by Jayne Blue
I heard Bear’s gruff voice. E.Z. raised his and I knew I couldn’t put it off another second.
“Baby,” I said, reaching up to smooth her hair out of her face. “I’m glad you’re here. But I gotta talk to Bear.”
Sniffling, Gina nodded. “I’ll be right outside. Don’t be a hero, okay? If it feels like too much, you press your call button and the nurse will come.”
I promised her I would. Gina left my side and the others came in. God, if it could only be that simple. It wouldn’t be. Not ever again. Not after I told Bear and the others what they needed to know. I knew what it meant.
Gina lingered, trailing her fingers along the doorframe. She knew. My heart turned to stone. The minute she crossed that threshold, everything would change again. A giant loomed behind her as Axle stepped into view. He gave her as kind an expression as he could muster. His features didn’t really lend themselves to kindness though. He had too much of his Comanche warrior ancestry deepening the lines of his own battle-hardened face. Gina wiped away a tear as she turned and disappeared down the hall.
My brothers were all here. I could hear Mama Bear’s voice rising further down the hall. She would have been sent in to make sure Gina stayed away, acting as sentry.
Bear came to me, his worry lines running deep. He put a gentle hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Bear.” I coughed. “It’ll take a hell of a lot more than that to take me out.”
“Don’t joke,” Bear said, raw emotion making his voice crack.
“Jesus,” I said. “How fucking bad was it?”
Deacon stepped forward. The room was barely big enough for all eleven of my brothers. How the hell they’d managed to get permission to be here, God only knew. I had a feeling Mama was at the root of it. She might have been a medic, but she had drill sergeant in her bones too and I’d wager she scared the hell out of the hospital staff.
“Bad,” Deacon said. “You’ve been in and out for a week, man. If Gina hadn’t found you when she did, you might have drowned when the tide came back in.”
A week? My heart raced. The little monitor hooked to my arm beeped an alarm. I reached for it, tearing the leads off me. When the nurse poked her head in to check, I gave her a thumbs up.
“Make it fast,” she said. “Like no-more-than-five-minutes fast, gentleman.”
Bear had a grip on my shoulder. He squeezed and locked eyes with me. “What happened, Zig? We need to know.”
I closed my eyes, wishing I could be anywhere but here. But there was no way to make this end any other way. I was caught between Gina and the club, just like I always knew I would be.
“I love her, Bear. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did.”
“Obviously,” Bear said. “And if someone hadn’t beat me to it, I might have kicked the shit out of you myself. But we’re kind of beyond that now. Do you know who did this? I’ve had feelers out since Gina found you. It’s got Hawks written all over it. I’ve been waiting for you to give me the go ahead.”
I snapped my eyes open. “The Hawks?”
“Yeah.” E.Z. stepped forward. “You’ve had your head scrambled so maybe you don’t remember. Maddox and the others got jumped near Dallas. Now it looks like they’re getting even bolder. Cocksuckers. At your own fucking house!”
There was a rumble of anger through the group. Axle looked ready to punch a hole through the wall. I tried to sit up but couldn’t manage, erupting in another round of painful coughing. The guys grew quiet as Bear helped me up. I put up a hand to wave him off and silence the guys.
“This wasn’t the Hawks,” I said, knowing my next words would seal all of our fates. God, if it could have been any other way. Maybe it still could.
“Tell me,” Bear said. “Tell me the truth, Zig.”
I nodded. “It wasn’t the Hawks, Bear. This was personal. This wasn’t about the club. Georgio DiSalvo and five others from his crew. He was sending a message about me and Gina. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t come clean about us sooner.”
Bear straightened. He gripped the bed railing with his fist. The entire crew stood stonily silent, waiting for Bear’s edict.
“Bear,” I said. “I told you. This was a personal beef between Georgio and me.”
Bear’s granite jaw clenched as he stared back at me. “No, Zig. Ain’t nothing personal about it. If it were, he wouldn’t have brought a whole fucking crew to do his dirty work. He left you for dead, Zig. Jesus Christ. I wish I could make things different. But you know how this has to go. We’re all here. No reason we can’t put it to a vote right now.”
