by Rachel Clark
Even that thought was surprising. Arousal wasn’t something she’d ever thought she would feel again. Of course voyeurism was a far safer notion than being touched herself.
She was so busy analyzing and overanalyzing every strange thought running through her head that she almost missed Ryan’s reaction. She practically had to rewind the conversation in her memory before his words sank in.
“Y–You know?” she stammered nervously. “H–How? I mean…oh, God, please don’t tell Jay. It would just embarrass him.”
“Sweetheart, I think he knows, too, and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way.”
“Why didn’t he ever say anything?”
“I suspect for the exact same reasons you didn’t.” He moved his hand into her hair, massaging her scalp very lightly as she relaxed against his chest once more. “With both your families gone yours is the only long-term relationship you each have left. I can understand wanting to hold onto that.”
She nodded, closing her eyes against the tears that wanted to fall again. “I think it’s partially why I rushed into a disastrous marriage. I didn’t trust myself not to do something stupid around Jay, so getting married to a guy I barely knew seemed like such a good idea when I was twenty. Hell, I was still grieving for my parents. I learned pretty quickly it was stupid mistake.”
“We’ve all made those,” Ryan said kindly. “It’s ancient history now.”
She smiled at the way his soft, deep words made her feel. Ryan was truly a special man. She was very glad Jay had found someone as amazing as Ryan to love him, so why did the thought make her feel a little bit miserable?
* * * *
Ryan held Kat close and tried not to think about what might happen now. Kat and Jay had loved each other their entire lives.
It seemed so unfair that Ryan would finally find a place where he actually felt like he belonged only to realize he was just a temporary part of their lives. Kat and Jay were the couple—even if they had yet to realize it. He was the extra wheel, the odd man out. He was the one who would eventually need to go.
But until then, until Kat was feeling safer and Jay felt comfortable loving a woman he’d classified off limits, Ryan planned to stay.
It was probably very selfish of him to not back away right now, to call a halt to the lovemaking he and Jay indulged in, but he couldn’t summon the strength to deny himself that closeness. He loved Jay—Kat too, if the truth be told—but he loved them both enough to walk away and give them a chance at a life together.
He held Kat closer and silently promised not to outstay his welcome.
Chapter Eight
Kat woke slowly, not really able to identify what had thrown her from a deep sleep, but it was the fact that Jay wasn’t still in the bed on the other side of the room that threw her into a panic. It had been nearly three months since she’d moved in with Ryan and Jay. Even as she scrambled out of bed and practically ran into the living area, she berated herself for her foolishness. She should have found a way to cope with these phobias months ago. No matter what Ryan and Jay said about these things taking time.
She practically skidded to a halt when she heard the soft mumble of Jay’s voice, her panic instantly easing when she realized he was talking to Ryan. He’d been on the late shift, so it was probably very early in the morning. She crept closer, shamelessly eavesdropping on their conversation, only to blush furiously a moment later when she realized what they were doing.
Hell, how selfish was she? She’d practically lived underfoot for their entire relationship. She’d only heard the soft sounds of their lovemaking a couple of times since moving into their room, so it was obvious that she was intruding on the time they should have been able to spend together.
Still shaking from her earlier panic she tried to convince herself to turn around and go back into the room. “It’s okay to come in, Kat,” Jay said as she finally realized she hadn’t been quiet in her panicked dash to find them.
“I…um…don’t want to interrupt.”
“That’s okay,” Ryan said in a tight voice, “because we have no plans to stop. Come on in, baby girl.” He grunted softly as Jay apparently did something wicked. “You know you want to watch.”
Hell, yeah. She actually did want to watch. She wanted it more than anything, but ever since finally admitting to Ryan that she loved Jay she’d realized how little she had to offer her best friend now. Since the attack any sort of physical relationship seemed impossible for her to even imagine. It was actually wonderful to see him and Ryan building a close relationship. She should be a good enough person to let them keep that. Lord knew she was in no position to give Jay anything but phobias and drama.
It didn’t help that she fell more and more in love with Ryan every day either. The fact that he seemed determined to push her and Jay together was both confusing and terrifying. It was true that she loved Jay, and when she thought of a future with a husband and children she couldn’t imagine it without him, but now Ryan was also there in her heart.
She wasn’t ready yet for any of it—maybe she never would be—but she couldn’t deny the love she felt for both men. They’d been her strength when her own had fled, and they’d been beside her every step as she’d clawed her way back to living. She’d barely held herself together just going back to work last week, but she’d known both Ryan and Jay would be there to hold her and offer comfort when she got home.
And every day things got a little easier. The fear and strange reactions still plagued her but she’d gotten better at coping, at dealing with the fallout to whatever set her nerves on edge. She’d even gotten better at hiding those moments from the people around her. It probably seemed a little strange, but she hated the exposure of her weakness even more than the weakness itself, so being able to control the obvious physical reactions was a tremendous relief.
And of course there were the phobias—like her avoidance of hot water—that had pissed her off so much that she’d forced herself to face them time and again until they’d no longer held any power over her. She still avoided mirrored sunglasses, the phobia too strange to explain and thankfully, too trivial to matter in her day-to-day life.
