Not Just Another Cowboy (Silhouette Special Edition)

by Finch, Carol

  Alexa forced a smile as she drove off to pick up one of Zack’s schoolmates for a romp through the park. “I’m here, just thinking.”

  “Must be deep thoughts.”

  The instant Zack and his friend, Sid, raced off to the merry-go-round, Deb wheeled on Alexa. “Okay, the boys are out of earshot. So what’s going on, sis?”

  “The only thing going on is that I’m tiling the dining room floor at the B-and-B,” Alexa said evasively.

  Deb pinned her sister with a dubious stare. “You’ve been distracted since you picked me up. I assume this has more to do with your weekend date than laying tile.”

  “The date was fine,” Alexa insisted.

  “Fine?” Deb echoed sarcastically. “Considering the way you and Butler were making sheep eyes at each other while you were dancing, immediately before you ducked out of the honky-tonk, I’d say the electromagnetic field surrounding you was sizzling with sparks.”

  “Drop it, nosy.”

  Deb eyed her sister for a long, ponderous moment. “So you slept with him,” she concluded.

  Alexa’s temper flared like a blow torch. “Did you sleep with the doctor?” she flung back.

  “Certainly not. It was our first official date,” she replied. “He did make a house call Sunday night, but we only rented a movie for the VCR.”

  Alexa stared into the distance, watching Zack and Sid barrel toward the trio of slipper slides. “I should have stayed home from that date,” she admitted miserably. “It was a mistake to think I could have a life outside the confines of the ranch. Chance will be leaving at the end of the week, and I don’t want him to go.”

  “Uh-oh.” Deb sighed audibly. “You did it, didn’t you? You fell for that handsome cowboy. I convinced you to take a walk on the wild side and I dressed you up like a Barbie doll. You were supposed to kick up your heels and live a little.

  “Oh, Alexa, I feel awful about this. I just wanted you to get away from all your responsibilities and enjoy yourself for the first time in years. I didn’t want to see you hurt and suffering!”

  It was only natural for Alexa to wrap her arm compassionately around her sister. Alexa had done it for thirteen years. She had become the shoulder Deb cried on when life dealt staggering blows. Even now, aching though Alexa’s heart was, she set aside her own feelings to console Deb.

  “It’s okay, sis. It’s not like this is the first disappointment I’ve had to overcome. I can handle it. Don’t worry about it.”

  “I’m responsible,” Deb muttered as she hugged Alexa close. “I opened my big mouth, tried to dole out advice and you took the fall. I should have known this was serious or you wouldn’t have contemplated accepting the date. You never accept dates. Criminy, what have I done to you!”

  “You wanted me to have a good time. I had a grand time, in fact. It’s my fault that I take things more seriously than you do. When you make up your mind that you’re dating for the simple pleasure of a man’s companionship you keep the situation light and carefree. But not me, I’m too much out of practice to keep my feelings casual.”

  Deb stared at her intently. “Does Chance know how you feel about him?”

  Alexa plunked down on the park bench. “I’m not certain how I feel,” she hedged.

  “Yeah, right,” Deb sniffed. “Are you in a state of denial here?”

  Yes, maybe she was. Alexa was too humiliated to come right out and tell her sister that she’d fallen in love with a rambler. But what did it matter if she had fallen in love? It changed nothing. Chance would still be just as gone this weekend.

  “You didn’t tell him,” Deb guessed accurately. “Does Howard suspect anything?”

  “No, thank goodness. If he knew, I expect he would have exploded long before now. Things seem to be progressing as usual with Howard, except that he mentioned Zack’s growing attachment to Chance, and is concerned about it.”

  “It seems to me I should introduce you to this friend of mine. I’ll make arrangements so the two of you can go out.”

  Alexa stared incredulously at Deb. “Are you out of your mind? That isn’t a solution to my problem.”

  “Sure it is,” Deb said enthusiastically. “First of all, it will take your mind off that cowboy. Secondly, it will allow Howard to adjust to the idea that you need a social life.”

