by Jayne Blue
“He’ll stop breathing,” Dr. Lombardi said. “There won’t be any pain. He’ll just drift away.”
Georgio nodded. He took the file folder from Dr. Karrick but didn’t open it. He merely tucked it under his arm and walked over to my father’s bedside.
“You think this will make things easier for you?” my mother shrieked. “He gave me his power of attorney.”
Georgio turned to her, his expression like stone. “And that power dies when he does. I’ll take my chances, Mommy. Dr. Lombardi, turn off the machines now.”
My mother wailed but made no move to stop any of it. She gathered my father’s frail hand in hers and sobbed. Georgio stared at me as the doctors took my father off life support. Gianni and Joey stayed in the corner but they at least had the decency to cry. I felt sick. In my heart, I knew this was the right thing. My father wouldn’t want to keep going like this. And yet, the sick glee Georgio seemed to take in the power he had seemed evil. I’d handed him a victory I hadn’t realized he’d been angling for.
“What do you want from me?” I finally said to Georgio as my father took the last of his breaths.
Georgio narrowed his eyes. “I want you to pick a side, little sister.”
I went to my father, leaned down, and kissed his forehead. He was already so pale, so cold. But I’d done all I could for him. Later, I knew the tears would come. For now I needed air. I needed a different kind of clarity. I kissed the top of my mother’s head then left them all.
No one stopped me as I left the house. With no conscious thought of where I was going, I took one of Daddy’s Mercedes from the garage and headed up the coast.
Three days and the roller coaster of emotions I’d been holding back flooded through me. I could barely keep my hands on the wheel as my body racked with sobs. I made it a mile down the road from my parents’ house before I had to finally pull over.
Thunder cracked in the distance as I spilled out of the car. Staggering, I braced myself with a flat hand on the hood of the car as I doubled over into the ditch and vomited. I felt like I’d been holding that at bay all day as well.
He was dead. Daddy was dead. I’d tried to be strong and stoic, making my mother face up to reality. In the end, the decision gutted me. I thought I’d respect Georgio for finally making it, but now I just felt sad.
“Oh, Daddy,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”
God, I was. I was sorry for all of it. Sorry for looking the other way all these years about who my father really was. Sorry for blindly accepting all the lies he’d told me. But most of all, I was sorry that he wouldn’t be here so I could tell him the biggest truth about my life. I was in love with Zig. Wholly. Completely. Dangerously. Through it all, as sad as I was about losing my father, I couldn’t help the pull I felt back to Zig. Gino DiSalvo was my past now. But Zig might be my future if I was brave enough to take it.
Georgio told me it was time for me to pick a side. He was right, but not in the way he thought. He wanted this to be about the family versus Zig or his club. For me, it wasn’t. I knew in my heart that the side I picked tonight would be my own. I only hoped I wasn’t too late. I knew Zig was leaving for another ride. Sniffling, I wiped tears away from my eyes and straightened. My traitorous stomach threatened to spill again, but I managed to right myself and get back to the car.
Another car slowed just as the rain began to fall. “You okay, miss?” The driver, an elderly man in a white Suburban, rolled down his window and gave me a kind smile. He wore a Korean War veteran’s cap and he tipped it toward me.
“I’m okay,” I said, lifting one hand. With the other, I clutched my abdomen and opened my car door. “Thank you.”
“You sure I can’t call someone for you?”
I slid into the driver’s seat and rolled down my window. “I’ll be all right.” And I would be. As much as the turmoil of the day bled through me, I felt emboldened by the decision I’d just made. I had to find Zig. I just prayed that three days back in our own worlds hadn’t made him change his mind about what he told me that night out on this same road.
I waved to the old man. He waited for me to pull away from the shoulder and followed me for about a half a mile before turning off toward town. I could head that way too. I’d called Zig three times since this morning and he hadn’t picked up. He was off with the club today. My heart quickened with fear as I hoped he was safe. I called him a fourth time and it went straight to voicemail.
