Double Clutch

by Liz Reinhardt

  I rubbed his temples, up into his hair, down the sides of his face and all around his eyes. He breathed low and deep, almost like he had fallen asleep. His face relaxed, all of the muscles finally slack. He was beautiful. He had it all; great skin, great bones, great hair. He was just bad enough to be interesting, he was brilliant, he was funny. Soccer forward, AP student, resident badass, and the love of my life’s personal martyr.

  I pulled away, but his hands reached up and caught me around the wrists. He still had his eyes closed. He ran his fingers up and down my forearms.

  “Please, Brenna,” he said in a voice so unlike Saxon’s usual voice that I could hardly believe it was him speaking. “Don’t stop yet.”

  My hands shook when I put them back on Saxon’s head, smoothing his hair back and running my fingers through it. I traced his features, ran my hands over the skin of his face and along the column of his neck. It wasn’t until he shifted, and I saw exactly what my touch was doing to his lower regions that I pulled back.

  “I have to get home, Saxon.” My voice shattered the tension in the air.

  “Right.” He sat up and climbed into the driver’s seat while I squirmed into the passenger’s.

  We drove out of the now-empty parking lot and along the winding roads to my house.

  “Are you going to tell Jake?” The minute I got back in the front of the car, I wondered if I had just dug myself into a deeper hole than I could get back out of.

  “What? That you rubbed my head? It isn’t exactly a lurid story, Blix.” His voice was hollow, like he was saying the words and playing the game because he knew he had to, not because he really wanted to.

  “All of it. The kiss, the rides, the phone calls. All of it.”

  “I’d like to have something just between you and me, Brenna,” he said finally. “Jake and you are what you are. If I have to take your head rubs and rides home like some dog begging for pathetic scraps under the table, I guess that’s what I’ll live with. But they’ll be my pathetic scraps.”

  “If you told him…”

  “You would both hate me. It’s not like I’d win your hand at the end of it anyway.”

  I felt a shiver go through me at the thought of being Saxon’s girlfriend. It was mostly disturbing and not all that appealing; but it was also kind of fascinating.

  “I saw you leave with Karen Tanner the other day.” I hoped it led somewhere, but knew if that was true the last half hour would never have happened.

  “She gave me head, Blix.” His voice snapped at me like he hoped I would be shocked and disgusted. “It was good enough. She’s nice enough. I think she’s into a senior guy on the team, though. I was just someone to pass some time with.”

  “Oh.” I tried hard not to be prudishly shocked at the thought of a girl going that far with someone she had no intention of being with more permanently.

  “I tend to be someone to pass the time with.” It was a little self-pitying, but mostly just true and we both knew it, so neither one of us said anything more on the topic.

  We were in my driveway. Mom wasn’t home yet.

  “Thank you for the ride.” My breathing was all over the place and my head started to spin. I followed Coach Dunn’s advice; two breaths in, one out.

  “Thank you for the head rub.” He turned to me, his lazy, frightening smile back and more dangerously gorgeous than ever. “I have other parts that could use a rub. You’ve got great hands, Blix.”

  I rolled my eyes at him, not even bothering to get worked up over that. I opened the car door and went to get out. Saxon grabbed my hand.

  “Invite me in.” I could see something desperate in his eyes. He was only half kidding.

  “No.” I shook my head for emphasis.

  “We don’t have to tell anyone. I promise, you’ll like it.”

  I didn’t feel offended or mad or anything like that. Most of all, I felt tired. And sad. That Saxon had to fall for me of all people. That he and Jake couldn’t be friends. That he was brave and good and smart, but so completely screwed up. That even at his most vulnerable, I knew in my heart he was somehow damaged and could really hurt me.

  No matter how dangerous he was, I was drawn to him. I couldn’t stay away from him.

  “No, Saxon.” I leaned back into the car and kissed him on the side of his mouth. “Go home now.”

  He clenched his jaw hard and as soon as the door shut, he peeled out of my driveway so fast he kicked up dust and gravel.

