Robert Asprin's Myth-Quoted

by Jody Lynn Nye

  “Won’t this make everyone on the island angry with the editors?” Bunny asked.

  “Oh, no,” Ecstra said, with an airy wave. “There’s nothing people like more than a sensational story. This has it all! Intrigue! Deals made in smoke-filled rooms! An underdog pulling ahead of the favorites in spite of the odds against him! In the end, the people are the winners, because they get the very best candidate for the job! Your friend Aahz had lots of plans for the future. I was very impressed with him. He deserves the endorsement of the Morning Gossip!”

  “Do you ever get dizzy spinning that much?” Bunny asked.

  “All part of the job,” Ecstra said. “I only stated the facts and quoted the people involved in the story. I did not editorialize at all.”

  We had to admit she was right. Her narration was straightforward. It was the quotes and pictures that gave the impression that Aahz was the only honest candidate in the field. In the middle of page one was a picture of Aahz shaking hands with Tolomi. Underneath was a quote from the Plague Party candidate, promising a clean, fair election with plenty of action and excitement, at bargain prices. “I won’t extort every copper coin out of you, like my opponents have been doing for five years,” Aahz was quoted as saying.

  “That’s not true,” Bunny said.

  “But it’s what he said,” Ecstra insisted.

  “I’ll talk to him about that,” I said. Haranguing one’s rivals was one thing; outright lies were another.

  On page eight, I came across the image of the waving dummies in Aahz’s front yard. I groaned.

  “Why did you have to print that?” I asked.

  “Sorry,” Ecstra said. “Tolomi insisted that we use it. It happened, after all. He had a very clear description of it from one of the other reporters who was present, and the typesetter picked up on it right away. I am on my way to interview the other candidates and get their feedback on this issue.”

  Needless to say, Emo and Wilmer did not have such a positive reaction to the article. I went to the town square to deliver our daily briefing to Sid the She. Both the Friendship Party candidate and his Wisdom Party counterpart were there, pacing up and back until they saw me. Sid looked relieved. She hurried up the stairs into the gazebo as the candidates made for me.

  “I have an announcement to make, and your lady there won’t listen to me!” Wilmer said, storming over with a handful of newspapers. The whites of his eyes were red, from equal parts fury and hangover.

  “Sid has orders to receive updates from me or Bunny only,” I said. “That’s to prevent anyone from giving her inaccurate information. It’s worked so far.”

  “Well, this is accurate!” Wilmer thundered. He shook the newspapers at me until the figures in the images had to hold on to their frames to keep from falling off the page. “Did you read this outrageous nonsense?”

  “I did,” I said. “But you have to admit it’s good to get the newspapers back in step with local events.”

  “Local balderdash!” Wilmer said. “He’s soiling our public image! Outright fabrications! I was prepared to let things go after . . . after I went home last night, but that little reporter girl was on my doorstep while I was taking an asp—before I was ready to speak to her, and she thrust this in my face!”

  It was page eight. In fact, the picture was worse the more I looked at it.

  “I’m sorry about that,” I said. “I didn’t think they should have printed it, but I was told it was an editorial decision.”

  “Never mind whether they should have printed it!” Wilmer said, his voice ringing off the surrounding buildings. “Your friend shouldn’t have done it!”

  “And now it looks as if he has bribed his way into the heart of every newspaper in town,” Emo said. “We were better off when they were ignoring us! This humiliation is going to be immortalized in leatherbound special editions!”

  I winced, remembering the sweetheart deal Aahz had struck the night before. “Look, I spoke with all of the editors last night. They promised that they would cover all three of you equally. You’ll have your chance to get your views into the papers. And we have several more events before Voting Day. The public will have plenty of opportunity to make an intelligent choice between the three of you.”

  Wilmer lowered his brows. “No, he won’t! Soon there will be only two candidates again!”

  “What?” I asked. “Are you leaving the race?”

  “No,” Wilmer said. He drew himself up and struck a statesmanlike pose. “I cannot take the abusive behavior of your friend any longer. I had a happy moment when I thought he was gone for good! But now he is back, and more trouble than he was before! I am going to challenge him to a duel! At least one of us won’t have to put up with the other afterward.”

