by Q. B. Tyler
“As expected,” I sigh as I run a hand over my face. It’s been a little under twenty-four hours since I’ve seen or spoke to Charley and I already miss her. “Before we start today, can I have my phone back? I want to call Charley.”
“Will, you know that’s not how this works; phone calls are between four and six.”
“Yeah, I know. On the main lines. Give me my cell, Tuck,” I say holding my hand out.
“Will, I don’t have it.”
“What do you mean you don’t have it?”
“I mean it’s in Patterson’s office just like everyone else’s phones, away from patients so they don’t get themselves into trouble.”
“What?” I narrow my gaze into slits. “I’m a doctor, I certainly don’t expect the same treatment as everyone else here. Once upon a time I was the on-call doctor here.” I shake my head. “Go get it!”
“Will, you’re not a doctor right now, you’re a patient. And you’re in rehab. It’s the time to separate from your life and recover. You need…space, to get better.”
“Are you fucking with me right now? This is a joke, right?”
“Will, do you want to get better?”
“I want to talk to my fiancée.” He blinks his eyes a few times before I see him jot something down on his notepad. “For Christ sakes, Tuck, she’s pregnant…and I’m not there.”
“I’m aware of that. Tell me was this pregnancy planned?”
“Tuck, I swear to God, I’m not kidding around, give me my phone.”
“Will, I’ll see what I can do. But for now, can we just talk?”
My knee begins to bounce nervously that he’s so adamant about me not talking to Charley. And now he’s changing the subject. I know these signs. “About?”
“You know what about. Will I thought we had a handle on this?”
“We do…I do!” I cross my arms over my chest. “It’s been a rough few weeks.”
“I know.”
“I can’t practice for two years,” I say, the burn in my throat returning both from the words and as a reminder that I haven’t had any alcohol in a few days.
“Do you think that was fair?”
“Ummm,” I rub my forehead. “I don’t know, I think two years is a bit harsh.”
“Is it? It’s pretty standard. And…correct me if I’m wrong…but I do remember a certain conversation on a golf course when I told you that this was the potential outcome. Did you think I was making it up?”
“I knew it was a potential outcome.”
“So, you just thought—what? The board would just eat up your love story like a bunch of women reading romance novels? Come on.”
“There’s no need for your fucking sarcasm.”
“There’s no need for your fucking language,” he retorts.
“Screw you, Tuck. I’m in here so that I can break myself of this habit before it truly begins to form, but I don’t need you questioning everything I’ve done over the past several months. I’ve already answered to someone, taken my punishment. I’ve been asked a thousand and one of these questions…I’m not doing it again.” I am so over talking about my choice to have a relationship with a patient.
“Will, I didn’t know…I didn’t know that you had started drinking again at all. Your entry forms and in yesterday’s session you stated that you’d been drinking socially for months. You knew that was a slippery slope. And I asked you, more than once. You lied to me.”
I was lying to everyone, including myself. What makes you so special? “I wasn’t out of control.”
“That’s not the point. After we got you through it the first time, I thought you were done.”
“I wasn’t drinking nearly as aggressively as I was then.”
“You said you started earlier this year…”
“Yep.”
“Right around the time you started seeing Charley and her husband.”
“Ex-Husband,” I growl.
“Fine, Will. Ex-husband. You had to know that was going to get out of hand. You were starting to have feelings for a woman while you were counseling her and the man she was married to. That could cause anyone to have a breakdown. I’m not blaming you. I just don’t know why you didn’t come to me. We could have worked through it.”
“It was just here and there.”
“Once you’ve established a history of problems with alcohol you know there is no ‘just here and there’.”
I’m quiet, letting the words I already know wash over me. “You want to know why I didn’t come see you in the beginning? Because you’d know! And I couldn’t face you.” I rub my hand over my head as I feel the headache forming more aggressively by the minute. “I didn’t know things were going to escalate between us…” I say recalling the first time I reached for alcohol all those months ago. “I thought it was hard not being able to have Charley at all.” I shake my head. “But I was wrong. It was worse, having her but not whenever I wanted.”
“It sounds like Charley—and I don’t blame her—but it sounds like she was your catalyst for beginning to drink again.”
My eyes shoot to his, knowing where he’s going with this conclusion and I shake my head. “I want to speak to her…today.”
“And it’s my strong recommendation, that you don’t.”
He’d gone on to tell me that she’d already called once that morning and that they would be letting her know that I wouldn’t be allowed to accept any of her calls. I close my eyes hoping that she can hear my thoughts apologizing to her for this situation. I slow my feet as I finish another lap to find Tuck still in the same spot.
“I would never tell a patient that they couldn’t have their support system.”
“Even if that support system is what caused them to drink in the first place?”
“Oh my God!” I yell out. “What the hell is your problem when it comes to Charley anyway? What do you have against her?”
“Why don’t we go inside and—”
“No, I’m not going anywhere with you until you tell me why you’re hellbent on keeping me from Charley.”
