Bittersweet Addiction

by Q. B. Tyler

  “We’re getting off topic.” Good, off topic means maybe I have a chance at keeping her. Making her stay. “How did you get clean, back then? Did you go to rehab?”

  “No…I didn’t go. I was worried about how that would look being brand new in the field and a first-year intern. I went to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and Tuck basically followed me around like a bodyguard making sure I didn’t slip up. I didn’t touch alcohol again until…” I pause, giving her a solemn stare.

  “Until…me?”

  I hesitate, before resting my hands on her shoulders. “This is not your fault, Charlotte. None of this is your fault. I use alcohol to cope with things that are out of my control. And falling in love with you—with a patient—was completely out of control. At first, I was drinking in a way to combat the feelings that I was having for you. Because I couldn’t have you. But then we slept together and the itch that I thought I scratched wasn’t going away. I thought I may have been falling in love with you, but I prayed it was just lust. It wasn’t. It was painful not being able to have you whenever I wanted you. Not being able to touch you when I wanted…Having to sit in therapy and watch you married to someone else. To someone that wasn’t me. It drove me crazy and I had no control over the situation. So, the drinking got worse. It was enough just to take the edge off at first. And then to numb…whatever I was feeling.”

  She narrows her eyes slightly. “I had no idea…I mean…were you ever drinking or drunk during our sessions?”

  Lord knows I wanted to. Having to watch the woman I was sleeping with argue with another man about all the sex they weren’t having made me irate. That went double the times he attempted to touch her. “No. I kept it to after hours. And it wasn’t as bad as my first time around. I wasn’t getting drunk necessarily. It was a drink here or there. But as the people of AA so eloquently put it, there is no drink here or there.” I sit back down in the chair, the exhaustion of this conversation and the remainder of my slight hangover taking over. “I’m so sorry,” I tell her as I put my head in my hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

  “I’m worried about you, Will. What happens when you start feeling out of control again? How do I know you’re not going to go back to drinking to calm your nerves or give you some sense of control? You’ll keep it from me. Or at least you’ll try to.”

  That doesn’t sound like she’s leaving you.

  Or she’s weighing the options.

  “Baby, no. I won’t, I swear, this is it. You have to believe me. I’ve never lied to you before.”

  “You didn’t tell me about any of this. This is a big deal. You used to say that lying by omission is just as bad.”

  I chuckle, hearing my words thrown back at me. She lets her arms fall and moves back towards me, sitting on the table in front of me and putting my hands in hers. She brings them to her lips and then puts them over her heart.

  I don’t like where this is going.

  “I love you. So incredibly much,” she starts. “You came into my life like a tornado…stirring up things inside of me that I had never felt. You challenge me and push me and love me harder than anyone ever has. I love you harder than anyone I ever have. But we just jumped feet first into this without really getting to know each other. Without really building a connection outside of our affair.”

  “Charlotte…”

  “I think I should stay with Lauren for now.”

  Panic blooms in my chest. “What? You’re leaving me?”

  “No! I just…”

  No. She can’t go. She swore we were in this together.

  You didn’t act like you were, why should she?

  I ignore the thoughts. “You’re leaving me, when I need you?”

  “That’s not fair.” Her eyes are full of tears as they slide down her cheeks. “I will always be there for you.” Her hand reaches out to stroke my cheek. “I love you.”

  “Then why are you leaving? How can you leave?”

  “Because I can’t set myself on fire…just to keep you warm.”

  The words are a bitter pill. I know the sentiment; I’d spoken them to some couples. But hearing her think she has to do that for me… “That’s bullshit.”

  “Will, there are almost twenty bottles of liquor—hard liquor—in that box. This is something you struggle with, and I just want you to get a handle on it before I further complicate your life.”

  “You’re not a complication.” Baby, you’re everything.

  “You just got suspended over my involvement in your life.”

  “Yes, and your response to that is to run?” My heart hammers in my chest, as I speak the words. I can’t lose her.