I felt sick and it had nothing to do with my injuries. I felt as if I existed as two people. Two halves of my heart separated. There was the part I’d given to Gina. It beat for her. Bled for her. And the other … it was knit among the men around my bed. I could close my eyes and switch places with any of them. I could only imagine what I looked like to them. If Domino or Deacon or Shep were the one lying on this hospital bed and had told them what I just did, I knew my answer would be the same. There would be no question.
The guys gathered around in a semi-circle around my hospital bed. Only Deacon’s face looked as miserable as I felt.
“This is war.” E.Z. said it for all the rest of them.
Bear nodded. “It’s been coming for a long time, Zig. You know it. Gino Sr. is dead. The worst-case scenario is a reality. Georgio knew exactly what he was fucking doing when he showed up at your house, Zig. I’m not gonna pretend I’m happy about you hooking up with Gina DiSalvo. It’s beside the point now. This is about what’s good for the club. I’m sorry.”
I knew he was, but it didn’t make it any better. One by one, he looked at each member of the crew. There was really no need. The vote was unanimous until he came to me. They all voted to go to war with the DiSalvos. We had to take them out before it was too late.
All eyes were on me. I pressed my head back against my pillow. “Fuck,” I whispered. “Yeah, Bear. Yeah.”
With one word, I sealed my fate. I wished that would have been the end of it, but every man in that room knew it couldn’t be. There was one last thing and it would fall on me to do it.
“Zig,” Bear said. He looked sick about it so at least that was something. Or it should have been. Instead, I just felt hollow.
“I know,” I said. “I understand.”
“Good,” Bear said, patting my leg. “There’s no other way, son.”
No other way. I had one last thing to do and it would be the hardest of all. I would have to cut out half of my heart. I had to let Gina go.
Chapter 20
Gina
“There’s no other way, baby,” Zig said. He wouldn’t even look at me. The members of his club stood in a line outside his hospital room door. My heart thundered inside of me, broken, but somehow still beating.
I stared at him, as cold dread filled me. I’d almost lost him. The moment I reached for his lifeless body and turned him over replayed in my head on an unending loop. His face had been so gray, his eyes unfocused. Then he took that gasp of air and it was as if my own heart started beating again too. Now he stared at me with a different kind of coldness in his eyes and it was me who felt dead.
“Is this because of them?” I asked. “After all of it, are you really going to choose your club over me, Zig?”
His jaw clenched and he fisted the blankets. Given a chance, he would have torn the collar off his neck and punched something, I think. I was about to myself.
“Don’t ask me that, Gina,” he said, his voice low, toneless. “Don’t ever ask me that.”
Maybe it should have lessened the sting seeing how much this hurt him too. I should be grateful for that. I wasn’t. I wasn’t even sad. A rage began to bubble low inside of me. I’d been willing to stand up to my family for Zig. Now he was telling me he wasn’t ready to do the same.
“So it was all just words,” I said. “By the side of the road. You told me you loved me.”
His eyes flicked to mine. “I d
o love you. But that’s not the point anymore.”
“What is the point? Huh? This is crazy, Zig. Those guys out there don’t get along with my family so now you have to alter your future because of it? It’s ridiculous. My family isn’t exactly happy we hooked up either, but I don’t care. My father’s gone. I’m not going to let them run me. Why can’t you do the same?”
His eyelids fluttered. The effort of keeping whatever emotion he held in check seemed to be causing him physical pain. There was something he wasn’t telling me. The trouble was, the thing he had told me hurt badly enough.
“You should go,” he said. His words burned through me like acid. “Now.”
“Zig.” I went to him. Zig raised his hands, warding me off.
“Go, Gina. I’m sorry, but don’t come back.”
He looked away from me. My hands trembled where I held them out, wanting to touch him again. This wasn’t Zig. He didn’t feel this way. Something happened he wasn’t telling me. They’d sent me out of the room when Bear and the others walked in. This was their doing, not Zig’s. But now, it didn’t seem to matter. He was going along with it and letting my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces.