  By the time Mom got home, I could hardly keep my eyes open. She came in my room and sat on the edge of my bed. “You look beat, Bren.”

  “Yeah. Practice kicked my butt.” I stretched, and my muscles screamed in protest.

  “You made the team.” She brushed my hair back with her fingers.

  “I didn’t even have to try out. Coach Dunn said she could just use my class runs as my tryout. It wore me out, but I think I’m going to love it.”

  “Congratulations, sweetheart. Tell me your meet schedule. Thorsten and I want to see you run.” She worked her fingers through a knot in my hair.

  “Mom?”

  “Yeah, honey?”

  “Saturday there’s this race.” I didn’t know how to tell her.

  “Do your friends have plans to go?” she helped.

  “Yeah. Actually, there’s a motocross race early in the day, and then this band called Folly is going to have a show later that night. I actually designed a t-shirt that they’re going to sell there.”

  “That sounds fun, sweetie. You’re a real teenager now, with all these exciting plans. No more Saturdays home playing in your room,” Mom said, and her eyes were a tiny bit sad.

  “Oh, Mom,” I blubbered.

  “Ignore me.” She waved a hand in front of her face and blinked hard. “I’m happy for you. I guess I just had last year to pretend you were a little girl again, so I didn’t have to face how grownup you’re getting. Tell me about Saturday,” she insisted.

  If telling her about general plans made her so sad, what would she say when I brought up Jake? “My friend is the one riding the dirt bike. He offered to pick me up on his way. If you don’t like the idea, it’s okay.”

  Mom sighed. “Bren, I really don’t want you driving with all these teenagers.”

  “It’s okay. I could get dropped off.” I had to make it there for Jake, and I wasn’t about to take any chances.

  She looked at me hard. “Let me meet him on Saturday. I need to see if he’s responsible. But I don’t like it.”

  I grabbed her hand. “I don’t like it when you don’t like it,” I told her. It was the truth.

  “That’s what makes you such a great kid.” She shook her head. “And that’s why I don’t like to say no when I know something’s important to you.”

  “Thanks, Mom. Seriously, I appreciate this.”

  She squeezed my hand then got up to leave. At the doorway, she turned. “Bren?”

  “Yeah, Mom?”

  “Is he a boyfriend?”

  I was so tired of lying. So guilty. And I trusted my mother, no matter what. “Yes,” I said. “He’s great. And I really want you to meet him.”

  She pressed her lips together like she was trying to keep from crying. “Okay. I love you, sweetheart.”

  When she left my room, I had nothing better to do than stare at my ceiling. Kids were always bitching about how terrible their parents were, grounding them, screaming at them, being suspicious, being nasty. But I couldn’t imagine anyone having it worse than I did. I had awesome, loving parents who cared about me, and every time I lied or made them sad, I felt a crush of guilt that turned everything sour.

  My cell finally rang. I was so tired, I could barely fumble for it. I picked it up and yawned.

  “Brenna?” Jake laughed.

  “Hey you,” I said. “How was work?”

  “Hell of a lot better since I didn’t have to freeze my ass off riding my dirt bike back and forth.”

  “Isn’t that illegal, Jake?” I as
ked sleepily.

  “Only if you get caught.” I could hear his smile. “Thanks for playing hooky with me.”

  “I’d say ’any time,’ but you might convince me to never go back.” I laughed a punchy need-to-sleep laugh.

  “You’re adorable when you’re tired. Go to sleep.”

  “Not yet,” I babbled. “I have to tell you something.”

  “What is it?” I could hear his can of soda pop.

  “I told Mom. I told her about you today. And she wants to meet you. Saturday.” I yawned.

  “Cool,” he said, his voice a little nervous. “Did it go okay?”

  “She almost cried. Like I told you, Jake, she’s sad about the idea of me dating, not the idea of me dating you.” My pillow felt deliciously comfortable.

  “I’m really glad. Thank you for telling her. I put your bike in the garage. You guys should really lock it.”

  “Thanks. Thorsten’s Danish. He never thinks about locking doors.”

