by J. L. Beck
Was I ever truly going to be okay again?
Five
Killer
The mood between Maggie and I had seemed to grow worse in the passing days. I could feel her building a wall between us, each brick making a deafening blow. Yet I couldn’t stop myself from holding her at night. She didn’t know the good she had brought out in me. The power she held over me. I knew she wanted answers, but I just didn’t have them. I wanted to leave the dreams I was having in the past. Fear wasn’t really an emotion I had ever had to experience, not when I was the one that struck that emotion in others the most.
Finding Maggie again changed that. She was the one thing that evoked emotions in me that I hadn’t felt since I was a human. She remembered me for the person I was before everything went to shit. When everyone else saw the monster in me and ran for cover, she stood her ground, draping her small arms around me. Even if I didn’t want to admit it out loud, Maggie had me wrapped around her finger. Anything she needed or wanted I would get it or do it for her, all she had to do was ask.
“There’s no information that we could find on what Maggie could be…” Gauge’s rough voice sounded on the other end of the phone as he trailed off. Our training sessions seemed tenser which I blamed mostly on myself. Physically I was holding back. I couldn’t fathom hurting Maggie now. Still, I knew she needed to feel pain and be taught how to defend herself the proper way. I just wasn’t sure I could be the one to teach her.
“Nothing? Not even any documents that show she was taking L1 back then?” I kept my voice low as I headed down the hallway towards the dorm that Maggie and I shared. Getting answers without going to the source was going to be way fucking harder than I expected.
“I’m afraid to say it, but maybe what Maggie was given had nothing to do with L1. She was experimented on before the rest of us ever were. She was a child, not a teenager or even an adult. I mean…” He paused, hesitating as if he didn’t want to ask the question but continued anyway. “Have you asked Maggie about it?”
I stopped in my tracks, my eyes dropping down to my boot covered feet. Everything about who we were was generally given to us in a memory the day we awakened. Maggie hadn’t mentioned it, therefore I figured she hadn’t had anything like that happen.
“She hasn’t brought up anything. No memories, nothing… And as far as seeing a change in her nothing is really different. She seems more…” How did I say this without it seeming weird, or overexposing Maggie?
“What?” Gauge asked.
“She seems more sexual. Her emotions are definitely heightened. I can tell you that much.” I murmured into the speaker.
“That’s not really uncommon, you know that Killer. I mean most of us have an extremely high sex drive, mirrored with the need to kill. She could just be developing a lot slower than the rest of us… I mean what female do we have to go off of, especially one as old as her with some version of the L1 in her system. Maybe she’s already surpassed all the things we currently know of. There’s literally nothing we can go off of.” I could tell Gauge was just as lost as I was, the agitation of not having all the answers plagued him.
“I’m not sure what I’ll do if I find out she’s lying to me, or better yet withholding information.” I sighed, kicking at the bottom of the wall, a black scuff mark showing as I dragged my foot down it.
“Honestly, if she’s withholding information maybe there is a reason, or maybe she just hasn’t gotten all her memories back yet.” Gauge tried to reason with me, I could tell that’s what he was doing, trying to calm the beast that was always willing and ready to play. He still worried about me, even from over a thousand miles away. I couldn’t blame him I worried about myself most days. Wondered if I could control the urge when it hit, because it would, one way or another.
“She better pray for her own sake that she hasn’t received all her memories because I’m not sure what will happen if she’s hiding shit from me.” I ran a hand through my hair, a ragged breath escaping me. I had all intentions of protecting Maggie, even if it was from me but I couldn’t do that if she was hiding shit.
“Don’t do something you’ll regret later, Killer. You know you’re not the same person without her. I’ve seen both sides of you.” Gauge proclaimed.
“I’ll do whatever it takes to protect her… That includes from herself.” I was done with the conversation because now I was pissed. The thought of Maggie lying to me was implanted inside my head. That had to be the reason she was so distant from me. It was the only reason I could logically come up with.
