Jump Starting the Universe

by John David Buchanan

  “Don’t you think this is a little dream-like, or stupid?” asked Wayne, “take your pick.”

  “Well I might suggest improbable,” remarked Amelia. “Yeah what are the odds” said Mark.

  “The odds of what exactly?” interjected Wayne hotly, “we don’t have any idea what happened so how would you conclude odds?”

  “Well it was just a comment wasn’t it, not a request for a calculation - you know, what are the odds – just an innocent comment.” Blackie snorted, everyone else laughed and that helped alleviate some of the tension; Wayne didn’t look any different. That helped a lot, except that in the back of their minds everyone was mulling over Wayne’s comment – we don’t have any idea what happened, not to mention where is here.

  “Maybe it’s time for a drive?” said Wayne, “It might be good to look for some kind of city or shelter or something since its getting darker.” They looked out over a plain before them. In the distance were low mountains set against the sky like they were impossibly far away. Everyone piled into the Nomad as if they were off to another gig. Wayne drove, Amelia sat cramped between Wayne and Mark. Blackie sat in the back, way in the back.

  Crazy as it seems, after leaving the escarpment they immediately found a road and after a three minute drive it dead-ended into a larger road. The sky was a brilliant shade of magenta. “You don’t see that very often do you” yelled Blackie from the back of the Nomad.

  “Any ideas on which way to go?” Wayne asked everyone.

  “Fifty-fifty odds,” said Mark.

  When in doubt always turn right. A scientific fact known to most living creatures in all the dimensions of all the universes indicates virtually all species in all the known dimensions of the universes are influenced ever-so slightly, although some more than others due to proximity, by the Caterinian effect. The Caterinian effect is caused when Caterinia, a very, very large planet in Dimension 16T7788.7721, without any warning stops its gyrating rotation, grinds to almost an immediate halt (although an Acrinoid scientist says it takes exactly 0.0007821 picoseconds) and instantly (or another 0.0007821 picoseconds according to Tiflict) begins to spin the opposite direction. Apparently, and I don’t know how this is apparent, the inner and outer layers shear apart during the incessant starting and stopping with the inner layer continuing for quite some time in its original direction of rotation (something about things in motion staying in motion) while the outer layer inexplicably reverses. Eventually, the inner layer slows, stops, and joins the outer layer in the direction it is rotating and the whole process starts again. Well the gravity field produced by that counter-spinning phase is tremendous isn’t it? And because Caterinia is located so far out in the Solician Fields of Moray, virtually everything everywhere is pulled that direction. The gigantic magnetic field pulls ever so slightly on all living creatures and therefore, they are prone to turn right. Mark would have turned left. He’s left handed.

  It should be noted that Caterinia is no longer populated. Caterinian women got so sick of their office furniture and home furnishings being flung across to the other side of the room, not to mention themselves, that they all voted to leave and set up residence on Ipiniechia, a splendid little planet with no stopping and starting. The men on Caterinia staunchly refused to leave, and stayed. They stayed just long enough to get tired of fishing and sporting events and eventually voted to join their women folk on Ipiniechia where most of them immediately went fishing. Some things in the universes and dimensions are fascinatingly similar don’t you think?

  Fortunately Wayne had filled the Nomad with fuel before the gig on Earth. With Wayne driving furiously they made their way down the road about 15 minutes sitting in silence. Then, without warning, Mark exclaimed, “I was going to have dinner with that girl at the bar.”

  Everyone was quiet for a moment then Wayne said, “Well Romeo, I’m sure she is waiting for you to come inside and whisk her off to the Burger Barn.” Everyone laughed, most of all Mark.

  From his lodging in the back Blackie said hoarsely, “has anyone noticed the roads are paved with quartz? Odd don’t you think, quartz?” The Nomad eased over the top of a long rise and voila there was a small city.

  “Dang that was easy,” said Wayne who was getting a little uneasy with driving the quartz highway.

  About one mile down the road Wayne noticed in his rear view mirror an object that looked quite similar to a motorcycle policeman.

  “Man, I cannot catch a break today” he yelled and pulled over. The policeman dismounted and approached the driver’s side window which was down.

  “Yes officer, can I help you?” said Wayne.

  “I’d like to see your permit,” said the policeman. Wayne pulled out his wallet and handed over his driver license.

  “What is this?” asked the policeman.

  “That is my permit,” said Wayne, “you know a DRIVER’S PERMIT!”

  The next words spoken were something like this: This is Officer Sharaider requesting immediate assistance for an unpermitted MVO.” Without warning, in the time it takes to wonder what an MVO is, there were scads of policemen on motorbikes. Scads as in like the innumerable multitude, not unlike the carangid fishes Decapterus punctatus in the western Atlantic Ocean on Terra Bulga. Officer Sharaider watched them descend on the scene like locusts, like the ones John ate. Not John the cousin and toe rock player, THE John. Anyway, the policemen formed a ring around the Nomad, actually that would be eight rings around the Nomad as Officer Sharaider turned to Wayne and said, “You are all under arrest, don’t resist.”

