Avoiding the Badge

by Dorothy F. Shaw

  God knew she felt like vomiting. Moving into Tish’s living room, Rayna took a seat on the couch, and then she sent a text to Derek.

  The one ending their sham of a relationship.

  Maybe a text was a coward’s way out, but there was no way she was calling him directly; she didn’t want to hear his voice. And she sure as heck didn’t want to see him. He’d likely come to her house, which was why she went to Tish’s instead.

  Even if he came there looking for her, he couldn’t get in. He didn’t have a house key, or the garage code. Or anything.

  Rayna set her phone down and covered her face with her hands. Tears welled up once more, hard and fast, and then spilled, coating her cheeks and the palms of her hands. How could he have done this to her?

  Falling to her side on the sofa, she curled around her knees, and wept.

  Her phone rang, and she wiped her eyes, and then grabbed it. Seeing it was Derek, she silenced it. There was nothing to say. Nothing to talk about.

  It rang again, and she silenced it once more. Rayna squeezed her eyes closed and held her phone to her chest. No. Definitely nothing he could say to make this better. As she figured, her cell chimed with a text. Knowing it was likely from him, Rayna looked at the screen.

  Derek Hansen: Babe, I don’t even know what you are talking about. Please call me?

  Ugh! Such a liar! Babe... He was gutting her. Of course he didn’t know what she was talking about. As if she was crazy, and her eyes had imagined seeing what she saw. If only that were possible.

  Eyes don’t lie. People do.

  Fine, he didn’t know what she was talking about? She was more than delighted to fill him in.

  Rayna: I saw you at the park with the blonde, Derek. Don’t bother denying it. I saw you kiss. I saw your arms around her. I saw everything. Don’t call me. Don’t text back either. This is the last response you’re ever going to get from me. This is over!

  Derek Hansen: Holy shit, Rayna, please? Babe, I can explain. It’s not what it looked like. Please let me explain?

  Bile filled the back of her throat, the bitter taste making her gag. She covered her mouth with her hand and drew in a breath through her nose. Good grief, he sounded just like her father every time he tried to get out of being caught by Rayna’s mother. She was definitely going to get sick if she read another word from him.

  Unable to handle anything more from him, she shut off her phone and set it on the coffee table. Pulling a pillow against her chest, Rayna closed her eyes and tried to forget she’d ever met a man named Derek Hansen.

  A man she’d stupidly fallen in love with.

  A man she thought loved her.

  God, she was a fool.

  Chapter 24

  “Rayna, please call me back? Please?” With his stomach in a knot and an ache in his chest, Derek disconnected the call and paced in his bedroom. He was absolutely beside himself with fear, confusion and frustration.

  What the hell just happened? The obvious answer was that Rayna had seen him with Stephanie at the park, but how? Derek blew out a breath. Bottom line, how Rayna knew didn’t really matter. As far as she was concerned, he was guilty.

  He just wasn’t guilty of what she thought he was.

  He tried calling again, but this time the call went straight to voicemail. Fuck! She’d either shut the damn thing off or blocked him. Neither were a choice he wanted to face. He glanced at the clock. Ten thirty... Derek ran his palm over his head and then, closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose.

  He needed to report in for duty by noon, but how the fuck was he supposed to work like this? Goddammit! If he could only get her on the phone for five minutes, then he could explain.

  He pulled up the number to her vet clinic and hit the Call Contact button.

  “Hello, Family Animal Clinic. This is Billy, how can I help you today?”

  “Billy, it’s Derek Hansen, is Rayna busy?”

  “Hey, Derek! Always so good to hear from you.”

  Derek drew in a breath, trying for all he was worth to find a shred of patience left in him. “Thanks. Is she busy?”

  “No sir. She was here earlier, but then she got sick. Guess she didn’t have a chance to call you yet. Poor thing.”

  “No, no she hadn’t called me to tell me. Thanks, Billy. I’ll call her cell.”

  “Okay. Tell her we’re all thinking of her.”

