Robert Asprin's Myth-Quoted

by Jody Lynn Nye

  Emo stood at his end of the table and gave us all one of his wide smiles. “I would like to thank all of you for coming. This has been a long and puzzling road. I hope that we can come to an agreement and bring our journey to a fair and considered end. I now call this meeting to order.” He tapped the wood with the base of his glass. His assistants scribbled busily in their notebooks.

  Wilmer leaped up from his chair. “You aren’t chairing this meeting, you scoundrel! If anyone is, it should be me!”

  Bunny turned her most authoritative glance on both of them. I had been on the receiving end of it more than once. They both reacted exactly the same way I would have: They cringed. “I am running it, on behalf of M.Y.T.H., Inc. I declare this meeting open.”

  “Death to Weavil-Scuttils!”

  A loud, female shriek burst upon our eardrums. The speaker materialized standing on the table. She was a Tipp with green-dyed fur, artistically ripped leggings, and a loose smock. She ran toward Wilmer and upended a metal pail.

  “Don’t you dare!” Wilmer protested, but too late. Soggy ooze cascaded down over his head.

  “Skeeve!” Aahz yelled.

  I was already on it. I clapped my hands.

  The mud halted in midair. Well, most of it. About a cupful hit Wilmer square in the mouth.

  “Confound it!” he bellowed, spitting out gray matter. “Farsnarit! Megrabolindo!”

  “Watch your language, pal,” Guido snapped. “Dere are ladies present.”

  Wilmer shut his mouth and wiped peevishly at his face with a handkerchief.

  I reversed the flow. The mud sucked upward into its container. The intruder looked stunned. She turned the bucket upward to see what had happened. I let the mud go. It exploded up into her face. Momentarily blinded, she sneezed liquid sand.

  By the time she came up for air, Guido and Nunzio had hauled her off the board. They marched her unceremoniously to the door and tossed her out into the empty hallway. Her pail went tumbling after, clattering on the floor. Aahz glared at me.

  “You’re gonna have to lock the place up, kid,” he said.

  “I did lock it up,” I said, peevishly. “Someone broke my spell.”

  I reached into my reserves and started to rebuild the invisible walls, but not before more protesters burst into the room. A young Tipp in purple charged out of the air waving a banner that proclaimed Weavil-Scuttil forever! Chumley grabbed him and tossed him out the door before he could drape it on Emo. The banner fluttered out after him. Chumley slammed the door. He had to open it again a second later to eject a pair of screaming Emo fans and a very hefty Wilmer supporter who were already fighting among themselves when they appeared. Aahz took all three of them by their collars and heaved them out. I sucked up as much magik as I could and rebuilt the screens tighter than a Pervect’s wallet.

  “You did that!” Emo and Wilmer shouted at one another, pointing accusing fingers. They turned to Bunny in unison. “I had nothing to do with that!”

  “Sit down,” Bunny commanded.

  The candidates glanced at their campaign managers. Orlow and Carnelia nodded slightly. Emo and Wilmer sat down.

  “Now, if there are no more interruptions,” Bunny said, pausing to see if there were any, “thank you all for coming. Please help yourselves to refreshments. I am sure you need a stiff drink after all that.”

  One underling on each side leaped up and made for the beverage tables. They served the candidates and their managers before they brought anything for themselves or the other underlings. I also noticed that the managers got served first. That told me something about the chain of command. I saw by the slight narrowing in her eyes that Bunny hadn’t missed it. Neither had Aahz. He finished his bucket of champagne and cracked the neck off another bottle with his teeth. Carnelia cringed. He grinned at her.

  “Let’s cut right to the chase, shall we?” Bunny asked. “At the request of both Mr. Weavil and Mr. Weavil-Scuttil, we polled the citizens of Tipicanoo regarding this election, and they want—”

  “Which one of us do they want?” Emo burst out. “It has to be me!”

  “In your dreams, youngster!” Wilmer said. “It’s me the good people of this island deserve.”

