Sade's Secret

by Sparkle

  My mom was upset when she first learned the door had a lock on it and complained that this was her house and that she should have access to every room, but stopped complaining when I threatened to call the authorities again on Calvin if she didn't allow me to keep the lock on my door.

  Calvin beat on the door. “Sade, let me in. I just want to talk to you. I promise not to hurt you. I wouldn't hurt you and our baby.”

  “At least you're finally admitting it's your baby,” I yelled.

  “Open up. Come on,” Calvin begged.

  “No can do. I suggest you leave my door.”

  “I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to love you. Love you like I used to do,” Calvin said.

  “Never again.” I would do my best to stop him from ever touching me again. I think I would kill him before I let it happen. The day I found out I was pregnant was the day I vowed he would never touch me in that way ever again.

  “Come on Sade. You know you like it when I love you.”

  “Do you want me to call my mama so she can hear how you sound?” I threatened.

  “Okay, Sade. You win this round. But don't think you'll keep winning.”

  I put my ear up to the door and listened as Calvin stumbled away from my room. I left the door locked. My stomach growled. I used some of the money Calvin had given me two months ago for an abortion and bought me a small refrigerator. I kept it filled with snacks and drinks so if I got hungry or thirsty in the middle of the night, I could avoid Calvin and yes, even my mother.

  After drinking a bottle of water and eating a snack, I slipped under the covers and drifted off to sleep. I woke up in a cold sweat. I shot straight up in bed. It took a few seconds for it to register to my brain that it was only a nightmare that Calvin had been harassing me, that I was now awake. Awake and alone in my bed.

  ~20~

  JOYCE

  After my twelve-hour shift, I decided to go to the grocery store. I would have stopped at the convenience store if I had known the lines would be this long. While I waited on the slow cashier, my thoughts drifted to Sade. I'd been trying to help Sade deal with this situation. I thought going to the classes the social worker recommended would help, but Sade still seemed depressed. No matter how much I've persisted, Sade refused to divulge her baby's daddy name. Sade would repeat the pattern of raising her child without a father, but I decided that I wouldn't kick her out when the baby was born. I would do my best to help Sade raise my grandchild.

  This was not in my plans for her. I had hoped Sade would do better in life, but that wasn't Sade's destiny. Having a newborn in our lives would bring a lot of change; changes that I wasn't ready to go through, but at this point, had no choice.

  I smiled as I thought about how patient Calvin had been in the situation. Even though Sade was taking us through so many changes, he was hanging in there with me. In fact, he had insisted we marry sooner than later. I agreed with him. If we were married, Sade would have no choice, but to accept Calvin into our lives.

  The reason why I was in the grocery store was to purchase a pair of pantyhose. I had the next two days off. Today was a special day for me. No one knew, but Calvin and I had chosen this day to be our wedding day. While Sade's at school, Calvin and I would be going to the courthouse to get married.

  After being at the grocery store longer than I had anticipated, I went straight home. I wasn't expecting to come home to an empty apartment. Calvin was nowhere to be found. “Where could he be?” I asked aloud.

  Time was of an essence, so I figured Calvin would be back soon. I took a shower to get ready for our big day. After drying off in the bathroom, I rushed to the bedroom hoping to see Calvin. He still hadn't returned. I continued to get dressed. I pulled the dress over my head that I recently bought for this special occasion and then took extra care in applying my make-up and doing my hair. I liked the reflection I saw staring back at me in the mirror.

  The off-white, knee-length suit fitted my every curve. I was ready to do this, so where was Calvin? I glanced at the clock. We needed to be registered before ten so we could marry before the judge went to lunch. “Where is he?”

  Frustrated, I dialed Calvin's number. It rang several times and then the call would go to voicemail. Two hours later, I was still waiting on Calvin to return. Something bad must have happened, I told myself since he wasn't answering the phone or hadn't called. Distraught and resigned to the fact that our wedding wouldn't be happening on this day, I reluctantly undressed.