I had a choice to make. I could drive up to the clubhouse to look for him. If I did that, it would become quickly obvious to every man in that club what Zig meant to me. There was no other plausible cover story. Maybe it didn’t matter anymore, but I wasn’t about to take that chance. I did the only other thing I could think of and picked up my phone one last time.
My fingers trembled as I waited for her to pick up and prayed I’d done the right thing. Mama Bear answered, her voice halting. I’d dialed the number to the Bullock Salvage Yard hoping she’d be the one I reached.
“Josie,” I said. Calling her Mama Bear just didn’t seem like a privilege I could share yet. “This is Gina DiSalvo. I’m looking for Zig.”
Such a simple statement, but I knew full well what it would reveal to her. I banked on the fact that this woman was shrewd enough to already know. She did. Her sigh was audible and I heard a chair creak as she must have sat down.
“He’s not here, honey. To be honest, I thought he was with you. He called Bear last night and asked for the day off to handle some personal business.”
I felt hollow inside. Slowly, I pulled my car into a commuter lot just off the highway. Beyond it, the road forked. I could head toward the pier, or I could keep going and drive right past the clubhouse. The third option seemed out of the question. Until I finished what I started, I couldn’t turn around and go back home.
“I haven’t seen him,” I said, grateful to give her honesty. “But I need to. It’s important.”
Josie Bullock’s soft chuckle made relief flood through me. Earlier, I’d observed how much alike she and my mother were. Both strong. Both fiercely protective of their families. But Josie was kind, nurturing beneath her steely exterior.
“I suppose it is, honey,” she said. “Why don’t you try him at his place? Do you know where that is? He’s got a house out on Lachlan Point, past the old navy yard. You know where that is?”
“Oh, I’ve driven down that way a time or two.”
“Good,” she said. “You can’t miss it. He’s at the top of the bluff. Big blue house with white trim. When you see him, tell him I want to talk to him.”
“Thank you,” I said, clutching the phone so hard my knuckles turned white. “Thank you for everything.”
“Oh, honey, don’t thank me yet. Just watch out for yourself.”
I promised her I would and we clicked off. The storm gathered in intensity, sending purple streaks of lightning across the sky. It was the kind of thing my mother would call a bad omen. I shrugged those thoughts away and headed for Lachlan Point.
Mama Bear was right, you couldn’t miss Zig’s house. It sat high on a natural bluff with dunes all around. I slowed the car to a crawl and went up the winding drive, gravel crunching beneath my tires. When I reached the top, I cut the engine and gripped the steering wheel. Once I got out of the car, there’d be no going back. Whatever happened next, I had to be sure I meant it. The path before us wouldn’t be easy. My family might never accept me with Zig. The club might not either, but Mama Bear gave me hope.
I let that hope guide me as I got out of the car. I took only three steps and the pelting rain drenched me to the bone. I ran to the front door and pressed the bell. When Zig didn’t answer, I pounded on the glass storm door and called his name. A dog barked in the distance, but still, Zig didn’t answer.
I don’t know how long I waited. My soaked clothes clung to me. Fat droplets of rain poured down my face. I tried to wipe them away. Stepping away from the door, I tried to peer into the second-floor windows. No
lights were on except one from the kitchen. I cupped my hands to try to see inside the front window. There was no movement inside but Zig’s Harley was parked on the side of the house. Why wouldn’t he have pulled it into the garage with the storm coming?
Stepping away from the house, I crossed my arms in front of myself. I took three steps back into the driveway and pulled my phone out of my pocket, trying to keep it from getting wet. I dialed Zig’s number again. As I looked back through the front window, I could see his phone light up on a kitchen counter.
“Zig!” I yelled. He had to be here somewhere. Why the hell wouldn’t he come to the front door?
Thunder cracked again. The wind howled a warning that I didn’t heed. Something was wrong. It was as if mother nature cooked up this storm to match my churning insides. I felt nauseous again but there was nothing left for me to throw up. I walked around to the side of the house. Zig had a large wooden porch with steps leading down to the beach. I had a casual thought about how beautiful the view must be when the sun rose. I longed to sit out there with him some morning and watch it together.