I gripped my phone in my hand so hard I was sure the screen would shatter. My boots stomped against white hospital like flooring as I headed towards our dorm. I could sense her as I grew closer, my body changing to match her own emotions.
Coming around the corner I stopped mid-step, my stomach twisting in knots. She was sitting in the lounge at the giant island talking to Xaiver, another project member. I had spoken to him on a couple occasions and he seemed like a nice dude then but that was when he wasn’t in Maggie’s face. He now seemed like he would be a nicer dude without a pulse.
“Killer man, I was just talking to your girl about some of your kick ass moves.” Xaiver grinned up at me, his eyes locking in on me. My own eyes were locked on Maggie though who seemed unsure of what was about to take place. I knew she was expecting me to lose my shit, after all that is what I should be doing but because she expected it I decided to switch it up and play nice.
Only once.
“I remember beating your ass at hand to hand combat. How are you?” I pulled my eyes from Maggie’s and met his while speaking the words as nicely as I could, the entire time I was biting the inside of my cheek. Blood pooled in my mouth, the delicate copper droplets sparking rage in as they landed on my tongue. Shock registered on Maggie’s face as I continued to play nicely with him.
“Beating my ass?” Xaiver raised an eyebrow at me in retaliation. I shot one back. We both knew that I could take just about anyone here. I couldn’t say everyone because I hadn’t met every single person, that and I was only half of a cocky bastard. Not a full one. Even I was aware that there would eventually come a day when someone could kick my ass. That day wasn’t today though.
“Shall we schedule a rematch of some sort?” I baited him. I was always up for a good fight; it was the easiest way to rid yourself of aggression, something I was constantly carrying around with me.
Xaiver’s eyes shot down to Maggie as if he was asking her if he could. That just seemed to make things worse, I clenched my fists tightly to stop myself from reaching out and slamming his head against the counter.
Play nice, Killer.
“A rematch? I’ve never really got to see Killer fight. I mean other than in training and that one time…” Maggie’s voice seemed far away as if she was lost in a memory or thought.
“Then you’ll enjoy it as much as I will.” I bent down nipping at her earlobe as I spoke. She squealed loudly, pushing me away, and grabbing at her ear.
“Tomorrow okay with you?” Xaiver questioned. The calm, cool, and collective person he was moments ago was gone. I couldn’t help but relate to him, we all seemed to change our emotions in the face of our enemies. Given, we weren’t technically enemies but when we got in that ring, it wasn’t to have a fucking tea party and eat cookies.
“Perfect. Three o’clock.” He finished making his sandwich and took a large bite out of it, nodding his head yes.
“See you then, Killer.” Xaiver dismissed us, walking away with his food in hand. I wanted to laugh, and I couldn’t even remember the last time I had laughed.
“You didn’t have to challenge him like that?” Maggie sounded pissed and that was astounding to me. Shouldn’t I be the one pissed?
“Challenge him? I didn’t do shit. He did that to himself.” I snapped without thought, grabbing the back of the chair and turning her towards me.
“Way to play nice, though. It’s always funny getting to see you out of your el
ement.” She smiled up at me, her perfectly straight white teeth showing. Dark brown hair cascaded down her back and her bangs were cut straight across her face, hovering just barely above her eyebrows.
Big brown eyes peered up at me, brown eyes that stirred a fire in my chest. I had given this beyond beautiful woman the power to burn me repeatedly and still I could die a million deaths and would still endure the pain of her burn. Love did crazy things to the mind and body. Love made us crazy in general, but it also made us sane.
“I played nice because it was the right thing to do. I had already staked my claim in front of all of them. Plus, I knew Xaiver.” I knew quite a few of the men here, as members of the Brotherhood were always being transferred somewhere. Still, I hadn’t gotten to experience that part of the Project society because I was considered unstable. I merely saw these men as they came and went from the Chicago Brotherhood.