  I swiftly turned around at the sound of Calvin's voice.

  “Hey, baby,” Calvin said as he waltzed in wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, looking as if he had been playing ball.

  My veins almost popped out of my forehead. “Where the hell you've been?”

  “Hanging out with the boys.”

  I looked at the clock and then back at Calvin. “I've been waiting three hours for you. Did you forget? We were supposed to be getting married today.”

  “Oh, baby. I'm so sorry. With all the drama around here, it slipped my mind. Will you forgive me?” Calvin sat down on the bed next to me and attempted to hug me.

  I placed my elbow up, blocking his hug. Calvin ignored my gesture and leaned in anyway. “Come on, Baby. Don't be like that. I'm sorry. We still have time to get to the courthouse and get married before Ms. Thing gets home from school.”

  I was hurt that he had forgotten. This was supposed to be an important day for us. I should have taken this as a sign not to go through with it, but after looking at the clock and noticing the time, I said, “It'll be one before we get there.”

  “And. It won't take me, but a minute to change and you. You still look beautiful.” Calvin used one of his hands and brushed it across the curls that cascaded down my face.

  “I don't know. Maybe this was a sign. Maybe we should wait,” I voiced.

  Calvin jumped back. “Oh, I see. You're going to use this as an excuse not to marry me. Okay. Well, if you don't want me Joyce, there are other women who do.”

  “That's not what I'm saying Calvin. I was just looking at the time. We'll have to rush. I don't want our day spoiled.”

  “You're the one who’s spoiling it,” Calvin pouted.

  “Calvin, you know I love you.”

  Calvin turned and faced me. “If you love me, show me. Marry me today.”

  One look into Calvin's puppy dog eyes, I was a goner. I couldn't deny him my hand in marriage. “Yes. I'll do it.”

  “You sure? No more reservations from you? No more excuses?”

  “Calvin, let's get married. Let's tie the knot today as we originally planned,” I said.

  “Good. Now get your pretty self dressed again so we can get down to the courthouse.”

  A few hours later, without any fan fare, Calvin and I said, “I do.”

  The judge pronounced us “Husband and wife.”

  Calvin kissed me. “I love you,” he said, once we stopped kissing.

  I beamed with joy and pride as Calvin and I walked out the courthouse hand in hand as husband and wife. I was officially Mrs. Joyce Thomas. I glanced at the gold wedding band Calvin had slipped on my finger and smiled. This was a far cry from the wedding I had back in Shreveport, Louisiana, but I was still happy. I was married to the man I loved.

  ~21~

  SADE

  Going to school was just something to do. I no longer had the same drive to go like I did when I went to Booker T. I still hoped to get good grades because I wanted to see about getting a scholarship to one of the local colleges. Most of my classes were easy, compared to the classes I used to take, so keeping good grades wasn't a problem.

  When I arrived home from school, I was met at the front door by my mom. She seemed excited about something. She had a special glow about her. As I walked through the door, she said, “Sade, go put your books away. There's something I want to share with you.”

  “I'll be right back,” I responded. I rushed and put my stuff away and quickly returned to the living room
because I was eager to find out what she needed to tell me.

  “Have a seat.” She patted the sofa cushion next to her.

  I did as I was told. She grabbed my hand. “Baby girl, things are going to change around here for real.”

  A smile swept across my face. “You finally got rid of Calvin,”

  She frowned. “No, baby.” She held up her hand.

  My eyes zoomed in on the gold wedding band. I stared in disbelief.

  My mom went on to say, “Calvin and I got married earlier today. I'm now Mrs. Thomas.”

  Say what? My mouth dropped open. This felt like a swift kick in the guts. “But...why, mom? You just got engaged.”

  “Calvin wanted to go ahead and get married. I mean, we've been together for over five years. It's about time, don't you think?”