He sighs and pulls his coat tighter around him as he comes through the gate to stand with me on the track. “Will, I’m not the enemy here. But talking to Charley right now is not particularly good for you.”
My eyes widen having heard the person that used to know me better than anyone speak such a ludicrous statement. “You’re crazy.”
“Let’s walk.” He nods to the track and I reluctantly begin to walk in time with him somewhat curious how he came to this bullshit conclusion. “Tell me about the first time you had a drink. What happened?”
I narrow my eyes as I shake my head. “I don’t really remember.”
“Yes, you do.”
True. I do know.
“That night I slept with the girl that looked like her. I told you about it when we played golf? I’d gone out with Drew…met some girl at a bar. God, she looked just like Charley.” I rub my forehead trying to remember her exact features but it’s no use as the only brunette woman ingrained in my memory currently has my child growing inside of her. “I can’t even remember what she actually looked like, but I remember almost doing a double take when I saw her. I couldn’t even stop myself from getting hard thinking it was really Charley. She must have felt me staring at her because she looked at me. I realized it wasn’t Charley and looked away, but it didn’t stop her from coming over.”
“I’d been drinking iced tea all night but for some reason, I ordered a scotch next. Maybe because she was drinking and I offered to buy her one, I don’t know. But the more I drank, the more she began to look like Charley. At the end of the night, we were both drunk and…I took her home. I didn’t realize how fucked I was until Charley’s name left my lips when I came. I’d been masturbating like a crazy person thinking about her, but this was different. I was crushed. I wanted her so much and I couldn’t have her.”
“Had you slept with her at this point?”
“No.” I shake m
y head. “But after that night, I knew that I had taken about a hundred steps back getting intoxicated and fucking a woman that reminded me of a patient. So, I just swept that night under the rug. Pretended it didn’t happen. I tried to get my mind off Charley.”
“Did it work?”
“It worked…until I saw her again,” I admit. “I went out again with my brother and met another woman. Same thing. I used her to fill the void of not having Charley.”
“I see. Were you drinking during this time too?”
“Yes, more socially though. I wasn’t getting drunk, and it wasn’t every day. Just to take the edge off and to…feel numb I guess. In the early stages of Charley and I sleeping together it was fine, I’d stopped altogether. I thought that I had everything under control. But then things began to get more real on both ends. I couldn’t see her when I wanted, talk to her when I wanted. I had no control over the situation, and I started to spiral.”
“Did Charley know about any of that?”
“No. I hid it from her until recently.”
“Why did it take you so long to tell her? You would have thought that was something you should have disclosed when you were getting closer. When she was planning to leave her husband. When she actually left her husband,” he says, as we begin walking back towards the main facility.
“Why do you think?” I ask him as we head through the glass doors towards one of the rooms for sessions. “I didn’t want her to think less of me.”
“Well, now do you understand why we’re advising that you don’t speak to her while you’re here? There is a correlation between her, your feelings for her…this whole situation, and you drinking again. You were drinking because you wanted something that you couldn’t have…which is always your trigger. With your family. And now with Charley.”
“No. I was…” The words fail me. “I just…”
We make our way through the halls and back into the office we’d been using, and I immediately drop to the couch, not caring that the sweat is still fresh on my skin from my run. I stare off into space, letting Tuck’s words run through my mind on a loop.
“I can’t lose her.” I rub my jaw, feeling the tears form in my eyes. “It’s not the same as with my parents. I don’t question Charley’s love for me. I’m not competing with anyone for Charley’s attention or affection.”
“But, you were competing for her. With her husband.”
“There was never a competition between myself and Wells once we started.”
“Be that as it may, she wasn’t yours. You didn’t have her. She belonged to another man. You couldn’t see her, touch her, or hold her when you wanted. And it made you crazy.”
I rub my palms together trying to calm my nerves as I feel myself begin to get worked up. “Tuck…”
“So, you drank to numb the pain of not being able to be with her. And again, when you couldn’t have her whenever she couldn’t see you. When she couldn’t take your calls…”
“Stop,” I tell him not wanting to hear any more.
“And then when you finally got her, you lose the ability to practice. Will, you’ve been fighting for stability and balance…your entire adult life. When you were a child, you couldn’t figure out why your brother got the attention you craved, which stayed with you for years, and then you meet this woman, and although you understand why she can’t give you the attention and affection you yearn for, it doesn’t stop you from craving it. From wanting Charley…” he trails off.
I pull at my hair wishing that it were enough to wake me up from this nightmare, when I feel as if everything is clear for the first time ever. I look up from the floor, my eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I’m not giving her up…for anything.”
“Then be honest with her. Be fair to her. It’s good that you’ve talked to her about your past now so that you can be stronger for your future. For her and for the family that you’re building with her.”
“A part of me is afraid she’ll leave me,” I say finally, feeling all of my insecurities coming to a head.
“What makes you fear that?”
