by Rachel Clark
“We’re just going to relax in front of the television,” Ryan said with a wink, “but we wouldn’t object to getting some lunch delivered.”
“Of course,” he said, feeling a little silly. He’d been so focused on what Kat might need in an emotional sense that he hadn’t actually given food a thought. Considering his chosen vocation, it was a little disconcerting. He moved toward Ryan, watching Kat’s reaction to make certain she didn’t feel crowded, and then pressed a kiss to his lover’s mouth. “Any preferences?”
“I love everything you make,” Ryan said with a smile, his warm hand caressing Jay’s hip. “Whatever you bring with you will be fine.”
Jay smiled again at his lover. In a single sentence he’d managed to give Jay permission to deliver their food himself, and reassure Kat that she wouldn’t have to deal with anyone else for the time being. It also went a long way in stilling the panic he was beginning to feel in his own heart. Intellectually he understood that Kat wasn’t rejecting him, that she was only concerned for his restaurant business, but a small insecure part of him worried that she hated him for not protecting her that night.
“We’ll see you soon,” Ryan said as he turned Kat toward the elevator.
Jay watched until the doors closed behind them, and then stood there for a moment longer. He needed to pull himself together. He couldn’t do any good for Kat if he was an insecure mess himself.
* * * *
Kat noticed the changes in Jay’s apartment. It was obvious that Ryan lived here now, but it was also obvious that he wasn’t completely comfortable just yet. From the long talks they’d shared while she lay in the hospital recovering, Ryan had seemed the opposite to Jay in many ways. In fact, she was pretty sure he’d described himself as a bit of a slob. Everything in the apartment was neat and tidy and even though it contained some pieces of furniture she guessed belonged to Ryan, very little had changed.
“When did you move in?” she asked curiously.
He looked at her as if wondering if she’d forgotten. Considering the way her brain had been working the past few weeks, it wasn’t necessarily an unfair assumption.
“Sorry,” she interrupted quickly before he could answer, “I know you live here now. I just can’t remember how long ago you moved in.”
“I’ve only been here about a week or so,” he said with a soft smile. “I think Jay might have left it a little longer before inviting me into his life, but he wanted to be certain you would be protected.”
“That’s why you moved in?” she asked, horrified. Hell, learning the man she loved was gay had come as a shock, but the possibility that Jay would do something outside his nature just to protect her had her hyperventilating. Fuck, he wasn’t cruel enough to use Ryan like that, was he?
“Hey, it’s okay, Kat. Breathe slowly, baby girl,” Ryan said, his eyes filled with worry as she gasped for air. “I moved in because I love Jay. Being here to protect you is just a bonus.”
“But, he—” She cut her words off, terrified by the possibilities running through her brain. There was no way she wanted to voice her suspicions out loud. Fuck, she’d known Jay would do anything to protect her, but surely he wouldn’t be so self-sacrificing as to pretend he was gay just to be certain she was safe.
“Kat, relax. Slow deep breaths.” He held her hand lightly as he led her to the sofa and urged her to sit down. Again he squatted near her, giving her the impression that she was safe without being trapped. He stayed there, calmly waiting for her to regain her control. “What happened?” he asked as she finally began to breathe normally. “What triggered the panic?”
She blushed furiously, angry at herself for her unfair, but thankfully silent, accusations against the man who thought of her only as his best friend. Jay was a good man. He wouldn’t treat anyone like that. Holy fuck, what had she been thinking?
“Kat?”
She shook her head. “Sorry, I’m not sure. I just…” But her words trailed off, unable to voice the lie. She knew what triggered the panic, and it seemed so unfair to not tell the man the truth. “It’s not important.”
“Look at me, baby girl,” he said in a soft tone. “Anything that triggers a panic attack is important. If we can identify what sets them off, Jay and I can help you cope with them before they become a problem.” He gave her a curious look. “Is it because Jay wasn’t into men before he met me?”
