by Elsy Green
My entire body goes into a goose bump covered, muscle tingling, electrified overdrive. Everything inside of me bursting with emotions and feelings I’ve never felt before. It’s like I’m seeing stars and hearing music while my body is on fire, but in a good way. Like a never put me out kind of way as I soar through time and space, my mind bursting with a euphoria I can’t contain any longer. And then I’m somewhere else entirely.
C.13
“I thought I’d find you here.” I smile at the sound of his voice as he comes up behind me.
“I had to get out of there.”
“I know the feeling.” He crosses his arms over his chest as he stands next to me and looks out onto the ocean. He’s found me at the beach, the place I always come when I need to think. And right now, I need to think about a lot.
It’s not like the beaches before, at least that’s what Nadia used to tell me. It’s artificial, fake, constructed by her and her colleges. An artificial ocean that pulls from the real one far away, but I don’t know any different. None of us do.
“Did you stop by the house?”
“There’s no need any more.”
“It’s still your home.”
“No. It’s not.”
“Ri, how can you say that?”
“Easily, Jaxon. I’ve never had any connection to it, not now, not ever.”
“Riella—”
“Did you come here for a reason?” I turn to him in frustration. I came here to be alone. I came to be alone after a blundered meeting with my friends, him included. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing from them, or what I wasn’t hearing actually and it made me angry, like really angry and rejected. I was feeling things I’d never felt before. Anger, frustration, rage. Theo once told me we weren’t made like the others. We weren’t made with those kinds of flaws. Yet, here I am fuming at the people I once called friends.
“I came to comfort you.” He turns to me with a patient expression. He’s always been good at that whole patience thing.
“Funny, where was that support back in the dorm? It seemed like you were eager to take their side.”
“There aren’t sides, Riella, we aren’t saying no. We are only saying we need more evidence. You and Ryss haven’t had the best relationship, we can’t risk everything for a whim. There is much more at stake than you think.”
“A whim? I brought you guys evidence! It obviously wasn’t enough!”
“You brought us everything we’ve already seen and some top-secret files we can’t decrypt.”
“Yeah, well how was I supposed to know she could actually do something better than me?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t make this a competition. It’s what she wants.”
“Maybe it’s what I want too. That way at least I have a reason to take her down.”
“It’s not.” He spins me around to face him, pulling my clenched jaw up with his finger. My eyes find his and I take in a deep breath, those turquoise gems seeing right through me.
“You miss them. Seeing her is a trigger. It’s okay for us to feel. I was taught that emotions aren’t bad, they are essential to being human. It’s when we act out negatively on those emotions that we get ourselves into trouble. Don’t let her get inside your head, don’t let her cause you to act out.”
“Ugh.” I roll my eyes at his lecture. “Feelings muddle everything. I wish they would just…go away.” I turn away from him and stare angrily at the fake ocean.
He turns me back to him, a small smirk creeping onto his lips as he grabs my hands and intertwines them in front of us. “Oh it muddles everything huh? Does it muddle this?” he leans in and kisses me softly on the cheek causing the tips of my toes to curl in with desire.
I smile and shake my head. “You can’t charm your way out of this.”
“Charm? I would never.” He puts his hands up in faux surrender and I playfully shove his chest. He laughs and pulls me into a bear hug instantly calming every single misfiring emotion I have.
“We care about you Ri. I care about you. I can’t lose you. There are rules in place, if Phantom is doing something wrong the Government will stop her.”
“But what if they don’t? What if they don’t know. Something doesn’t feel right about it. I know I don’t have the data, but I have this deep sinking feeling in my stomach that I can’t shake. It’s like something bad is about to happen, really bad and we are just pawns in her game.”
I feel Jaxon’s Adam’s apple move as he swallows down, my cryptic words sinking in. We both know what she is capable of now. He cradles me closer to his body letting out a slow exhale.
“Okay, then I’ll help you.”
I look up at him hopefully. “You will?”
