Let That Be the Reason

by Vickie M. Stringer

  I started to cry at this point.

  “That’s right, let it out. Momma will be there to see you and get my grandbaby. They’re trying to take me to court over the baby, but Pammy, I will get him and bring him home. Don’t even worry. I’ll be there tomorrow. Your sister is coming, too. After we hang up, I want you to call her. She has something to tell you that I think you’ll like. The God I know is a God of second chances and third chances. Your life is not over, and you won’t be doing all the time they’re saying you will. Don’t listen to them. Get on them knees and pray.”

  “I am praying all the time, Mom. I feel all alone.”

  “You are never alone. Remember that God is always with you, and I am with you. You’ll be fine. We will make it through this. Don’t worry about your son. I will whip the Devil’s ass before I let something happen to that baby.”

  The tears poured like endless drops of rain.

  “You and your brother stick together. Start writing each other and do this together. It will work out. Just be strong, baby. Momma’s here every step of the way. You can call me every day all day and talk to me. That is why I work. I can pay my phone bill. Don’t let them pull you apart. I don’t know much about the law, but I know about our government, and they ain’t worth shit!”

  “Mom, you don’t curse.”

  “When my baby is hurting, I am hurting. I know you’re not the criminal they’re saying you are. Got you on the news and in the papers like you killed the president.”

  “It’s nerve-racking.”

  “Stop watching TV. God will take care of punishing you for your wrong. Pammy, we must all pay for our offenses, but forgiving others and ourselves gives us hope for the future. I’m sending you a Bible, and it will be fine. Your family got your back.”

  “Mom, you always know what to say to me.”

  “That’s ’cause I’m Moms. And that sorry-ass Chino, I told you he never meant you any good. He’ll never change. It was always about what you could do for him in some form or fashion. But God will take care of you. I am on my knees every day praying for you, and don’t make me get your grandma on her knees. It will all be over soon. You are protected. Come, let’s thank Him. Say it! Thank God right now in the bad and the good because it could be worse. You could have lost your life. This looks bad, but the God I serve will turn it into good. You’ll see.”

  “I know, Mom, and I thank Him for my life, my health and my strength. I feel Him with me because I have not fainted. I am still standing.”

  “Wipe them tears and hold your head up high. Cry if you have to, but don’t feel sorry for yourself. You can make it.”

  “I know, and, Mommy, thank you so very much for everything. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Do you need anything?”

  “No, I’m fine.”

  “Well, I am coming to see for myself. You know all I got to do is look at you and then I’ll be all right.”

  “I am glad you’re coming.”

  “Now, don’t pray for freedom because that will come when it’s time. Pammy, pray for wisdom and strength to help you with this trial. Pray to see with your spirit eyes and hear what God wants you to hear. It will keep you grounded. Your spirit is free. Remember, no man can bind this. And your baby is in good hands. He is young. We will make it through this. Lori is there for you, and you two have always been really close. Call her as soon as we hang up.”

  “That’s if I can get the phone. These phone lines are ridiculous.”

  “Do your best, but hold your ground.”

  “And you know I will. Okay then, I love you. I’ll call in the morning.”

  “Pammy, I love you, and please keep your head up. You’re not the first to be arrested, and you won’t be the last. You can make it, baby.”

  “Bye, Mom”

  “Bye, baby.”

  There was no way I could keep hogging the phone without a fight or a bribe, and commissary day was not until Thursday. I would call in the morning while everyone else was asleep. Using the phone in the evening was almost as hard as gettin’ out of jail. I would take a shower and go to sleep. A good cry in the shower would do me some good. In county, I cried in the shower so no one else could see me.

  “Xavier! Visit!”

  “CO, Xavier ready!” Rubbing my hands on my clothes in an attempt to knock out some of the wrinkles, I wondered who was visiting me. I hoped it wasn’t the girls, and my mom wasn’t supposed to be there until the weekend. I approached the visiting room and noticed my sister.

  “Lori! What are you doing here?”

  “Well, you didn’t call, so I got in my car, and here I am.”

  “I am so happy to see you. I was going to call today, but the phone situation is a mess in here. I was sleeping.”

  “Don’t worry about it. You look good, even if it is in green.” My eyes filled with tears. “Don’t start crying ’cause you’ll make me cry. Be strong. Now is the time for you to be stronger. We need to talk.”

  “About what? Please not this case,” I said and began to rub my forehead.

  “No, I just care about you. Your friend Delano is helping me find an apartment.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, he called Mom. He is really concerned and worried about you. I told him that you needed money.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “Lose the attitude. Because you do. Anyways, he gave me what you needed. I don’t want to say it—this place may be bugged.”

  “He gave you all I needed? All of it?”

  “Yes, girl, plus took me to lunch. He is downstairs with Kristen.”

  “Kris is here? Why is my niece in Columbus?”

  “Because this is our new home. I found a nice two-bedroom apartment.”

  “What? Why? What are you talking about?”

  “Your attorney said you’ll be here over a year, and if there’s a trial, it could be two years. I’m not leaving my baby sister in a county jail all by herself. No way! You need me.”

