All or Nothing

by Catherine Mann

  She knew one fact for certain. Living without Conrad was out of the question.

  * * *

  The moon rose over the clinic, lights blazing in a day that had run far too long. Bile burned his throat as he watched the last of the Agberos loaded into a police car. Ade, a teen from the soccer game, stared over the door at him with defiant eyes that Conrad recognized well. He’d seen the same look staring back at him in the mirror as teenager.

  Jayne and the house were safe, but four teens he’d played with just this afternoon had tried to steal drugs from the clinic. While one of them tried to escape, he’d strayed too close to the house. Boothe had said the attempts were commonplace. Agberos weren’t rehabilitated in a day—and many of the Area Boys could never be trusted.

  Now wasn’t that a kick in the ass?

  Intellectually he understood what Boothe had told him a million times. In a country riddled with poverty and lawlessness, saving even a handful of these boys was a major victory.

  Still, defeat piled on his shoulders like sandbags.

  The ringleader of this raid really got to him. Conrad had played soccer with Ade and his younger brother Kofi earlier. He thought he’d connected with them both. And yeah, he’d identified with Ade, seen the seething frustration inside the teen, and wanted to help him build a stable life for himself. Would the little Kofi follow in his big brother’s footsteps?

  There wasn’t a damn thing more Conrad could do about it tonight. He jerked open the door to the Land Cruiser, hoping Jayne had turned in for the night, because he wasn’t in the mood for any soul searching.

  The drive home passed in a blur with none of his regular pleasure in the starkly majestic landscape that had drawn him to this country in the first place.

  Ahead, his house glowed with lights.

  The house where Jayne waited for him, obviously wide-awake if the bright windows were anything to judge by.

  Conrad steered the Land Cruiser along the dirt road leading up the plateau, his teeth on edge and his temper rotten as hell. He floored the Land Cruiser, the shock absorbers working overtime. He couldn’t put enough space between him and the mess at the clinic, now that the cops had everything locked down tight again.

  He parked the Land Cruiser in front of the house, but left the car in idle. He couldn’t just sit here thoughtlessly losing himself in his wife’s softness in order to avoid the obvious. He needed to take action, to do something to resolve the questions surrounding Zhutov. And he needed to tuck Jayne somewhere safe—most likely somewhere far the hell away from anything in his world since his judgment was crap these days.

  Bringing her here had been a selfish choice. He’d wanted to be alone with her. Like some kid showing off an A-plus art project, he’d wanted her to see his clinic, to prove to her there was something good inside him. There were plenty of other places she could stay that were safer. He would talk to Salvatore once Jayne was settled for the night.

  He turned off the car, leaped out and slammed the door. Already, he could see her inside on the sofa, lamps shining. He should have tinted these windows rather than depending on the security system.

  Just as he hit the bottom step, Jayne opened the front door. Her smile cut right through him with a fresh swipe of guilt.

  “Welcome back.” She leaned in the open door, a mug of tea cradled in her hands. “What a crazy evening. But at least you know your security system works as advertised.”

  “You figured out how to work the surveillance television?” If so, that should cut down on the questions for tonight, a good thing given his raw-as-hell gut.

  “I did, although I’m still a bit fuzzy on the details.” She followed him inside, the weight of her gaze heavy on his shoulders.

  “Some of the local Agberos tried to steal some drugs from the clinic. When the alarms went off at the clinic, one of the kids—Ade—ran away and tripped the security system here.”

  “Thank goodness they didn’t get away with it. And I’m glad everything was resolved without anyone getting hurt.”

  “A guard was injured during the break-in.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, pacing restlessly past a ladder against the wall covered with locally woven blankets. He needed to get to his computer, to plug into the network and start running leads.

  “Oh, no, Conrad. I’m so sorry.” Her hand fell to rest on his shoulder. “Will he be all right? Do they need my help at the clinic? I’m sorry now that I didn’t go with you.”

  Her touch made him restless, vulnerable.

