Shadow of Love: Love Changes Everything! Book 5 (The Shadow Series)

by Barbara Goss

  “I need you to draw a picture for me, Julia.”

  “I’d love to. What of?” Julia said.

  “The rapist,” Dora said.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Never more so,” Dora said. “My friend, Elsa Flannigan, was one of the victims. She gave me a description, and I thought maybe we could put up signs with his face on it. We could hang them all over town.”

  “Wait here while I grab my sketch pad.”

  When she returned, she opened the pad to a blank page. “I’m ready.”

  “She didn’t say what shaped face he had, so just give him a normal oval. He had thinning black hair, and a scar that ran from his right eyebrow to his chin.”

  Julia dropped her pencil. “Are you serious?”

  “Why would I kid about that?” Dora asked.

  “Because I know this man.”

  “You do?” Anna and Dora said in unison.

  “Who is he?” Dora asked.

  “I don’t know his name,” Julia said. “But I know who he is. He’s one of the men who shot Billy.”

  Anna gasped.

  “I had to face him to pay him off,” Julia said. “The creep tried to fondle me, but I jumped out of his way, and ran out of the saloon. I hopped on my horse and ran as fast as I could back to Victoria in the dark, so fast that I somehow ended up on the ground, unconscious, and had amnesia for months afterward.”

  “Oh, Julia, how horrible. Billy told me the whole story,” Anna said.

  Julia picked up the pencil. “I’ll draw a picture so accurate that no saloon woman will ever go near him.” She started drawing until she had the face perfect.

  “Oh-h,” Anna said. “He’s scary looking.”

  “Good gracious! A face even his mother’d have to frown upon,” Dora said.

  Chapter 12

  Later that afternoon, when Billy came home, he came up behind Anna as she was bent over a book, and touched the hair at the nape of her neck. She wore her hair up in a high bun and when he touched her neck she tingled all over, and goose bumps formed on her arms.

  She swung around. “Billy! You’re home.”

  “And happy to be here,” he said, followed by a sigh.

  “Is something wrong?” she asked.

  “No. I had a fairly good day, but I’m always happy to come home. I love this house. It’s like a place of refuge where no worries or problems dare invade.” He smiled and squeezed her shoulder.

  “To me it’s a palace,” Anna said.

  He smiled. “I feel the same way, Anna, because I, too, grew up poor. Miles, Julia and I lived in a shack with canvas over a broken window, and holes in the roof. The lady who worked at the bakery would drop off all of the leftovers for us at the end of the day.”

  “I need to talk to you, Billy,” Anna said.

  “Come, in the sitting room. I’m always available to you, Anna. Have you a problem?”

  “No, I don’t, but you might.” She sat down on the sofa with him. “Dora asked Julia to draw a picture of the rapist from a victim’s description. Julia knows the man!” she said.

  “She does? Well who is he?” Billy asked.

  “One of the men who shot you,” she said, while wringing her hands.

  “I never realized who I was playing with or how dangerous they were. I don’t think I’m in any danger, Anna, but thank you for your concern. They got what they wanted from me, I just hope the law catches him.”

  Anna let out a breath of relief.

  “Were you worried for me?” he asked.

  She nodded.

  He stood, gently pulled her up by her shoulders, put both arms around her, and hugged her. She hadn’t meant to, but it felt so good to be held, that she snuggled up closer, and that caused him to respond by putting his arm around her waist and pulling her even closer. She was in heaven. She rested her head on his chest and listened to this heart beating. Was it beating faster than usual? She knew hers was.

  “Anna,” he whispered, stroking her back.

  She wasn’t sure if she should answer, or if he was going to continue with what she thought he was about to say. He just held her; she wanted him to hold her like this forever. She could smell his manliness mixed with the soap he'd washed with. Her arms ended up around his waist and she wished, more than anything, that he’d kiss her. She’d never experienced a kiss before.

