A waiter with a long mustache approached. “Ah, Mr. Gideon, the feet on the table. An excellent choice!” he said in a French accent.
Gideon frowned. “Jean-Luc, what did we discuss about eye contact?”
The waiter backed away, looking into space. “Yes, yes! Very good!”
Mabel stared at the place setting in front of her. “I’ve never seen so many forks!” She lifted her drinking glass. “And water with bubbles in it! Ooh, la la! Oui Oui!”
Gideon cleared his throat. “Parlez-vouz Français?”
“I have no idea what you’re saying,” Mabel said blankly.
Back at the Mystery Shack, Stan was comfortably reading a newspaper in his underwear—until a picture on page six stopped him cold. He marched up to the cash register where Soos, Dipper, and Wendy were hanging out.
“Hey, hey! What the Jekyll is Mabel doing in the paper next to that greasy pickpocket Gideon?” he barked, pointing to the article. It showed Mabel and Gideon walking down the street, with the headline LIL’ GIDEON’S LIL’ GIRLFRIEND?
“Oh, yeah, it’s like a big deal,” Wendy said, scrolling through news updates on her phone. “Everybody’s talking about Gideon and Mabel’s big date tonight.”
Stan’s face turned red. “What? That little shyster is dating my great-niece?”
“I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple,” Soos said. “Mabideon? Gideabel?” Then he gasped. “May-Gid-Bel-Eon!”
“I didn’t know!” Dipper told Stan. “I didn’t hear about it! And plus, I told her not to!”
Stan rushed off and quickly changed into his suit.
“Yeah, well, it ends tonight,” Stan said firmly, stomping toward the front door. “I’m going right down to that little skunk’s house. This is going to stop right now!”
Stan came to a screeching stop in front of the house where Gideon and his father, Buddy Gleeful, lived. The white-shingled house had an iron fence around it. A billboard on the fence read HOME OF LIL’ GIDEON! LIKE FROM TV!
Stan swung open the gate and stomped down the walk, past a stone statue of Gideon with wings like a cupid. A flowery sign that said PARDON THIS GARDEN hung from the front door. Stan banged on the door as hard as he could.
“Gideon, you little punk! Open up!” He stopped to read the sign. “I will pardon nothing!” he yelled, and swatted the sign off the door.
Buddy Gleeful answered, his massive body taking up the doorframe. “Why, Stanford Pines! What a delight!”
“Out of the way, Bud,” Stan said, pushing him aside. “I’m looking for Gideon.”
Buddy smiled widely. “Well, I haven’t seen the boy around, but since you’re here, you simply must come in for coffee!” He put an arm around Stan and ushered him inside.
“B—but, I came—” he said, but Buddy placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Ah, it’s imported! All the way from Colombia!”
Stan brightened. “Wow, I went to jail there once!” he said, impressed. After all, when had he ever turned down a free cup of coffee?
He followed Buddy inside the living room, with its overstuffed lavender couch, recliner, and flowery rug.
“Some digs you got here,” Stan said, looking around. Then he stopped in front of a sad clown painting on the wall and whistled in appreciation. “Wow! This is beautiful.” Then he plopped down on the soft couch.
Buddy nervously cleared his throat. “Now, I hear your niece and Gideon are—well, they’re singing in harmony, so to speak,” Buddy said with a chuckle, as he placed a steaming mug on the coffee table.
“Uh, yeah! And I’m against it.” Stan knocked a couch pillow onto the floor.
“No, no, no! I see it as a fantastic business opportunity! The Mystery Shack and the Tent of Telepathy!” Buddy said, helping Stan up and walking him across the room. “We’ve been at each other’s throats for far too long.” Upon seeing a photo of Stan pinned to a dartboard, Buddy snatched it off and said, “Let me get that.” He tossed it over his shoulder and continued walking. “This is our big chance to brush aside our rivalry, and pool our collective profits, you see.”
The word “profits” caught Stan’s attention. “I’m listening.”
Back at the restaurant, Mabel and Gideon were finishing their fancy dinner. Gideon wiped his face with his napkin. Mabel looked down at the still-alive lobster on her plate. She couldn’t bear to have them cook it for her.