“Kind of,” she admitted, hoping that Ryan would be satisfied with the short answer. Unfortunately the man saw way more than she was comfortable with.
“You’re worried that he only thinks he’s gay because of everything that happened to you.” It wasn’t even a question. Just a quiet statement of fact.
She shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I don’t really know what I think.”
“How about you let me worry about my relationship with Jay, and you just concentrate on getting well?” he asked with a kind smile. “Only time will tell if things are going to work between me and Jay.” And then as if that was the end of the conversation, he turned the subject to more practical matters. “Television or DVD? I’m not sure what Jay has in his collection, but mine are mostly sci-fi. I think yours are in your room if you want me to get them.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head as she tried not to think about the reason her stuff was here and not at her own place. She doubted she would ever be able to even drive past her old home again. Jay and Ryan had salvaged what was salvageable of her belongings and thrown out everything that wasn’t, finalized the lease, and moved her into here all while she’d been in hospital. As cowardly as it made her feel, she was very grateful that it wasn’t something that she would eventually need to deal with. “I’m actually pretty tired. Why don’t you pick something you like and I’ll just doze on the sofa beside you?”
“I don’t mind if you want to go to bed, Kat.”
“No,” she said way too quickly. His eyes narrowed momentarily, but he hastily hid his concern behind a wide smile. She didn’t want to be alone. Not yet.
“Okay.” He reached over, placed a couple of cushions at the end of the sofa and encouraged her to get comfortable. Once she was settled—not exactly a quick or easy task thanks to the lingering effects of her injuries—Ryan turned to the television cabinet, selected a DVD, and got it set up. “Are you warm enough?”
She nodded, but he merely grinned and pulled a soft blanket from the footlocker that seemed to double as a coffee table. He was very careful not to overwhelm her as he placed it over her feet and lower half of her body. All she would need to do is reach down and pull it up higher if she felt cold.
“Thank you,” she said as tears filled her eyes. He’d done so many wonderful things for her, and asked for nothing in return. “For…for everything.”
He gave her a crooked smile, nodded, and then settled his big frame on the floor at the far end of the sofa—again he was close enough for her to feel safe, yet far enough away for her to feel comfortable. She closed her eyes as the movie started, and instead of losing herself in the familiar music and dialogue of one of her favorite sci-fi movies, found herself instead trying to understand the phobias she’d developed since the attack.
The one about not being touched was fairly obvious. Even in hospital the only time she’d let anyone touch her had been for unavoidable medical reasons. She’d accidentally flinched away from Jay’s friendly kisses so often that he’d stopped trying to give them to her. The doctors had even needed to sedate her once when the surgeon had dropped by to check she was healing properly. Just the thought of letting anyone near her most vulnerable spots set her heart pounding with fear, her vision blurring, and her muscles twitching with a fight-or-flight response.
But it was the other, more bizarre phobias that confused her.
Panic literally clawed at her whenever she saw someone wearing mirrored sunglasses. It didn’t make any sense. Kent had worn very dark prescription sunglasses, not mirrored ones, and he hadn’t worn them at all
during the attack. She couldn’t explain her reaction to them, and she sure as hell hadn’t mentioned it to the counselor at the hospital. The hospital may have provided her with the illusion of safety, but she’d had no wish to stay indefinitely.
That could probably be counted as a phobia as well. She’d kept a lot of details about the attack and her fears and just about everything else to herself. The counselor they’d sent to talk to her had seemed sweet but Kat hadn’t been able to trust the woman enough to tell her any of the things that really bothered her. Paranoia had been her constant companion since Kent had savagely stripped away her self-confidence.
And she had no idea how to explain where her fear of hot water had come from. It had happened so gradually she couldn’t even be sure that it was related to the attack. For the past week in the hospital her showers had gotten cooler until she couldn’t even force herself to touch the hot-water tap. Even in her own mind it seemed truly ridiculous. She hated cold showers, yet that’s exactly what she’d chosen to have every day in the past week. Her only theory was that it was somehow her mind’s way of countering the burning feeling she got in her chest during a panic attack.