  She doubted he would kiss her. This was as close as she’d ever come to intimacy with him. Being so close made her think that the ‘act’ might not be such a bad thing, if it were with someone she loved. Then, it would be an act of giving, and not one of taking.

  Billy had wanted to hold her for the longest time, but he was afraid. Before, he thought that he might be falling in love with her, but now, holding her like this, he knew, for sure, that he loved her. How far would he be able to go with her without scaring her?

  Should he kiss her? No, it might frighten her, and then she’d pull out of the comfort of his embrace. She’d agreed to marry him because she had no wish for intimate relations, yet now that his body had begun to respond to even her simplest touch, he was tempted to pray for help to resist her. Then again, he considered that God might not want him to resist her. She was his wife, and God wanted intimacy between spouses.

  How long would she allow him to hold her like that? She hadn’t tried to move away when he pulled her closer, still, and she'd snuggled her head beneath his neck, and seemed quite content, and tightened her grip around his waist.

  He rubbed his hand up and down her back in a soothing manner. He wanted to kiss her in the worst way, and he knew it was now or never, as he might never get this chance again.

  She was still clinging to him like glue when he gently pushed her away, just far enough so he could see her face. She looked up at him with those big brown eyes, and they moved him to dive in for a kiss, quickly, before she could stop him.

  She didn’t resist him. The only woman he’d ever kissed was Lida in Hays, but this was different. He wasn’t a young lad, he was a grown man, and this was his wife. There were no barriers that couldn’t be crossed.

  Her lips felt like heaven. He could tell she was inexperienced, and this was most likely her first kiss, so he was gentle. She didn’t return his kiss, but she allowed it.

  He moved to a better position without taking his lips from hers, and then he pressed her closer than ever before. They were married, after all. She still didn’t resist him, although she had to feel how much he wanted her. He slowly put more passion into the kiss, and his heart nearly jumped from his chest when she actually started to return it.

  Now what? He had to end the kiss. They couldn’t stay like this forever. How do you break a kiss that you don’t ever want to end?

  Instead of ending it, it became more passionate than ever. She moved her arm from around his waist to around his neck, and she caressed the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure then how it had happened, but they somehow fell sideways onto the sofa and ended up side by side, their lips and hips still pressed into the most passionate kiss and embrace. He thought for sure he must have died and gone to heaven.

  It had been a good four years since he'd kissed anyone, and he had so much passion built up in him that, given his newly found feelings for Anna, he almost lost control.

  Finally, the kiss broke, but he wasn’t sure who'd initiated the break. For moments they just stared at each other.

  Finally, he whispered, “Should I apologize for wanting to taste a bit of heaven?”

  “No,” she whispered back. “Not if you promise to do it every day.”

  “You liked it, then?” he asked.

  “I loved it,” she whispered. “It was my first kiss.”

  “It won’t be the last, I promise,” he whispered hoarsely. “But you entered this marriage because you didn’t want intimacy.” He kissed her neck. “Are you still opposed to it?” He prayed her answer was what he hoped it would be. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his bed, right then and there
, and consummate their marriage, making it real.

  “I…I…” she began. “I’m a bit fearful. I think I need a bit more time. I’m sorry, Billy.”

  He kissed her nose. “I understand. I’m a patient man. I do want you to know one thing, though—I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  He watched her close her eyes and take a deep breath. “I think I have, too—fallen in love with you, I mean.”

  “I’ll give you all the time you need, but I’d like to make his a real marriage. You are the best thing that ever happened to me,” he said.

  “What about your concentration, and how romance would keep you from serving God?” she asked.

  “I’ll struggle through it, somehow, with God’s help. You see, I felt that way because I wasn’t in love. It’s easy to say you want no part of romance when you aren’t in love, but love changes everything.”

  Anna closed her eyes and said, “Could love change me, too?”

  “We can pray that it does, because I want you so very much. I want to wake up to you by my side each morning. I want to make love to you, and start a family. I want you as my life partner,” he said.

