The Unimaginable

by Dina Silver

  Caroline sighed.

  “Please don’t be upset,” I said. “We did suffer through an unspeakable ordeal, but we made it out alive, Grant and I, and I wasn’t hurt too badly. Or raped. I know that’s what you’re thinking. The most I’m suffering is the loss of Quinn.” I shook my head. “He was so fantastic, Caroline, I mean it. Like, just truly one of the most genuine people I’ve ever met. And while I didn’t know him very long, I just can’t get past how unfair it is to him and everyone who loved him.”

  “I’ve said many prayers for his family and will continue to do so.”

  “Thank you.”

  She uncrossed her arms and leaned forward. “I know you’re a grown woman and you don’t want or need your big sister telling you what to do, but I just worry about you.” She managed a smile. “Would I love to have you home working for Allen at the bank, or at one of the local schools again? Yes, I would, but I’m not as naïve as you think I am, and I know that’s not an option for you.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “Good, and I would appreciate you doing your best to stay safe. That’s all I’m asking.” She paused. “I’m going to marry Allen.”

  My eyes went wide, and I had to force myself from blurting out my first instinct, which was to talk her out of it. Then I realized this was what Caroline wanted.

  “If you’re happy, then I’m happy. And if Allen makes you happy . . . then I love him more than you know,” I said, and she smiled. “Can I tell you something?”

  “Of course.”

  “Promise not to read too much into it or think that I’ve lost my mind more than you already think I have.”

  “I promise.”

  “Mom was with me on the boat.” I paused. “Young, exuberant, New York honeymoon Mom.”

  Caroline blinked but said nothing.

  I tugged my earlobe and looked away from her. “If I’m being honest with you and myself, I thought I was going to die. Maybe one day—if you want—I will tell you the details of what happened, but it won’t be anytime soon. That being said, there was a moment, maybe more than one, where I was convinced I was going to take my last breath on that boat. And in those moments, Mom came to me.” I brushed the hair from my face. “She didn’t speak . . . but she told me she loved me and that she was proud of me.”

  Caroline’s eyes were brimming with tears when I looked back at her.

  “She’d never told me that before,” I added.

  A second later the sliding glass door opened, and Grant was standing there.

  “Looks like your coffee is here,” he said. “Am I interrupting?”

  “No, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for you to wake up,” I said, and stood. “We should have listened for the door.”

  “It’s fine. I was up and happy to see a fresh pot.”

  The four of us had coffee together before Caroline and Allen had to leave. I helped her pack up her things and then we walked them down to the lobby to get a cab.

  “Thank you, Grant, for your generous hospitality and for taking care of Jessica,” Caroline said, and then gave him a hug.

  “Both are my pleasure.”

  Saying good-bye to my sister was never easy, especially when I didn’t know when I’d see her again. We hugged for a long time, and it felt really good.

  “If you see Mom again, tell her I miss her terribly,” Caroline told me.

  That night Grant and I drove his rental car to a restaurant called Michael’s Genuine, located in the Miami Design District.

  “I don’t come to Miami all that often, but when I do, I come here,” Grant told me.

  We sat outdoors on the patio, which was sandwiched between some retail shops. The air was warm, and the food was made with fresh and simple ingredients but prepared with a twist of the eclectic. I ordered the wood-roasted, double-yolk farm egg, which came in a white ceramic ramekin with cave-aged Gruyère cheese, roasted tomatoes, and chives. I used the sourdough crostini that came with it to pop open the egg yolks, and the taste was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.

  “I’m going to need four more of these,” I said, and then closed my eyes in hopes of reliving the taste.

  Grant was devouring his steamed mussels. He paused to wipe his mouth with a white linen napkin. “I’m so glad you got to see your sister.”

  “Me too. Thank you for taking such good care of them.”

  “Of course.”

