Pygmalion and Three Other Plays

by George Bernard Shaw

  HIGGINS Pickering: shall we ask this baggage[198] to sit down or shall we throw her out of the window?

  THE FLOWER GIRL [running away in terror to the piano, where she turns at bay] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo! [Wounded and whimpering] I wont be called a baggage when Ive offered to pay like any lady.

  Motionless, the two men stare at her from the other side of the room, amazed.

  PICKERING [gently] What is it you want, my girl?

  THE FLOWER GIRL I want to be a lady in a flower shop stead of selling at the corner of Tottenham Court Road. But they wont take me unless I can talk more genteel. He said he could teach me. Well, here I am ready to pay him — not asking any favor — and he treats me as if I was dirt.

  MRS. PEARCE How can you be such a foolish ignorant girl as to think you could afford to pay Mr. Higgins?

  THE FLOWER GIRL Why shouldnt I? I know what lessons cost as well as you do; and I’m ready to pay.

  HIGGINS How much?

  THE FLOWER GIRL [coming back to him, triumphant] Now youre talking! I thought youd come off it when you saw a chance of getting back a bit of what you chucked at me last night. [Confidentially] Youd had a drop in, hadnt you?

  HIGGINS [peremptory] Sit down.

  THE FLOWER GIRL Oh, if youre going to make a compliment of it —

  HIGGINS [thundering at her] Sit down.

  MRS. PEARCE [severely] Sit down, girl. Do as youre told. [She places the stray chair near the hearthrug between Higgins and Pickering, and stands behind it waiting for the girl to sit down].

  THE FLOWER GIRL Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo! [She stands, half rebellious, half bewildered].

  PICKERING [very courteous] Wont you sit down?

  THE FLOWER GIRL [coyly] Dont mind if I do. [She sits down. Pickering returns to the hearthrug].

  HIGGINS Whats your name?

  THE FLOWER GIRL Liza Doolittle.

  HIGGINS [declaiming gravely]

  Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess,

  They went to the woods to get a birds nes’:

  PICKERING They found a nest with four eggs in it:

  HIGGINS They took one apiece, and left three in it.

  They laugh heartily at their own wit.

  LIZA Oh, dont be silly.

  MRS. PEARCE You mustnt speak to the gentleman like that.

  LIZA Well, why wont he speak sensible to me?

  HIGGINS Come back to business. How much do you propose to pay me for the lessons?

  LIZA Oh, I know whats right. A lady friend of mine gets French lessons for eighteenpence an hour from a real French gentleman. Well, you wouldnt have the face to ask me the same for teaching me my own language as you would for French; so I wont give more than a shilling. Take it or leave it.

  HIGGINS [walking up and down the room, rattling his keys and his cash in his pockets] You know, Pickering, if you consider a shilling, not as a simple shilling, but as a percentage of this girl’s income, it works out as fully equivalent to sixty or seventy guineas from a millionaire.

  PICKERING How so?

  HIGGINS Figure it out. A millionaire has about ? 150 a day. She earns about half-a-crown.

  LIZA [haughtily] Who told you I only —

  HIGGINS [continuing] She offers me two-fifths of her day’s income for a lesson. Two-fifths of a millionaire’s income for a day would be somewhere about £60. It’s handsome. By George, it’s enormous! it’s the biggest offer I ever had.

  LIZA [rising, terrified] Sixty pounds! What are you talking about? I never offered you sixty pounds. Where would I get —

  HIGGINS Hold your tongue.

  LIZA [weeping] But I aint got sixty pounds. Oh —

  MRS. PEARCE Dont cry, you silly girl. Sit down. Nobody is going to touch your money.

  HIGGINS Somebody is going to touch you, with a broomstick, if you dont stop snivelling. Sit down.

  LIZA [obeying slowly] Ah-ah-ah-ow-oo-o! One would think you was my father.

  HIGGINS If I decide to teach you, I’ll be worse than two fathers to you. Here [he offers her his silk handkerchief]!

  LIZA Whats this for?

  HIGGINS To wipe your eyes. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. Remember: thats your handkerchief; and thats your sleeve. Dont mistake the one for the other if you wish to become a lady in a shop.

  LIZA, utterly bewildered, stares helpiessty at him.

