by Elsy Green
Sophie places her head on my shoulder and lets out a long sigh. “I’m sorry. We’ll figure it out. I promise, we’ll figure it out.” I lay my head down on hers nodding even though I don’t believe her. This dream confirms one thing, I’m broken and no amount of fixing is going to save me.
C.12
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Sophie looks over at me with an uneasy smile. It’s been almost a week since my last episode, we call them that now. Because dreaming just doesn’t seem to do them justice any more. It’s an episode, an out of body experience that terrifies me to my core. Not because of what I see, but because of what I feel. It’s too real to be fake, it’s too real to be anything but a part of me.
One episode every day since the day I went out with Ethan. They aren’t like the others; they aren’t dreams and they aren’t long drawn out memories like before. These episodes, they’re like brisk flashbacks. Times when Riella was happy, alive, and free. I feel them rather than see them.
The wind on my face on a warm summer day, water splashing me as I race through a field laughing. Savoring the sweet taste of a rich chocolate cake, the smell of old worn out leather and sulfate as I hug Theo, running through a quiet open road far away from town. My heart racing in my chest as Jaxon leans down to kiss me.
Sophie thinks they have to do with Ethan. She thinks I was led to him and now Riella is trying to get to me through my senses, trying to tell me something I’m not quite grasping. I don’t know what I believe. I feel like I can’t tell the difference between this life and hers. I feel like I’m going crazy. Like I’m waking up from a long amnesic episode only to be left confused and muddled.
And now what was supposed to be a nice normal date with Ethan has turned into a recon mission. I’m not as convinced as Sophie about exploiting Ethan, but there is a small part of me that wonders if maybe, just maybe, he could be the key to everything.
So, I’ve agreed to go out with him. Not because I want to pick his brain and use him to quiet Riella, but because I like him and I want to be with him. Regardless of what happens to me, I want one night of normal. One night where I can forget everything and just live in the moment.
Sophie wouldn’t agree if she knew my whole plan. She thinks I’m going to be doing everything in my power to extract information from him, but I don’t care as much about that stuff as her. I’ve accepted my fate. I know Riella’s not giving up. I can feel it; she’s closing in on me. I’ll be damned if I don’t let myself enjoy the last moments of freedom with a boy I could have really been happy with.
“I’m fine. Really.” I wave her off with a fake smile.
“Okay, but call me or text me if you need anything at all. And I mean anything. I’ll come get you before you can even get the words out.”
I smile and pull her into a hug. “I love you Sophie.”
“I know.” She squeezes me back. “Now, stop being so dramatic. You’re going to be fine.” She holds me at arm’s length and smiles. “And most importantly, remember what I taught you. Pucker up and use the fruity lip gloss, trust me on that one.”
I laugh just as Ethan’s car pulls up to my house. Sophie came over to help me get ready and work on my dream board of course. She’s been obsessive over that thing, working on it day and night. I think deep down she’s just as scared as I am, she just doesn’t want to admit it. She can’t, she’s my rock in this. She has to stay strong for both of our sakes.
She scurries to her car, practically bouncing up and down with excitement to have a night to herself again. She’s going to be spending it with her boyfriend Mason. They’ve been together for as long as I can remember and he’s probably been feeling neglected ever since my episodes started. Sophie’s been waiting on me hand and foot.
She waves to Ethan giddily and jumps in her car wearing a huge grin. I watch somberly as she drives away. I haven’t seen her smile like that in a long time. I’ve taken away our normal. I’ve become a burden to the once fiery and optimistic Sophie. I’ve stolen her livelihood, and given her no hope for returning it. She doesn’t deserve this, no one does.
“You look amazing,” Ethan breathes breaking me from my dark stupor. I hadn’t even realized he was standing in front of me.
“Oh, thank you. You too.” I force my fakest smile hoping he won’t notice my sulking. Maybe I wasn’t ready for this date, maybe I didn’t think this through all the way. I can’t involve another person. I can’t involve Ethan.
“This old thing?” He motions to his shirt with a smirk. When I don’t laugh, he moves in closer, pulling my chin up with his forefinger. Our eyes meet and his brow furrows in concern. “Allie? Are you okay?”
I can feel the tears welling in my eyes, but I push them back. I can’t let him see me like this. I’m supposed to be normal tonight, remember? This is my last night of normalcy!
“Yeah, totally fine.” I shake off the depression that wants to creep over me and give him the most genuine smile I can.
His furrow deepens, a frown forming on his lips as he studies me intently. His beautiful eyes darting across my face as he holds my gaze to his.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You say the word and I’ll leave.”
“No.” I grab onto his hand afraid he’s misinterrupted this entire thing. “It’s not you. I want to be with you. It’s just…I’m…” I shake my head. “Nothing. It’s just nothing. I’m sorry, where are you taking me tonight?”
Ethan sighs and steps away, unsure of himself. He’s obviously confused, I would be too, this is all really deep stuff for the second date and I’m not about to ruin it by telling him. “Allie—”
“No.” I stop him, placing a finger to his lips. “Don’t. It’s not you, I promise. And I’m not going to say it’s me because that’s too cliché, but it is. I’m fine now. I was just having a moment. Everything is all good. Come on, I’ll take you to my favorite spot in town.” I grab on to his arm and pull him to his truck. He’s a little reluctant, but doesn’t oppose me as I open his door and we hop in.