  “Will do.” Derek disconnected.

  Screw this, if she could call in sick, then so could he. Considering his state of mind, there was no way work was a good idea anyway. He was way too distracted, and that’s how people, namely him, could get hurt. Heading back out to the kitchen, he put in a call to the station, and for the first time ever in his law enforcement career, he took a sick day—without actually being sick.

  Calling Axle to his side, he locked up the house and headed out to his truck. If she wouldn’t talk to him on the phone, he was going to get her to talk face to face.

  One way or another.

  * * * *

  “Rayna, honey, wake up.”

  Rayna heard Tish’s voice in the distance but felt like she was a million miles away from her friend.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  Rayna felt her shoulder shaking side to side.

  “Rayna?”

  Rayna frowned, her limbs heavy like she was stuck in mud. Drawing in a deep breath, she cringed at the ache in her chest and squeezed her eyes closed tighter as she let out a whimper.

  “Rayna! What’s wrong?”

  Jolted by Tish’s loud voice, Rayna finally opened her eyes. The room was dim, thank goodness, because her head was pounding like there was a jackhammer going to town on her brain like it was a street corner in need of repair.

  She looked up at Tish, and promptly started to cry.

  Tish dropped down on her knees beside the couch and pulled Rayna into a hug. “Oh my God, honey, what happened?”

  “I caught Derek with another womannnnn!” It was all Rayna could get out through heavy sobs. But it wasn’t like she needed to say anything else.

  “Oh my God...honey.” Tish rocked from side to side, rubbing Rayna’s back. “I’m so going to kick his ass!”

  “Nooo donnn’t.” Rayna sniffled, and another wave of tears hit her. “It’s mm...mmy own faulllt.”

  Tish pulled away. “The fuck it is! It’s his damn fault, Rayna. Not yours.” She wiped Rayna’s wet cheek, and then Tish’s eyes went soft, her brows drawing together. “Honey, I’m so sorry.” Tish pulled her into another hug. “So, so sorry.”

  Rayna sniffled and held onto her friend, trying for all she was worth to get herself under control. “Meee too.”

  After giving Rayna another squeeze, Tish got to her feet. “Let me grab you some tissues, and then I’ll make you some tea.”

  “Mmmkay.” Rayna nodded, sniffling as she wiped her cheeks. “Sorry for coming here. But I didn’t want to go home. I’m sure he already went there trying to talk to me.”

  “Honey, you know you can come here anytime you want. Mi casa es su casa.” Tish handed her the tissues. “Tea coming right up.”

  Rayna took the box, grabbed a fresh sheet and blew her nose. She lay back down, trying to navigate the minefield of emotions riddling her brain. Anger beat through her veins—anger at him and at herself. And a thick block of hurt filled her heart. More hurt than she’d ever felt in her life.

  After a little while, Tish was back, with two mugs of tea. She handed one to Rayna then sat on the sofa beside her. That was it. Rayna’s best friend didn’t say anything else, just stayed next to her. Rayna sipped her tea, and when the occasional tear slipped down her cheek, she swiped it away.

  Sometimes, when a heart is broken, there isn’t anything to say. Maybe not at first. Maybe not even after a little while. Maybe not ever.

  An
d sometimes that was enough.

  Chapter 25

  Derek woke with a jolt to the sound of the garage door opening. Sitting up, he realized, thanks to the bright sun shining in the windows, that it was the next day.

  Glancing at his watch, he cringed and rubbed his eyes. Six forty a.m. He’d fallen asleep on Rayna’s couch, waiting for her. Obviously, she’d never come home.

  Axle trotted toward the laundry room door and took a seat in front of it, waiting for her to enter. Derek’s truck was in the driveway, so likely she was either trying to prepare herself for having to see him, or she was calling the cops.

  He hoped for the former. Not that he wanted her in a place where she needed to brace herself to see him, but he’d prefer that to having to explain to the local PD, which was not the one he worked for, that he hadn’t entered her house illegally.