“Mabel, tonight’s date was a complete success!” Gideon announced. “And tomorrow’s date promises to top this one in every way!”
“Whoa, whoa!” Mabel said. “You said just one date! And this was it!” And for Mabel, it hadn’t been a success at all. Gideon had talked about himself the whole time. It was rude to bring a horse into a restaurant, and who ate cute lobsters, anyway?
Gideon held out his arm. “Hark! What a surprise! A red-crested South American rainbow macaw!”
An enormous bird bigger than Gideon’s head flew to their table and landed on Gideon’s outstretched arm. Gideon counted down. Then the bird began to squawk out a message, one word at a time.
“Mabel. Will. You. Accompany. Gideon. To. The. Ballroom. Dance. This. Thurbday. Er, Thursday.”
Now everybody in the restaurant was looking at them.
“Aw, so adorable!” said one woman, as the macaw flew away.
The chef smiled at them from the kitchen. “Gideon’s got a girlfriend!”
“They’re expecting us,” Gideon whispered. “Please say you’ll go?”
“Awww,” everyone said as they gathered around the table.
Mabel did not want to say yes. Not one little bit.
“Gideon, I’m sorry, but I’m gonna have to say—”
Sheriff Blubs interrupted her. “I’m on the edge of my seat!”
“This is gonna be adorable,” said a skinny biker.
“If she says no, I’ll die from sadness!” wailed an old lady.
A doctor spoke up from behind her. “I can verify that that will indeed happen.”
Everyone at the restaurant cheered and hollered for Mabel.
Mabel sighed. She wanted to say no. But how could she when everyone wanted her to say yes?
When Mabel returned to the Mystery Shack, Dipper was reading from Journal #3. Mabel walked in with the lobster from the restaurant.
“Hey, how’d it go?” Dipper asked her.
“I don’t know,” Mabel said with a sigh. “I have a lobster now.” She carefully dropped the lobster into the big fish tank and watched it sink.
“Well, at least it’s over and you won’t ever have to go out with him again,” Dipper said, waiting for a “yes” from his sister. But he didn’t get one. “Mabel? It’s over, right?”
Mabel threw up her hands. “Blargh! He asked me out again and I didn’t know how to say no!”
“Like this,” Dipper said. “No.”
“It’s not that easy, Dipper!” Mabel said. “And I do like Gideon. As a friend slash little sister! So I didn’t want to hurt his feelings!” She sat in a chair across from Dipper. “I just need to get things back to where they used to be. You know, friends!”
But Gideon had other ideas. Mabel went to the dance with him, like she had promised, but Gideon insisted that they take a boat ride on the Gravity Falls Lake afterward. Old Man McGucket rowed the boat while they glided across the moonlit water.
“Boatin’ at night! Boatin’ at night!” McGuckett screamed to no one in particular.
Mabel laughed nervously as she looked in Gideon’s eyes. “You know I thought dancing was going to be the end of the evening, right?”
Gideon grabbed her hands. “Don’t you want this evening to last, my sweet?”
Mabel quickly pulled her hands away. “No! I mean, yes. I mean, I’m always happy to hang out with a friend. Buddy. Pa
l. Chum. Other word for friend.”
“Pal?” Old Man McGucket said.
“I already said pal. Uh, mate?” Mabel said.
“How about…soul mate?” Gideon asked as he leaned close to her. Fireworks exploded above them, spelling out MABEL inside a pink heart.
“Well, you can’t say no to that!” said Old Man McGucket.
And Mabel couldn’t say no. Gideon locked her into another date before he brought her back to the shack.
Inside, she nervously paced back and forth across the floor.
“He’s so nice, but I can’t keep doing this, but I can’t break his heart. Argh! I have no way out!” she said to herself, feeling frantic.
Dipper poked his head into the living room. “What in the heck happened on that date?”
“I don’t know!” Mabel wailed. “I was in the friend zone. And then, before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into the romance zone. It was like quicksand!” She grabbed Dipper’s shoulders. “Chubby quicksand!”