“Of course. I was always going to help you; I just didn’t want you going in guns blazing. If we do this, we do it like we do everything. With a plan and perfect execution.”
I smile a cheesy lopsided grin nodding gratefully as I nuzzle my head back into his chest hugger him tighter. “Thank you.” He kisses the top of my head and smooths down the hair that is flapping away in the wind. “What if we find something?”
“Then we will do what we always do.”
“Which is?”
“Save the world.”
I pull away from Ethan gasping for air as I clutch onto the blanket beneath me. I hunch over, my entire frame exhausted as I take in deep, ragged breaths. That was one of the most vivid episodes I’ve had. It felt more real, more draining like somehow, I was siphoning part of me into something else.
I blink frantically, trying to make out my surroundings. I’m still at the park, I’m still in Greenville. I’m still here. I let out a shaky breath and turn my hands over and over trying to focus on them as I catch my breath.
Thankfully Sophie thought of a brilliant plan to help me determine the dream land from reality. She painted my nails a vibrant green and adorned my ring fingers with little crystals. I’m even wearing jewelry. It’s just in case something like this happens. Just in case I need to determine what’s real and what’s not. Staring down at my colorful finger nails definitely helps. I’m awake.
It was just another episode. Another stupid episode that ruined my first kiss with Ethan. I don’t remember anything but that stupid memory of Jaxon and Riella. I kissed him and then I was taken to my dreamland, AWAKE!
“What…what did you do to me?” I turn to Ethan with confusion, I had kind of forget he was there, I was dealing with a bit of a crisis of my own.
Ethan is staring at me with terrified eyes, those familiar turquoise eyes full of fear and uneasiness. I cock my head to the side, my mouth opening to answer but now words come out. What is he talking about? Did I hurt him? Bite him or force my tongue in his mouth while I was unconscious in my dreamland.
“I saw us at a beach, but it wasn’t us. I mean I don’t think it was. I called you Riella and you were calling me…Jaxon.” His eyes go wide as he whispers that name, the name I called him the first day we met. The name I told him belonged to a character in my dreams. I swallow down a horrified lump in my throat, my eyes growing just as round as his. That’s not possible.
“What did you do to me Allie?” I stare at him speechless. This can’t be happening. This is impossible, unless I’m in another dream. Panicking I scrabble to my feet and race towards the parking lot. This isn’t real, this isn’t real this isn’t real. I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m doing, all I know is I need to wake up.
Stumbling through the park, I make it to the parking lot searching frantically for someone or something I can use to get home. But the stupid parking lot is empty. Completely empty!
“Ri—Allie. Stop! Come back!” Ethan calls after me, getting closer every minute I waste standing paralyzed in the parking lot. Unsure what to do I let my feet guide me. They take off towards the woods. I can follow them until I get to the highway, surely someone will be there that can help me. All I know is I need to wake up and
I need to do it quickly.
I race through the brush, weeds, and low branches cutting up my legs as I sprint towards the highway. Ethan is closing in on me calling after me, begging me to stop, but I can’t. This isn’t real, this isn’t real and I can’t let him pull me into it.
I see lights before I see the road and let out a relieved breath. As I get closer to the road and Ethan’s screams become more panicked, I realize what I have to do. I don’t need help from another dream character. I need to awake up. If cold water, looking at my hands and trying to fly won’t work than death certainly has to. I have to jump in front of a car.
Closing my eyes and not letting myself think about it, I race in front of the lights that are coming in my direction. I hear a loud drawn out horn and tires screeching as they try to break. Gravel crunches under the wheels, metal hits metal and then there’s silence.
“What in the name of—” An angry Sophie emerges from the driver’s side, her eyes wide as she stares at me. She doesn’t even need to hear what I have to say, she knows. Ethan calls after me again and we both look to the woods. He’s coming to the clearing, slowing down as he looks back and forth between me and Sophie. I’m still standing in the middle of the street, paralyzed with fear. Sophie’s car run off the road.