  MRS. PEARCE It’s no use talking to her like that, Mr. Higgins: she doesnt understand you. Besides, youre quite wrong: she doesnt do it that way at all [she takes the handherchief].

  LIZA [snatching it] Here! You give me that handkerchief. He give it to me, not to you.

  PICKERING [laughing] He did. I think it must be regarded as her property, Mrs. Pearce.

  MRS. PEARCE [resigning herself] Serve you right, Mr. Higgins.

  PICKERING Higgins: I’m interested. What about the ambassador’s garden party? I’ll say youre the greatest teacher alive if you make that good. I’ll bet you all the expenses of the experiment you cant do it. And I’ll pay for the lessons.

  LIZA Oh, you are real good. Thank you, Captain.

  HIGGINS [tempted, looking at her] It’s almost irresistible. Shes so deliciously low — so horribly dirty —

  LIZA [protesting extremely] Ah-ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo-oo!!! I aint dirty: I washed my face and hands afore I come, I did.

  PICKERING Youre certainly not going to turn her head with flattery, Higgins.

  MRS. PEARCE [uneasy] Oh, dont say that, sir: theres more ways than one of turning a girl’s head; and nobody can do it better than Mr. Higgins, though he may not always mean it. I do hope, sir, you wont encourage him to do anything foolish.

  HIGGINS [becoming excited as the idea grows on him] What is life but a series of inspired follies? The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a chance: it doesnt come every day. I shall make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe.[199]

  LIZA [strongly deprecating this view of her] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!

  HIGGINS [carried away] Yes: in six months — in three if she has a good ear and a quick tongue — I’ll take her anywhere and pass her off as anything. We’ll start to-day: now! this moment! Take her away and clean her, Mrs. Pearce. Monkey Brand,[200] if it wont come off any other way. Is there a good fire in the kitchen?

  MRS. PEARCE [protesting] Yes; but —

  HIGGINS [storming on] Take all her clothes off and burn them. Ring up Whiteley[201] or somebody for new ones. Wrap her up in brown paper til they come.

  LIZA Youre no gentleman, youre not, to talk of such things. I’m a good girl, I am; and I know what the like of you are, I do.

  HIGGINS We want none of your Lisson Grove prudery here, young woman. Youve got to learn to behave like a duchess. Take her away, Mrs. Pearce. If she gives you any trouble wallop her.

  LIZA [springing up and running between PICKERING and MRS. PEARCE for protection] No! I’ll call the police, I will.

  MRS. PEARCE But Ive no place to put her.

  HIGGINS Put her in the dustbin.

  LIZA Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo!

  PICKERING Oh come, Higgins! be reasonable.

  MRS. PEARCE [resolutely] You must be reasonable, Mr. Higgins: really you must. You cant walk over everybody like this. HIGGINS, thus scolded, subsides. The hurricane is succeeded by a zephyr of amiable surprise.

  HIGGINS [with professional exquisiteness of modulation] I walk over everybody! My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose is that we should be kind to this poor girl. We must help her to prepare and fit herself for her new station in life. If I did not express myself clearly it was because I did not wish to hurt her delicacy, or yours.

  LIZA, reassured, steals back to her chair.

  MRS. PEARCE [to PICKERING] Well, did you ever hear anything like that, sir?

  PICKERING [laughing heartily] Never, Mrs. Pearce: never.

  HIGGINS [patiently] Whats the matter?

  MRS. PEARCE Well, the matter is, sir, that you cant take a girl up
like that as if you were picking up a pebble on the beach.

  HIGGINS Why not?

  MRS. PEARCE Why not! But you dont know anything about her. What about her parents? She may be married.

  LIZA Garn!

  HIGGINS There! As the girl very properly says, Garn! Married indeed! Dont you know that a woman of that class looks a worn out drudge of fifty a year after shes married.

  LIZA Whood marry me?

  HIGGINS [suddenly resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low tones in his best elocutionary style] By George, Eliza, the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for your sake before Ive done with you.

  MRS . PEARCE Nonsense, sir. You mustnt talk like that to her.

  LIZA [rising and squaring herself determinedly] I’m going away. He’s off his chump,[202] he is. I dont want no balmies[203] teaching me.