  “—and the absolute consensus among the citizens is that they want this election over with as soon as possible!” Bunny raised her voice over theirs. “You agreed that you would both sponsor M.Y.T.H., Inc., to oversee an election if it was found to be the will of the people, and I promise you, it is. So, what’s the hangup? Why can’t you two agree on a date and settle this already?”

  Carnelia cleared her throat. “I speak for Mr. Weavil-Scuttil when I say that I’m happy to have your fine company offering its assistance. We have been uncertain of the fairness of such an operation. We had to wait until we were sure that there were no tricks involved in the vote count. If it took a long time to gain that assurance, then so be it. We just don’t trust those people over there to keep their word.”

  “You . . . people are the reason nothing has happened,” Orlow said, jabbing a finger into the tabletop. “Miserable tricksters! Rumormongers! Every time we offer the olive branch, you batter us over the head with it!”

  “Who dropped what on whose head?” Carnelia demanded. “How about that ten-ton weight that came out of nowhere during Wilmer’s speech on the environment last month?”

  “It didn’t hit him, did it?” Orlow countered. “Your campaign magicians caught it before it hurt anyone. And let me say again we had nothing to do with that!”

  “Just like you had nothing to do with that mudslinger who broke in here just a minute ago? That’s why we don’t want to set the date. We don’t want you setting traps for us on election day!”

  “Well, you can hold your breath waiting!” Emo snarled. “I was all ready to let it happen last fall when you came to that private little breakfast meeting with us. I thought you all had agreed on the terms. It was all settled and set. Then the next morning there was an article in the paper saying that there was collusion between the parties and the voters were going to be disenfranchised! Violently! You must have leaked a false rumor to the press. I felt betrayed. Betrayed!” He slapped a dramatic hand to his chest. “I can never take part in a farce with you purple poltroons!”

  “We didn’t leak anything to the press! We told you that at the time!” Wilmer said.

  “Pardon me for not believing you,” Emo said.

  “Well, it’s not as if your word is any better!”

  “Are you waiting for one of you to drop dead?” Aahz asked. “Letting it drag on for five years would be punishable by death in some dimensions.” He eyed Emo and Wilmer with a speculative yellow eye. They recoiled and fell silent. I grinned. Bunny rapped Bytina on the table.

  “We have gone over the records,” she said. “I’d say that the dirty tricks have been pretty well divided between both sides. So, whoever was responsible, since both of you are claiming total innocence, was an equal opportunity annoyer.”

  “Whoever it was,” Carnelia said, with a saintly expression.

  “Exactly,” Orlow agreed.

  Bunny went on. “We will give you our professional guarantee that only registered voters will vote, no one will be coerced to choose a candidate that he or she doesn’t want, and the count will be certified by Hass and Gotz of Zoorik.” Chumley shuffled forward, in full Stupid-Troll mode, and handed each manager a crumpled parchment with the well-known gold seal of the Gnomes on it.

  “Well . . . that sounds pretty nice,” Orlow said, after straightening out the document and perusing it twice. He aimed an accusing finger at the opposition. “But we have to get our issues before the people before they go to the polls! What’s going to stop those scalawags over there from sabotaging our speeches?”

  “Debates,” I said. “We’ll oversee a number of public debates. You’ll have a chance to put your case before the voters on topics agreed on beforehand. We’ll referee them so that each of you has exactly the same amount of time to talk
. . .”

  “. . . Tell all your lies,” Aahz added. “Make all your campaign promises that you won’t keep . . .”

  “Aahz!” Bunny said.

  “It’s an election, Bunny!” Aahz said, turning up a palm. “If it were science they’d be proposing a theorem, then proving it. As it is, all they can do is tell the people what they think they want to hear. The most convincing one wins. Politics is a game in which plausible people who want the job come out and tell outrageous lies to the constituents, who buy one story or the other, and then when they get elected to office, they do whatever they want, regardless of the promises they made.”

  “That’s stupid,” I said.

  “That’s politics,” said Aahz, with a shrug. He leered at the candidates. “I can’t wait to judge your speeches. Which one of you saps is going to lose the most debates?”

  “Mr. Aahz!”