The ocean churned and white caps rose along the beach. They were mesmerizing under the sliver of a moon. If I hadn’t watched them, maybe I never would have seen. But I did. I saw a dark lump just at the edge of the water line. My heart raced as my brain tried to catch up to my eyesight. I don’t remember making a conscious choice to run. But my feet flew beneath me as I took the porch steps two at a time.
“Zig!” I screamed. God, I screamed it over and over. I skidded, falling to my knees in the sand beside him.
“Zig?” My voice choked as I put my hands on his shoulders. Zig lay in a fetal position on his left side. His face was barely recognizable beneath the purple welts, and a bloody gash on his forehead.
He was stiff, cold, unmoving.
“No!” I cried. “Not you. Baby?”
I pressed my cheek to his and tried to pull Zig into my lap. Some back corner of my mind screamed a warning. No. Don’t move him. His neck could be broken.
Then the sweetest sound I’d ever heard erupted from Zig’s lips. He moaned. He was alive. His eyelids fluttered as he tried to open them.
“It’s okay, baby,” I said through my sobs. “I’ve got you. It’s going to be all right.” But the minute I said it, Zig’s whole body started to quiver. He was having a seizure.
Somehow, I had the presence of mind to get to my phone and dial 911.
Chapter 19
Zig
She was everything. An angel. Not real. Nothing was. God, I was so thirsty. But when the water came, it was vile and salty. Sand filled my nose and ground into my cuts, but I felt none of it.
No. She was no angel because there are no angels in hell. Thunder cracked, opening up the sky, but I was not headed there. I belonged far below, purging in hellfire. It started at my feet, skin peeling away as a blast of heat came up from some bottomless pit. Spikes dug in between my ribs, pinning me to the ground. I’d be here forever, paying eternal penance for the sins I’d committed. Not even Deacon could save me.
Deacon. His face appeared before me, translucent, ethereal. I made the mistake of trying to reach for it, only to have fresh pain stab through my elbows.
“He’s lucky,” someone said. Lucky? Maybe. But only because I couldn’t move anymore. Something told me that if I tried, the tongues of fire would rise higher and melt away my eyes. I couldn’t open them anyway. Not anymore.
A heard a siren song. My mother read me a story when I was a little kid. Something about sailors being drawn to the sound. They would follow it blindly, in a trance, thinking it would lead them home. Instead, they would crash against the rocks and drown. She was here too. I hadn’t seen my mother’s face in so long. It didn’t make sense. She belonged in heaven, not wherever I was. But her face smiled down at me. A lock of her white hair nearly covered one green eye. She was crying.
“The next twenty-four hours are critical.” I heard a gravelly voice talking. Heavy footsteps shook the ground. I wanted to tell them to stop. The vibrations stabbed through me. No movement. No voices. God, all of it was agony.
It grew dark, then light, then dark again. God, I would kill for water and yet it was all around me, lapping against my cheek. Tempting me. Destroying me. I’d been here forever.
“Baby?” Her soft voice was right next to my ear. When she touched my cheek with light fingers, my stomach roiled. She couldn’t know. She thought she was helping me. Why couldn’t she tell that I just wanted to sleep?
More water fell on my cheek. The salt water filled my mouth, choking me. This time, it came from her salty tears.
“I’m so sorry.” She was crying. Fingers rested on my chest. She was light and soft. She smelled like honey. I felt the sun warm my face. The sound of my own eyelids opening sent agony searing through me again and blinding light exploding in my brain.
Gina. Oh God. Gina. She was the angel that didn’t belong here. I must have dragged her down to hell with me. No wonder she was crying.
“It’s okay, baby,” I tried to say. I couldn’t tell whether any words came out. I think they didn’t because she wouldn’t stop crying. Bear stood next to her; deep lines etched his face. It didn’t seem right though. He was wearing a white lab coat and punching something onto a tablet screen.
“You listen to me, baby boy.” Gina stood beside me. Her lips were moving but it was Mama Bear’s voice coming out. “We’re not done with you yet, do you hear me? You don’t get to leave. Not until I say so. You got that? You squeeze my hand. You fight.”
I tried. I swear to God I did. But Mama Bear vanished. The edges of her face became soft and wavy, as if I were staring at her reflection in the water.