She was coping. And she was moving forward, slowly.
Kat peeked through the doorway, surprised to find both men still dressed. She’d been certain by the soft noises that they’d been doing far more than just kissing.
Ryan wrapped his arms around Jay from behind as they turned to face her. The grins they both wore suggested they were very pleased that she’d come into the room at their invitation. She was certain they could see her disappointment.
“You’re up early,” Jay said, grinning when Ryan’s hands roamed over his abs and chest. “It’s Sunday.”
“I know,” she said, not certain if she was irritated by the reminder or not. Going back to work certainly helped her keep track of the days, but she had spent quite a long time dragging herself through the endless hours as she’d recovered physically and then tried to tackle every other issue that being attacked had caused.
“Kat?” Jay asked as he stepped out of Ryan’s embrace.
“I’m okay,” she said, shaking her head, trying to get herself together even as she cringed at her best friend’s concern. Except that despite everything, despite her best intentions, despite the man standing on the other side of the kitchen who loved the man dearly, Kat could no longer think of Jay as just her best friend. She hadn’t for a long time, maybe even longer than she was willing to silently admit. Too many things had happened for her to continue denying the love she felt for the man she’d known all her life. “I’m okay,” she said again.
“No, you’re not,” Jay said stepping closer and pulling her into his embrace. “What’s going on, Kat? Let us help you, sweetheart.”
She shook her head. “I think you’ve helped enough,” she said, trying to sound brave despite the dread flooding her stomach. “Maybe it’s time I got a place of my own and gave you two some space.”
&nbs
p; “Space?” Ryan asked in a voice that didn’t sound anything like his usual soothing tone.
“Kat,” Jay said, glancing at his lover, “we don’t want you to go.”
“But I should go.” Damn, she’d meant to sound stronger. “I need to go.” And, fuck, that would have sounded a whole lot more confident if her voice hadn’t quavered with fear.
“Stop,” Ryan said, stepping around Jay and pulling her into his embrace. She blinked furiously as tears threatened to undo her bravado—the little she had left. “Kat you belong here with Jay. This is your home. No more talk about moving out.”
“But you need your space. Hell, the least I can do is move back into my own room.”
“Or you could move closer,” Ryan said, his arms tightening slightly as if he hadn’t really meant to say the words.
“Closer?” she asked, making eye contact with Jay as he smiled at his lover as he cuddled her closer in the middle of his kitchen.
“Jay needs you in his bed, baby girl. You’ve loved each other for a long time. You’re not going to destroy the friendship you have. You’re both stronger than that.”
“But what about you?” she asked as her heart both pounded with love and squeezed with dread.
“Ryan?” Jay asked as his face paled. He seemed as off-balance as Kat felt. Obviously Ryan’s suggestion wasn’t something that Jay had been expecting either.
“It’s okay, babe,” Ryan said reaching over to haul Jay into his embrace as well. “I want you both to be happy.”
“But you make Jay happy,” Kat said, her voice thick as she shared Jay’s grief. She’d been certain that Ryan loved Jay. Had she been wrong? Was Ryan seizing the first chance he could see to walk away from them both?
“I wish that was true,” Ryan said in a tone that carried far more emotion than she guessed he intended to convey, “but he needs and loves you, Kat. He’s the man you love and trust. You two have a beautiful future together. Maybe when the time is right you can get married and have babies and dinner parties with other couples, and a house with a picket fence in the suburbs…the whole nine yards.”
Jay snorted in a tone that clearly conveyed his disbelief.
Pain lanced through Kat’s chest, but she desperately tried not to show it. Jay loved Ryan. She knew that in her heart. She knew that. Why was Ryan even suggesting this?
“If you want to leave, Ryan,” Jay said in a hoarse voice, “then fucking leave. Don’t make excuses. Don’t try and sugarcoat it. If you don’t love me, leave!”
Kat stepped out of Ryan’s embrace, angry now herself.
“Baby girl,” Ryan said, reaching a hand to her. She slapped it away, annoyance overruling her need to feel safe.
“Jay loves you,” she said, her voice cracking as she moved to stand near the man who’d always protected her, always made her feel safe. Hell, until five minutes ago she’d thought the same about Ryan.
“Jay, you know I’m right. You know you love Kat.”
“Don’t tell me what I feel,” Jay said, his voice an angry growl. “If you love me, stay with me. If you don’t, then leave. Just don’t pull Kat into the middle of this. She’s been through enough.”
Ryan’s eyes widened, air whooshing out of him as if he’d been struck.
“Do you really think I’d hurt Kat just so I could walk away?” he asked in a voice far rougher than any she’d heard from Ryan before. His eyes were bright and it was clear that he was hurting, that he hadn’t expected Jay to react the way he had.
Jay took a deep, faltering breath, his face paling even more at Ryan’s pain-filled words.
Kat moved then, unable to watch their relationship fall apart. They loved each other. She knew that for certain. She reached for their hands, gently pulling them both toward each other as she stepped closer.
“Ryan, please don’t do this. I’m getting better, but I can’t be the reason you leave. Yes, Jay and I love each other, but not in the way you think. I can’t give him what he needs.”