  The term “don’t resist” is the most common police action statement used throughout all the entwined dimensions. It is so prevalent that any security officer of any kind is apt to bark, “Don’t resist” or some legally approved form of that phrase, at any given moment. In fact the term has been elevated to a legal status of its own after Marcus Trinitian robbed a galactic cruiser of its golden gyroscopic tuning fork and was arrested within 148.7 seconds. In his defense his attorney simply stated his client had not been told, “Don’t resist.” The jury of twelve Gentilian Ministerprods found him not guilty and awarded him the galactic cruiser as compensation for his ill treatment. Since that time, all police and security officers have received continuing education courses which include the how’s and why’s of when to say “Don’t resist,” which appears to be ALL the time.

  “That would be futile don’t you think?” said Blackie from the rear of the Nomad. Officer Sharaider pretended not to hear. He took his place at the front of the police rings and the procession advanced toward the small city of Unkrian. It seems the group’s arrest was at odds with the seemingly nice nature of the city. Streets were paved with clean bright quartz. The buildings were gorgeous to behold and every window was perfectly clean; it reminded Blackie of his father’s windscreen. Even the citizens smiled at the Nomad as the police ring led it to the 3rd Regional Courthouse.

  “In we go then,” said Sharaider and led the group down the perfectly clean hallway to a wonderfully wrought wooden desk. The young lady behind the desk smiled and passed each of them a form. The form requested answers to the following question: To which crime do you admit, please fill in your name, and have a nice day.

  Mark noticed Wayne was starting to get that look, like a soda bottle that having just been dropped on the floor begins to fill with foam just before blowing its lid across the room. The nice young lady behind the desk noticed Blackie. Mark stepped over next to Wayne and said “It could be worse; we could have NOT been paid.” Wayne’s face succumbed to the smallest of smiles against his best effort and the “foam” disappeared.

  The nice young lady behind the desk noticed Blackie a second time. Amelia walked to the desk but before she could ask a question the young lady asked “Is he with you?” as she nodded toward Blackie.

  “If you mean with, as in traveling together with a group, yes, if you mean with in any other application of the term, no.” The young woman, Beth according to her name tag, tapp
ed a gentle rhythm on her desk with her pen, smiled very widely and asked if she could be of help.

  “Well, we don’t understand the form,” said Amelia, “we aren’t from around here.”

  “Oh” said Beth, “I thought the presiding officer read you the charges. But honestly, I don’t think you look the type,” as she glanced at the arrest record, “I mean really, illegal transport of a metal object with intent, that’s really serious.”

  “With intent to what?” asked Amelia.

  “Well…” and Beth hesitated like she was expected to say something dirty,” to sell it” she whispered.

  “Sell what?” exclaimed Amelia.

  Beth looked shocked, “The metal transport of course.”

  “You mean the Nomad?”

  “Is that what it’s called, a Nomad,” said Beth, “does that mean something?”

  Amelia looked hard at the pretty receptionist and said, “I’m thinking it doesn’t mean anything at all here.”

  “Oh look,” Beth said as a young man delivered a large manila envelope to her in box, “your delivery papers are here. Just take these and pop down the hallway. Each form has a number, don’t be shy.” Sure enough, each form had a number and a letter. Number 4m, number 5m, number 6F, number 7m. They went through the door to the hallway, down the hall and turned right. There they found a series of jail cells each with a number 4m, 5m, 6F, 7m.

  “The F is for female,” said a man in cell 4m trying to be helpful. Blackie went to 7m, walked in and shut the door. Then he turned the door knob and the door opened.

  “The lock on this one is broken,” said Blackie.

  “Oh, they don’t lock,” the man chuckled.

  There was something strangely familiar about that chuckle. Amelia went in 6F and sat on the bed. Wayne and Mark entered 5m, which conveniently had two beds. They even looked comfortable.

  “What are you in for?” asked the man in 4m who seemed to be excited about someone to talk to.

  “Well I don’t exactly know?” said Mark to which Amelia quipped, “Oh, illegal transport of a metal object with intent.”

  The man’s smile dropped, “That’s serious he said.

  “Would you like to explain,” asked Wayne.

  “Well,” the man lowered his voice, “it was banned after the war - no one could have it.”

  “No one could own a car?” asked Wayne.

  “A transport,” offered Amelia.

  “No one could own a transport?” said Wayne who was entering the initial stages of “foaming.”

  “Well of course they could own transports,” said the man, “but not metal ones, not metal fences, metal tools, not metal anything.”

  “Why is that?” asked Blackie.

  “Where in the heavens have you people been,” asked the old man. So, they told him. They told him the whole story. They told him about the band, the gig, and about the deer and the greenish tint.

  “That story explains a lot,” said the man in cell 4m. “By the way my name is Prenetian.”

  Mark gave a low a sigh as he sat on his bed looking at his shoes. “We have a few more important things to consider than a girl at the bar” said Wayne. Mark looked at Wayne, looked at Amelia, and looked back at Wayne.

  “Touché” said Wayne, “My bad.” They both smiled widely.

  “You might want to tell me what you are getting on about?” said Blackie from the end cell.

  “Did you notice the receptionist?” said Mark.