“At least you’re learning something. I guess you don’t have rocks rolling around inside that large head of yours.” She teased, her eyes twinkling with amusement. I couldn’t stop myself, my hands had a mind of their own as I cupped the side of her cheek. Her skin was soft and warm. It wasn’t scarred, or ruined by the battle of fighting for your life for years.
She was different than me, and her being alive in the flesh was one huge stark reminder of that. Whatever it was that PGI had turned her into, they didn’t want anyone to know. My thumb rubbed across her cheek and down onto her bottom lip. I could see her eyes begging me to take her, to prove to her just how deep my love for her ran. And I wanted to. I wanted to connect with her on a level that was more than just touching.
“I want you…” The words were barely audible but they were there, I heard them with my own ears, and I’ll be damned if my cock didn’t rise to attention. Still, it couldn’t happen with all these questions lingering between us.
“I want you too. More than you can possibly imagine, but we can’t… Not when there are so many unanswered questions between us. I can’t take you when I don’t even know what and who you are, or where it leaves you and me.” I was hoping that it would cause her to speak out and tell me something, maybe something that she hadn’t told me before. Instead, I was left breathless when I heard the words leave her mouth.
“Not knowing what I am or what I’m capable of scares me more than anything at the moment, so don’t worry that I don’t want this because when it comes to you Killer I’ll always want this.”
I stared into her eyes as her confession sunk deeply into my bones. Loving someone and being connected to them on a soul shattering level were two very different things. I knew nothing of love before Maggie, just anger and rage. Still, I knew that if anything ever happened to her, or if PGI ever found her and hurt her again, it would be soul shattering. It would destroy me to the core. It would end the existence of who I was.
Six
Maggie
“We need two doses of L1 and a sedative.” A deep voice rang out. Twisting my head to the side I tried to see who it was that was talking. My body ached all over and my mind was moving at a snail’s pace as I tried to blink my eyes open. Darkness flooded my thoughts. It was as if I was immobile, maybe even paralyzed.
“Here, sir.” Another voice responded. I could hear their heavy footsteps as they walked across the wood planks of the floor. What was going on? The last thing I remember was…? I couldn’t even get the thought to form. Everything inside my mind was mushed together.
“When she comes back she might remember more than she needs too.” The same voice spoke again. My throat burned as saliva refused to move down it. I wanted to speak, to ask questions and get answers but I couldn’t. There was no way to communicate with them.
“That’s fine. We can always go back and take away what we don’t want her to know later.” He sounded so sure of what it was he was doing as if it was something he did day in and day out.
“Are you listening to anything that is coming out of my mouth or would you like to be killed at the first chance of someone getting access to the fact that you’re a project member?” Killer asked, his hands on his hips. I couldn’t remember what it was that we were talking about, a new memory hitting me with far more intensity than expected.
“I don’t go around announcing it.” I blurted out. I’ve had just about enough of his antics. The days of training with Killer had taken a turn for the worst. If there was a way for him to not touch me he would take that route. He said everything was okay between us, but his actions spoke way louder than any words he could ever say to me. When would he realize I wasn’t the same person I used to be before the change? I was stronger, faster, and mentally I could handle anything. Still Killer continued to treat me as if I was a fragile being.
“Again Maggie…” Killer picked up one of the sparring bars that looked like a large cotton swab and hit me in the side with it. The impact caused my attention to return back to the present. It also caused me to take my own bar and nail him in the head.
“Again Killer…” I mocked. I was frustrated and maybe acting a bit childish, but what could I do without spelling it out plain and simple. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw the rage in his eyes turn towards me. Every look that passed between us, brought us closer together. Killer was afraid of being who he really was around me. The man I had met months prior was not the same man that I knew now. He was holding out on me, and he knew it as much as I did.
“Do you take a damn thing that comes out of my mouth serious?” He growled in frustration, throwing his bar to the ground. He looked up at me and I could see the color of his eyes changing from the steely blue I love so much to black.