  “I’ll pray for help with my problem,” she said. “While you were kissing me, I felt things I’ve never felt before, and I know, now, what is supposed to happen next, but I’m still afraid.”

  “Can I hold you a bit longer on the sofa like this?” he asked. “I’m sorry, but I'm just not ready to give you up yet,” he said.

  “Yes, I’d like that,” she whispered.

  ““Wake up you two!” Dora called. “Breakfast is about ready.”

  Billy sprung up first, and then, slowly, Anna sat up. They both looked down at their clothing, still intact from yesterday, and then they looked up at each other at the same time, and laughed.

  “We fell asleep,” Billy said. He looked at Dora. “We were sitting here, chatting, and the next thing we knew—”

  “Save that story for someone who’ll believe it,” Dora said. “Breakfast is nearly ready.” She winked at Anna before heading back to the kitchen.

  Billy ran up to his room, and Anna ran up to hers. She couldn’t believe they’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms. Never before had she felt so loved, so secure, and so happy. He loved her. Reverend William Croft was in love with her!

  They ate in silence, but their eye contact spoke volumes. When they’d finished, Billy pushed back his chair. “I don’t have any appointments today, Anna. Would you like to spend the whole day with me?” He watched her eyes light up. “We’ll go to the park by the river. I promised to take you every Sunday, but last week McKenzie threw us into an upheaval, and we missed it.”

  “Sounds heavenly!” Dora said. “Shall I bring my sweater?”

  Anna and Billy both swung around to look at her.

  Dora laughed. “I’m joking.”

  “Billy, you need to prepare an especially good sermon this week, because I don’t want to marry a man who isn’t a Christian…a complete Christian. I’m hoping Michael says that prayer and goes down to talk to you.”

  “Lucky for you, Dora, I’ve already written Sunday’s sermon, because I aim to court my wife properly, for a few days. It’s a good sermon for Michael.”

  “Aw, I’m happy for you both.” She hugged Anna and Billy. “Of course, now that I’ll be marrying Michael, you’ll have to find another housekeeper, but I have some friends that would love to quit the saloon for a job like this.”

  “Actually, I love housework,” Anna said. “I’d rather like caring for my home and husband.”

  “I’ll pack you two a nice lunch,” Dora said.

  Anna had changed from her morning dress to a dress perfect for a picnic, but also one that she thought brought out her best attributes. With dark brown hair, and brown eyes, she had the kind of complexion that tanned nicely, so he wore the dress that Julia had chosen for her coloring. It was light orange, with white lace around the neckline and sleeves. She donned her straw hat, and slipped on some comfortable shoes.

  When they arrived at the same spot as their first picnic, she spread out the tablecloth, and they sat beside each other, leaning their backs against the huge trunk of the tree. There was a slight breeze coming from the river, and it ruffled the leaves on the tree and each other’s hair a bit, but otherwise, it felt glorious.

  “This will always be our spot,” Billy said. “It's peaceful here. Not only that, but everything here is beautiful,” he said, looking at her. “Even the weather is cooperating. There isn't a cloud in the sky.” He took her hand.

  “Anna, remember what you made me promise last night? That I’d kiss you every day? This is a new day, after all.”

  She smiled at him, and put her arms around his neck. “So it is.”

  He moved in for her lips, and it was even more stirring than last night’s kiss. The kiss started out gentle and with little pressure, then his lips slowly became desperate, while still remaining somewhat gentle. He seemed to delve deeper into her mouth, and she wasn’t sure what she should do in return. Anna just let her body’s instincts lead her as she returned his enthusiasm. She knew he was anticipating more from her. Could she do it? Could she give him what he so desperately wanted?

  Her instincts led her to caress his chest. She felt the urge to slide her hand between the two buttons of this shirt in the hope of touching his bare chest. The top button flew open and she was able to feel his torso, which was hard and strong, with a small tuft of soft hair. Her touch seemed to drive his kiss into a frenzy, and she heard him moan. She became a bit fearful then, and quickly removed her hand, but he grabbed it and put it back on his chest. The kiss broke, and he nibbled lightly on her lips.