I straightened my back, trying to gather my pride. I wasn’t going to let Zig or any of the rest of them see my cry. My stomach flipped and I felt like I was going to be sick. I turned and walked toward the door. Zig’s last words seemed to echo through me even though he only said them in a whisper.
“I’m fucking sorry.”
So was I.
Bear Bullock looked at me stone-faced as I closed the door behind me. None of the rest of the Dark Saints would turn my way. Fuck them. Fuck their code. I slid my purse strap higher on my shoulder and walked past them with my head high. I couldn’t give any of them the satisfaction of seeing my tears.
When I got to the elevators, Mama Bear stood there waiting for me. When she made a move toward me, I held up a hand just like Zig had, warding her off.
“Don’t,” I said. “Whatever you do, don’t tell me any of this is for the best.”
The sympathetic mask she’d worn dropped, and Josie Bullock gave me a wry, knowing stare. “You’re right, honey. It’s not. It’s shitty. But there is a bright side to this. You’re just not going to be able to see it for a while yet. You’re not cut out for this life though, Gina. You don’t belong here.”
Goddammit. I felt my tears start to well. I hadn’t wanted to show her that either. “And I’m getting sick and damn tired of people telling me how I’m supposed to live my life.”
A smile lifted the corners of Josie’s mouth. She crossed her arms and leaned toward me. “Then don’t listen to them, Gina.” That’s all she said. After that, she walked away from me, heading back to Bear’s side. The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside.
Four days later, Mama Bear sent me a text that Zig had been released from the hospital. I didn’t answer her back. I’d spent most of those days in my room at the house. My mother found renewed purpose planning my father’s memorial service. She was dealing with the loss of the man she loved far better than I was. I could barely make it out of bed. When I did, I couldn’t seem to keep food down. All I wanted to do was sleep. But when I did sleep, dreams of Zig haunted me.
On the fifth day after leaving Zig at the hospital, my mother had had enough. She came into my room and whipped open the curtains. Sunlight stabbed across my eyes and my stomach churned again.
“No more,” she said. “You’ve been moping around this house long enough. The cousins are coming in today for a memorial service.”
“What are you talking about? You said the funeral is next week at Saint Lucia’s.”
She wore a new navy-blue suit with white lapels. My mother had also been back to the salon. Her hair was freshly dark and her cheeks shone from whatever harsh chemicals they’d used to try and smooth away her wrinkles. God, it wasn’t the threat of losing of my father that had nearly dragged her under. It was seeing him weak in that bed for so long. I could have appreciated the irony if I didn’t want to throw up from my own grief.
“That’s the public affair,” she said. “Today I want to have just the family so we can say our goodbyes together. It’s what Daddy asked for. I expect you to be presentable, Gina. Your brothers are already down there.”
“What, you mean now? It’s happening now?”
She went to my closet and pulled out the black Chanel dress I’d worn to my high school graduation. It had been less than two years ago but it seemed like a million. Daddy had been there that day, standing tall and proud beside me. Would he be ashamed of me now? As I thought it, I realized it no longer mattered. What mattered was whether I was ashamed of him.
Mommy took the dress out of the garment bag and hung it on the hook by my door. The woman was a true chameleon. Just a few short weeks ago she’d said the vilest things to me, blaming me for just about everything that had happened with my father. Now she stood with her plastered-on smile and her perfectly pressed suit, not a hair out of place.
“Don’t take too long,” she said. “I want to get this over with as much as you do. Put a little extra rouge on your face, you look pale.”
She caught her reflection in the full-length mirror I kept beside my bed. Turning sideways, she ran her hand over her flat stomach and picked a piece of lint from her skirt. Then she gave me a half-smile and walked out of the room. When the door opened, I could hear raised voices from downstairs in the foyer. The DiSalvo extended family had already arrived.