“Give me a break Killer. You act like I haven’t been in here busting my ass for the last week. Like I don’t realize anything, in fact, you treat me like the human I no longer am.” I seethed, walking over to him to make sure he heard every word I had to say. I couldn’t allow this behavior to go on with him for much longer.
“Don’t…” Killer’s voice was different, deeper, and darker. I craved it. Lived for it. My heartbeat sped up as I pushed him towards the edge just a little bit more. I had to know the old him was still in there, still capable of coming out.
“Don’t what?” I tiptoed around him as if I was eyeing him up. Tension filled his muscles, his chest filling with a breath that he refused to release. I casted my eyes to his, taking note of the veins bulging around his clenched fists. He was going to blow up soon. I leaned into his body, my breasts pressing against his mid-section. I had to do something to break him, to bring him out of this emotionless state that he was in.
I didn’t need to be protected anymore. I needed to be loved and by this man standing before me.
“Maggie…” Killer’s voice was no longer his, the tone of this voice changing to an animalistic growl. My stomach flipped and my pussy clenched, wetness growing between my thighs.
“You don’t want to admit it, Killer. You don’t want to know that I don’t really need you anymore…” I whispered the words knowing it would set him off. In the blink of an eye, one of his hands reached out. I felt the moment his fingers sank into the warm flesh of my throat. Air rushed into my lungs and my body tingled all over. Maybe this is what we were really meant for.
“You don’t want to provoke me, Mags…” His growl did something to my soul. It awakened pieces of me that I didn’t even know existed. “Or maybe you do…” He narrowed his eyes. Even though his hand was wrapped around my throat−and if I was a smart woman I would’ve been fearing for my life−I still smiled in his face. God had given me a beast of a man to tame, and I would do just that.
“Admit it.” I challenged. I could feel his cool breath on my cheeks as his eyes scanned my face, dropping down to my lips as I spoke. The man I loved more than life was standing right in from me, the mask he had firmly in place no longer covered his face. Why couldn’t he see that the person I wanted him to be was the person he was right now?
“Admit what? That you’re making a
grave mistake provoking me like this?” Each finger on his hand that was wrapped around my throat sunk deeper into my skin, the flesh aching with the pressure and strength of his grip. Still, the smile lingered. Call me masochistic, but I longed for this side of him. The darker, uglier side. Raising my own hand, I cupped the side of his face. The skin was rough against my palm.
“If provoking you brings out the best side of you, the side that I love most, then I suppose I am making a mistake.” I kept my voice soft, but firm. I had missed out on years of life with him, only to discover him as a new man. Yes, there were secrets that surrounded our entire life and they were threatening to shake the very ground we both stood on, still life was too short to not let him know that I had swum the unbearable waters to find him.
The man I fell in love with was a memory of the man I now loved, still they mirrored one another creating the best person they could be. He needed to come to that realization.
“Don’t pretend… Don’t act like this, like this is what you need in your life. I have the power to destroy you with a snap of my fingers…” He leaned into me, the smell of soap and danger encompassing me. “I crave the blood that runs through your veins, Mags. I crave this…” He pushed me up the nearby wall we’d found ourselves on days ago, taking his other hand and shoving it between my thighs as if to show what exactly it was that he craved.
“Killer!” A male voice pulled us both from the euphoric cloud we were on just as I felt his hardness on my leg. Killer placed me back on the floor as if I was a flame of fire in his hands, burning him alive. Rejection hit me right in the heart, but it mingled with the urge to force him to take me back to our room.
“Did you just have your hands wrapped around her throat?” I blinked my eyes trying to bring myself back to the present, the overhead light of the arena blinding me for a moment. What was going on? Why was Ty yelling at Killer and why wasn’t Killer saying anything? Shoving in front of Killer, I pushed him behind me, well as far as you could push a grown man the size of Hulk. Glancing up I realized just how close to Ty I really was.