  “What about your job?”

  “I’ll get another one.”

  “I can’t let you do this.”

  “Do I look like I am asking your permission? I’m like Nettie in The Color Purple. Nothing but death will keep me from you. I’m here until you get sentenced. And I’m going to get all the whites and clothing you can have and drop them off. I’ll be at every court hearing and in that attorney’s ass. I’ll be at every visit. Mom won’t let me keep the baby or I’d have him, too.”

  “You know how mom is about our children. Lori, I don’t know what to say.”

  “You don’t have to say anything. We are sisters until the end. I’ll have a number for you soon. I am staying at a hotel right now. D is showing me around, but he’s real busy. I’ll be settled in about two weeks.”

  “I can’t believe this.”

  “Well, you need to believe it because you are not alone. I am here with you.”

  “Please don’t sing. You’re making me laugh.”

  “Here, give me some.” She placed her hand up to the glass. “I am your sister, and I love you, and you will make it through this. I promise.”

  “When we were kids, you never lied to me, and I still believe you.” I placed my hand up to the glass, covering her smaller outline, and mouthed, “I love you, Lo-Lo.”

  “I love you, too, my lil’ sissy.”

  “Xavier, visit’s up,” said the guard with an I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude.

  “Lori, it’s time for me to go.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be back. Don’t forget, you are not alone, Pammy. These people better get used to me. Oh, I drove past your home earlier. The feds got it wrapped up like a Christmas present. We’ll talk more later. Delano told me to tell you hi.”

  “Tell him I said hi, and give Kristen a kiss for me.”

  “I’ll bring her up next time. I haven’t explained to her why you are in here yet.”

  “Xavier! Visit is up! Move it!”

  “I gotta go
. Love you.” I quickly got up, waved goodbye and was escorted back to my dorm.

  Having my sister with me in Columbus was invaluable. She had become an important part of my legal team, and I looked forward to every visit. She tried to help me in any way she could.

  I had lost contact with Dragos, but he stayed in touch with my mom and did favors for my son. I didn’t want him to, but it was his way of sending me a message. “You look out for me, and I will look out for you.”

  When the fellas I dealt with found out I was being held without bond, they turned their backs on me. Hey, that was the way of the streets, right? On the outside, we are tight like glue. Once someone’s knocked, all love is lost.

  There was still no word from Chino. Rumor had him out spending all my money and having fun. Hell, if I were out, I would have fun, too, especially if I were on my way to jail. But I couldn’t forget how he had abandoned his Pooh again. Sitting in a jail cell behind steel bars with no way out leaves a lot of time for reflection. I thought back to our unhealthy relationship. Keeping secrets, denying reality. I was stuck wondering what kind of bond we ever actually shared. What was our bond rooted in? I pulled out my yellow stationery pad and wrote a letter to the missing-in-action Chino.

  To My Dearest Christonos,

  Others call me crazy, stupid and dumb for helping you. I, too, call myself these things. I could have gotten out of the dope game, but I chose to stay. Partially, I stayed out of greed, and partially because of my low self-esteem. The dope game gave me power—power over poverty. It, coca, gave me control. I was hustling hard, climbing the dope ladder of success, all in an attempt to make you proud. That was so important to me. In the beginning, I wanted, no I needed, to take care of my son. In the end, I just wanted to impress you. When I’m asked why we are codefendants in a federal drug case after our separation, I just don’t know how to respond. Then I think back to our bond. It wasn’t the baby’s mama or baby’s daddy drama, because you don’t even accept our son. It was the love you professed to me every day we were together and even when we were apart.

  Perhaps our bond was rooted in the good times. The gold, diamonds, jewelry and cars. Or was it the bad times that brought us together? The times of need, infidelity and harm. I shot you, but you forgave me. I believed your forgiveness came out of your love for me, and that we had beat the odds. In the dope game, there are odds, too. What were the odds of each of us stacking the dollars that we did? Was it just the money that brought you back into my life? It sure seems like that. And that really hurts me.

  I hoped time would change you, so I made excuses for your behavior. I loved you so much. Chino, you have failed me in love. You have failed me in friendship. But I have failed myself by not loving myself more than I loved you. Love, I have learned, is not always required in relationships. Couples sometimes love at the same time and with the same intensity. Couples, at other times, love at different intervals. We were unequaled and unbalanced. Though we both sought wealth, I extended to you the greatest treasure, unconditional love.

  I don’t regret loving you. I do regret the choices I made because of this love, and I am living with the consequences. Consequences that now tax my son. I realize now as I face my federal trial, I must love myself first. I must love my son and be strong and do what I gotta do for me. I did my very best, and I know that you can still hear me inside. One day I will understand. One day we both will.

  Always,

  Pooh

  I folded the letter and placed it with my legal mail next to my bunk. Maybe I would mail it to him, maybe I wouldn’t, but there was a sense of closure simply in writing the letter.