  I took another bite of the gooey, drippy, warm, cheesy deliciousness that was in front of me and then sipped my wine, wishing the ramekin were twice as large. Once I was through, I sat back in my chair and drained the rest of my glass.

  “I guess we need to talk,” I said, causing Grant to raise an eyebrow. “Most dreaded words ever, right?”

  “Not coming from you, no.”

  I placed my palms on the edge of the table. “I hate to ask, but have you made any decisions about what your plans are after Quinn’s funeral?”

  Grant placed his tablespoon next to the bowl of mussels and then dunked a chunk of French bread into the broth. I watched him chew for a moment before he sat back in his seat.

  “My main priority is seeing you safely back to Phuket—if that’s what you want—and then trying to get ahold of Imagine. I know the boat is in custody, and they’ll want me to retrieve it at some point.”

  “Do you think you’ll be able to sail her again, with everything that happened?”

  He lowered his gaze for a moment and then made eye contact with me. “I do.”

  I nodded slightly.

  “I understand if that sounds strange or callous to you,” he said, “but I’ve thought about it many times, and I refuse to let those men take what is mine. And I don’t even mean the boat. I mean the journey and the memories and the time I had with my nephews and with Quinn. That vessel is my life. She’s all I have in this world. She’s been my sole purpose—my home, my everything—and I intend on reclaiming her and making Imagine a happy place again. I’m determined to do that.”

  I glanced at the ground. He hadn’t counted me amongst the things in his world.

  “Are you upset?” he asked.

  I looked up at him and tried to read his eyes. Could I ever compete with his dreams for himself? No one could’ve competed with mine, but mine had changed to include him. I just didn’t know if his would ever change to include me.

  “I’m not upset,” I said. “And the fact that you want to live out your goals doesn’t sound strange to me at all.” I paused to take a breath. “I’m just not sure I’d ever be able to step aboard that boat again, but I’m glad you’re committed to doing the right thing by her. You both deserve it.”

  Grant leaned forward, slid his fingers between mine, and gently squeezed my hand. “I guess we need to talk about us now.”

  I smiled, lips closed.

  He continued. “I’m going to finish my trip. It’s a promise I made to myself, and I have to do it. That being said, I would love for you to come with me if you want.” He lowered his chin to study my response, which was nonexistent. “However, you have a life that you love in Phuket—you’ve told me so yourself many times—and I don’t want to be the one to take you away from it if that’s not in the cards for you. I’ve been a nomad for years now with no one to answer to, and really no one to look after.” He stopped for a moment and gently shook his head. “And look what’s happened to those I have.” He exhaled. “Meeting you has changed me from the inside out, and I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me. You cleared the haze and reminded my heart what it’s like to ache in a good way. But I don’t know if I’m at a point where I’d be comfortable uprooting you from your life.”

  I nodded.

  “What are your thoughts on all this, Jess?”

  I sniffed out a small laugh through my nostrils. “When we were on the boat in the midst of everything horrible, all I thought of was you. I don’t remember anything else in my life mattering to me. My friends, my family, my jobs—none of it mattered. My prayers
were for us, for our safety, and for a future together. You were and are all that was on my mind.”

  He squeezed my hand again.

  “The waitress better not dare show her face right now,” I said, rolling my eyes.

  Grant smiled.

  “Anyway, I’m sorry if I’m breaking every rule in the ‘play hard to get’ handbook, but I’m crazy about you, and I think you know that. Also, I don’t think I’m a complete love-struck fool when I say that I think you care about me too.” I looked up for his confirmation, and he nodded, thank God. “But yes, you’re right. I do want to return to Phuket. My life is there, and that was my original plan.”

  “Plans can change,” he interjected.

  “They can, but I’m committed to the school through the end of June, and I owe them that. They’ve been exceptionally accommodating to me, and so has Niran. It’s not in my nature to shirk my duties.”

  “I like that about you.”

  The waitress finally approached the table, and thankfully Grant ordered us some more wine.

