. A couple ounces of it.”
He sat up and I continued, “Yeah, I know all about your clients and how y’all got them and what’s what. You can keep tearing off Erik, but tear yourself off on some things you put together. Would you like something to eat?”
“Yeah,” he responded eagerly. Look at him rubbing that stomach of his. “Come on, let’s go into the kitchen to talk.” I will not be cut off. “Let me fix you something while we talk about this.” At least I’ve got his attention.
“C, you trying to get me cut off?” he asked, opening the cookie jar filled with chocolate cookies. “Erik said no, and I can’t get cut off.” I poured him a glass of milk so he wouldn’t choke. T popped the miniature cookies into his mouth.
“How he gonna cut you off? That’s your partner.”
“I know, but you don’t really understand.”
“Well, explain it to me, and make me understand how it really is. Don’t you know the connect?”
“Yeah, but Erik mostly deals with him.” He spoke like a scared kid who wanted no part of that adult responsibility.
“Well, all you have to do is talk to Erik. I’m not saying to cut his throat; all I’m saying is that I need money and so do you. That’s why you out here, right? And I feel you owe me that effort. Talk to Erik.” I looked directly at him. “For me. You know I can’t talk to him. You know how he feels about me and the streets. He don’t want me in them.”
During Chino’s incarceration, Erik and I spent time talking about the streets, and he was sympathetic to Chino’s imprisonment. He understood it to be a price you paid in the game, but he couldn’t understand my willingness to wait on a nigga behind bars. He constantly tried to get me to leave Chino, saying things like, “You too pretty to struggle. Another nigga can pay your bills just like he was.” He couldn’t see that Chino was not just a nigga paying my bills; he was my friend, my first love, and I would wait on him for as long as it took. I resisted his advances, even though I enjoyed hanging out with him, but he definitely didn’t want me in the streets. He wanted more for me.
I kept trying to convince T-Love by adding, “I can move more dope and I need a connect. If not, take me to New York with you, give me my own plug.” I didn’t fully understand what I was saying, but I was desperate and willing to try anything. “Now eat.” I put a T-bone steak and fries in front of him. “Here’s a nice cold be
er, too. Count your money… all of it.” I leaned against the breakfast bar. “How did you explain the extra kilo?”
He looked startled.
“Ahh.” I said when T was speechless. “I understand. Why can’t it be a secret between us? Okay? Also, call your wife and give her my love. I never tell Erik about any of your booty calls, so why tell him any of my business?”
T-Love knew two things damn well, and they were: one, not to mess with Erik’s money; and two, not to fuck around on his sister Deidre. Erik had hated him dating his sister because of how loose he was with his dick. But against Erik’s wishes and warnings, his sister fell in love with T. Blind love; she couldn’t see shit and hear nobody but T-Love. Now I had his attention, taking the fight out of a now weak argument.
“But Erik knows how much of them thangs I get.”
I got confident and said, “Well, tell him whatever. But T, I don’t want to see you again without two kilos for myself and an ounce of your best heroin. Perhaps LaShonn would like to come over for a movie. Maybe you should take that extra money, go to the mall and get her a gift. I can go for you.” I folded my arms and gave him a wink with a sly smile. Then I showed a little cleavage and whispered, “T, baby, we can do this.”
He gave me five grand and told me to spend it on that bitch. I knew it. He really liked that girl, and people always love it when they have someone to be deceitful with.
I ran to the mall around 8:00 p.m., rushing against closing time to a store called Diamonds, Pearls & Jade. I talked with my favorite jeweler, the same one who crafted the beautiful engagement ring Chino got for me. I saw the perfect gift for Ms. Bitch—a lovely tennis bracelet made up of solitaire and baguette diamonds with a beautiful clasp. The ticket was about four grand, so I gave the jeweler $3,500, had them gift wrap it and signed a card for T-Love. I only wanted to give her some earrings, but sack chasers always want a tennis bracelet. It was a status symbol for them.
The gift was beautiful, and I was keeping the change.
On my way home, I also got some flowers for his girl. I could spare $35 for some roses. One day someone will buy some for me. If not, I’ll buy them for myself. Yes, I’ll lace my home with flowers in every room. I can look around and remember that I got love for myself.
Let That Be the Reason Page 9