  “No, it wouldn’t,” Alexa contradicted. “In Howard’s eyes, one date constitutes an unforgivable betrayal of Dan’s memory. Two dates would suggest I’m running fast and loose.”

  Deb waved away Alexa’s concern with the flick of her paint-splattered wrist. “This whole strategy is designed to give Howard the reality check he needs and to take your mind off Butler. Once Howard grows accustomed to the idea of your dating, he’ll simmer down, especially when he realizes you’re not serious about any of the men I set you up with.”

  “There are too many flaws in your scheme,” Alexa insisted. “No matter how casual the dates, Howard will think I’m fooling around, tarnishing the memory of my marriage. Howard never saw another woman after his wife died. He expects no less of me.”

  “You’re thirty years old and Howard is more than sixty, for crying out loud!”

  “That makes no difference to Howard. He believes in eternal loyalty, and I’m the one who has to live with him.”

  Deb slumped onto the park bench. “I totally disapprove of the hold Howard has over you. He should get down on his arthritic knees and thank his lucky stars that he has you. Instead, he makes you fetch and heel, has you afraid to enjoy male companionship, even on a casual basis.

  “And as for Butler, I’d like to kick his butt all the way back to Texas.”

  “Montana is his home state,” Alexa informed her.

  “Montana then,” Deb fumed. “If he isn’t as crazy over you as you are over him then he’s the world’s biggest fool!”

  “Just drop it, sis,” Alexa requested. “I’m going to be fine. Life will be back to normal by next week.”

  To Alexa’s relief, Deb backed off. She chatted about the cute odds and ends she had selected to decorate the bed-and-breakfast, then described her latest landscape painting. For the next hour, Alexa sat back and watched Zack enjoy himself. Not so long ago, that had been Alexa’s only form of entertainment.

  Her commitment was—first and foremost—to her son, Alexa reminded herself. That’s the way it was. That’s the way it would stay, no matter what the personal sacrifice.

  Chance tapped lightly at the kitchen door, prompting Alexa to glance up from the financial ledgers scattered on the table. “I came to get Zack. I promised to take him fishing when he finished his homework.”

  The words were no sooner out of his mouth than Zack appeared in the doorway. Sheer excitement glowed on his face.

  “Wanna come with us, Mom?”

  “I’d love to, but you men better go without me. I have bills to pay and a budget to balance.”

  Chance’s gaze remained fixed on Alexa while he held open the door for Zack. The distance growing between them bothered him. Not that he could do a damn thing about it. But that sadness he detected in Alexa’s luminous green eyes, even when she smiled, tore his heart out. He caught himself thinking that she was missing him, just as he was missing her. But then he reminded himself that if she fell in love with him, he wasn’t sure what he could do about it. The responsibility of being loved held too many pitfalls, especially around here.

  Chance knew Alexa well enough to realize that she wasn’t into reckless flings. He also knew her distaste for men of his profession. But something had sparked between them, something hot and wild and volatile. Hell, he still woke up in cold sweats, wanting her until he ached with it, telling himself he’d had all of Alexa that he was ever going to get.

  “Aren’t you coming, Chance?” Zack prompted.

  Chance mustered a carefree grin and turned away from his troubled thoughts, away from the woman who provoked them. “Sure thing, rookie. Let’s go bait some hooks.”

  Twenty minutes later,
Chance and Zack were sitting on a blanket, watching their colorful corks drift across the surface of the stream.

  “How long do we have to wait for the fish?” Zack asked impatiently.

  “Until the fish get hungry.”

  Zack frowned pensively. “We ate two hours ago. What time do fish have supper?”

  Just then Chance’s cork bobbled. “Better come help me, kid,” he requested. “I can’t stand up very fast on this gimpy leg. You need to be ready to take over for me if we get a bite.”

  Chance tugged on the line, ensuring the fish was snagged before he handed the fishing rod to Zack. “Reel it in and let’s see if we caught something.”

  Zack yanked back, just as Chance had instructed. When he reeled in again, he stumbled backward, plopping down on his rear. “Whoa! This must be a big sucker.”

  The fish ran away with the line, forcing Chance to lift Zack onto his lap so he could help reel in their catch.