  “You can’t do that!” I said in horror, remembering what Carnelia had said about his skills. Wilmer gave me a hard look.

  “Can’t I, son? Come with me and see!”

  He turned on his heel and marched out of the square. Emo hurried to catch up with him.

  Sid appeared beside me before I knew it. I caught a glimpse of her skeletal face out of the corner of my eye, and jumped.

  “Sorry,” she said. “What about it? Should I mention the duel? The hour is close when I make my announcements.”

  “No,” I said. “I’m going to take care of this. Here.” I felt in my belt pouch for the briefing that Bunny and I had prepared. “No changes, all right? I am going to stop it if I can.”

  “Good luck!” Sid called to me as I rushed after Emo and Wilmer.

  “Wilmer, please,” I said, all but running alongside them as they hiked up the hill. A herd of reporters had gotten word of something in the wind and pursued us, blocking traffic as we went around the hairpin bend toward Aahz’s townhouse. “Violence isn’t going to help.”

  Wilmer stopped and put a fatherly hand on my shoulder.

  “Mr. Skeeve,” he said. “There are times when you are going to have to decide if your honor is more or less precious than your life.”

  “I understand, sir, but it’s not worth it! I mean, Aahz was only trying to make a fool of you—both of you.”

  “That part I understand very well.”

  He wouldn’t listen to any more of my explanations. When we reached the door of the townhouse, he banged on it and pulled the bell rope. I heard clanging inside.

  The door opened. Farnsward peered out at us.

  “Yes, gentlemen?” he inquired.

  “I want to see Aahz!” Wilmer demanded.

  The butler looked sympathetic. “I am sorry, sir, but he wishes me to tell you, and I quote, that he ‘ain’t here.’”

  “Well, he might be able to get away with that kind of bad grammar in Deva,” Wilmer said, “but this is Tipicanoo! Step aside!”

  “Of course, sir.” Farnsward made way for us with a gracious bow.

  Aahz didn’t make us look for him. He was lounging in the library just off the main reception hall, with a Tipp beautician sitting on a stool by his side, filing his toenails.

  He grinned as Wilmer strode in. “Hey, guys, how’s it going? You see the papers? Biggest media event that this backwater burb has ever seen!”

  “You had better believe I have seen them,” Wilmer said. He stalked over to Aahz, brandished the sheaf of papers, and slapped him across the face with them, then back. “I demand satisfaction from you, sir.”

  Aahz waved the pedicurist aside and sprang to his feet. “I accept the challenge, pal.”

  “No, Aahz!” I pleaded.

  He looked at me, his eyebrows raised. “You don’t expect me to refuse, do you? I’m no coward. You want to finish this right here, Weavil-Scuttil?”

  “No,” Wilmer said, smacking the newspapers into his own palm. “We will do this is the correct and time-honored tradition.”

  “And if he doesn’t finish you, then I will,” Emo said. “Uh . . .” He took the papers from Wilmer and smacked Aahz on one cheek. He tried to hit the other side, but Aahz snatched the
roll out of his hands.

  “Don’t push it, buddy,” Aahz snarled, crumpling them into a ball and tossing them over his shoulder. “I accept yours, too. My second will call upon you this afternoon.”

  “Good,” Wilmer said. “We will see you on the field of honor. Good day, sir!”

  He spun on his heel and walked away. Emo hopped to get ahead of him and held the door for him. Wilmer strode through it, magnificent in his fury. Emo shot a reproachful look over his shoulder at Aahz, then slammed the door behind them.

  Aahz slapped his hands together and rubbed them gleefully.

  “I didn’t think those guys had it in them!” Aahz chortled.

  “Why aren’t you upset?” I asked. “They want to kill you?”

  “Will you act as my second, Skeeve?” Aahz asked. “You’re the best friend I have.”

  “Sure I will,” I said. “Look, Aahz, they’re serious! Why are you so eager to get into a fight with these fellows?”

  “I’m not,” Aahz assured me.