  “I want you so badly, Anna. Please tell me you’re ready,” he moaned. “We’re so good together.”

  Anna swallowed hard. She wanted him just as much, for her body was betraying her. She had strange inklings and urges that wouldn’t stop. Yet the fear she’d held onto for so many years held her back. It felt like when you were extremely hungry but the food was too hot to eat—you wanted it, but were afraid of being burned.

  “My body’s ready, but my brain isn’t, Billy.” Her voice shook when she spoke, and she felt tears of frustration roll down her face. “Help me, Billy.”

  He knew he had to stop, despite his discomfort, and his desire. She wasn’t ready, mentally. As frustrating as it was, he kissed her forehead and drew away from her. Then it dawned on him. He’d just solved his problem of how to help McKenzie! Anna helped him see something he was blind to before.

  They sat and watched a few barges hauling logs, and cooled off.

  “I’m sorry,” Anna said, with tear-filled eyes.

  “You have nothing for which to be sorry,” he said. He put his arm around her and drew her close enough for her to lay her head on his shoulder. “We have the rest of our lives, Anna. There is no hurry. I love you enough to respect your fear.”

  “Does that mean I don’t love you enough to overcome my fear?” she asked. “I do love you, and I want nothing more than to belong to you totally. I want to be a real wife, truly I do.”

  “And you shall. I’m a counselor. Remember? I’ll see you through this. And no, it doesn’t mean you don’t love me enough. I know that you love me—your responses to my kiss told me everything I needed to know.”

  “Thank you, Billy,” she said.

  Billy knew, without a doubt, that he could manipulate Anna in such a way that he could easily coerce her into the act. He knew she was ready, that it was just a mental hang up she had. He could go further with his kissing and touching, and he knew she’d respond in kind. She was just as enthusiastic in that way as he was. He knew she’d be a delightful bed partner someday, but he loved her too much to risk it. He had to help her mentally accept him before he could even think of invading her body.

  Anna felt every bit as frustrated as Billy. How could she continue to cuddle up with him, get him breathing heavily, and then pull away? Yet she yearned to
be close to him.

  She looked up at him and said, “I know how much you want me, and I know how frustrating it is for you, yet I want to be as close as I can get to you. Is that teasing? Is it cruel? Should I stay away from close contact with you until I’m ready? I don’t know what to do.”

  “Anna!” he touched her cheeks gently. “I can handle it. And I know exactly what you want.”

  “You do?” she said.

  “Yep. Lay down and face the river.”

  When she did as he’d told her, he curled up behind her, and put his arm around her waist. “How’s this?”

  “Heavenly,” she said. “I love being in your arms. For the first time in my life I feel loved and secure—not to mention happy.”

  Billy rested his head on hers, and they both lay contently, watching the water and the barges. “It’s possible to be close without getting carried away—it’s the kissing that makes us crazy,” he said.

  “This must be what heaven will be like,” Anna said.

  “Hmm, beautiful, peaceful and secure.” He squeezed her tighter. “I love you, Anna Croft.”

  Anna bent her arm back so she could rub his cheek. “I love you more than any other person in the world, past and present.”

  Chapter 13

  When Gavin McKenzie walked into his office, Reverend William Croft was ready for him.

  After pleasantries were said, Billy leaned back in his chair, made a steeple out of his fingers, and silently prayed for God’s guidance. It was something he did before each counseling session, but this time it was more of a plea.

  “Let me ask you something, Gavin. When you think of intimacy with a woman, what is foremost in your mind?”

  Gavin considered the question for a moment and then said, “Physical gratification.”

  Perfect, Billy thought, that's exactly the right answer.

  “What about your partner?”

  Gavin shrugged.

  “When you were married was your wife ever gratified?”