Robert Asprin's Myth-Quoted

by Jody Lynn Nye

  “Do you think he might do something . . . extreme?” I asked, suddenly worried. “He just doesn’t strike me as the kind to take physical action against someone else.”

  “Oh, don’t let that white hair fool you,” Carnelia said. “He was a champion swordsman in his day. His favorite weapon is twin flaming sabers.”

  Bunny and I exchanged concerned glances. With his thick, scaly skin, Aahz wasn’t afraid of most edged weapons, but Pervects could be killed with fire. I had to prevent an outburst from any of the candidates that might result in injury or death.

  “I’ll see if we can tone Aahz down,” I said. “Within the rules of the contest, of course.”

  “Of course,” Carnelia said. “That’ll relieve my mind enormously.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  “I was only trying to make a point.”

  —A. BURR

  As the others had surmised, Bunny and I had no choice but to call Aahz the winner of the Meet the Candidate’s Family challenge. Whether or not he was married to Rodna or any of those children were his, they had charmed the audience more than the other families had. I had to give Aahz credit for creativity in taking advantage of the way Emo and Wilmer had bent the rules in the past. Whatever my feelings about what he was doing, he was the best. In my opinion, his opponents had no chance of winning.

  Aahz knew it, too. Instead of letting the others lick their wounds in private, he had accepted the victory as his due.

  “Thanks, everyone! I knew when I got here tonight that I had this contest knocked. So, with no hard feelings, I’m inviting the losers—oops, did I say that?—I mean, the runners-up and their families to my house for a celebration! Come on over! There’ll be drinks, dancing, prizes, and plenty of great food! Give me a one-minute head start, and I’ll get everything going!”

  The crowd cheered. In its midst, I could see Emo and Wilmer stewing. Aahz gathered his ad hoc family together and reached into his pocket.

  BAMF!

  The others couldn’t not show up, of course. Bunny and I waited until the candidates and their families had cleared out of the room. I didn’t want to be stuck next to them as we waited to board carriages.

  I welcomed a chance to explore Aahz’s new house. I knew exactly where it was. In fact, everyone in the main city knew. Aahz had paid to have cobblestones pried up from the road in the main street, leading all the way to his front door in the street above the town square, and replaced with stones in his campaign color. All you had to do to get there was follow the yellow-block road. Our carriage, drawn by a huge, lumbering beast with long, shaggy hair, pulled away from the Hotel Tippmore and made for the beginning of the stone path.

  Traffic was heavy on the hairpin turn uphill, so Bunny and I left our cab. I flew us the rest of the way, joining a number of locals who had the same idea. Gleep slithered out of the carriage and ran up the road.

  He caught up with us just before we alighted on the pavement outside.

  “Gleep!” he said. He snaked his head up and aimed for my face with his long tongue.

  “Gnaaah!” I said, wiping the slime off my cheek. “Come on, these are my best clothes!”

  “Gleep!” he said reproachfully.

  “Come on,” I said, patting him on the head. “Stay close to Bunny, will you?”

  “Oh, Skeeve,” Bunny said. “There won’t be any trouble.”

  A garden on the cliff side left a gap so you could see the façade of a grand, pillared home set into the rock. Twin, curving staircases led up to it from the street. Thousands of Fireflies were dancing in the garden between the staircases, drawing lines of colored light on the night sky. Four Tipps in muted-gold livery helped people out of their carriages, wagons, and taxis. A couple of little maids wearing frilly aprons handed a flower to each of the females. Two formal-coated butlers offered a drink even before the guests reached the front door.

  I glanced down at the bonfire and did a shocked double-take.

  “What’s wrong?” Bunny asked.

  “Look!”

  I pointed. In the middle of the Firefly show, two Tipp-shaped dummies stood, waving hello to the arriving guests. I couldn’t have been mistaken about who they were supposed to represent. One had a white wig and the other was dressed in clown-patterned fabrics. Each had a glassy-eyed, silly smile and one waving hand. Around the neck of each mannequin was a sign that read LOSER. Bunny was shocked.