  HIGGINS [wounded in his tenderest point by her insensibility to his elocution] Oh, indeed! I’m mad, am I? Very well, Mrs. Pearce: you neednt order the new clothes for her. Throw her out.

  LIZA [whimpering] Nah-ow. You got no right to touch me.

  MRS. PEARCE You see now what comes of being saucy. [Indicating the door] This way, please.

  LIZA [almost in tears] I didnt want no clothes. I wouldnt have taken them [she throws away the handkerchief]. I can buy my own clothes.

  HIGGINS [defly retrieving the handkerchief and intercepting her on her reluctant way to the door] Youre an ungrateful wicked girl. This is my return for offering to take you out of the gutter and dress you beautifully and make a lady of you.

  MRS . PEARCE Stop, Mr. Higgins. I wont allow it. It’s you that are wicked. Go home to your parents, girl; and tell them to take better care of you.

  LIZA I aint got no parents. They told me I was big enough to earn my own living and turned me out.

  MRS. PEARCE Wheres your mother?

  LIZA I aint got no mother. Her that turned me out was my sixth stepmother. But I done without them. And I’m a good girl, I am.

  HIGGINS Very well, then, what on earth is all this fuss about? The girl doesnt belong to anybody — is no use to anybody but me. [He goes to MRS. PEARCE and begins coaxing]. You can adopt her, Mrs. Pearce: I’m sure a daughter would be a great amusement to you. Now dont make any more fuss. Take her downstairs; and —

  MRS. PEARCE But whats to become of her? Is she to be paid anything? Do be sensible, sir.

  HIGGINS Oh, pay her whatever is necessary: put it down in the housekeeping book. [Impatiently] What on earth will she want with money? She’ll have her food and her clothes. She’ll only drink if you give her money.

  LIZA [turning on him] Oh you are a brute. It’s a lie: nobody ever saw the sign of liquor on me. [She goes back to her chair and plants herself there defiantly].

  PICKERING [in good-humored remonstrance] Does it occur to you, Higgins, that the girl has some feelings?

  HIGGINS [looking critically at her] Oh no, I dont think so. Not any feelings that we need bother about. [Cheerily] Have you, Eliza?

  LIZA I got my feelings same as anyone else.

  HIGGINS [to PICKERING, reflectively] You see the difficulty?

  PICKERING Eh? What difficulty?

  HIGGINS To get her to talk grammar. The mere pronunciation is easy enough.

  LIZA I dont want to talk grammar. I want to talk like a lady.

  MRS. PEARCE Will you please keep to the point, Mr. Higgins. I want to know on what terms the girl is to be here. Is she to have any wages? And what is to become of her when youve finished your teaching? You must look ahead a little.

  HIGGINS [impatiently] Whats to become of her if I leave her in the gutter? Tell me that, Mrs. Pearce.

  MRS. PEARCE Thats her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins.

  HIGGINS Well, when Ive done with her, we can throw her back into the gutter; and then it will be her own business again; so thats all right.

  LIZA Oh, youve no feeling heart in you: you dont care for nothing but yourself [she rises and takes the floor resolutely]. Here! Ive had enough of this. I’m going [making for the door]. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, you ought.

  HIGGINS [snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes suddenly beginning to twinkle with mischief] Have some chocolates, Eliza.

  LIZA [halting, tempted] How do I know what might be in them? Ive heard of girls being drugged by the like of you. HIGGINS whips out his penknife; cuts a chocolate in two; puts one half into his mouth and bolts it; and offers her the other half.

  HIGGINS Pledge of good faith, Eliza. I eat one half: you eat the other. [LIZA opens her mouth to retort: he pops the half chocolate into it]. You shall have boxes of them, barrels of them, every day. You shall live on them. Eh?

  LIZA [who has disposed of the chocolate after being nearly choked by it] I wouldnt have ate it, only I’m too ladylike to take it out of my mouth.

  HIGGINS Listen, Eliza. I think you said you came in a taxi .

  LIZA Well, what if I did? Ive as good a right to take a taxi as anyone else.

  HIGGINS You have, Eliza; and in future you shall have as many taxis as you want. You shall go up and down and round the town in a taxi every day. Think of that, Eliza.

  MRS. PEARCE Mr. Higgins: youre tempting the girl. It’s not right. She should think of the future.