My family. My father’s legacy. That’s all that was left. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, it’s what Zig left me for. He chose his club over me and he expected me to do the same. My heart ached thinking about him. Had it all been for nothing? Had everything we shared together been just a waste?
A piece of my mother came into my heart. Appearances mattered. If I couldn’t make my insides whole again without Zig, I could at least look the part. I put on the dress. It fit more snugly than it had the last time I wore it. I’d been away at college for nearly two years since then. I piled my hair into a bun, spraying the stray pieces down, and applied the makeup my mother asked me to. Then I stood in front of the mirror just like she had, smoothing the front of the dress down as I turned sideways.
“Time to get down there.” Georgio’s gruff voice startled me. He called from the hallway. My mother must have sent him up to make sure I didn’t stall.
I went out into the hall. His cold eyes looked me up and down. “You look like hell,” he said.
“Don’t start with me.”
He grabbed me by the arm, pulling me forward cruelly until his nose almost touched mine. “I’ll start with you anytime I want. I’m the head of this family now. You might want to bury your head in the sand about what that means, but you don’t get to anymore. Do you realize how much jeopardy you put us in by playing that thug’s whore? There are rumors flying around all over town.”
My vision wavered and my blood caught fire. “Take your hands off me.”
But Georgio didn’t. He only tightened his grip and started to pull me down the hall toward the stairs. I dug in my heels. Georgio squared his shoulders and stood in front of me. “Straighten up, little sister. You’re going to go down there and you’re going to cry your eyes out like the good little grieving daughter. That way nobody will start asking you any questions that might embarrass me.”
“Embarrass you? What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m done cleaning up your messes, Gina. Today is about showing a united front to the rest of the cousins. They smell a hint of weakness and we’re fucked. You got that?”
Cleaning up my messes? Georgio made no sense. I put a hand over his where he gripped me and tried to peel his fingers away. His knuckles were rough and scabbed over. Understanding slammed into my brain. The night of the storm, before I went to Zig’s house, I’d seen him come inside, his hands bloodied.
“You did that to him?” I asked, finally sliding my a
rm out of his grip. “You’re the one who hurt Zig like that?”
Georgio narrowed his eyes at me. “Grow up, Gina.”
I shook my head, trying to clear it from the fog threatening to rise. “You could have killed him. Jesus Christ, Georgio. You meant to kill him, didn’t you? If I hadn’t ... he was lying ... oh my God!”
“That’s right,” Georgio said, getting his face in mine again. “Next time you try to go against the family, you’ll think about that. Next time, it might be you and I might not miss.”
All the blood in my body seemed to shoot straight down to my knees. He was right about one thing. I had kept my head buried in the sand about how ruthless my mother and brother could be.
“Junior,” I said, my mouth dry. “You killed him too, didn’t you?”
Georgio straightened, a sadistic smile twisting his features. “Don’t look so shocked. He was about to turn Dad over to the feds. Ask your scum boyfriend about how Junior tried to kill one of his biker friend’s girlfriends. I only did what Dad would have wanted me to and what Mom needed. But let it be a lesson to you: the family business comes first. No matter what. Even against you, little sister. But cheer up, today’s your second chance. Now go down there and turn on the waterworks. If it were up to me, you’d stay locked in your little glass tower, princess.”
Georgio crooked a finger under my chin and kissed me on the cheek before I could pull away. Then he turned and walked down the stairs.
I had ice in my veins. My heart thundered inside my chest and I put a hand flat against the wall to steady myself. This wasn’t my father’s legacy. It couldn’t be. Georgio and my mother had taken it and twisted it into something evil. I had no love lost for my brother Junior and I could believe that he would try to hurt my father to serve his own ends. But there had to be a better way.
I took two steps and felt sick again. I refused to give into it. The voices down in the foyer grew louder. I could pick out my mother’s high, lilting soprano as she accepted condolences from my father’s cousins. It was all a farce. My father had never been close to them. Since I was old enough to talk, I remembered my father complaining about how the cousins would always try to cheat him. They were the enemy, so he kept them close.