  “Pull...reel,” Chance instructed.

  Zack did as he was told, his eyes glued to the stream, anxious to catch sight of the fish.

  “Again, kid. Don’t let the big sucker get away.”

  By the time they reeled in their catch, Zack was hopping up and down in excitement and yammering ninety miles an hour. “We did it. We really caught a fish!”

  Chance braced his weak leg to pull the channel cat ashore. “We won’t have to wonder what to have for supper tomorrow night, will we—?”

  When Chance tried to step sideways to steady himself, he realized Zack was underfoot, hoping for an up-close view of unhooking the fish. Chance shifted awkwardly on his unstable leg, then tripped over Zack.

  “Argh!” he yelped when his legs got tangled up with Zack’s. Thrown off balance, they both landed with a splash.

  Chance swallowed a mouthful of water before he could come up for air.

  Zack clambered to his feet in waist-deep water and stared apprehensively at Chance. “Are you gonna yell at me for tripping you up?”

  The kid looked so uneasy and miserable while he stood there with moss clinging to his shirt that Chance threw back his head and laughed. “No, rookie, I’m not going to yell at you,” he said between snickers. “I needed a bath after the hard day’s labor I put in.”

  The kid relaxed noticeably. “Sorry ’bout that, Chance.”

  “No problem,” Chance said as he floundered to his feet, still holding the wriggling catfish.

  “Hand me the knife from the tackle box,” he requested. “We’ll clean this sucker, right on the spot.”

  While Chance dressed the oversize channel cat Zack studied him intently. “Are you married?”

  “Nope.”

  “Neither is my mom. Not anymore.”

  “I know,” Chance murmured, wondering where this conversation was headed.

  Zack peered up at him very seriously and Chance felt that now-familiar tug on his heartstrings. “If you want to marry my mom, I can ask her if it would be okay with her.”

  Chance nearly sliced off his forefinger. “Um...well, kid, that’s not exactly how it works.”

  While Chance went about the task of skinning the fish, Zack peered questioningly at him. “How does it work?”

  Chance squirmed in his skin. Never had he imagined himself having this kind of conversation with a child He felt inadequate, awkward. “Well, the first thing you’re supposed to do is fall in love, then you make a commitment—”

  “What’s that?”

  “’That’s when you promise to care for someone, to look out for them, make them happy.”

  “Care for somebody, like when they’re sick?” Zack asked.

  “Not just when they’re sick, but all the time, even if you’d rather do something for yourself. But you don’t want to see that very special person in your life unhappy so you put their feelings and needs first.”

  Zack nodded thoughtfully as he watched Chance clean the fish. “You mean like when I want your leg to get better so it won’t hurt you anymore, but I don’t want it to get better because I know you’ll go away and never come back.”

  Chance swallowed the lump that suddenly clogged his throat. “Yeah, like that, kid. You want what’s best for someone you love, even if you have to sacrifice something you want to see them get it.”

  Wide, innocent eyes lifted to Chance. “That’s the way I love you,” he said honestly, openly. “I said my prayers and asked for you to be my dad.”

  “Ouch!” Chance shook off the burning sensation. Zack’s comment had caught him off guard, causing him to cut a chunk out of his finger.

  “You okay, Chance?”

  “I’m okay,” Chance mumbled.

  But he wasn’t the slightest bit okay. This kid was killing him by inches, making him want things he wasn’t sure he deserved, things he wasn’t sure he could handle, especially since his father had proved such a lousy role model for him.

  Chance had no positive experience to draw upon when it came to raising children. He wasn’t sure how to offer guidance to this young boy. Damn, how’d he get into this mess in the first place?

  “I never had anyone to teach me to play baseball and basketball, except Mom. She’s not too good at it, but I didn’t tell her that,” the boy confided. “I never had anyone to take me fishing before, either. The other kids at school do this kind of stuff all the time with their dads.”

  The kid was breaking Chance’s heart. He felt himself getting so choked up that he couldn’t breathe. And damn it, he was a grown man, callused with years of hard lessons and unpleasant experience.