  “I’m not running! I want to give you space.”

  You’re the last person I want space from.

  Don’t let her leave. If she walks out of that door, you’ll lose her forever. “I don’t want space.”

  “Fine. Maybe I need the space.”

  Well, that certainly changes things… “Wh—what? Space from… me?”

  She swallows and fidgets in her lap. “I took a test.”

  My eyes furrow together for a moment, not knowing what she means when realization dawns on me. A test…Her eyes look up to meet mine and they’re watery and full of worry. “Like a…pregnancy test?”

  “Like a pregnancy test.”

  “And?” Well, she’s not telling you she’s leaving because the test is negative.

  “I’m pregnant…” she says. “We are pregnant.”

  I don’t say anything at first, unsure of how she feels. How I should feel…

  “A…baby?” I choke out.

  “Yes.” The tears flood her eyes, and before I can think I’ve dropped to my knees in front of her, wrapping my arms around her stomach.

  “A baby,” I whisper as I press my face to her stomach. “Oh my God.” I lift her shirt and press a kiss to the skin before standing up and wrapping her in my arms. My heart sinks as I don’t feel her hugging me back. I pull back and she doesn’t seem as happy as I am.

  “This should be the happiest moment of my life. I’m finally getting what I always wanted. A baby with a man that loves me.”

  “Then what’s the problem? I’m here, I love you, I want a family with you.” I’ve been coming inside of you for the past month just praying to get you pregnant.

  “The problem is the novelty wears off, Will! And when that happens you seem to turn to other vices instead of me. I can’t risk raising this baby with someone who passes out on me mid-sentence, or who goes on benders from time to time, soaking their liver in scotch! I’ve seen what alcoholics can do to children. I’ve seen what alcohol can do to families, Will. I’m not saying you’ll be Michael. I’m not. In my heart of hearts, I don’t think you’d ever lay a hand on me. But there are so many other factors. What if you hurt yourself or someone else? What happens if you relapse and I’m not around? What happens if you pass out when you’re watching our children? What about when they’re older and you miss birthdays or recitals or soccer games because you’re off somewhere getting drunk?”

  My hands begin to shake as she lists off some of her biggest fears. Hell, some of mine too. “Charlotte, that won’t happen. I’ll stop. I’ll get help.”

  “AA meetings aren’t enough. You’ve been through this once. Maybe you’ll stop for a while, but what happens when something else happens and you feel out of control. What if in two years you can’t get your license reinstated for whatever reason? What if something else happens that throws a wrench in your life? And maybe you won’t turn to alcohol next time. Maybe it’ll be something harder or more dangerous. Words aren’t enough, Will. Maybe if it was just me…but I’m not risking anything when it comes to our baby.”

  “I would never hurt you or our baby.”

  “I know that. But you’d say anything to keep me here right now. You kept this from me for so long, because you were afraid I’d leave if I knew.”

  “AND YOU’RE LEAVING!” I bellow as I stand up.
/>   “I just don’t want you to use me as a crutch, Will. I can’t be your entire incentive. I want you to get better for you.”

  The words are bubbling to the surface and they’re flying from my mouth before I can catch them. “You can’t fucking do this,” I growl. I don’t think I’ve ever taken this tone with her, but I’m angry. Livid. “You do this…you leave and it’s over. It’ll break us.”

  You don’t mean that.

  If she leaves me now when I need her most, how the hell am I supposed to trust her?

  That’s not fair. She’s afraid of you.

  No, she’s not. She’s afraid of what your relationship with her could do to you if you don’t get help.

  Her eyes widen and she looks down, the tears trickling down her cheeks again. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

  “You told me you loved me.”

  “I do. Which is why I’m doing this. I love you too much to watch you self-destruct.”

  I’m not self-destructing, I had a slip up. I made a mistake. Like you’ve never made a mistake, Charlotte?

  Don’t say that. “But I need you.”