  “I’ll meet you at the end of your road tomorrow morning. What time do you head in?” He sounded really excited.

  “Usually seven thirty.” I snuggled under my comforter. “Jake, you don’t have to.”

  “I’m just psyched to get to see you every morning, Brenna.” He was crunching down on something.

  “Sandwich day?”

  “Tuna and pickles. I love you, babe. Get some rest.”

  “I love you, Jake Kelly,” I said dreamily as I let the phone drop on my bed and fell into an instant, deep sleep.

  Chapter 12

  The next morning I woke up super early, probably because I fell asleep before eight o’clock. I had time to shower. Blow dry my hair. Put on a lot of makeup. Change three times. By the time Mom was at the table with my oatmeal, I’d already been up for almost two hours.

  “You look good, sweetie.” Mom kissed my head and sipped her coffee.

  “Oh, look Mom.” I lifted the black and white striped ballet neck sweater I loved and showed her my Folly shirt, the one with Kelsie and Chris and the hearts.

  “Bren, this is so beautiful.” She leaned close to look at the design elements. “The font is perfect. I love your color contrast.” Her eyes glowed with pride, and she grabbed my face in her hands, smushing my cheeks between her thumb and fingers. “I love you, my talented girl.”

  I smiled, my cheeks still squashed. “Luff you, too.”

  She released me and I headed out, knowing she would watch me ride down our driveway and onto the street. It made me feel bad and sneaky for agreeing to ride in with Jake. Maybe I should just ask her. I would, I decided, after Saturday. There was enough to worry about up until then.

  I stopped my bike down the road from my house and saw Jake’s blue truck. He got out and threw my bike and helmet in the back.

  “Hey beautiful.” He leaned over to kiss me, and it was still so shockingly good and exciting it sent shivers through me. I hoped kissing him never got boring. “Did you eat?”

  “Yeah,” I said, still recovering from the feel of his lips on mine. “I always eat breakfast.”

  “I figured, but I picked this up, so maybe you can just eat it later.” He handed me a bag with an orange juice and a bagel with cream cheese.

  “Mmm. I just felt my appetite come back. Thanks, Jake. That was really sweet.”

  He was so happy to be driving, it was ridiculous. Jake was always a happy guy, but in the matter of one day he went from basically happy to goofily, fantastically, colossally happy.

  “I’m kind of freaked out to meet your mom,” Jake confessed suddenly. “But I’m also glad. That you told her. I know it was hard for you.”

  I chewed carefully. “It’s not about you, Jake.” I hoped what I was telling him was accurate. My mother was going to grill him a little, and I figured Jake would probably have all the wrong answers. But I didn’t want to coach him at all. I was becoming pretty averse to lies. I wanted to tell Jake the truth about everything, but I just couldn’t do it. And now the lies were a tangled nest, a constant hissing threat in the back of my brain. I didn’t want any more of that.

  “I hope it isn’t. I have a button down shirt.”

  I smiled. “Aren’t you going to be racing a dirt bike?”

  “Yeah, but I can change in the truck.” He glanced at me, his eyes almost hidden under his ball cap. “I want to make a good impression. You think it would be too much?”

  “A shirt with buttons?” I teased. “I think my mom will be able to handle it.”

  “Smartass.” He grinned and threw his arm around my shoulders. “Maybe I should do share time,” he said as we pulled into the parking lot. He took my hand in his lightly.

  “You could, Jake.” I tried not to get too excited. I couldn’t imagine his Tech academic courses were any challenge. “You’re in district. I could help you with your homework.”

  “I’ll look into it for next year.” He smiled shyly. “Do you think I’d be in any of your classes?”

  I knew Jake was smart, but I couldn’t see him in AP Government or Honors English. I had completed my math requirements overseas. I was decent at math, but bored by it, so I figured it would be better to get them done. I was also a little ahead in science, but would be back in physics next year.

  “Maybe. I might have some senior classes next year. I have a weird schedule because I homeschooled last year, but I’ll tell you what I’m taking next year when I decide.”

  “So that’s why you have classes with Saxon this year?” Jake asked suddenly.