  HIGGINS At her age! Nonsense! Time enough to think of the future when you havnt any future to think of. No, Eliza: do as this lady does: think of other people’s futures; but never think of your own. Think of chocolates, and taxis, and gold, and diamonds.

  LIZA No: I dont want no gold and no diamonds. I’m a good girl, I am. [She sits down again, with an attempt at dignity].

  HIGGINS You shall remain so, Eliza, under the care of Mrs. Pearce. And you shall marry an officer in the Guards, with a beautiful moustache: the son of a marquis, who will disinherit him for marrying you, but will relent when he sees your beauty and goodness —

  PICKERING Excuse me, Higgins; but I really must interfere. Mrs. Pearce is quite right. If this girl is to put herself in your hands for six months for an experiment in teaching, she must understand thoroughly what shes doing.

  HIGGINS How can she? Shes incapable of understanding anything. Besides, do any of us understand what we are doing? If we did, would we ever do it?

  PICKERING Very clever, Higgins; but not sound sense. [To ELIZA] Miss Doolittle —

  LIZA [overwhelmed] Ah-ah-ow-oo!

  HIGGINS There! Thats all you get out of Eliza. Ah-ah-ow-oo! No use explaining. As a military man you ought to know that. Give her her orders: thats what she wants. Eliza: you are to live here for the next six months, learning how to speak beautifully, like a lady in a florist’s shop. If youre good and do whatever youre told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, and have lots to eat, and money to buy chocolates and take rides in taxis. If youre naughty and idle you will sleep in the back kitchen among the black beetles, and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months you shall go to Buckingham Palace in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the King finds out youre not a lady, you will be taken by the police to the Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other presumptuous flower girls. If you are not found out, you shall have a present of seven-and-sixpence to start life with as a lady in a shop. If you refuse this offer you will be a most ungrateful and wicked girl; and the angels will weep for you. [To PICKERING] Now are you satisfied, Pickering? [To MRS. PEARCE] Can I put it more plainly and fairly, Mrs. Pearce?

  MRS. PEARCE [patiently] I think youd better let me speak to the girl properly in private. I dont know that I can take charge of her or consent to the arrangement at all. Of course I know you dont mean her any harm; but when you get what you call interested in people’s accents, you never think or care what may happen to them or you. Come with me, Eliza. HIGGINS Thats all right. Thank you, Mrs. Pearce. Bundle her off to the bath-room.

  LIZA [rising reluctantly and suspiciously] Youre a great bully, you are. I wont stay here if I dont
like. I wont let nobody wallop me. I never asked to go to Buckingham Palace, I didnt. I was never in trouble with the police, not me. I’m a good girl — MRS. PEARCE Dont answer back, girl. You dont understand the gentleman. Come with me. [She leads the way to the door, and holds it open for ELIZA].

  LIZA [as she goes out] Well, what I say is right. I wont go near the king, not if I’m going to have my head cut off. If I’d known what I was letting myself in for, I wouldnt have come here. I always been a good girl; and I never offered to say a word to him; and I dont owe him nothing; and I dont care; and I wont be put upon; and I have my feelings the same as anyone else — MRS. PEARCE shuts the door; and ELIZA’s plaints are no longer audible. PICKERING comes from the hearth to the chair and sits astride it with his arms on the back.

  PICKERING Excuse the straight question, Higgins. Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?

  HIGGINS [moodily] Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

  PICKERING Yes: very frequently.

  HIGGINS [dogmatically, lifting himself on his hands to the level of the piano, and sitting on it with a bounce] Well, I havnt. I find that the moment I let a woman make friends with me, she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damned nuisance. I find that the moment I let myself make friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at one thing and youre driving at another.

  PICKERING At what, for example?

  HIGGINS [coming off the piano restlessly] Oh, Lord knows! I suppose the woman wants to live her own life; and the man wants to live his; and each tries to drag the other on to the wrong track. One wants to go north and the other south; and the result is that both have to go east, though they both hate the east wind. [He sits down on the bench at the keyboard]. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain so.

  PICKERING [rising and standing over him gravely] Come, Higgins! You know what I mean. If I’m to be in this business I shall feel responsible for that girl. I hope it’s understood that no advantage is to be taken of her position.