  “You’d better shut that down before Emo and Wilmer see it,” she said. I rolled up my sleeves and prepared to smash the display into fragments.

  “Too late,” I groaned. At the bottom of the stairs, Emo had climbed out of his official carriage. He shouted at the Tipp valets, who turned up their palms helplessly. Wilmer, in the next car, piled out and added his booming voice to the argument.

  “He would have to rub it in,” she said.

  “It’s Aahz,” I said. “We should have known he wouldn’t bother to be subtle.”

  “Gleep!” my dragon added.

  “That’s it!” Wilmer said. He saw us and stormed up the stairs. He shook his fist in my face. Gleep lifted his head between us. The Tipp backed away a pace, but he did not calm down. “The gloves come off! Where is that Pervert?”

  “I guess he’s inside,” I said. “Please don’t overreact.”

  “Overreact?” Emo shrieked. He jabbed a finger toward the blazing scarecrows. “He’s . . . he’s saying he wants us publicly humiliated!”

  I tried to explain. “No, that’s not it. Those aren’t really you. They’re dummies that look like you . . . I mean, it’s just a—a . . .”

  “. . . An insult.” Bunny finished my sentence for me. “Elaborate presentation, admittedly, but nothing more, really. I thought politicians were always insulting one another.”

  “My dear lady, not like that!” Wilmer said, his eyes red with fury. “I am going to find him and demand satisfaction! Yes, I am! Don’t try to stop me.”

  He bustled into the house, pushing past a butler with a tray of drinks. Emo followed him.

  “Do you think he’ll really challenge Aahz to a duel?” Bunny asked in horror.

  “Flaming swords?” I asked.

  I grabbed Bunny’s hand and hurried into the house after them. Gleep snaked alongside.

  Leave it to Aahz to treat himself to the very best. We entered a foyer lined with streaked white marble. Torches in pairs burned in golden sconces on each wall. The head butler, an austere Tipp with gray temples, came forward to greet us.

  “Miss Bunny, Skeeve the Magnificent, and Gleep. Master Aahz has been awaiting your arrival. I’m Fardswarn.”

  “Uh, hi, Fardswarn,” I said. “Do you know where he is? Those two, er, gentlemen who just went in are kind of mad at him. I want to warn him.”

  “They did seem a trifle heated, if you will permit the little joke,” the butler said, a tiny smile bending the corners of his mouth. No wonder Aahz had hired him. “I don’t believe they will find him until the hour of his speech, but he would be very glad of your company. If you wait here a moment, one of the valets will take you to him.”

  “We’d better not wait,” I said. “I think they might do something we’ll all regret later.”

  “As you wish, sir and madam.” He bowed slightly and turned to greet the next guests.

  Bunny and I plunged into the bustling crowd in the reception room. More white marble in the corners of the high ceiling had been carved into little fat Tipp babies in diapers with wings and harps. Another pair of twin staircases reached to a gallery on the second level lined with bookcases. I couldn’t tell much about the rest of the décor. There were just too many people there. Servers glided from group to group, somehow not dropping the trays of canapés they carried on one hand. The rooms were full of people talking. Everyone seemed to consider that Aahz was absolutely going to be the next governor. A Tipp waitress in a very short skirt handed me a drink. I downed it. I had to find out what he was up to, but first we had to prevent him from fighting a duel with e
ither of his angry opponents.

  I made for Rodna, who was the tallest person in the room. She was beside the left-hand staircase chatting with a group of Tipp females. Bunny held on to my arm so we wouldn’t lose one another.

  “. . . Well, that recipe is in my eighth cookbook,” she said. “It’s about to go into its twentieth printing. I’ll get my publisher to send you copies.”

  “Oh, thank you!” the ladies gushed.

  “Rodna,” I gasped. “Have you seen Aahz?”

  “Not for a while,” she said. She regarded me with concern. “Is something wrong?”

  “I hope not. Where was he when you saw him last?”

  “In the dining room,” she said, pointing between the staircases to a grand double doorway.

  “Did anyone else ask where to find him, Rodna?” Bunny asked.