“Kat?” Ryan’s deep voice pulled her out of her inner reflection. She hadn’t even noticed the movie was paused. “Baby girl, tell me how I can help you.”
Another sob tore from her throat and she finally realized she’d been crying for some time. Her eyes felt red and swollen, her sinuses clogged and aching, her throat raw and burning. Fuck. She was home. She was safe. She trusted Ryan and Jay. Why the fuck was she feeling like this?
She reached for Ryan, terrified that he was going to leave. She heard his soft sound of surprise as she awkwardly climbed off the sofa and crawled onto his lap, but his arms closed carefully around her, holding her safely against him. He rocked slightly, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head as he rubbed her back soothingly.
God. The fear of being touched was still there, but it was overridden by the fear of being alone. She was a freaking basket case, and instead of running from her, Ryan was offering her the comfort she needed.
She flinched when she heard the elevator door slide open. The last thing she wanted was for Jay to worry about her, but she seemed doomed to hurt him over and over. She tried to scramble out of Ryan’s embrace—not exactly easy when her arm was still in plaster and she was sore all over—but he tightened his grip very slightly and whispered words of comfort.
Jay didn’t say anything. He just came and sat beside Ryan on the floor in front of the sofa. She felt his warm presence, but he didn’t touch her in any way. He just lent his silent strength to both of them.
Finally the sobs abated, her tears drying for the time being, and she slumped exhausted against Ryan’s strong chest.
* * * *
“Asleep?” Jay whispered the question, his heart aching for the pain Kat was going through. When he’d found her enclosed in his lover’s embrace he hadn’t felt a moment’s jealousy. Instead, he’d been very relieved that he’d fallen in love with such an amazing man.
“I think so,” Ryan whispered.
Jay leaned over and very carefully brushed a tangled piece of limp blonde hair out of Kat’s eyes. Her face was red, her nose and lips swollen, her skin very pale, and for the millionth time Jay cursed the man who’d done this to her. He’d never hated anyone enough to want to kill before, but the urge to go after Kent was incredibly strong. Jay was very glad the man had been remanded in custody. If there had been a chance that he could pass Kat’s attacker on the street, there was no telling what he might have done.
“We should rethink the sleeping arrangements.”
Surprised, Jay held his breath as he waited for Ryan to explain.
“I don’t think she’s going to be able to sleep in a room by herself.”
Jay tried to hide the excitement that he felt at having Kat so close. Fuck. He was in love with Ryan. How could he still be attracted to Kat? And how could he even think of Kat in those terms after everything that had happened to her. She needed a best friend now more than any other time in her life. Fuck.
“What do you suggest?” Jay asked, trying not to reveal his inner turmoil.
“I’m not really sure,” Ryan said slowly. He watched Jay with those eyes that missed nothing, and lifted a hand to touch Jay’s face. “What is it, babe?”
They’d only known each other a few weeks. How the hell could Ryan know him so well?
Jay glanced at the woman he’d loved for a long time and wondered if telling Ryan about his attraction to his best friend would ruin their fledgling relationship.
“For a long time I thought I was in love with her, but I never pursued it because I didn’t want to risk the one solid relationship I have.” He hesitated and for a moment considered lying, but realized that Ryan had a right to know. “But even now I feel an attraction to her. I don’t understand how I can be in love with you and still want more from my best friend than the companionship we’ve shared our whole lives.”
But instead of seeming shocked, Ryan just smiled. He went to say something but Kat stirred, whimpering slightly as she snuggled closer. Ryan held her, rocking slightly, whispering words of reassurance.
For a breath-stealing moment Jay worried that she’d overheard his whispered admission, but thankfully she settled against Ryan once more, apparently never fully awake.