  I had a hard time adjusting to life in jail. The living conditions were unbearable. More than thirty women shared one exposed toilet and one unsanitary shower. The food was slimy, cold and often unrecognizable. Since when did bologna salad come with green chunks? But like my mom always said, if you’re hungry, you’ll eat it. After a while, the food didn’t taste so bad. Ideally, at mealtime, the deputies were to bring trays of food to the inmates, who had to eat the meals in their dorm room. Then the deputies returned to pick up the empty trays. Many times the deputies ordered the inmates to pick up leftover food off their trays and eat it with their hands so the trays would stack better. That way, the staff didn’t have to make two trips to pick up the cumbersome trays.

  At first, I gave all my trays away. Later, I traded things for commissary. Still had me a hustle. I guess it’s just in me. I had good days, and I had bad days. In the Franklin County Jail there was no light of day because the windows were covered with paint and there were no outside recreation privileges.

  I spoke to my son on the phone often. I still hadn’t seen him because there were no contact visits, and I didn’t want to see him from behind glass. He wouldn’t have understood why Mom couldn’t touch him or hold him. The price for my crime, in addition to losing my freedom, included losing the chance to mother my son. I desperately wanted to get into prison so we could have a contact visit.

  I took it one day at a time. No matter what I was going through, I had to keep pushing. I was a survivor, and I knew it got greater later. One day I would have a chance at a new life. Everyone gets a second chance. I could start over. I had done it before.

  While in county, I saw the effects of drugs more vividly than I ever had in the streets. I watched women violently sick from heroin withdrawal and go into crack comas and come in with tracks all over their bodies. This was up close and personal. I couldn’t believe I had a hand in contributing to this, putting this poison in people, especially my people. I was being educated on a whole new level, a spiritually conscious level. I was learning about myself and my life. They say your twenties are the learning years, and this was very true for me. I read a lot in there, and I wrote a lot. I started writing my story. After all, stories are sold, not told. Right?

  “Xavier, visit.”

  “CO, is it a pro visit or personal visit?” I asked and got a nasty response. I felt like spitting on half these COs. They needed to sell baseball bats in the commissary.

  She continued to snap at me. “No, it is a regular visit. Do you want it?”

  “Yes, I do. Here I come.”

  “Hurry up.”

  I wondered who it could be. The girls had sent me some money and a card, but that was three months ago. At least they’d thought of me. I understood that they were doing their own things now. In fact, Toy came through county on a whore case. She was still out on the streets even after what happened to China. I talked to her for a brief moment at the county jail church.

  I walked up to the glass and it was Delano. Let that be the reason I always keep my faith! He was still looking very good, and I couldn’t believe he was here to see me.

  I was feeling slightly embarrassed by my appearance. My relaxed hair was gone, and I was wearing my shoulder-length hair straight to the back in French braids. I picked up the conference phone and sat down in the booth. He had his hand held to the window, so I placed mine up to the glass. My palm rested on the glass, dwarfed by his outline. I yearned to touch it and feel his warmth just one more time. I loved the way he had touched the side of my face and the nape of my neck and caressed me ever so gently down my spine. Remembering our night together, I closed my eyes and imagined his scent in my mind. His voice brought me back to reality.

  “Carmen, just because I am in here and you are out there…”

  “Wait, D, I am in here, you are out there.”

  “You know what I meant. But I miss you, and I think of you, and I want to be your friend.”

  “Delano, you know I’m hot. I can’t believe you are here talking to me.” I could feel my heart beating fast as I became more uncomfortable with my appearance, even while relishing the moment, this visit. His presence was so sudden, so strange and so needed.

  “I’m not afraid. I want to be here for you. Do you need anything? I left some money on your books,” Delano said.

  “This is not wise. You sh
ouldn’t be here.”

  “I know you won’t do anything against me. I’m not worried. You’ll be all right. Just do what is best for you and your son. You know what I mean. You got a good lawyer, and I feel good about that. I saw Chino at the downtown mall with his crew, your codefendants. They’re not thinking about you.”

  I began to cry, the evidence of being played once again spit in my face. I had to get past this and stay strong.

  He continued, “Carmen, don’t cry. You in jail, but you gotta think like you still in the streets. I was going up the escalator, and they were riding down, and it was a Wild Wild West starefest to see whose eyes moved first. It was obvious that they were strapped, but I was, too. I would love to run into Chino’s ass alone, like at the car wash or somewhere. Where we could talk, ya know?”

  “Yeah, I hear ya. Just leave it alone. I’m fine, thank you.”

  Delano became furious at my nonchalant attitude. “No, I don’t care. I am gonna handle my business. Fuck that nigga! He left you for dead, and you still give a fuck about him?” He was frustrated and threw his hands in the air, wondering what was up with me.

  “I don’t care.” I wiped a tear from my face.

  He screamed into the receiver. “Well, I care! That motherfucker is going to get handled.”

  I pleaded, “Delano, if you love me, just leave it alone.”

  “Don’t try that bullshit. I love you. That’s why he’s gotta be talked to, and when I see him, I am going to split his—”

  I cut him off, preventing him from saying the unmentionable, “split his wig back.” This meant murder in the streets, and who knew who was listening to us.