“Zig.” It was Gina’s voice again. The surf came in. It was high tide and the moonlight shimmered in her dark hair. She shouldn’t be out here. It wasn’t safe. She’d gone too far out. The riptide threatened to drag her away from me.
“Zig!” she said, shouting so loud it made my teeth rattle. Pain exploded at the base of my neck. Thunder cracked again, but this time it felt like it was coming from inside me. It rumbled low, deep in my belly, then erupted. I couldn’t hold it in.
“Zig! I need some help! He’s waking up!”
Fire shot down my spine as I rolled my head to the side and started to cough. Snakes slithered up my chest. They were choking me. Fuck. I couldn’t breathe.
Bear came to my side. He was wearing that fucking lab coat again. I blinked twice. It wasn’t Bear at all. It was a bald doctor with a serious face and thick glasses. “Mr. Wallace? Listen to me. Those tubes down your throat are helping you breathe. Don’t try to fight it. We’re going to take them out. It’s going to hurt. A lot. I’m going to count to three and I want you to cough as hard as you can. You ready?”
I nodded and the fire came back, searing my chest. If he ever did count, I don’t remember. I just remember heat and pain. It felt like tar filling my lungs when I finally drew breath. I doubled over and threw up yellow bile all over the pink tile floor.
Gina was crying. I felt her salty tears on my hand where she held it to her cheek. “Zig,” she sobbed. “Oh thank God, baby. Look at me. You’re okay. You hear me? You’re going to be okay.”
There was a male nurse on the other side of her wearing puke-green scrubs. I could see the irony in that. He held a pink cup to my lips with a striped straw. Water never tasted so fucking good as I managed a few sips. Then I was done for. I pressed my head against a scratchy pillow as Gina softly cried. The doctor shined a light in my eyes and said some things to the nurse, then he gave me a smile, patted my leg, and left.
Then it was just Gina and me.
Memories slammed into my brain. The beach. Georgio DiSalvo. There had been six of them and each had taken their turn. I tried to lift my head. I had some kind of plastic collar on. Icy fingers of panic poured through me.
“It’s okay,” Gina said, sensing my distress. “It’s just so you don’t strain your neck. You
’re okay. I told you. See?”
She put her hand on my knee and ran it down my leg. She stopped at my toes, I could just see them poking out beneath the white sheet. But I could feel her warm fingers, tickling my heel.
“You’ve got a hell of a concussion,” she said. “For a while they thought they were going to have to drill holes in your head to keep your brain from swelling up inside your skull. You’ve got like seven broken ribs, your shoulder was dislocated. They had to take out your spleen. You’re a mess, baby, but everything in you is going to heal.”
“Fuck,” I said. The word ripped from my throat. Gina grabbed the water glass and brought the straw back to my lips.
“What happened, Zig?” she asked. “Do you remember?”
There was movement by the door. I lifted my head just enough to see Bear, E.Z., Maddox, and Shep standing in the doorway. The answer to Gina’s question was one I’d need to give them first. For now, I was just glad to feel her beside me.
“I thought I died,” I said. “I thought I was in hell.”
Gina laughed through her tears. “No, baby. You didn’t. It just felt like it.” She cast a furtive glance toward the others. They read something in her face because Bear cleared his throat and they moved back into the hallway, giving Gina and me a little bit of privacy.
“I love you,” she said as soon as they were gone. Then she was on me, peppering my face with kisses. “I love you. I love you. I should have said it before when you told me by the roadside. I’m not leaving. Not ever.”
My heart lurched then soared. But I knew it wasn’t that simple. God, I just wished every bone in my body wasn’t screaming in agony.
“I love you too,” I said. Maybe it was that simple after all. But Gina’s eyes went to the hallway.
“Shit,” I said as reality slammed into my brain along with the pain. “Well, I guess the cat’s all the way out of the bag now.”
Gina looked back at me and smiled. “I don’t care. I mean it, Zig. I almost lost you. I’ve lost my father, my brother. I’m not losing you too. You’re stuck with me. The rest we’ll just have to figure out.”