* * * *
Ryan held the woman closer and sent a reassuring smile his lover’s way. Ever since her drug-induced confession to loving Jay, Ryan had wondered if the emotions went both ways. He wasn’t really surprised to learn that they did. And after a lifetime of thinking he was straight, the emotions Jay felt were bound to linger. Being bisexual himself meant that Ryan did understand what it was like to be attracted to more than one person at a time.
“Are you sure she doesn’t know?” he asked quietly, very careful not to wake the woman sleeping in his arms.
“She’s never said anything,” Jay said. But they both knew that wasn’t entirely true. In the hospital she’d admitted being in love with Jay.
“Perhaps she never said anything for the same reasons you’ve never said anything.” Ryan felt his heart clench at the thought that maybe Jay and Kat were meant for each other. Maybe that was the only reason Jay had fallen for him. It was a way of being in love with someone else without betraying the woman he loved.
Hell, could life get any more complicated?
“It’s okay to love her, Jay. Even if that goes beyond the best-friend boundaries.”
“But I love you, too,” Jay said anxiously.
“I know,” Ryan said as determination to help these two people find happiness filled his mind. He’d do whatever he could to bring them together.
Even if that meant having his own heart broken in the process.
* * * *
Kat woke suddenly, the music that signaled the end of the movie startling her awake.
“Hey,” Ryan said quietly, “welcome back.” His arms were still around her, but his hold was very loose, showing her without words that she was free to move away if she needed to. She snuggled closer, needing to hear the steady beat of his heart.
“That’s not exactly a polite way to watch a movie with a friend,” she said in a sulky voice, even though she’d tried to make it sound like a joke. She sighed quietly. “I promise to try harder to stay awake next time.”
“Not a problem,” Ryan said as he ran a warm hand gently up and down her spine. Considering how little she liked to be touched these days it was surprising how comfortable she felt in her Jay’s boyfriend’s embrace. Hell, she really should move away. The man was gay for heaven’s sake.
“Sorry,” she said as she finally moved off his lap and back onto the sofa. She patted the cushion beside her, inviting Ryan to move off the cold floor. Considering that he’d spent the entire three-hour movie on the hard tiles with her lying all over him he was probably stiff and sore as well.
“Kat,” he said in tha
t comforting voice she was already addicted to, “Jay and I discussed it and decided to move your bed into our room. We’ll be three feet away if you need anything.”
Kat blushed, tears filling her eyes at Ryan’s kindness. She blinked them away, not wanting to worry the man even more. A part of her wanted to decline the offer, but a far larger part knew it was the only way she’d be able to sleep. “Thank you. I’m so sorry to be a problem.”
“Hey,” he said, opening his arms so that she could crawl back into his embrace. This time she didn’t hesitate. She felt safe in Ryan’s arms. Considering that she hadn’t felt truly safe since the attack, it was a relief to find something that held the fear at bay for a while. “There’s no problem, sweetheart. Anything you need, anything at all, you just let me or Jay know.”
“Thanks. I’m—” But she cut off her words when she realized the ramifications. “Oh, God, that’s going to…ah…curtail your sex life.”
“Not if you want to watch,” he said with a soft laugh.
She blushed furiously but had no idea how to respond to that. Was it weird that the thought of Ryan and Jay making love made her feel happy? After what her attacker—she refused to use that animal’s name—tried to do to her, she couldn’t imagine trusting anyone enough to let them touch her in a sexual way ever again, but the idea of watching the two men have sex was surprisingly appealing.
She was still rolling that interesting idea over in her head when she realized that as Jay’s best friend she should probably be appalled at the idea. Hell, she’d been so muddled up lately that even she was forgetting that Jay didn’t love her in that way.
“I love him,” she blurted before she could think better of it. It seemed far less problematic to confess that truth than try to explain why the idea of watching a man she was supposed to just be friends with have sex with another man actually turned her on.