  “Just Aahz.” He leaned back and put his hands behind his head.

  Bunny went on, reading from a paper she had prepared. “We will oversee a fair, calm, and rational campaign. With that in mind, you will have to follow certain rules. You all must agree that there will be no attempt to buy votes. No gifts may be given to anyone over one copper piece in value. You’ll stick to a schedule agreed upon beforehand by all parties. All events will be handled with dignity and respect for your opponent and his colleagues. And, at the end of the month, the voters will go to the polls,” she concluded.

  “One month!” Emo said.

  “That’s hardly enough time to tell my constituents all my plans for them!” Wilmer said.

  “One month,” Bunny said firmly. “Aahz is right. If five years hasn’t been long enough to persuade people to vote for you, then you should step aside and let a better-prepared candidate take office. Well? Decide now. You have”—she opened Bytina and consulted the clock face that popped up on the little round screen—“five minutes to decide.” Bytina began to play a perky little tune with a ticktock beat.

  Emo and Wilmer eyed one another.

  “Dear lady, may I have a word with you?” Orlow rose from his seat and made his way around the table. He put an arm around Carnelia’s shoulders and led her smoothly to one side of the room. The two of them put their heads together. Their mouths moved, but from where I sat I could hear only a faint hiss. Aahz tilted one ear in their direction. I sent a small thread of magik snaking through the air to eavesdrop.

  BZZZP!

  A loud burst of static exploded in my ears. I jumped. From the look on Aahz’s face, he got the same treatment. I glanced at the campaign managers. They had surrounded themselves with a silence spell overlaid with a masking noise. I tried to penetrate it with a little more magik. All I got was louder static. I thought it was a pretty good spell. I’d have to try out something similar for future use when I needed confidentiality.

  Orlow and Carnelia came up for air and went to whisper in their employers’ ears. Emo and Wilmer looked surprised, then suspicious, then resigned. They nodded. Bytina finished her song and erupted with a cheery DING!

  Orlow turned to us. “My guy says yes.”

  “So does mine,” Carnelia said.

  “Good,” Bunny said. She looked as relieved as I felt.

  “And no one will know the terms of our agreement here?” Orlow asked.

  “You have our word that no one in our company will let the details drop,” Bunny promised.

  “Even though you have established a very cushy relationship with the Morning Gossip?” Carnelia asked.

  “So cushy they published an embarrassing story about me on the front page this morning?” I asked pointedly.

  Carnelia looked surprised. “Well, perhaps my sources were incorrect,” she said apologetically.

  I frowned. “What sources?” I asked.

  “Well, you don’t think the Morning Gossip is the only paper in town, do you?” she asked.

  “Of course not,” Bunny said, smoothly. “But they were the first ones to open their archives for us. That gives them first crack at an exclusive. When we decide to give it to them.”

  “And what exclusive would that be?” Orlow asked.

  “Well, how about our decision here?” Bunny asked. “That would be a scoop anywhere. The rest of the papers would rush to interview both of the candidates. Front-page headlines!”

  The candidates perked up. “Of course we would have to prepare statements,” Emo said.

  “And prepare press kits.”

  “Then we won’t make the announcement until tomorrow morning,” Bunny said. “Don’t leak it until we give Tolomi the heads-up. Do you promise to keep it under wraps until then? Cross your hearts and hope to die?”

  “Of course!” Emo and Wilmer chorused. The assistants all hastily jotted down notes. I wondered how long that promise would last.

  “Good! That’s all settled.”

  “There’s one more teeny-weeny little thing,” Carnelia said.

  “Of course,” Bunny said, smiling. “We’ll do whatever we can to help.”

  Carnelia pointed at Aahz. “I don’t want that Pervert involved.”

  Aahz snarled. “That’s Per-vect.”

  “Not from where I’m standing, Scaly,” she snapped back. “I’m not used to having my intelligence insulted.”

  “You work in politics. I thought that was a given,” Aahz said.

  “Aahz!”