  Derek got to his feet but stayed by the sofa. She wasn’t the only one who had to brace for how this was going to go. When the door opened, Axle greeted her, all floppy ears and wagging tail.

  Immediately, Rayna cast Derek a look filled with so much ice, he felt the cold all the way across the room. But then, taking her gaze from his, she bent and stroked her palm over Axle’s head. “Good boy. Go lay down.”

  Derek shoved his hands in his front pockets. “Rayna, please can we talk?”

  Ignoring him, she moved around Axle and into the kitchen and set her things down. Then, still saying nothing, she proceeded down the hall to her bedroom. Derek wanted to follow, but then thought better of it.

  Instead, he headed for the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Twenty minutes later, Rayna emerged from her bedroom. Freshly showered, no makeup, hair pulled up in a ponytail and a pair of medical scrubs on.

  Derek swallowed the lump in his throat.

  His Doc.

  As beautiful as she’d ever been.

  He took one step to the side as she approached the counter where the coffee pot sat. He’d set out a mug for her, and had it prepped—the cream and three Splenda (even though she’d always said two) waiting inside it.

  She filled the vessel with coffee, stirred it, rinsed the spoon, set it aside and raised the mug to her lips. She did all of this without saying a word or sparing him even a glance. The vibe radiating off of her in bitter cold waves was a clear: “DO NOT ENTER.”

  Derek felt it. Every bit of it. All over his body. But he wasn’t about to let that stop him. This was it. He had one shot at explaining. One shot to do it face to face.

  After this, if she didn’t forgive him, he was quite sure she’d change the code to the garage and his access to her would be cut off. Done deal. Thanks for playing.

  “I know you don’t want to see me, and I know you don’t want to talk to me.”

  She stood in silence, staring out the window behind the kitchen sink, and sipped her coffee.

  “That’s okay, I understand. You don’t have to talk. You don’t have to look at me. All you have to do is listen. That’s all I’m asking for. And when I’ve said what I need to say, if you want me to go, I’ll go.”

  She blinked and took another sip of her coffee.

  Derek took a deep breath, knowing he needed to start talking, but not wanting to, because once he did and finished explaining, his fate, their fate, would be decided. The reality that she might not forgive him, or understand, had terror spilling into his veins and his heart galloping faster than any horse on the planet.

  He swallowed, looked down at the floor, then back to her. Another breath in, and then out. “I have a daughter.”

  Rayna flinched, but only barely. He paused, but when she said nothing, he continued. “She’s ten years old. Her name is Megan Rose, and she’s the light of my life.” He cleared his throat. “The blonde you saw me with is her mother, Stephanie, my ex-wife.”

  Rayna closed her eyes and, after a few moments, opened them again, only to stare out the window. Raising her cup to her lips, her hands were shaking.

  Swallowing, he went on. “Stephanie and I were college sweethearts. Just kids. Irresponsible ones, and she got pregnant. Call me stupid or chivalric, but I did the right thing and married her. This all happened right as we graduated college, and then I went straight into the Marine Corps.

  “But we knew, even before Megan was born, that we made better friends than husband and wife. What I’m trying to say is that we weren’t in love. I loved her, she loved me, yes, but we were never in love.

  “Megan was born, and we stayed together a little longer, but then divorced. She came back here to the Valley with Megan, and when I finished my stint in the service, I came back and applied for the police department.

  “We’re friends. We co-parent our daughter. Steph is remarried and has been for the last eight years. Her husband Steven is an awesome guy. He’s a great stepfather to my daughter. They have a daughter together, Hannah. She’s six and adorable. Next to Jeff, Stephanie is my best friend, hell, I look at her now like she’s a sister.”

  He started to reach for her but stopped himself. “You have to believe me when I tell you, Doc...what you saw on the bench was nothing more than a platonic kiss meant for my cheek that was poorly aimed. That’s it. I was telling her about you, and she got so excited for me she reacted by throwing her arms around me and attempting to kiss my cheek.” He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. God, was she really not going to say anything to him?