  No one had been around to do those things with Chance, either. He’d grown up thinking it was his fault his parents divorced, his fault that neither parent wanted anything to do with him. Since his arrival at Rocking T, Chance had found himself offering Zack uncounted hours of fatherly companionship, hoping he could make a small difference in the boy’s life, hoping it would be enough.

  But would it ever be enough? There was an empty space in Zack’s life and he was reaching out, looking for someone to fill it. Zack was a bright kid. He knew his friends shared a closeness with their fathers, a closeness that he was missing. Zack needed a man in his life, but Howard forbade it. Howard, good as he was to the boy, couldn’t supply all the things Zack needed.

  Chance felt the impulsive urge to haul this adorable kid off with him, to become the father Chance had never had himself. But, of course, that was an impossibility. Zack’s place was with his mother and grandfather, not some rambling cowboy who had nowhere to call home.

  Damn, Chance thought to himself as he gave way to the urge to hug Zack. He had warned himself not to get too attached to the kid, knowing they would both be hurt. Chance had known better, yet here he was, hugging the stuffing out of Zack and receiving a hug in return.

  Chance sighed, defeated. He’d turned out to be as big a sucker as the fish.

  Chance propped himself up on the examination table at the health clinic in Willowvale. Empty bottles of pain pills and muscle relaxers were stuffed in his shirt pocket. As soon as the physician refilled his prescriptions he was leaving Rocking T. The whole situation had gotten to him, and besides, he had long since paid the entry fees for the rodeo in Fort Worth.

  He had to get out of here, Chance kept telling himself. It wasn’t because he was restless, anxious to return to the rodeo circuit. It was because of Alexa and Zack. He’d let them get too close, let them matter too damn much.

  Leaving was going to kill him, he knew.

  Staying would kill him, too.

  Seeing Alexa without being able to touch her, without being able to toss a teasing comment to make her smile was torment, pure and simple. Hiding his feelings from Howard made him feel devious and ungrateful. But damn it, Chance was between the proverbial rock and hard spot.

  That fishing expedition with Zack the previous night had been another form of torture for Chance. The kid had gotten entirely too attached, starting to dream up ways to ensure Chance remained at Rocking T. To
a child, things seemed so simple and uncomplicated, easy to fix. To adults, things like conflicting emotions and outside influences muddied the water.

  Accepting the responsibility of another man’s family, especially the Tipton family, was overwhelming to Chance. He had so few family experiences to draw upon. What if he followed the insane impulse to stay a while longer, then turned out to be as big a jerk as Dan Tipton? What if the call to follow the only life-style he knew and understood got so intense that he took his frustration out on Alexa and Zack?

  No, Chance told himself for the umpteenth time, he had unintentionally disrupted life at Rocking T too much already. He had stirred up emotions he’d kept dead and buried since childhood. His heart and head kept battling over what was the right thing to do. Heaven knew, Chance’s attempt to do his good deed for the year had caused more complications than he’d ever imagined.

  When the door swung open, Chance manufactured a cheerful smile for Kurt Stevenson, M.D. “Howdy, Harvard.” Chance thought the teasing nickname fit the Easterner perfectly. “How’s the world treating you?”

  Kurt returned the smile. “Can’t complain.” He glanced at the information sheet on the clipboard that Chance had filled out during his stint in the reception room. “How many times have you injured this strained knee of yours?”

  “This year?” Chance asked nonchalantly. “Just once.”

  Kurt raised a sandy-colored brow. “This is an aggravated injury, I presume. You failed to fill in that particular blank on the questionnaire.”

  Chance grinned. “My hand was getting tired of writing. You know how us cowboys are, Doc. All we know is how to hang on to the back of a bronc and bull.”

  “Right.” Kurt smirked wryly. “My educated guess is that the code of rodeo cowboys states than anyone who fusses and whines about his injuries is labeled a sissy. Therefore, answering medical questionnaires is taboo.”

  Chance chuckled. “You catch on quick, Harvard. That’s where the phrase ‘cowboy up’ applies. Riding and competing while injured is a way of life on the suicide circuit. The only time you back down is when you can’t physically hold your seat on a saddle.”