  “Well, I guess,” said Blackie.

  “Well, she noticed you,” said Mark.

  “So naïve when they’re young,” Mark mouthed the words looking at Wayne, who burst out laughing.

  Apparently real metal wasn’t allowed on Alphus Nebulum. Sort of like when the government on Terra Bulga once said you couldn’t have gold anymore, only then it was with much more political reasoning and back door deals. Prenetian explained, as best he could, the situation. The planet Alphus Nebulum had been involved in a very costly and devastating war. You would think that since that theme, costly and devastating, both in lives and resources, seemed to be repeated with wanton abandon throughout the universes someone, some government, some planet would say enough is enough and propose a complete ban on war. Well, someone warn all the young men and women, they haven’t.

  Prenetian continued his story. “During the war metal was of course used for every defensive and offensive device beyond imagination. Once, expecting war to be declared by the Nargusians, the Thenatrians flung a tetratic sphere across Dimension 48D607 in year 4867.29. It returned from the fling in 4878.35 having collected so much energy that when it exploded in the Nargus atmosphere the day after Thenatrians declared war, no living creature remained alive. The Thenatrians were victorious in one day. The next day Parliament convened on Nargusian Delta 2 and voted to withhold galactic commerce from Thenatria for 50 years. Knowing they would win the war against Nargus quickly, Thenatrians didn’t store provisions, and ill prepared for a trade ban. Thenatria was an import planet since it was devoid of most natural resources. During the next 50 years ninety percent of the population died from disease or malnutrition. When the news of what happened on Thenatria leaked out, an armistice was declared, and that particular conflict was over or at least postponed.

  “The government of Alphus Nebulum sought out every other government known to exist in all the dimensions and signed treaties with every one of them, promising to do everything it could to avoid war. It was reasoned, unsoundly, that since metal was required to produce the armaments that caused so much of the war’s destruction, the use and ownership of metal should be strictly forbidden except for permitted research. That is government in action. All metal was confiscated by the government and was stored in a vast area north of Sadden Ocean. The area is so remote no one except guards and their families travel there. The production and import of metal or metal containing products was banned. Of course leaders in the military saw these actions as a move toward pacifism and immediately began to divert budget allocations into the research and production of nonmetallic weapons. The second result was a thriving black market trading in metal. What we have discovered is that the legislation of morality simply does not work. Someday someone will observe that a different approach to disagreement is required to prevent disputes from escalating into full scale destruction. Until then we fail.”

  Prenetian hesitated for a moment, then asked, “So this transport of yours, does it contain metal? If it does that would explain your arrest.”

  “Yes, you might say it contains metal,” said Wayne hesitantly.

  “Yeah” said Mark, “roughly 3470 pounds or about 1,574 kilograms of metal.”

  “Oh my,” said Prenetian, “that is a very large amount of metal; you ARE in trouble aren’t you.” Everyone shifted a bit nervously. “You seem to be taking all this rather well though. I mean, Terra Bulgans don’t travel space much and being arrested doesn’t seem to have bothered you as much as I think it should.”

  “Well, I’m just waiting to wake up” said Wayne.

  “Me too” said Mark.

  “And me” said Amelia.

  There was a little springy noise from cell 7m as Blackie adjusted his weight on the bed and offered, “You are going to wake up alright. And when you do, you are going to be right here. Do you think four of us could be having the exact same dream?”

  At that point of very uncomfortableness Prenetian said, “I should offer some additional explanations,” as he dug around in a very nice backpack like bag slung on the end of his bed, “about your trip or adventure I mean. You managed a cross-over, so you’re going to need one of these,”

  “What is it?” said Mark while Wayne eyed the instrument and Mark passed it to Amelia. Taking something from someone in jail didn’t seem like a good idea, and it’s not like any of them planned this cross-over thing.

  “It’s a Jump Starter.”

  “What’s it for?” inquired Blackie, who was keen on being included in convers
ation and not being in the back of the Nomad for a change.

  “Well it’s for jumping, isn’t it,” said Prenetian.

  “Is it?” said Wayne.

  “Of course it is,” said Prenetian.

  “This one has the original Doppler diffuser, sorry but its mono only. My new model,” he held it up jubilantly, “has stereo diffusion.”

  “So the Doppler diffuser….

  “Yes,” said Prenetian cutting off Wayne, “exactly, during the jump the Doppler Effect can be really uncomfortable to the ears.”

  “How uncomfortable?” asked Blackie?

  “Well there is sometimes a lot of blood involved, or other fluid depending on the species,” said Prenetian brightly.

  “And it….

  “Yes,” replied Prenetian, again cutting off Wayne, “it completely cancels out any sound and thereby avoids the untimely loss of liquids.”

  Mark, Wayne, Amelia and Blackie sat quietly for a moment. “Well if it completely cancels out any sound it really doesn’t matter if it’s a mono or stereo model does it?” said Wayne.

  “That is completely beside the point,” offered Prenetian. Completely beside what point they were not sure, and although Blackie was so enjoying being a part of the conversation that he wanted to press the Doppler issue, he thought better of it in the end.