  She didn't really want to know what I really thought because if she did, she wouldn't have married Calvin in the first place. I listened to her go on and on. She sounded like a chatterbox. All I heard out of my mom's mouth was “Calvin. Calvin. Calvin. Calvin wanted this. Calvin wanted that.” My head felt like it was going to explode.

  She had a disappointed look on her face, but I don't know why she thought I would be happy about her news. She tried to ease my fears by saying, “I promise you things around here are going to change. So, please try to get along with Calvin. Please. For me.”

  I refused to fake my feelings. “Mama, I will never accept Calvin. Right now, I want to go to my room. I'm feeling sick.”

  She reached out and rubbed my stomach. “It's not the baby, is it?”

  “There's nothing wrong with the baby.” I pushed her hand away. I started to say, “It's you. You're the problem,” but I didn't. Instead, I got up and went to my room.

  As soon as I closed the door, the floodgates of tears flowed down my face. When would my nightmare ever end? My mom married the monster. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. I tried to catch my breath. I kneeled, stumbled over to my bed, and laid down. My attempts on taking a nap failed, so I called up Crystal and Dena to tell them the not so exciting news.

  They were just as shocked as I was. I didn't mean to turn my friends against my mother, but from their responses, I could tell they no longer liked my mom. I felt no sympathy for my mom because right now, I couldn't stand her either? The love was quickly fading away and hate was threatening to take its place. I'd tried to keep those negative feelings under lock and key, but this last move of my mom threatened to be the final thread to drive us further apart. I had to do something and do something quick. I couldn't lose my mom completely.

  My two BFFs attempted to ease my mind and did their best to get my mind off my current problems. Our conversation shifted and we discussed our upcoming showcase. “We only have a few more days to practice ladies,” Crystal reminded us.

  “Ugh. Y'all practice without me. I don't feel well.” I wasn't faking it either. I really didn't feel well. All of the stress was getting to me. All I felt like doing was curling up in the bed and going to sleep.

  “Well, you know your part. Listen to the tape when you're up to it and practice Sade.” Crystal said.

  “I will,” I responded.

  “We need you. So don't let us down, okay,” Crystal said.

  “I won't.” I'm not sure why Crystal thought I would let them down, but I wasn't in the mood to pursue the subject further.

  I hung up the phone and decided to write a diary entry. Tired and still frustrated, I put up my diary, laid back on my pillows and closed my eyes. I kept having a re-occurring dream. In the dream, Calvin and my mom were getting married. Each time, the preacher would ask, “Does anyone object to this man and woman getting married?” I would object, but Calvin would start laughing and turn to the preacher and say, “She doesn't count. Can we get on with this wedding?” The preacher would continue with the wedding and I was forced to watch the monster marry my mom.

  I gave up any hopes of having a peaceful night's rest. I turned on the television with hopes of finding a show to get my mind off my problems. No such luck. All of the shows were corny and boring. I flipped on my lamp and escaped between the pages of the book I had gotten from my mom's bookshelf months ago.

  I imagined my life as the main character. Like the character, I wished I had two loving parents. At this point, I wished I had one loving parent. As much as my mom claimed to love me, I no longer believed it. If she loved me, she would believe me when I told her things. She wouldn't have married the man who stole my innocence.

  The only person my mom Joyce loved was Calvin. I don't even think my mom loved herself. Even if she didn't believe me about what he did to me, what about the things he'd done to her. If my mom loved herself, she wouldn't have married Calvin because he's cheated on her more times than I care to count. Calvin was a leech and had been leeching off my mom as long as I could remember. My mom was just like some of the women I read about in magazines; desperate with low self-esteem.

  When I saw the wedding ring on her finger, the little respect I had for my mom dissolved into thin air. It's hard to respect a woman who continued to disregard her child's feelings. My mom did the ultimate no-no. She put a man before her child.

  I would never be as stupid as she was. I would never love a man more than I loved myself. I would never be like my mom.