  He walked to the window, looking out over the river. “You were here, safe. That’s the best thing you could do for me.”

  “What’s wrong?” She stopped beside him. “Why are you avoiding me?”

  Because if he lost himself in her arms right now, he would shatter, damn it. His hands clenched. “This isn’t the right time to talk.”

  She sighed, a tic tugging at the corner of her eye. “It’s never the right time for my questions. That’s a big part of what broke us up before.” She squeezed his forearm. “I need for you to communicate with me.”

  Her cool fingers on his skin were a temptation, no question. She’d always been his weakness from the day he’d met her.

  “I would rather wait for any discussion until we get the report in from Salvatore.”

  “What changes if we hear from him?” She frowned, staring into his eyes as if reaching down into his soul. “You think if that man Zhutov has blown your cover, then you don’t have to make tough choices. You won’t have to do the work figuring out how to let me into your life if you keep the job.”

  “Or maybe I’m not sure if I’ll be a man worthy of you without the job.” The admission hissed out between clenched teeth, something he’d known deep in his belly even if he hadn’t been willing to admit it until now.

  Her eyes went wide. “How in the world could you think that?”

  “I’m looking reality in the face, and it sucks. You saw it all on the surveillance camera. You saw those kids in the handcuffs.” The memory of it roared around inside him, echoing with flashes from his arrest, the weight of an ankle monitor, the sense of confinement that never went away no matter how freely he traveled the world. “They were stealing drugs to sell. And we could dig into why they needed the money, but bottom line is that they stole medication that’s hard as hell to replace out here and they injured a guard in the process.”

  She gripped his arm harder, with both hands. “It had to be painful seeing the boys you’d played with betray you that way.”

  The sympathy in her eyes flowed over him like acid on open wounds. “Damn it, Jayne, I was one of those kids. Why can’t you get that?”

  “I do get it. But you changed, and there’s a chance they’ll change, too. Is that such a horrible thing? To believe in second chances?”

  The roar inside him grew until it was all he could do to keep from shouting. She didn’t deserve his rage. She didn’t deserve any of this.

  “I’m not the good guy you make me out to be. Yes, I took the job with Interpol to make amends, but I do the work because it gives me a high. Just like when I was in high school, like when I broke the law. I’ve only figured out how to channel it into something that keeps me out of jail.” He looked her dead in the eyes and willed her to hear him. “I’m not the family guy you want, and I never will be.”

  “What if I say I’m willing to work with that? I think we can find a balance.”

  He would have given anything to hear those words three years ago, to have that second chance with her. But he knew better now. “And I don’t. We tried, and we failed.”

  “Are you saying this because you’re afraid I’ll get hurt from something related to your job?”

  Holding back a sigh, he dodged her question. He’d had plenty of practice after all. “If that was the case, I would just say it.”

  “Like hell. You would stage a fight to get me to walk. It’s cliché, just like when I woke up with nightmares, and we’re not cliché kinds of pe
ople. We lead our lives doing difficult jobs that rational people would shy away from. I love that about you, Conrad. I love you.”

  Damn it, why was she pushing this tonight? Did she want to end things?

  And ultimately, wouldn’t that be the best thing for her?

  “Jayne, don’t make this harder on both of us. We’ve been separated for three years. It’s time to finalize the divorce.”

  * * *

  Too stunned to cry, Jayne closed the bedroom door and sagged back on the thick wood panel. At least she’d made it out of that room with her head high and her eyes dry.

  How in the hell was she supposed to sleep in here tonight with the memories of a few hours ago still so fresh in her mind, the scent of their lovemaking still clinging to the sheets?

  Damn him for doing this to her again. And damn her for being such an idiot.

  She ran to her suitcase and dug through it, tossing things onto the floor until she found the little black shoulder bag she’d worn to the casino that first night. She dug inside and pulled out her wedding ring set, the five-carat yellow diamond and matching diamond-studded band.

  Her fist clenched around the pair until the stones cut into her palm. She grounded herself in the pain. It was all she could do not to run outside and throw the damn things into the river.