I stay in the middle sit, sitting as close to him as I can. Trying to memorize everything he makes me feel. Every jolt of electricity he sends through my body, every rush of adrenaline that spreads through my veins, every tingling that takes over my nervous system. If this is it, then I want it to be the best night of my life. Starting and ending with Ethan Miller and everything I could have had.
“Okay, where are we going?” He turns to me with a dreary smile. I frown and shake my head.
“Well first we are going to wipe that frown from your face. First stop on this Greenville tour is the beach. The only place that can cure any ailment.”
“I didn’t know Greenville had a beach.”
“Yeah, you just follow this…” I furrow my brow as I look up at the street ahead. “Huh. I can’t seem to remember which road to take. I always walk.”
“You walk? Oh, then I’m sure it’s around here, I’ll look it up.” He pulls out his phone seemingly recharged as he types nearest beach into his map. His face contorts into something of confusion as he brings the screen closer and frowns. He stares at it puzzled for a few minutes, his fingers pinching and tapping on the screen before he finally puts it down and turns to me with a hesitant smile.
“You know what, I have a better idea.”
“A better idea? Did you not find the beach?”
“Um…it’s a bit of a drive, I have to be home by curfew tonight. It’s probably better if we just stay in town.”
“Stay in town?” I chuckle awkwardly. “What route did you click on? It’s just a short walk from my house.” Ethan purses his lips together staring at anything but me as he tries to conjure up what I assume is another excuse. The beach isn’t that far, why doesn’t he want to go.
“Ethan?”
He clears his throat and pulls out his phone still avoiding eye contact. “Maybe there is one closer, sometimes these things aren’t as accurate as they can be.�
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I take the phone from his hand sure he’s just a novice at using one. He’s got a map of Greenville pulled up and in his search bar he’s typed in beach. So far so good. The only thing is there isn’t one for miles, like hundreds of miles. Greenville is smack dab in the middle of solid land. There isn’t a coast for five hours.
I stare at the screen confused. I swear I’ve been to the beach a million times, right here in Greenville. I used to walk there, barefoot even because it was so close. I would leave through my back door, unlatch our back gate and there would be a beautiful white sandy trail that led to the ocean. At least that’s how I remember it.
I swallow down, the realization hitting like a pack of bricks. It’s not my memory. It’s hers. That’s not possible. It’s not possible for me to have a memory of something I’ve never had an episode of, never dreamed of. I shake my head, pushing away the fog as I think long and hard. I’ve never ever in my life been to the ocean. Allie has never been to the ocean. Riella has, a million times. How do I know that? How in the world do I know that?
I run a hand down my face and hand Ethan his phone back. I’m having a relapse, I’m remembering Riella’s memories. Memories that I shouldn’t have, memories I shouldn’t remember.
“Hey, it’s okay. I know this really good frozen custard place. I’ve heard amazing things about it. I’m sure it’s just as good as the beach.” I hide my face in my hands wanting to disappear. I can feel the tears welling again, the ones that are always there waiting to escape, waiting for me to finally accept my fate and break down.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” Ethan pulls my hands away from my face and turns me to face him. “Really. It’s okay, we all make mistakes. I’m sure you are just remembering something differently. It happens.”
“That’s the problem.” I frown looking down at the ground.
“The problem?”
“Remember when I told you about those dreams? The ones Sophie thinks are of us as reincarnated people?”
“Yeah.” He nods.
“Well…I think they’re getting worse. I think…I’m remembering what she did. She’s becoming a part of me, a part of me that I don’t want.”
“Riella?”
“Yeah.” A tear escapes down my cheek as I finally admit it out loud.
Ethan scoots in closer, wiping the tear from my cheek with his thumb. He wraps his big, strong arms around me and pulls me into a warm hug. My entire body squished up against him as he holds me close. I let out a relieved breath as I lean into him, feeling unburdened for the slightest second as I breath him in. He smells amazing, like peppermint and mahogany and it makes me think of home. Not the home I’m sitting in front of, but home home. And that thought unsettles me.
I pull away and wipe my face, looking away ashamed. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be such a basket case. Maybe we should just go get that ice cream.”
Ethan pulls my chin towards him, frowning as he shakes his head. “You aren’t a basket case. You are amazing Allie. This thing, it’s going to be okay. You’ll get through it, whatever it is. I’ll help you.”
“No. No.” I shake my head. “I don’t want that. I just want to be normal. I just want to be the normal girl that you take on a nice date tonight and then hopefully ask her out again.”
I turn to him suddenly feeling guilty for making him think this is about him. Like I just made this beach thing up and am using it as an excuse to get out of a date.
He gives me a sad smile and nods. “Okay. I can do that.”
‘Thank you.” I turn forward and scoot even closer to him as he starts the car.
“Can we just forget the whole beach thing?”
“Of course, but…you know it might help to open up about all this to someone.”
“Like a therapist?” I turn to him slightly offended he would suggest that. Am I really botching this acting normal thing that horribly?