  “And I’ll be there for you if you need me to go with you to meetings or—”

  “Fuck that, Charlotte. I need YOU. Here. In my house with me. In our house, I bought for us across town.” You asked me to fucking marry you. We’re having a baby! I’ll be damned if we aren’t living in the same house.

  “I want to be there too.”

  “Then why are you leaving?”

  “I just suggested that maybe I should stay at Lauren’s while you get yourself together. I went from a house I shared with Matt to a house I share with you and…I never even had a second to decompress.”

  “But you knew that,” I argue. That’s kind of what happens when you leave your husband for another man, Charlotte.

  “I know.”

  “What’s changed?”

  “You.” My palms begin to sweat, as I come to the startling realization that I don’t think I’ll be able to talk her into staying.

  She’s leaving me.

  “I’m not, though. I’m the same man you fell for,” I plead.

  “Are you?” She looks up at me and it’s like a punch to the gut.

  “You are breaking my heart!” I yell, as I avoid her rhetorical question

  “I know. I’m breaking mine too.”

  I kneel in front of her, taking her face in my hands. The tears are forming in my eyes, and I’m not even ashamed that I’m crying in front of her. Something I was told never to do. Real men don’t cry. “Please, Charley. I’ll do anything.”

  She puts her hands over mine, that are still cupping her cheeks, the tears in her eyes a direct reflection of my own. “I just want you to get help.”

  “I will. Tomorrow. Now. I’ll go. Please. Just stay here. I need to know that you’re here waiting for me. That you’ll be here when I get out.”

  “I’ll wait for you forever,” she tells me softly, but it doesn’t soothe my shattered heart like I hoped.

  “Here?”

  “Will…”

  “Please. I’ve lost everything…I can’t lose you too,” I beg.

  “Will, you’ve taught me so much in the past seven months. But most importantly, you’ve taught me how to be strong. How to be everything I need for myself. I can’t be your only source of happiness, Will. I can’t be the only thing in your life that you love. You don’t speak to your family, I don’t know that you have many friends, and you need other people in your life that support you. You taught me how to love myself after I’d spent so long doing just the opposite. But…do you love the person you see when you look in the mirror? Do you love him as much as I do? If you don’t love yourself—how can you love me?”

  “Charlotte…” I choke out, not wanting to go down this road with her.

  “Your family hurt you—”

  This was not the time to talk about them. “Not worse than what you’re doing.”

  “Can’t you see why I’m doing this?”

  “No.” Forgive me for not thinking like a counselor as you stomp all over my heart.

  “Well…maybe one day, we’ll look back on this together and you’ll understand.”

  “I’m going to fight for you, Charlotte.”

  “I need you to fight for yourself, first.”

  * * *

  4:00 pm

  I SOMEHOW MANAGE TO GET myself out of Will’s house before completely breaking down. I’m barely out of sight of his townhouse before I pull the car over, the tears clouding my vision.

  Oh God, what did I do?!

  I look in the rearview mirror, wondering if I should turn back.

  No, Charlotte. This is for the best.

  But he needs me.

  As much as he thinks he needs alcohol?

  Space is good. Space doesn’t always translate to a breakup.

  But he doesn’t have anyone else but me.

  That’s the problem.

  I shut my eyes and let out a scream so loud I wouldn’t be surprised if Will could hear me. Once all of the air has left my lungs I stop, letting my head rest on the steering wheel before I make my way to the one person who’d always been there for me.

  Hi, you’ve reached Lauren, I’m not here, but my phone is! Leave me some love!

  I sigh, wondering where she is that she wouldn’t be answering her phone. “Lo, it’s Charley, I’ll be at your place in approximately…” I look at the clock in my car, “thirty minutes. Please be home. Please have wine. Actually fuck. I can’t have wine because I’m pregnant. FUCK! I didn’t mean that. I mean, it’s true but I didn’t mean to blurt it out on the answering machine, I’m sure you’ll never check. Please don’t check this because I know you’ll be pissed that this is how you found out that I’m pregnant. Pregnant with Will’s baby and he’s got a drinking problem. Like full fledged, and I just left his house, he thinks I’ve left him…and, oh my God, why am I still talking!? I’m coming over. I pray to God you’re home, because I have a problem.”