  She squeezed her eyes closed and thought back over their fight.

  Conrad meant every word he’d said. She’d seen the resolution in his eyes, heard it in his voice. And while she still believed he’d made the choice out of misconceptions about himself, she also accepted she couldn’t change his mind. She couldn’t force him to let go of his past.

  She’d waited for him for three years. She’d come here to try one last time to get through to him, only to have him tear her heart to shreds all over again. She didn’t regret trying. But she knew it would be a long time before she got over loving Conrad Hughes, if she ever did.

  Now there was nothing left for her but to leave with her head high.

  Putting the pieces of her life back together would be beyond difficult and, God, she needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to share a bucket of ice cream and put life into perspective. Her mother was gone. She didn’t have any sisters. Seeing Anthony again was out of the question, and her friends from work would never understand this.

  The answer came to her, a place to go where Conrad couldn’t argue about her safety, a person who could offer the advice, support and the sympathetic shoulder she needed. She placed her wedding rings on the bedside table, letting go of them and of Conrad for the final time. She wasn’t chasing after him anymore.

  She picked up her cell phone and called Hillary Donavan.

  * * *

  She was gone. He’d lost her for good this time.

  Watching the lazy hippo roll around in the mud, Conrad sat on the dock with a bottle of Chivas, hoping to get rip-roaring drunk before the sun set. The night had been long, sitting on the couch and thinking about her in the next room. He’d prepared himself for the torment of watching over her until Salvatore cleared him to leave.

  But she’d walked out first thing in the morning with her own plan in place, already cleared by Salvatore. A solid plan. As good as any he could come up with himself. Boothe would take her to the airport where Hillary would meet her.

  Jayne was a smart and competent woman.

  He tipped back his glass, not even tasting the fine whiskey, just welcoming the burn in his gut.

  The rumble of an approaching car launched him to his feet. Then he recognized Boothe’s vehicle and dropped back down to sit on the dock. He must be returning from taking Jayne to the airport.

  Just what he needed. His old “friend” gloating. He topped off his drink.

  Boothe’s footsteps thudded down the embankment, rustling the tall grass. “You’re still sitting around here feeling sorry for yourself. Damn, and I thought you were a smart guy.”

  Conrad glanced over his shoulder. “I don’t need this crap today. Want a drink?”

  “No, thanks.” Boothe sat beside him, a handful of pebbles in his fist.

  “Always the saint.”

  He pitched a pebble in the water, ripples circling outward. “People see what they want to see.”

  “Is there a reason you came by?”

  “I’ve been thinking about offering your wife a job. Since you live here and own the clinic, I thought I should run the idea past you first.”

  Boothe surprised him again, although hadn’t he had the same thought about moving Jayne to Africa and settling down? Would she actually take the position even though their paths would cross? “And you’re asking my permission?”

  “She’s a Hospice nurse. She’s already on unpaid leave from her other job because of what we do. Only seems fair to help her out.” He flicked a couple more pebbles into the water. “Or did you just plan to assuage your conscience by writing her a big fat check?”

  Damn, Boothe went for the jugular. “You’re offering her a job to get back at me, aren’t you?”

  “Contrary to what you think, I don’t dislike you…anymore.”

  “So you concede you hated my guts back then, even if you had the occasional weak moment and shared your cookies with a soulless bastard like me.”

  Boothe’s laugh echoed out over the river, startling a couple of parrots and a flock of herons. “Hell, yes, I resented you. You were an arrogant bastard back then and you haven’t learned much since.”

  “Remember that I write your paycheck.” Conrad knocked back another swallow. “I fund your clinic.”

  “That’s the only reason I’m here, because I’m grateful.” He flung the rest of the pebbles into the water and faced him. “That woman is the best thing that’s ever going to happen to you. So, because I owe you a debt, I’m going to give you a piece of advice.”

  “Thanks. Can I have another drink first?”