  “Can I ask you something?” I said.

  “Shoot.”

  “What did Marie say to you?”

  “About what?”

  “About us. Did she say anything about you and me being together?”

  He shook his head no. “Why do you ask?”

  I shrugged. “I just felt awkward for some reason, holding hands in front of her. I don’t know why.”

  “She and everyone else in my family just want me to be happy.” He sighed. “I can’t begin to describe what I went through both physically and emotionally when Jane died. Maybe I should’ve gone into therapy, maybe I’ll write a book one day, or maybe I will sail around the world, accomplish my goal, and move on with my life. But seeing Marie and talking with my family and friends is still too hard. Even after all these years. It forces me to remember the worst of it, because those are the people that were with me during my darkest days. To call it a personal hell does not even scratch the surface of how awful it was. They saw me at my weakest, rawest state, and I still see that reflection in their eyes.” He leaned forward. “When it’s just someone asking me about Jane, I have no problem talking about her and remembering who she was. The real Jane, not the cancer Jane. But when I see my family, all I think of is Cancer Jane, and I hate it.”

  When I stared into his eyes, I understood everything. All he wanted to do was to hold on to the good. Didn’t we all? Every memory that came to me during the worst moments of my life was one of comfort and simple pleasures. Grant was no different. And while time healed most wounds, it didn’t erase memories. Maybe he wanted Marie to know he was happy again.

  “I hope I’ve been able to make you happy.”

  “You have.”

  Chapter 31

  A week later we boarded a flight from Miami to New York and sprinted to meet our connection, and then boarded a second flight that day to Dubai in the United Arab Emirates.

  “This doesn’t count as my trip to New York,” I said breathlessly as I ran with my backpack over my shoulders.

  Once we arrived in Dubai, our sightseeing was cut short there as well, and we slept on the floor of the airport for four hours before catching a flight to Muscat, Oman, where Grant had arranged for Imagine to be towed. Before heading to the marina, we checked into the Grand Hyatt and both slept for ten hours straight. It was a “grand” hotel and would be Grant’s home for the next month.

  The next morning we grabbed breakfast in the lobby and took a taxi to Marina Bandar Al Rowdha. As soon as the man at the front desk checked our credentials, we were led down a long dock to Slip 15.

  And there she was, shrouded in tarp.

  Around us, the marina was bustling. Mostly with men walking fast and furiously, tending to their cell phones and chatting with other boaters. Repairs were being made to a boat in the slip next to Imagine as Arabic music played from a radio on the dock. Each of the locals going about their business as the mystery boat amongst them stood proud yet sheltered. If they only knew the battering she endured and how she vowed not to go down without a fight. A few war wounds were visible, scratches and scars from where the skiffs had slammed into her side: a broken handrail that dangled precariously from below the edge of the tarp, and a few barnacles littering her once-pristine hull. Grant took my hand as two of the men with us began to remove her canvas veil. I swallowed hard as bullet holes and disarray from the night of our rescue became instantly visible. Grant let go of me and hurried aboard, then turned and extended a hand to me. I stood on the dock and glanced at him, frozen with trepidation.

  Grant lowered his arm. “You don’t have to come aboard, Jess. I mean it.”

  “I want to.”

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  I nodded and reached for his hand and came aboard the scene of the crime. Cushions were overturned and covered with dirt. Loose papers were strewn about the cockpit, along with empty plastic cups, and cigarette butts littered the floor.

  Emma was long gone.

  I paused at the top of the stairs that led to the salon and bent to lower my head. Below deck was the harshest evidence of the ransacking, and I had to cover my nose and mouth just to take a peek. The carpet had been removed, but there were still traces of blood and urine and food. The table was off its hinges, tilting to one side, and the couch had been slashed in no less than four places.

  And then I saw it.

  A tiny glimmer in the corner, wedged between the desk and the edge of the table: my gold Buddha.