  “It goes for our side, too,” Orlow said firmly. “We’re willing to work with you, Miss Bunny, and the rest of your staff, but that Per . . . that guy’s got to go. Otherwise, we’ll just have to muddle through the way we’ve been going on. We don’t need M.Y.T.H., Inc., that badly.”

  Bunny bit her lip. “All right. If that’s the way you want it.”

  “We do,” the managers said in unison.

  She turned to Aahz. “We’ll meet you back at the office in a little while, Aahz.”

  Aahz’s ears drooped. “You’re kidding! You’re going to let them shove me out of here like an unwanted puppy?” He pointed at me. “What about Skeeve? He’s the one who had to be bailed out of the hoosegow.”

  Bunny gave him a look of heartbreaking appeal.

  “You heard the clients, Aahz. Please? We’ll talk later.”

  I was appalled, but torn at the same time. Bunny couldn’t be sacrificing one of our partners for the convenience of a client, could she? She was throwing out Aahz, my best friend, so we could take on a job? “Bunny, you can’t do that.”

  Her wide blue eyes appealed to me. “Skeeve, I have to. The customer is always right. You know that.”

  The customers in question couldn’t hide their smug satisfaction.

  “All right,” Aahz said, kicking back his chair in disgust. “I’m done with this situation. I wouldn’t come back to this dimension if you begged me.”

  BAMF!

  He disappeared in a swirl of papers. The room had gone very silent.

  “Very well,” Bunny said, in a small voice. She cleared her throat, and her voice regained strength. “I want both candidates and your managers to sign this agreement. It sets out the conditions we’ve been discussing and binds you to them. We’re going to hold an election next month. Everything has to be in order.”

  She pushed the stack of documents to me but wouldn’t meet my eyes. I floated the papers to both parties, nearly overshooting the ends of the table because I was so distracted. I knew Bunny could be ruthless; it ran in her Family. I had simply never seen her do anything like that before.

  The candidates and their managers signed on the dotted lines. Bunny had bought the forms from the same suppliers in the Bazaar who furnished paperwork to the Mob, so as each Tipp set pen to paper, the sharp corner of the contract turned up and ran itself against the palm of the signer.

  “Ow!” Wilmer bellowed. “That thing drew blood! Look! It’s all over the bottom of the page!”

  Bunny smiled sweetly. “Just to make sure you don’t dispute whose signature is on it later, Mr. Weavil-Scuttil.”
r />   “You act like you don’t trust us, Miss Bunny,” Carnelia protested.

  “Just being a careful businesswoman, Miss Vole.”

  “Not used to signing in blood,” Wilmer muttered, finishing his name with a flourish.

  “I am,” Orlow said. He didn’t wince as the contract did the same to him. A drop fell to the parchment.

  With another wisp of magik I retrieved the documents. I shoved the stack over to Bunny, who squared up the stack and handed them to Chumley.

  She put on a bright smile and beamed at Emo and Wilmer.

  “That’s it, then! We’re going to have an election!”

  “May the best Tipp win,” I said.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  “Life is a matter of give and take.”

  —U.S. “UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER” GRANT

  We escorted the two parties out into the hallway, now vacant. They hustled out, the managers in deep conversation with their candidates. The underlings trailed behind, scribbling in their notebooks.

  I sniffed the air. It smelled of flowers and oil, as it had before, but there was a hint of still-warm cigar smoke close to the door. None of the campaign staffs had been smoking. I took Gleep up and down the corridors. No one else was in this part of the building. Where had it come from? Had someone been listening to us?

  Bunny came up and tapped me on the shoulder.

  “We’re all clear. Let’s go back to the Bazaar.”

  I spun to face her, bitter words pushing at my lips, but I held them in.

  “Right,” I said tightly. When everyone was close enough, I set my D-hopper and pushed the button for home.

  BAMF!

  Holding on to my temper, I moved everyone back to our tent in the Bazaar. As soon as the familiar wave of hot, dry air hit me in the face, I turned to confront Bunny.

  “How could you do that to Aahz?” I demanded. The others backed out of the room quietly. Even Gleep slunk out of sight.