  Boothe ignored him and pressed on. “In the work world, you’re aggressive. You go after what you want. Why the hell haven’t you gone after your wife?”

  The question stunned him silent through two more rolls of his pet hippo out there.

  Disgusted with himself, Conrad set aside his glass. “She wants a divorce. She’s waited three years. I think that’s a good sign she’s serious.”

  “Maybe.” Boothe nodded slowly. “But is that what you want? You made her come to you again and again. And if you do get back together again, she’s stuck waiting for you, repeating the old pattern that wrecked her the first time.”

  “You’re more depressing than the alcohol.”

  Boothe clapped him on the back, Salvatore style. “It’s time for you to quit being a stupid ass. I’ll even spell it out for you. Go after your wife.”

  “That’s it?” Just show up? And he hadn’t realized until now how much he’d been hoping Boothe might actually have a concrete solution, a magic fix that would bring Jayne home for good this time. Even though he’d told her to leave, the quiet afterward had been a damn hefty reminder of how empty his life was without her. He’d made a monumental mistake this time and Boothe thought that could fixed with a hey, honey, I’m home? “After how badly I’ve screwed up, that doesn’t seem like nearly enough.”

  “For her, that’s everything. Think about it.” He gave him a final clap on the back before he started walking up the plateau again.

  Conrad shoved to his feet, his head reeling from a hell of a lot more than booze.

  “Boothe,” he called out.

  Rowan stopped halfway up the hill. “Yeah, brother?”

  Conrad scratched along his collarbone, right over the spot that had once been broken. “Thanks for the cookie.”

  “No problem.” The doctor waved over his shoulder.

  As Boothe’s car rumbled away, Conrad let his old classmate’s advice roll around in his brain, lining up with memories of the past. Damn it, he’d fought for his wife. Hadn’t he?

  But as he looked back, he had to accept that he’d expected the marriage t
o fail from the start. He’d expected her to walk every bit as much as she’d expected him to follow the pattern of her old man. And when she didn’t walk this time, he’d pushed her away.

  Except Jayne wasn’t like his parents. She couldn’t be any further from his criminal of a dad or his passively crooked mother and he should have realized that. Countless times he’d accused Jayne of letting the past rule her, and he’d done the same thing. Convinced she would let him down, because, hey, he didn’t deserve her anyway. So he’d pushed her away. He might not have been the one to walk out the door, but he hadn’t left her any choice by rejecting her so callously. He hadn’t left physically, but no question, he’d emotionally checked out on her.

  She deserved better than that from him. She’d laid her heart out, something that must have been tough as hell for her after all they’d been through. He should have reassured her that she was his whole world. He worshipped the ground she walked on and his life was crap without her.

  And his life would continue to be crap if he didn’t get himself together and figure out how to make her believe he loved her. He’d panicked in telling her to leave. He realized now that even though he wasn’t good enough for her, he would work his ass off every single day for the rest of his life to be a man worthy of her. No matter what Salvatore uncovered, regardless of whether Conrad had a career or not, he wanted to spend his life with Jayne. He trusted her with anything. Everything. He would even answer her million questions, whatever it took to make her trust him again.

  To make her believe he loved her.

  Twelve

  The Bahamas shoreline was wasted on Jayne.

  She lounged in a swimsuit and sarong on the well-protected balcony with Hillary. Most people would give anything for a vacation like this at a Nassau casino with a friend to look out for her. Her new gal pal sure knew how to nurse a broken heart in style. But for all Jayne’s resolve to stand her ground, this split with Conrad hurt so much worse than the one before and she was only one day into the new breakup.

  The familiar sounds drifted from the casino below and wrapped around her, echoing bells and whistles, cheers of victory and ahhhs of disappointment. Glasses clinked as the drinks flowed in the resort, while boaters and swimmers splashed in the ocean. This place had its differences from Monte Carlo, a more casual air to the high-end vacationers in sarongs and flowing sundresses, but there were still plenty of jewels around necks, in ears…and in navels.