  “But Wilmer is an expert with flaming blades! He could cut you to pieces!”

  “He won’t get a chance.”

  He wasn’t listening to me. “Carnelia said he used to be a champion. He’s not soft, and he’s not a coward. He wouldn’t have issued the challenge if he didn’t think he had at least a chance of winning. In any case, he could hurt you.”

  “But as the challenged party, the choice of weapons is mine,” Aahz said, showing all his teeth. “Once you show them what they’ll be fighting with, there won’t be a duel. I promise you that.”

  He pulled out his D-hopper, pushed the button, and vanished.

  BAMF!

  “Wait a minute, Aahz!” I shouted.

  “Sir?”

  I jumped, for the second time that day. It was the butler. He seemed to be able to transport himself from place to place, only without a sound.

  “What is it, Farnsward?”

  “If you would like to wait, Mr. Aahz wanted you to enjoy some refreshments. Also, if you would care to avail yourself of the manicurist, she comes highly recommended.”

  The girl gave me a little wave.

  “Uh, no, thanks,” I said. “But I could use a drink.”

  Farnsward disappeared as if by magik and returned with a glass and a small carafe on a tray. He poured the wine for me. I drank half of it in one gulp.

  “Please sit down, sir. Mr. Aahz assures you he will not be long.” The small smile touched the corners of his mouth. “He says it will be worth your while.”

  “Farnsward?”

  “Yes, sir?”

  “Are butlers supposed to have a sense of humor?”

  The Tipp drew himself up and gave me an austere stare. “Three years’ intensive training, sir! I have certification from the Amusement Training Facility of Greater Tipicanoo. There are branches in every well-educated dimension, of course, sir.”

  Personally, I’d never had any dealings with the ATF, nor did I want to. “Thanks, Farnsward.”

  “At your service, sir.”

  As the butler promised, Aahz was gone only a short time. He was carrying three handsome red lacquered boxes.

  “Take these to my wannabe adversaries,” Aahz said. “I will bet you a thousand gold pieces that there will be no more talk about duels or honor or anything else.”

  I was shocked. Aahz never made a wager that might conceivably cost him money, let alone a fortune like that.

  “What are they?” I asked.

  He raised the lid on one of the chests. I looked inside.

  “No bet,” I said.

  “No problem,” Aahz said. “I didn’t think you’d take it.”

  I accepted the boxes, preparing to leave, then hesitated. Aahz looked at me curiously.

  “Something on your mind, kid?”

  “Yes. Something’s been bothering me for several days,” I said.

  “Yeah, Skeeve?”

  I took a deep breath. Aahz hated to be told what to do, but I was the authority here. I didn’t have a choice but to try.

  “The others have a point, you know. You’re waging an unfair campaign by bribing officials and buying votes with fancy gifts. It’s completely uneven. They signed an agreement to run the campaign under certain strictures or face penalties. They can’t spend more than a copper piece on gifts per person. Having you come in like a wild card and do whatever you want is leaving them in the dust. That’s not fair. I’d appreciate it if you’d lay off. They can’t compete with you. It’s not life and death. You don’t have to stomp them into the ground to win.”

  Aahz let a long, slow smile spread across his face. “Sure thing, Skeeve. No more gifts or bribes.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “Just like that?”

  “All you had to do was ask, partner.” Aahz grinned. “I know I can win without the window dressing. As long as you don’t tell me I can’t call them names anymore. Let me know what they say about the boxes.”

  I grinned back. “That will be my pleasure.”

  * * *

  I had arranged to meet Wilmer and Emo in our office just before sunset. Wilmer wanted a public location, but I managed to convince him that it would be better to work out the details in private.

  “Sir,” I said, holding out the chest. “My friend’s weapon of choice.”

  I whipped open the box. The smell, which could not be readily contained there or anywhere in the Bazaar where they were sold, filled the room. The Tipps looked inside at the small brown heap nestled in the green velvet interior.

  “Is that Pervert serious?” Wilmer asked. I had arranged to meet him and Emo at our office. “What is it?”