“Baby girl, what about what you need?”
“I need to know that the men I love have each other.” He seemed shocked by that, but maybe it was time to get the truth out there, for them all to understand what was going on between the three of them. “Ryan,” she said, glancing at Jay for a moment, “I love you as much as I love Jay. Please don’t go. Please stay and let you and Jay have the love that I’m too broken to give anyone.”
“Kat,” Jay said, pulling her into his embrace, “you’re not broken. You’re traumatized. One day you’ll be strong enough to give that love and Ryan and I will both be here to accept it. Ryan isn’t going anywhere.” He turned his gaze to Ryan, the challenge in his eyes unmistakable. “You’ve always told me you’re bisexual. Was that a lie?”
Ryan breathed out, his eyes closing as he apparently tried to hide his feelings from them both. “It wasn’t a lie,” he said quietly, “but I always kept my relationships monogamous.”
“So what?” Jay asked. “You’re not interested in loving two people at once?” Jay reached for him, his voice soft, his tone pleading. “Stay with us both, Ry. Love us both, and maybe one day when it’s right for all three of us we can claim that bright future together.”
Kat could see the tremble in Ryan’s hand as he lifted it to Jay’s face. “Are you sure?” he asked almost silently, the longing in his eyes almost too painful to witness.
“Ry,” Jay said with a smile, “you and Kat both mean the world to me. If we can find a way for the three of us to live happily ever after then I’m sure as hell going to take it.”
“Are you okay with this, baby girl?” Ryan asked, his voice catching as she started to nod even before he finished the question.
“I don’t know how long it will take for me to…be normal, but knowing that you both love me and that you both love each other is like a dream come true. Please don’t walk away, Ry.”
* * * *
Ryan swallowed hard. It had taken nearly everything he had to make the offer, to give two people he loved a chance to be happy together, but he wasn’t strong enough to turn down the fulfillment of an impossible dream.
Surely he’d heard Kat and Jay incorrectly.
“Will you sleep in our bed with us, Kat?” Ryan asked, needing proof that he wasn’t standing in their way.
“I want to,” she said with a sad smile, “but I’m not sure I’m ready for anything more than snuggling.”
“That’s okay,” Jay said, lifting her knuckles to his mouth and kissing her fingers softly. “We’ll be right here when you’re ready. No pressure.”
She nodded bravely, her resilience after everything she’d been through still amazing to Ryan. He’d watched her take back everything Kent had stolen from her—her confidence, her self-sufficiency, her ability to feel safe. He had no doubt that she’d soon punch through the fear that held her away from them physically as well.
For so long he’d watched Jay and Kat together and believed in his heart his stay with them would be temporary. It was clear to anyone with eyes that they belonged together, but even knowing that, he hadn’t really meant to offer to leave. Not today. He’d somehow convinced himself he’d stay until he wore out his welcome, happy to live off the radiated love of two incredible people.
But to be offered the chance to stay with them as a part of a three-way relationship, to not be the odd one out, was something he hadn’t seen coming.
“Hey,” Kat said as she stepped into his arms, dragging Jay with her as they both cuddled Ryan close, “I promise everything will work out.”
He gasped, not quite managing to hide the dry sob that tore from his gut.
“Come on, Ry,” Jay said as he shuffled them toward the hallway. “You’ve had a long night.” It had been a grueling shift at work, so Ryan couldn’t really argue there. “And I feel the desperate need to cuddle you and Kat close.”
Ryan smiled, glad to follow his lover’s lead this time. Kat gave him a reassuring wink, not even flinching when Jay helped
her out of her robe. She wore pajamas underneath, so she wasn’t exactly naked, but just seeing her let one of them help her undress made Ryan’s heart swell with pride. The woman truly was incredible.
Jay turned his attention to Ryan then, raising an eyebrow as he stepped closer. Ryan couldn’t hope to hide the grin he wore when his lover helped him out of his clothes. He returned the favor, both of them opting to leave their underwear on so that Kat wouldn’t be too uncomfortable. They weren’t entirely certain how she would react to “naked and aroused,” so it was best not to confront her with it just then.
Kat watched Jay urge Ryan into the middle of the bed before stepping closer and sliding under the blanket herself. She shivered a little, most likely from nerves as he lay still and let her move to him. She wriggled closer, resting her head on his shoulder, her hand curling over his heart as Jay took up a position on Ryan’s other side. He stretched his hand out to rest it over Kat’s.
Ryan held them both close, his arousal banked for the moment as satisfaction stole through him. They had a long road ahead of them, but somehow right now that journey didn’t seem so daunting.
They had each other. They would learn and grow, support and work toward the future they all wanted. It wouldn’t be easy, but with the two people in his arms he knew the effort would be worth it. “I love you both,” he whispered as they snuggled closer, their immediate replies very satisfying as he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Nine
Four months later…
She watched him from across the restaurant. His blue eyes sought hers even as he laughed at something the woman in front of him said. Kat knew what that woman would be seeing. Handsome features, deep-blue eyes, a killer smile…and the bitch would be feeling like a million dollars just because one of the most amazing men in a thousand miles was smiling at her.