  Swallowing down the emotion that the reality of the thought caused, he steeled himself and went on. “I was afraid to tell you about Megan, and about Stephanie. Which sounds lame, I know, but it’s one hundred percent true. When we were first together, I waited to tell you. Naturally. There’s nothing wrong with that. But after a few weeks, things were progressing with us and I wanted to tell you. I planned to tell you on our way to Prescott, but I was nervous, you know?” He raised a hand in the air, then let it fall. “What if you didn’t like kids, or I don’t know, what if you didn’t want to deal with a guy who had a kid and an ex-wife. Plus, to be honest, the way you reacted that night we ran into that ridiculous woman, Stacie, at the Dry Desert Brewery, I was worried that you wouldn’t take kindly to me having an ex-wife.”

  Staying silent, Rayna took another sip of her coffee. Jesus, she was like a block wall, and aside from the two flinches when he started talking, she was giving him zero emotion. None at all.

  Derek cleared his throat again. “You probably remember, we talked about kids on the drive and you said you never wanted them. Or that you hadn’t thought about them in your life, that it had always been about your career for you. And, suddenly, I couldn’t tell you. How the hell could I tell you? But I knew I had to. I mean at some point, if we were going to have this relationship, which I wanted to have, which I still want to have, I had to tell you I had a daughter.”

  She blinked and looked down at her cup.

  Sighing through his nose, Derek ran his hand along the back of his neck. “So, I was going to tell you on the way home that weekend, but then you shared with me about your father and why you had issues with cops. All the shit he put you and your mother through, and Jesus, Doc, I couldn’t tell you then. You opened up, and I didn’t want to take that away from you. Plus, an ex-wife? For fuck’s sake, there was just no way you would be okay with that. I just knew it.”

  Unable to stand still any longer, he stepped away from the counter and started pacing behind her. “But then more time passed. And the more time that went by, the harder it became. Before I knew it, it was a secret I was keeping.” He stopped and stared at her back. “I never wanted to keep any secrets from you, Rayna. But there it was. A huge fucking secret. And fuck if I knew how to get myself out of the mess I’d unintentionally gotten into. I didn’t know how to tell you, and I was terrified you’d either leave me because I’d kept this secret, which never should’ve been a secret, or you’d leave me because I kept the secret and I had a
kid and an ex-wife that you didn’t want to deal with.”

  He stopped. “But, Doc, I’m telling you, what you saw on the bench...it was innocent. There’s been no one else for me since I laid eyes on you over six months ago. My only crime is not telling you about Megan and my ex. That’s it.” He moved back to her side and looked at her profile. “That’s everything. Now you know everything.”

  Minutes passed, felt like hours, but it wasn’t. After a while longer, she took the last sip of her coffee, rinsed the cup in the sink and put it in the dishwasher. She wiped her hands on the dish towel, folded it, set it down by the sink and then turned and looked at him.

  Feeling like he was going to bust out of his skin, Derek held himself still as she stared at him. She swallowed, her throat bobbing as she did. “Thank you for telling me. I need to go to work now, and I need you to leave and never come back.”

  Derek’s heart exploded in his chest, and his hands trembled. That was it? Just...I need you to leave. Never come back... “Rayna...” Her name came out of him so threadbare, he barely heard it himself. He cleared his throat. “Rayna, please...”

  She moved around him, grabbed her purse from the counter and stood by the laundry room door.

  Waiting.

  She was waiting for him to go.

  Defeat spilled into his gut and spread through his limbs. So much defeat he felt like he was moving through molasses. Derek drew in a breath and walked to the door where she stood. Axle was already there, and she had bent and pressed her lips to the dog’s head.

  A lump filled Derek’s airway, and his chest tightened with an ache he’d never in his life experienced. He looked at her, studied her, trying to memorize everything about her, everything he’d wanted to call his own. Rayna Michaels was the love of his life, and he had to let her go.