  “That’s Per-vect, Mr. Weavil-Scuttil,” I said, innocently. Bunny was behind me, hardly daring to breathe. If I met her eyes, she would have collapsed in hysterical giggles. “It’s a Genuine Fake Doggie Doodle with the Realistic Smell That Really Sticks to Your Hands. It’s a best-selling item in the Bazaar.”

  Emo and Wilmer exchanged horrified looks.

  “I thought he would choose swords! Or knives! Or cannons! Or magik!” Wilmer exclaimed.

  “He’s good with all of those weapons,” I said, “but this is really his style. What time tomorrow morning do you want to meet him? I have to let the newspapers know so they can send a reporter to cover the duel.”

  At the word newspapers, both their eyes grew wide.

  “I . . . I . . . I . . . withdraw the challenge!” Wilmer sputtered.

  “Me, too!” stammered Emo.

  I was sympathetic. “If you really want to take him on, gentlemen, it would be safer, not to mention more effective, to beat Aahz in the debate. I think you could really shine there. It’s two days to the election, you know, and anything goes.”

  “Anything?” Emo asked, his question ending on a high note.

  “Well, anything within reason,” I said, concerned by the sly look the two of them exchanged. They left our office, whispering together.

  “I wondered if Aahz wouldn’t have been better off with swords at dawn,” Bunny said.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

  “You can always tell a politician is lying if his mouth is moving.”

  —CONVENTIONAL WISDOM

  Bunny and I sat at a little table set on the right side of the stage, watching the preparations being made for the debate. I glanced at the sky. It was only a few minutes before noon. The day was fine and dry. I had arranged with the local weather wizards to hold off the storm that had been brewing along the southwest coast of Bokromi. Once we were finished, I didn’t care what happened, but for an hour and a half, I wanted as few variables as possible. Gleep lay behind us, snoozing with his head tucked into his belly. I wanted him well rested in case he was needed.

  Since there were three candidates, we couldn’t sit between them, so we had the lecterns arranged in a line on stage left at a slight angle so we could see the candidates’ faces. Each desk was painted the color of the appropriate party: purple, gold, or green. I had to admit
it was festive. The candidates took their places: Wilmer on the left, Aahz in the middle, and Emo on the right. Their campaign managers, magicians, and assistants bustled around them, making them look as gubernatorial as possible. Unfortunately, it looked as though the lecterns had been made all the same height, with adult male Tipps in mind.

  “This is great,” Aahz bellowed, waving an arm from behind his lectern, “if they only want to see the top of my head!”

  “Are you kidding me?” Shomitamoni demanded, grabbing one of the carpenters by the arm. “This is ridiculous! Get Aahz a box to stand on, or something!”

  “It just can’t be helped if he is shorter than Wilmer,” Carnelia said, looking as though she would gladly have supplied a box if she could have stuffed Shomi into it.

  “They must start off on an equal footing!” Shomi said. “It is through their ideas they will set themselves apart!”

  “No artificial elevation is going to help your candidate with that!” Orlow said.

  “As if yours isn’t spouting stale apothogems from half a decade ago!” Shomi retorted sourly.

  No issue seemed too small to fight over. Tension filled the air. This was the final event before the polls opened in the morning for Voting Day, and everyone knew this was their last chance to make a good impression before the public went to the polls.

  The Friendship Party and the Wisdom Party had canceled all joint appearances since the day Aahz accepted Wilmer’s challenge. That pretty much left the field to Aahz, who had taken full advantage of it. He seemed to be everywhere at once in Bokromi. He handed out prizes at a children’s track-and-field meet, opened a store, and held a fund-raiser at which Shomitamoni shook down everyone who got within a block of the event.

  He made more than his share of headlines, too. Aahz never missed a chance to slam the opposition in print. Everywhere he went, he would stop suddenly and offer a stump speech on the issues, calling the sanity and intelligence of his opponents into question where they disagreed with him. Ecstra and the other reporters were always at his heels, shouting questions. Aahz never heard a question he didn’t enjoy answering. I was annoyed that he was still telling outright lies about Emo and Wilmer. Bunny couldn’t convince me that it was typical of politics.