  “Oh, yes,” the Pervect replied. “Both of the other candidates. They looked mad!”

  “They were,” I said grimly. “Thanks.”

  A caterer setting up crystal glasses in the dining room told me to look in the library. A serving girl in the library offering drinks to guests told me to check the smoking room. Two hearty males enjoying cigars and liqueur in the smoking room sent me back down to the reception room.

  Everywhere we went, Aahz seemed to have just been there, or was expected to arrive, but we couldn’t find anyone who had seen him recently. Nor could we locate either of the two aggrieved candidates. Gleep stayed as close to Bunny as the fabric of her evening dress. No one even remotely suspicious approached us, but we hadn’t seen the attack in the park coming, either. I was taking no chances.

  “I can’t believe that Aahz actually bought this place for cash,” Bunny said, for the eleventh time, as we made our way down a paneled privy stair from the smoking room to the gallery. “He hates to turn loose a coin even for a drink.”

  “I know,” I said. “I think he just really wants to be governor.”

  “Well, the Tipps could do worse,” she said.

  “Gleep!” my dragon said.

  “There you are!” Shomitamoni stared up at us from the bottom of the grand staircase and stumped up to meet us. She looked around, then lowered her voice. “Where is Aahz?”

  “We don’t know,” I said. “We’ve been looking for him. Emo and Wilmer want to challenge him to a duel.”

  “Pah!” Shomi said, waving away the notion. “A couple of cream puffs. Where I come from they would be found tied up in an alley, shaved and dressed in little girls’ clothes.”

  “Really?” Bunny said. “I should tell my uncle about that one.”

  “Have you ever seen the Mixitulian Snake Charm gag?” Shomi asked her, an avid look in her round black eyes. “That’s where you take their trousers, braid the legs, and pull them . . .”

  “Just a minute,” I said. “You can discuss ritual humiliation later on. We really need to find Aahz.”

  “I need to find him,” Shomi said. “He was supposed to make a speech fifteen minutes ago about his excellent performance this evening. I cannot see that he would miss such an opportunity to drive home that point with the voters.”

  “Never,” I agreed. Aahz loved to hold forth on his exploits to a captive audience. “How long has it been since you saw him?”

  “Not long after we returned here,” Shomi said. She glanced at a crystal-and-gold clock on a green marble table. “Half an hour or more.”

  “Was there anyone in whom Aahz was, uh, showing a personal interest?” I asked. He was a great ladies’ man, though I had seen him shot down as often as he succeeded.

  “No, no popsies,” Shomi said. “Of course he fancies that Rodna girl, but she has a stable of admirers back home.”

  “Well, if he’s not eating, boozing, or chasing a girl,” Bunny said, “I can’t imagine what’s holding him up.”

  “Unless Wilmer demanded he go through with the duel right away,” I said. I turned to Shomi. “We’ll help you look for him.”

  A word with Farnsward assured us that he hadn’t left the house through the front door. The kitchen staff was certain he hadn’t gone out the back way, either, and the small, enclosed yard was full of barrels of beer and crates of food.

  “He’s still in the house,” I concluded.

  “Then we will find him,” Shomi said.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  “Now you see me, now you don’t.”

  —C. CAT

  We examined every possible space where a duel could be fought. Guests had wandered into most of the public rooms and a few of the private ones upstairs. No one had seen Aahz or the two other candidates. I began to worry.

  After surprising a few amorous couples who had taken advantage of vacant bedrooms and parlors, Shomi led us to Aahz’s bedroom at the top of the house.

  I stopped her from opening the door.

  “Aahz hates surprises,” I said. I rapped on the door. “Aahz? Are you in there?” I waited for a moment, then knocked again.

  “He is not answering,” Shomi said. She reached for the latch.

  “Wait!” I said. “Aahz likes to protect himself. There are probably a dozen traps in there.”

  Shomi put a hand forward, palm out. “Nothing,” she said, after a moment. She evaded my restraining arm and let herself in. Bunny and I followed.