  ~22~

  JOYCE

  At first, I thought after getting married, that life in the Thomas household would get better, but instead it got worse. Ever since I delivered the news of our nuptials to Sade, Sade has had an attitude with me. Maybe we should have checked Sade out of school so she could be there for the event. Maybe she was feeling left out. Maybe that was the problem. Then again, with Sade it's hard to tell. She's been so moody since she's gotten pregnant.

  “Why are you worried about her? She'll come around,” Calvin said as he wrapped his arm around me while we snuggled in the bed.

  “But, that's my baby. I hate to see her so upset,” I responded.

  “She's almost sixteen years old. You baby that girl too much. She has to grow up sometime. Look at her. She's about to have a baby.”

  “Don't remind me. I wish she would tell me who the real daddy of her baby is so I could at least talk to his parents. We will need some help and we will be putting him on child support.”

  “Give it up, Joyce. If she doesn’t want to reveal it, let it be.”

  “If she were your daughter, you wouldn't be saying that.” My body stiffened. I didn't feel like cuddling anymore.

  “Sade's like a daughter to me so I care.”

  I turned around and leaned on my elbow, coming face to face with Calvin. “Well, start acting like it. The tension between you two when you're in the same room is so thick.”

  “I've tried to reach out to her. That's your daughter. I've done the best I can to show her how much I care,” Calvin stated. His eyes shifted.

  “Try harder.”

  Calvin pulled me close to him. “Anything for you, but baby.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “I still don't see why you didn't let her get an abortion.”

  “I've told you, I don't believe in abortion and that's that.”

  “Whatever. Well, stop with the complaints. Realize you and her will be raising the child without the father in the picture.”

  “It still doesn't make it right.”

  “I know a way to help you forget everything,” Calvin whispered, as he kissed me.

  Less than an hour later, I had showered and gotten dressed for work. Before leaving, I wrote Sade a short note and slipped it under her door. I didn't like Sade keeping her bedroom door locked. She should have at least given me a key just in case she couldn't get out of bed and needed my help. Sade claimed she only had one key, but I'm sure she was lying. I let the issue slide. There was already enough tension between the two of us so arguing about a key wasn't that important.

  Calvin's snores could be heard all the way down the hallway. I wished I had the luxury
of staying at home and sleeping, but I didn't. My family was quickly expanding and I needed all the hours I could get to help keep a roof over our heads. Calvin was getting too old to hustle. He needed to be more responsible. Calvin wanted to be the head of the household so he needed to get his act together because he had a wife, daughter and soon to be grandbaby to think about. I made a mental note to talk to him about getting a real job later. Right now, I needed to leave so I wouldn't be late for work.

  After returning home from a twelve-hour shift, I didn't expect to come back to the sounds of Calvin and Sade arguing. Their voices were so loud, I heard them all of the way out in the hallway.

  I fumbled for my keys in my purse and burst through the door, “What the hell is going on here?”

  Both got quiet. Sade looked at me and then back at Calvin. “Ask him.”

  Sade crossed her arms and stared at Calvin. Calvin said, “I don't have time for this. Get your daughter under control or else.”

  “Tell her, Calvin. Tell mama why we were arguing?” Sade insisted.

  “Drop it. I'm getting out of here.” Calvin turned and walked away.

  Sade rushed and stood in front of Calvin to block him. “Not so fast.”

  I looked at Calvin and asked, “Calvin, what is Sade talking about?”

  Calvin, frustrated, raised and dropped his hand. “I asked her to tell me who the father of her baby is. I was trying to get the information for you, but she got a little hostile.”

  “That's a bald-faced lie. You wanted me to lie about who the father is. You know good and well, that you,” Sade stared at Calvin with venom in her eyes, “Are the father of my baby.” Sade rubbed her stomach.

  “Little girl, I'm tired of you lying on me.” Calvin raised his hand to hit Sade, but I ran in between them and blocked it.