  5:00 pm

  It’s been an hour since Charlotte left. An hour of me staring at the door that she walked out of. An hour of feeling a monumental hole in my chest where my heart used to be. A heart that a teary-eyed Charley left with. She didn’t take all of her things with her, leaving me some shred of hope that maybe she was just scared and that this wasn’t really over.

  You think she could have hauled everything out of here in one trip? You know the girl’s got a lot of shit.

  I finally manage to pull myself off the floor, wiping the tears that had slid down my face for the millionth time and pick up the phone to call the one person who’d never forsaken me. I could sit here in the dark forever, feeling sorry for myself, or I could make a change. A change that would get me my girl back. And once I had her, I was never letting her go again.

  “Tuck,” I speak into the phone, “I have a problem.”

  5:30 pm

  I had to pull over two more times, my body wracked with sobs as I drove to Lauren’s. I was shocked that she had yet to call me back or even text me, making me wonder if she had to go into work and she wasn’t near her phone. Hopefully nothing is wrong.

  I pull into the parking lot of her apartment complex and make my way into the building, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the lobby including the guy at the front desk who’s eyeing me as I sign in.

  “Are you alright, miss?” he asks.

  Not in the slightest. “Yes, I’m fine, thank you.” I tell him with the most confidence I can muster. I’m practically flying down the hall the second I make it to her floor and pushing my key into her door. My lip trembles as I see boxes littering the floor, dishes out of her cabinets, and her bookshelf is almost completely empty.

  She’s already packing? She’s leaving…this soon? My lip trembles thinking about how I am going to get through life with no Will and no Lauren.

  Matt was right, I am going to be alone.

  No! Will is going t
o make it right and we are going to be together.

  “Lo?” I notice her cell phone lighting up on her table. So, she’s here. Maybe she’s napping. Perfect, I can crawl into bed with her and sleep for the next week. I spy her bedroom door slightly ajar at the end of the hallway and I move towards it, noting that she’d already taken a few pictures off the walls. I spy one of us from college and I stroke the frame. Best Friends Forever in script is inscribed along the metal frame and the tears flood my eyes again.

  I miss you already, Lo.

  I push open her bedroom door and my heart plummets. My eyes find what I assume to be a very naked Drew Montgomery spooning her as they sleep. They are both wrapped up in a sheet, his arms around her, and his face submerged in her hair. It’s amazing how much he really does look like Will, and my heart skips a beat thinking about the man I wish was holding me while I slept. I look at Lauren, and she looks so peaceful, a serene smile on her face even in slumber.

  It must be nice.

  I close the door behind me, not wanting to disturb them and move into the living room. I would try and lie down but I’m worried that my mind isn’t ready to be alone in the quiet with my thoughts. I need background noise.

  I turn on the television and pull out my phone. I’m not surprised that I have a missed call from Will. Well, several missed calls.

  The little red number next to the text message icon haunts me and before I can tell myself that it isn’t a good idea, I’ve clicked on it.

  Will: Please let me know you make it to Lauren’s safely. I love you.

  Me:Made it. I love you too.

  I squeeze my eyes shut, knowing I shouldn’t have done that as soon as I see the bubbles responding.

  Will: I’m going to fix this. Take care of our little one.

  I’ve known I was pregnant for literally six hours, and I’ve spent half of that time sobbing my eyes out over the father. We never even celebrated. I let out a breath just as a very naked Drew comes trudging out of their bedroom and into the kitchen. He’s yet to notice me and I turn my eyes away from the kitchen so as to not get a glimpse of all of him. “Ummm, Drew?”