Dipper hated to see his sister freaking out like this. “Mabel, come on. It’s not like you’re going to have to marry Gideon.”
Then Stan burst into the room. “Great news, Mabel! You have to marry Gideon!”
dropped open. “What?”
“It’s all part of my long-term deal with Buddy Gleeful!” Stan said. “There’s a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus, I got this shirt.”
He looked down at the T-shirt he was wearing. It read TEAM GIDEON. The tight shirt hugged his jiggly belly.
“Ugh, am I fat,” Stan said.
Mabel screamed and ran out of the room.
“Bodies change, honey!” he called after her. “Bodies change.”
Dipper followed Mabel up the stairs to their attic bedroom. At first, he didn’t see Mabel. But then he noticed her hiding in the corner, rocking back and forth, with the collar of her sweater pulled up to cover her entire head.
“Oh no,” Dipper said. “Mabel?”
“Mabel’s not here. She’s in Sweater Town,” she said miserably.
“Are you gonna come out of Sweater Town?” Dipper asked.
Mabel just moaned and shook her head.
“All right. Enough is enough! If you can’t break up with Gideon, then I’ll do it for you.”
Mabel poked her head out of the sweater. “You will?” Mabel asked.
Dipper nodded.
Then she hugged her brother and gave him playful punches. “Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Mabel knew they could find Gideon at The Club, where the rich people in Gravity Falls hung out. She waited outside while Dipper went in to talk to Gideon. He found Gideon sitting at a table by himself.
“Oh, Dipper Pines, how are you?” Gideon asked, placing down his enormous menu. “You look good, you look good.”
“Thanks, you, uh—” But Dipper couldn’t think of anything nice to say. He simply scratched his head. “Look, Gideon, we’ve gotta talk. Mabel isn’t joining you tonight. She, uh, doesn’t want to see you anymore.” He chuckled nervously. “She’s, uh, she’s kind of weirded out by you. No offense!”
Gideon’s eyes narrowed. “So what you’re saying is, you’ve come between us,” he said through clenched teeth. His eye twitched.
Dipper didn’t like the look on his face. “You’re not gonna, like, freak out or anything, are ya?”
“Of course not!” Gideon changed his tune and gave a gentle laugh. “These things happen. Bygones, you know.”
Dipper nodded. “So okay, cool. Well then, again, sorry, man, but, uh, thumbs-up, right?”
Dipper forced a smile and gave Gideon a thumbs-up. Then he quickly backed up and went outside, where Mabel was nervously waiting for him.
“How did it go? Was he mad? Did he try to read your mind with his psychic powers?” she asked.
“Don’t worry, Mabel, he’s just a kid,” Dipper assured her. “He doesn’t have any powers.”
Over at Gideon’s house, Gideon was fuming. Up in his bedroom, he stared at his reflection in his lighted makeup mirror.
“Dipper Pines, you don’t know what you’ve done!” he growled angrily. He placed his hand on the stone around his neck and an eerie green glow emitted from it.
Pop! Pop! Pop! The light bulbs around the mirror exploded one by one. His dresser, nightstand, and bed levitated off the floor.
“You’ve just made the biggest mistake of your life!” Gideon growled, thinking of Dipper. He angrily pointed at his floating dresser.
Crash! It fell to the floor, breaking into pieces.
His father pushed open the door. “Gideon Charles Gleeful! Clean up your room this instant!”
Gideon spun around, his eyes blazing. He pointed a stubby finger at his father. “I can buy and sell you, old man!”
Buddy shrugged. “Fair enough.” Then he backed out of the room.
But Dipper and Mabel had no idea how angry Gideon was—or that he really had magic powers. Back at the Mystery Shack, they were hanging out, taking turns punching the pillow that Soos had stuck under his T-shirt.
“I’m so glad everything’s back to normal,” Mabel said, relieved.
Then the phone rang, and Dipper picked it up.
“Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper,” said the voice on the other end.
“Oh, hey, man! It’s Dipper,” Dipper said.
“We want to interview you about whether you’ve seen anything unusual in this here town since you’ve arrived,” the reporter said.