  Unsurprisingly, Aahz’s bedroom was the nicest room apart from the reception chamber downstairs, and bigger than my parents’ entire house in Klah. Warm, gold damask curtains hung on several long windows facing the street. The four-poster bed had matching quilts and hangings. I recognized the style of the plenitude of rugs on the floor as being from the Bazaar at Deva. All of them were silk dyed brilliant colors. Everything in the room was a display of taste and money. His room back in the Bazaar was far more spartan than this. He really had indulged himself. It looked as if he really was intending to live there for a long time.

  I pointed at a black sphere next to the bed.

  “Massha gave Aahz that.” My former apprentice and current Court Magician in Possiltum was a mistress of gadget magik and sympathized with Aahz’s lack of powers. The sphere was meant to go off when an intruder entered the room, tying him up in sticky webs while setting off a deafening alarm.

  “Stand back!” Shomi said. She surrounded it in a thick globe of magik. The device went off with a POOF! The translucent globe filled with a mass of strands and the siren went off. I winced. Bunny clapped her hands to her ears. Shomi snapped her fingers. The globe, and the noise, vanished.

  “It wasn’t armed,” I said.

  I checked the wardrobe, a beautiful piece of furniture that looked as if it had been carved out of a single tree with honey-colored wood. A mirror hung on the inside of one door. The shelves were full of Aahz’s clothes. It looked like he did stay there, at least once in a while.

  As if I needed more evidence, I found a chest of his favorite books, a back scratcher, a huge silver goblet I had given him for his last birthday, and a padlocked and chained box of snacks that started shaking and rocking when I got near it.

  In the bathroom, a vast chamber of warm-hued tiles with a sunken alabaster bath large enough to hold a party in, I found a jar of an incredibly abrasive body wash called Perval Essence. Over the door was a spray jar that should have dumped sleeping potion on me.

  “There are plenty of alarms and traps here,” Bunny said, as we gathered in the bedroom to compare notes, “but everything is deactivated. And the left-hand window is open.”

  “Really?” Shomi said, disgustedly. “Really? They removed him through the window? How cliché.”

  “Removed him?” I asked. “Why do you say that?”

  Shomi snorted. “Because I know a lot about your friend. Nothing short of abduction would prevent him from speaking.”

  “That’s so true,” said Bunny.

  “But are we sure he didn’t leave of his own free will?” I asked. “For all we know, he’s back at the office in Deva.”

  “Gleep!” said my dragon. He hel
d up a cylindrical device. Aahz’s D-hopper. Aahz never went anywhere without it.

  “You can’t tell what happened?” Shomi asked, scornfully. “Some magician you are.”

  “I’m doing my best to learn,” I said, defensively.

  “Too late for that, wouldn’t you say, when your friend has been abducted?”

  Bunny descended on her and grabbed her by the wrist.

  “Listen, Dustmop,” Bunny said. “Cut out the insults right this minute. Skeeve is a good magician, and a more decent being than you will ever meet again in your life. You may be a professional irritant, but right now it’s getting in the way of the facts.”

  “Okay, okay, missy!” Shomi said, freeing her wrist and clutching it. “Nice to see there’s a backbone holding up all that pulchritude. My assessment is that Aahz was removed from here against his will. That is evidenced by the fact that nothing is broken except the window frame. It was executed by those who had magik powerful enough to defeat his security systems. That we could walk in here without being netted or locked up or having a giant weight dropped on us tells me that they did not bother to rearm the systems. That smacks not of carelessness but arrogance.”

  The word executed made chills go down my spine, but I did my best to analyze the situation.

  “That makes sense,” I said. “But was it the Syndication, or the other two candidates?”

  We searched the house one more time. I noticed a couple of catering assistants coming up a set of stone steps.

  “What’s down there?” I asked.

  “Just the cellar,” said the taller of the two, who had a case of wine in his arms.

  “Is anyone down there?”

  “Yeah, a bunch of people,” he said. “They’re shouting at each other. I think they like the echo.”

  I didn’t wait to hear any more. “Come on,” I said.

  The servers had been carrying their own lanterns. It was dark at the bottom of the stairs. I made a fire in the palm of my hand and led the way downward.