“Allie? What are you doing?” His eyes are full of worry, his voice low with concern.
“I’m dreaming Sophie. I’m dreaming, you need to wake me up. You need to hit me.”
“You aren’t. I promise you aren’t. Look at your hands, and then look at me. You’re awake.” I look down at my shaking hands turning them over and over again, counting the lines, feeling my cuticles, touching each finger to my thumb. Seeing the ugly green color slathered on top of them. The big bulky crystals my dream self could never conjure up. I look up at Sophie and Ethan, he’s made it to her side, both of them staring at me with horrified expressions.
“I’m awake.” I let out a terrified sob as I stumble to my knees. Ethan is at my side in seconds catching me as he lowers me to the ground. Sophie rushes over helping him with the task.
“What’s wrong with her?” He looks to Sophie.
“You need to help me get her to the car.” Sophie ignores him. He nods and picks me up effortlessly carrying me to the passenger’s side. I tremble with horrified sobs and avoid his penetrating eyes. I can’t look at him right now. I can’t face the truth, not in front of him.
“Sophie, what’s wrong?” he asks again as he sets me down in the seat and buckles me in. She shakes her head and pulls in her lips refusing to answer. “Sophie.”
“I need to get her home Ethan, just let me get her home.”
“I can help. I want to help.”
“No. You can’t help anymore. Thank you.” She reaches over and shuts my door shutting him out as she skids back onto the highway and leaves him on the side of the road completely stunned.
We drive in silence for a few minutes before Sophie grabs my hand and squeezes it. It’s the first time I realize I’m shivering. I’m cold on a July night. I never get cold, never in Greenville. It’s always the perfect temperature. I look over at her blurry silhouette as tears continue to stream down my face.
“What happened?”
“I…I kissed him,” I stutter
“You did? Well are you okay? Did he hurt you?”
“No.” I shake my head rapidly. “No. I kissed him and I had another episode. I saw us on a beach, we were talking about getting more information or something and then I woke up and Ethan was staring at me confused.”
“Okay, well maybe you just blacked out. That’s okay. He can understand that.”
“No. Sophie.” I bite down on my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. “He saw the dream. He saw what I saw. I did something to him. I’m sick Sophie. I need help.”
C.14
I hear them everywhere, they’re surrounding me, closing in and preparing to strike. I have nowhere to go. I have no escape. She’s invaded my mind, bringing along all her friends to torture me. She wants to take over and I have no defense to stop her.
After Sophie brought me home, I was sick to my stomach. I raced to the bathroom and vomited the contents of my stomach. Hovering over the toilet, I replayed everything in my mind. I thought about the series of events that just took place. I thought about Ethan and what he must think and I vomited again. I recalled his terrified face when he asked me what I did to him. And again, I vomited. When I thought about somehow transferring this…this infection on to him there was nothing left to purge.
That was the only reasonable explanation. Whatever I did, I somehow passed this parasite onto Ethan. He saw my dream. He saw everything that I did. I open my mind and forced whatever I am into his. I had done something I couldn’t undo.
Then the voices came. Tons of voices calling out to me. It was like the moment mine and Ethan’s lips touched I was transported from my body. Allowing any walls I had put in place to keep Riella away to crumble with each passing second.
The later into the night it got. The more voices that came. The more paranoid I became. I finally realized the truth. I didn’t do anything to Ethan, he had done something to me.
Whatever he did, he brought them on. All of them. It’s not just Riella anymore, it’s an entire army. Ryss, Jaxon, Nadia, Theo, Ceres, and a few other voices I don’t even recognize. They take turns screaming at me. All of them swirling around in my head. It’s like an intercom has been switched on in my brain and they are each taking turns screaming into it.
Their words swirl around my head. Voice after voice calling out to me, warning me, lecturing me, talking to me. Telling me things I don’t comprehend. I can’t tell who’s speaking anymore, all I can hear is voices. Quiet at first, even one at a time. And then they exploded. Yelling over each other, jumbling together in a big giant mess of words and emotions!