  I stood and walked back down to the stern of the boat and took a deep breath. Grant was talking with the two men on the bow, pointing at the masts. I crossed my arms and closed my eyes.

  He came up from behind me and asked, “You okay?”

  “My safe-travels Buddha is down there. He survived.”

  “So did we.” He rubbed my arm. “Would you like me to get him for you?”

  I nodded.

  Grant walked down the stairs and came back immediately with the Buddha and handed it to me. He was unscathed. His delighted, exuberant smile made me long to see the Knights and Niran and Sophie.

  I stepped off the boat onto the dock and had a seat with my legs dangling over the water. There was a breeze hitting the side of my face, so I turned to face it in an effort to dry my eyes. I really didn’t want to cry. I wanted to be strong for Grant and Imagine. She’d been stripped of her beauty, brutally violated and left vulnerable, yet remained standing. I glanced at the water lapping at her hull and was able to find solace in the fact that she would be restored and live to feel the wind in her sails again.

  Grant joined me fifteen minutes later. “Let’s head out. They’re going to assemble a team for me, and I’ll come back in a couple days to go through the details with them then. In the meantime, these guys are going to get a cleaning crew in here and take care of that first.”

  I stood and embraced him. He rubbed my back and held me tight. I felt his chest expand and release as he slowly exhaled.

  “I’m glad I came with you,” I said as I pulled away.

  “Are you?”

  I nodded.

  “They’re going to do their best to salvage our belongings, but I really won’t know what condition they’re in until next week.”

  “That’s fine.”

  Grant took my hand, and we went back to the hotel, where we ate dinner in the room, and afterward we went to bed.

  He pulled me on top of him as we lay there and held me close to his bare chest with my ear pressed against his beating heart.

  “How long did they say the repairs would take?”

  “A little over a month.”

  “Will you need to be here the whole time?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m going to miss you like crazy,” I said, lifting my head.

  “I’m going to miss you too.” Grant cradled the sides of my face with his hands and pulled my mouth to his. We kissed like it would be our last, needy and ravenous, and
then he ran his hand up and down my back.

  “I hate to leave you,” I said.

  “I’ll be fine, and you need to get back.”

  “Who is going to make me feel this good while you’re away?”

  “Hopefully no one,” he said, and covered our stacked bodies with the thin white bedsheet.

  It took me hours to fall asleep that night. Not knowing when I would see him again left my emotions shattered. I didn’t want to put any pressure on him, but the anxiety of losing him for good was nearly impossible to endure.

  I think it was just past midnight when I closed my eyes and felt myself drifting off. An hour later I awoke to Grant screaming. Deep, frantic, panicked sounds like nothing I’d ever heard.

  Chapter 32

  Grant!” I said, shaking him. “Grant, wake up. Grant, it’s okay!”

  His chest and face were covered in sweat, and his hands were trembling when his eyes opened in one swift move and stayed wide as he looked right through me like I was a stranger.

  “Grant . . . you’re okay. It was just a dream.”

  He sat up and slowly glanced around the room.

  “We’re in the hotel. Everything’s fine,” I said.

  He swung his legs over the bed and hunched over, his head in his hands. I moved to place a hand on his shoulder, but he brushed me off. After a few minutes, he stood and went to the bathroom and closed the door.

  I don’t think I did so much as blink until he emerged.

  “Are you all right?” I asked.

  He stood leaning against the doorframe, wiping the back of his neck with a hand towel. “I can’t do this.”

  I felt my heartbeat come to a screeching halt. “Do what?”

  “I can’t be responsible for anyone anymore.” His tone was almost robotic.

  “You’re not responsible for me.”

  He shook his head. “I would never forgive myself if something happened to you. I just couldn’t take it.”

  I swallowed. “Nothing is going to happen to me.” I sat up on my knees in the bed and held the sheet to my chest. “Come back to bed. You had a horrible nightmare. I have them all the time, but look how far we’ve—”