“I don’t know…I know she loves me. But she had everything, and she walked away from it all. She risked everything just as I did. What if she wakes up one day and regrets it?”
“What if you do?”
“I won’t.”
“Okay, if you are sure you will never feel that way, why won’t you take her word for it that she feels the same? I am sure that she’s been equally transparent about her feelings in this whole ordeal.”
I’m silent for what feels like an eternity, my thoughts and his words weighing on my brain. “Can we wrap this up for the day?” I ask him, wanting to be alone with my thoughts.
“Of course.” He nods. “I’ve given you a lot to reflect on.”
I walk through the facility and I’m not surprised that the majority of the occupants aren’t in their rooms; they’re with their families in one of the many common areas. I make it back to my room and drop to my bed, the events of the day having me barreling towards sleep despite the fact that it is only noon. I’m staring at the ceiling for what feels like an hour before I sit up, accepting defeat that sleep is evading me. I reach for my bag and pull out a book that I brought. When I open it, a picture falls out.
And not just any picture.
My favorite picture of Charley—one that I stare at often; it’s the background to my cell phone.
She’s lying on our bed giving the camera one of her signature shy smiles, her eyes teasing me as they always do. I notice an envelope that fell out of the bag when I grab the book, and I frown, wondering what it is.
I turn it over and it reads:
Read me when you’re lonely.
I recognize the handwriting instantly and a smile finds my face as I open the envelope.
Will,
Thank you for loving me even when I didn’t love myself. Thank you for being the support I needed, the shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold. My favorite hello, my hardest goodbye, all of the things that love songs are made of. Thank you for breathing life into me, metaphorically and literally. You’ve made me a mommy! For eight months you’ve been the single reason I look forward to the next day. In the beginning, because it was a day closer to seeing you again. And now, because it’s another day I get to spend on this adventure through life with you. I know right now you may be a little upset with me, but please know that I’m always in your corner and I vow to never leave it. You’re the man of my dreams (and thankfully my reality) and I’m so grateful that you’ve chosen me to love for the rest of your life. I’m so proud of you and I can’t wait to see you in a week.
I miss you, I love you, and I’m thinking about you every second that you’re gone.
Your Charley
I glance at the picture again, my eyes suddenly blurry after reading Charley’s words. Upset with her? Never. The guilt takes over my mind as I think about what the last few days have meant for Charley. What has she been doing? I hope she’s gotten out and not stayed in the house sulking. Drew and Lauren better have checked in on her. I can’t wait to take her in my arms and hold her, touch her soft skin, pepper kisses all over her stomach.
Baby.
We made a baby. I left so quickly we barely had a chance to celebrate. I smile, thinking about the new life growing inside of her by the day. Something only I’ve given her. Something she’s only wanted from me. I read over her words at least a dozen more times wishing they would transport me to her. I trace my fingertip over her face before I press the picture of her to my heart. I’ve long forgotten about the book, and clearly the insomnia, because within moments I’m asleep.
Saturday: Day Six
I run a hand over my jaw, feeling the new growth that’s grown over the past week. I haven’t been able to trim or do any landscaping on my beard. They don’t exactly let you come in with razors or clippers. I scratch my jaw hoping that Charley won’t hate it too much before I trim it back to its usual length.
It’s only nine in the evening and I feel like a kid on the night before Christmas. I’m anxious to get into bed knowing what the next day will bring—Charley.
I press a kiss to the picture she gave me, like I have the last few nights since I discovered it, and slide into bed. I haven’t masturbated at all since I’ve been here as I know it’s something they advise you not to do in rehab, but the thought of seeing Charley tomorrow has the excitement coursing through my dick making it impossible to go down.
I turn on my side in a huff, ignoring the tingling sensation in my balls and the throbbing in my cock.
What I wouldn’t give for Charley’s mouth wrapped around my—No Will. Besides, think about how much better the release will be tomorrow inside of her. I put a pillow over my face and groan thinking about how I still have one final session tomorrow before I get to leave the facility.
I look at the clock on my nightstand. Just sixteen more hours. A smile finds my face as I think about how I plan to never be without her this long ever again.
No. More. Alcohol.
* * *
Sunday: Day Seven
I HAVEN’T TALKED TO ANYONE outside of these four walls for the past week so I am unaware if anyone is coming with Charley to pick me up tonight. Is Drew bringing her? I shudder thinking about my parents bullying her into wanting to come as well; I had told Drew to let them know what has been going on.
I think about the conversations that needs to be had with both of my parents regarding their attitudes towards my future bride, especially now that she’ll be giving them their first grandchild within the year. I pull my bag up over my shoulder as I walk through the halls for the last time.
“Montgomery,” I hear from behind me, and I turn around to see him staring at me.
“Tuck.” I nod.
“I’m proud of you, Will.” He smiles. “You’ve come a long way this past week.”
“You’re not going to get me to agree that I couldn’t talk to Charley this whole time,” I tell him, raising an eyebrow.