“I’m not insinuating anything, I’m just saying I’m here for you, if you ever need to talk.”
“Oh, well thank you.” I turn away from him ashamed for jumping to conclusions. I need to get ahold of myself if I want this turn out normal in anyway. “So…what do you like to do in your spare time?”
He turns to me with an understanding smile. He knows I want to move on from this subject and he’s happy to oblige. “I’m on the soccer team, they let me join when I transferred. Practice and games take up a lot of my time. So whenever I get any free time I spend it in the garage, fixing up some of my dad’s old cars. It’s kind of a hobby of mine.”
“An athlete and a mechanic. Color me impressed.”
He chuckles. “It’s not that cool, I just like to see how things work. My mind works better when I can visualize everything laid out in front of me and then put it together with my hands. It keeps me busy, out of trouble. What about you? What do you like to do with your spare time?”
“Well…I mostly spend my free time with Sophie. She’s pretty social so drags me to a lot of the school events, but when I’m not with her I prefer curling up with a good book. Oh, and on Saturday’s I really enjoy the farmer’s market here. It’s pretty popular, great produce.”
“The farmer’s market? I’ve never been to one of those. Everything was fast food or came from a supermarket in D.C.”
“Well you’re missing out. Ours is pretty good, especially for how small our town is. We have people visit from all over. It’s mostly for our apples. We grow amazing apples.”
“Apples eh? Does that mean you can make a mean apple pie?”
“Ha. No. I don’t cook, or bake.”
“Really, you strike me as a baker.”
“Nope.”
“Not even a little? I’m getting an amazing chicken noodle soup vibe from you.”
I laugh and shake my head. “I burn microwave food.”
“Hmm…I may need to show you a thing or two then.”
“Sounds like a date.”
“Our fourth if I’m counting right?’
“Fourth?” I look over at him confused.
“Yeah, the farmer’s market next week will be our third, and then me teaching you to use the microwave will be the fourth.” I throw my head back and laugh. He’s smooth, really smooth. I like it. It makes me feel all warm and giddy inside, something I haven’t felt in a long, long time.
“Smooth.”
“I may have a few tricks up my sleeve.” He winks. “But honestly I just assumed we’d be hanging out every weekend, I mean if that’s cool with you.” I bite down on my bottom lip trying to contain my giddy smile and red cheeks.
“Yeah that’s cool.”
“Cool, so how you and Sophie met?”
I furrow my brow at his question, suddenly realizing that I’ve never contemplated that. Sophie and I have always just…co-existed. “We always knew each other growing up, but I don’t remember the exact moment we became friends. It was just like one day we were acquaintances and the next we were inseparable.”
“That’s pretty cool. She seems like a good friend.”
“She really is. Those dreams I told you about, sometimes they are a bit…much. She’s been really sweet; staying over, keeping a notepad of the details, doing tons of research. It’s really nice to have someone like her.”
“I bet, a good friend is invaluable. I haven’t had many good friends because I move so much. It seems like I find a friend and then I’m off again.”
“That must suck. I don’t know what I would do without Sophie.”
“Yeah, but now I have you so I think I’m good.” I laugh and shake my head. He’s obviously kidding, but I like the idea. Being friends and hopefully more with Ethan.
“Fine by me, but don’t expect me to do any of that sports talk, I can watch them just fine, but talking about them is a whole other ball game.”
He laughs and nods. “Deal. We will watch, but never talk about them.”
“I think I can handle that.”
We both smile at each other as he pulls into the parking lot of our local park.
“I thought we were going to get ice cream?”
“I thought maybe it would be nice to have some quiet to ourselves.” He looks over at me hoping he didn’t overstep. I smile and nod, thankful for his thoughtful gesture. He wants to talk to me without the entire town gawking at us or worse interrupting us.
Ethan pulls out a blanket from the backseat and turns to take my hand, leading the way through the large grassy area. It’s really beautiful at night actually. The cool grass glistens in the moon light, crickets sing a pretty tune in the background, and the moon and the stars shine brightly above us. It really is the perfect spot; I can feel the tension practically rolling off my shoulders with each step we take.
He stops in the middle of the field, laying down the blanket and lying down on top, motioning for me to join him. I do, lying my head on his shoulder as he opens his arms to me. I smile as we stare up into the starry night, feeling the slightest burst of normalcy, my optimism of getting over these episodes growing each minute I spend with Ethan.
“It’s beautiful.”
“It really is.” Ethan reaches his arm around me, intertwining our fingers and pulling me closer. I smile at the excited tingles that coarse through my body at his touch. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. “I didn’t get to see a lot of these in D.C.”
“What was it like there?’
“It was busy, always busy. Different. A lot faster paced than here. I didn’t have a lot of chances to just sit and think. It was kind of like the city worked against me, kept my mind preoccupied so I’d never figure it out.”
“Figure what out?”
“That I didn’t belong there.”
“Why would you think that?” I turn up to stare into his memorizing eyes that are staring right at me.
“Because you weren’t there. When I’m with you, it’s clear that this is where I’m supposed to be.” I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face as he leans in and captures my lips in his.