  “One class. The class is mostly juniors,” I said carefully. Saxon was still a super sensitive topic between us. “But I’m not totally a sophomore. I’m like a sophomore and a half.”

  “So you’re in some junior classes?”

  “Just government. With Saxon. Same as we do in VoTech.” I grabbed his cap off of his head and brushed the hair that fell into his eyes back. “You need a haircut.”

  “You want to stop talking about this?”

  “I want to stop talking,” I slid over to his side of the truck. The interior was cavernous, so I had to drag my butt over a good two feet to be near him. I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him long and hard. I had my hands at his shoulders. I loved how they felt; big and muscled. He ran his hands down my back and grabbed me hard around the waist. He jerked me towards him, and soon we were fairly tangled around each other. I loved the taste of him. I loved the feel of his mouth against mine. I just loved Jake Kelly.

  Finally I pulled away. “Gotta go. We’ve got a group project on Lord of the Flies today.”

  “I finished the book!” Jake said and ran a hand through his already mussed hair. “Holy shit, they were some frigging messed up kids!”

  “I know!” I cried. “I hated that one who was Jack’s henchman. He was so creepy.”

  “Stick-sharpened-at-both-ends-boy?” Jake grinned. “What a little freak.”

  “How’d you like the ending?” I leaned back for a better look at his face.

  His forehead creased as he thought it over. “I didn’t see it coming. I thought it was just going to be Armageddon. But I guess the end Golding wrote was more depressing than that.”

  I looked at him for a long minute. “You thought it was more depressing than Armageddon?” I asked, curious how he could have possibly come to that conclusion.

  “Yeah.” His eyes were serious. “Because it was just the truth. You know, no big war to blame it on or anything. Just the sad load of bullshit they all swallowed because…I guess because Jack made a world for them where bullshit was all there was.” His smile was lined with sadness, and his chipped tooth glinting in the morning light.

  I shook my head.

  “What?” He looked sheepish.

  “Don’t pull that humble act with me. You know you just dissected Golding like an Honor’s English student. I want you to seriously think about share time, Jake. I need someone smart to debate with in English class.” My head was spinning. I had underestimated Jake’s Englis
h skills by a mile. I kissed him and put his cap back on his head. “See you after lunch!”

  “Brenna! Um, do you want me to get you before lunch? We could eat together. If you want.”

  Duh. We had the same lunch period.

  It would mean not eating lunch with Saxon and his friends anymore. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

  But eating with Jake was appealing enough to tempt me.

  “I’m not really supposed to leave.”

  He flashed me an eager smile. “Who’s gonna know, Brenna? Come to the dark side.”

  “You’re a bad influence.” I leaned in and kissed him again. “I’ll wait right here for you. Don’t be late. They have lot monitors.”

  “I’m never late.” He roared towards Tech, and I walked into Frankford.

  Saxon waited in the lobby. He walked next to me, not saying anything for a while.

  “Jake’s driving.” There was so much more to that statement than the obvious. Saxon’s ability to drive me had been a gold ticket he held over my head.

  “It’s a farmer’s license,” I explained. “He’ll be able to get his real license in a month.”

  “You don’t need a ride to his race,” Saxon said, his brows knit.

  “No.” I bit my lip. “It’s better this way, Saxon.”

  His laugh was coarse and rough. “Yeah, better for you, Blix.”

  “And you.” I put a hand on his arm. “Come on, Saxon, this isn’t real. You and me, this is all a game, isn’t it? Why don’t we just stop?”

  “I can’t.” He grabbed me and pulled me into the cove in the hall where the perpetually empty student planning offices were. We were tucked into a small, dark space together. His eyes were on me, gleaming with anger. “It’s not just a damn game. Whatever it is that I feel for you is more real than anything I’ve ever felt before.”

  “Because you can’t have me,” I insisted, my voice high. “Because I’m with Jake. It’s just your testosterone, Saxon. And maybe your ego, too.”

  “That’s a load of bullshit. I thought you were good at seeing through that.”