“Oh, finally!” Dipper said. “I thought nobody would ever ask! I have notes and theories.”
Dipper wrote down the address that Toby gave him. “Tonight? Got it.”
Dipper was excited. He had been taking lots of notes about every strange thing he’d seen in Gravity Falls since he arrived this summer. It would be great to share his stories with the world.
It didn’t even occur to him that it might be a trap. That Gideon had bribed Toby to get Dipper exactly where he wanted him—alone, and on Gideon’s turf.
That night, Dipper rode his bicycle to the address Toby had given him—412 Gopher Road. He found himself at a factory on top of a tall cliff that overlooked the whole town. Dipper stepped through the open bay and cautiously called into the darkness. “Hello?”
The door slammed shut behind him. He tried to open it, slamming his fist against it, but it was locked. He spun around as the lights came on. A desk chair swiveled around to reveal Gideon seated in it. He patted a Lil’ Gideon doll on his lap. It looked just like a mini version of himself.
“Hello, friend,” said Gideon in a sweet voice.
Dipper was annoyed. “Gideon?”
“Dipper Pines, how long have you been living in this town?” Gideon asked. “A week? Two? You like it here? Enjoy the scenery?”
“What do you want from me, man?” Dipper asked.
“Listen carefully, boy,” Gideon said, his voice darkening. “This town has secrets you couldn’t begin to comprehend.”
“Is this about Mabel?” Dipper asked. “I told you, she’s not into you!”
“Liar!” Gideon snapped. He jumped out of his chair and stomped toward Dipper. “You turned her against me. She was my peach dumpling!”
Gideon’s face flushed with anger. The stone on his bolo tie started to glow as he placed a hand on it.
“Uh, are you okay, man?” Dipper asked.
Blue-green light from the stone surrounded Dipper. He gasped as the light lifted him off the floor. Then it tossed him backward, crashing him into a stack of boxes of Lil’ Gideon dolls.
“Howdy!” one of the dolls squeaked.
Gideon flashed a sinister grin. “Reading minds isn’t all I can do.”
Dipper couldn’t believe his eyes. “B—but—
you’re a fake!” But he wasn’t so sure anymore.
“Oh, tell me, Dipper, is this fake?” Gideon placed a hand on his stone.
He raised his other hand and the boxes in the factory started opening up. Dipper gasped as Gideon dolls, clocks, and mugs floated up into the air, suspended by blue light!
was caught in Gideon’s clutches, Mabel sat on the porch of the Mystery Shack, chewing a strand of her hair. At first, she was glad that Dipper was taking care of her Gideon problem for her. But then she started to feel bad. Deep down, she knew that she should be the one to do it.
Wendy sat down beside her. “How’s that hair tasting, buddy?”
“Wendy, I need some advice,” Mabel said. “You’ve broken up with guys, right?”
“Oh, yeah.” She started to count on her fingers. “Russ Durham, Eli Hall, Stony Davidson—”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me!” Mabel wailed. “I thought everything was back to normal, but I still feel all gross.”
“—Mike Worley, Nate Holts. Oh, that guy with the tattoos,” Wendy said, still counting.
Mabel sighed. “Maybe letting Dipper do it for me was a mistake. Gideon deserves an honest breakup.”
“Danny Feldman, Mark Epstein—oh man, I’m not sure I ever actually broke up with him. No wonder he keeps calling me!”
“I know what I gotta do,” Mabel said. “Thanks for talking to me, Wendy!”
She hopped on her bike and pedaled away.
Wendy’s phone beeped. It was one of her exes. “Ignore!”
Over at the factory, Dipper was dodging Lil’ Gideon merchandise as the tiny psychic hurled the floating objects at him one by one. They shattered down around him. He ran toward a huge bookcase, which came crashing down toward him. Dipper rolled away just in time.
“Grunkle Stan was right about you!” Dipper yelled. “You are a monster!”
“Your sister will be mine!” cried Gideon, laughing maniacally.
Gideon pulled a string on his doll and it mimicked his laugh.
Pining Away Page 4