“Riella! STOP!”
“You need to wake up, Ri. You need to see the truth.”
“Bring her to me, and all her friends too! I’ll kill every last one of them!”
“Ri, don’t let her get you down. Don’t let her get the best of you. Remember who you are.”
“She’s stronger now, more powerful. We have to tell them. We have to warn them.”
“Don’t give into temptation. Be bigger than her, be better.”
“We can’t just sit on this. They won’t listen to us. We’ve lost all crediability. We have to do something. WE have to save them!”
“How can you think that? She’s your sister?”
“We are nothing anymore. You are nothing anymore.”
“You don’t understand Riella if we start this war, she’ll take us all. She’ll kill us just for sport.”
“Please! NO! DON’T! CERES! Riella don’t let them take him, Riella please! Do something!”
“You can’t tell her, no matter what happens. What we’ve done, it dies with us.”
All I can hear is them. Yelling at me, warning me, comforting me, lecturing me. They’re all in there, all jumbling around in my brain. I can’t focus on anything else. I can’t see or hear anyone else. All I see is darkness. I’m stuck in a black hole, the voices raining down all around me as I drop to my knees and curl up in the fetal position covering my ears as I rock back and forth.
I don’t even notice if Sophie is still here. I don’t even know if she’s still holding me whispering comforting things in my ear. I don’t know if she’s wiping the sweat from my face. All I know is that I’m lost in this abyss, and I might not return.
I try to listen. I really do. I want to escape. I want to hear them so they’ll let me go, but it’s all too much. They’re talking over each other, saying things that don’t fit. Nothing is matching up. One minute someone is yelling, the next they are sad, or happy, or murderous. It’s all a mess, a huge exploding mess that I can’t take anymore! I can’t do this! I can’t keep listening to this!
Crawling to my knees, I place my hands
over my ears as tightly as I can. I squeeze my eyes shut blocking out everything as I scream at the top of my lungs. Pushing away everything and everyone with the force of my bloodcurdling cry!
They must take pity on me, because one second, I’m screaming like a banshee at the top of my lungs and the next I’m collapsing on to the cold, hard ground surrounded by silence. Beautiful bliss silence.
That’s when I feel it. The foreign object in my arm. The cold liquid pushing through my veins. I use all the strength I have left to pry open an eye. There are strange men dressed in uniforms hovering over me. They lift me onto a gurney and carry me from my house. I watch completely paralyzed as a red eyed Sophie clings to my hand and tells me everything is going to be okay. They load me into an ambulance and then the darkness returns.
I’m alone now. No one else is here. It’s just me and the darkness.
It’s still quiet. Not even my own thoughts have broken the silence in my mind. I think I scared them away too. I scared everyone away.
I blink slowly at the ugly green door. It’s almost as ugly as the carpeted room I’m currently imprisoned in. My mind is slow, my body sore and weak. It barely responds to my commands, everything moaning internally as I try to move. Even my brain is like a slushy inside my head. Swishing around with each movement. I’m drugged. Completely and utterly drugged.
That makes sense though. It’s taken me a while, but I’ve figured out where I am. Greenville’s Behavioral Institute. The only lockdown unit in Greenville. It’s where they keep all the crazies, which is me, I guess. I don’t know how long I’ve been in here, but judging by my breath and tangled hair I imagine a couple of days.
They’ve changed my clothes, dressed me in some sort of hospital gown. Removed all the rings and nail polish from my fingers and placed ugly blue socks on my feet. The kind with the skid free bottoms that just feel like you’re walking on tiny balls all day.
It’s eerily quiet. Too quiet. It reminds me of one of those haunted houses, where you know someone is there watching you, but you can’t see them or hear them. It’s just you, by yourself, slowly inching through a dark, creepy room. Waiting for the next monster to jump out.