Ever

by Shade, Darrin

  Gram had seemed so satisfied when we did our exercises. She always told me I was special. I just thought she was telling me what every little kid wanted to hear. But maybe…she meant something else? No. No way. There was just no way that all of this meant anything. I mean, maybe Gram had read the book. Or maybe she knew Sylvia…that made even more sense. Gram had a very close-knit group of friends but they had all passed on until she was alone. When I came along, she was my primary caretaker. My dad was nonexistent, and my mom worked full-time so we could live in Covecrest Hills—it was mostly affluent and safe, with a good school district. Gram took care of me from the time I was a little girl until she passed on unexpectedly.

  I still remember how I came home that day and found out that she was gone. A part of me just turned off. I was unable to breathe as my mom tried to comfort me. There was a funeral and it was like a force field kept me from entering the mortuary. I just couldn’t go inside. I sat beneath an old oak tree, tears streaming from my face, until my mom made me go in to say goodbye. I was a mess—a total mess. It was a closed casket—thank God. I blocked most of that day out. I guess I blocked out a lot of things. The attunements. The stories.

  But…that was all just made-up fantasy stuff. Wasn’t it?

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  It’s Real

  I spent the three-day weekend holed up in my room, reading more of the book. Some of it was hard to understand, but most of what Sylvia said seemed almost familiar to me. People’s energy extended beyond their actual bodies. The energy smoke was an extension of this, but most people couldn’t see it. I could feel it and see it—which was apparently rare.

  Sylvia described chakras, too—centers of energy each person had. Each chakra corresponded to a part of the body and other characteristics. It was all really interesting, but dense. I could only read about thirty minutes at a time before I had to stop. But I felt enlightened after each session with my magic journal, although none of it explained my blackout in math class. I decided to chalk that up to the goo on my hand. When I wasn’t reading it, I stowed Sylvia’s book under a loose floorboard in my closet.

  Visions will guide you. Listen to your inner voice.

  My inner voice. I wasn’t sure what that was, but there was one thing I had been doodling for a while now—the tree. I was still thinking about it as I headed to school on Tuesday.

  “Ever!” Val’s voice sliced into my head.

  “Hey, how are you feeling?” I asked.

  “What are you talking about? Oh, yeah. Well, you know my mom wasn’t even home when we got back so I didn’t get busted or anything.” She chattered on as we walked to our lockers.

  “That’s cool,” I responded, as I extracted my math text from the pile of books and papers in my locker.

  “Kamryn’s so cool,” she continued, snapping her gum.

  I felt it before I saw it this time—the smoke swirling toward me, seeking to make me shrink. Something happened that I hadn’t planned. Inside my mind, I saw a shimmery, golden circle of light surround me, like a barrier. Val’s energy smoke bounced right off and the shrinking feeling never happened.

  “Um, so…I guess I’ll see you at lunch?” Val sounded deflated.

  “Sure.” I turned to look at her and was surprised to see a flash of sadness on her face.

  “Later.” She walked off without a backward glance.

  I headed into MacFarlane’s class panic-free, still marveling about the barrier I had created in my mind.

  * * *

  After lunch, I had Biology. I really liked everything about it except the dissection stuff that was coming up next quarter. The teacher, Mr. Hopkins, was cool in a metro kind of way. He wore pink ties and Converse. I liked him. Plus, he never made his students feel stupid.

  “Today, we are learning about gymnosperms!” Hopkins declared.

  A few kids laughed. Someone asked, “Did he say sperm?”

  I rolled my eyes. I knew that gymnosperms were like, pine trees or something.

  Twenty minutes of lecture and note-taking later, Hopkins fired up his laptop and started a video about the world’s largest gymnosperms.

  “Yosemite National Park is home to a grove of old-growth conifers,” the narrator said.

  As the camera panned over Mariposa Grove, the hair on the back of my neck began to stand up, and my crystal began its characteristic hum. There it was! The Tree! I could hardly contain my excitement. I was taking notes furiously, trying to get all of the information down. The short video ended and I couldn’t sit still. Especially when Hopkins began passing out a flyer for a three-day-long nature trip that would be offered right before spring break. In Yosemite. Near The Tree. Even better, the whole thing was sponsored by the Covecrest Student Enrichment Program—a group of Rich Parents who were always looking to get their names in the paper for their extravagant donations to the school. When Hopkins asked for a show of hands from interested students, my hand shot up so fast I thought it was going to fly off my body.

  I grabbed a couple of the yellow flyers when they came down my row. Now, I just had to convince my mom that I was in desperate need of extra credit. It shouldn’t be a problem—she would probably be happy that I was going to have an enriching experience that she didn’t have to pay for.

  “Ever!” Naomi was waiting for me at my locker. “Wow, you look totally stoked! What’s that?” She looked at the flyer clutched in my fist.

  “Um, oh, this? It’s for a field trip.” I failed miserably at trying to contain my excitement.

  “Can I have one? You have a couple.”

  “Sure.”

  “What’s up?” Val and Dara appeared behind us and peered over Naomi’s shoulder.

  “It’s, like, an extra credit camp thing, for bio.”

  “God, I am totally failing bio,” Val sighed, as she spritzed herself with her mom’s Chanel perfume.

  “I think I have a C-minus,” Dara said.

  “What about you, Ever?” Naomi asked.

  “Uh, well, I’m not sure. But everyone could use extra credit, right?” I didn’t want to admit that I was acing bio. I loved nature, and science about life was right up my alley.

  “Oh my God,” Val exclaimed, startling me.

  “What?” Dara asked.

  “This must be the trip I heard some girls talking about in the bathroom earlier. They said my man is going. We have to go!”

  “You mean Jaren?” I asked. Really? Jaren Wilder was going on the field trip? He was a senior, and the word was that he did pretty well in school, too. It didn’t make sense that he would want to go. Then again, I guess it didn’t make much sense that I wanted to go, either.

  “Yes, Jaren,” Val hissed, reminding me that I was not to speak her crush’s name without a good reason.

  “Oh,” I replied, turning away so I could close my eyes and envision my golden light shield. It worked. I felt Val’s attempt at getting to me bounce right off.

  “So it’s settled. We are going to…to…Yosemite.”

  Val pronounced it Yo-se-might. I didn’t correct her. I knew better.

  “Cool,” Dara said.

  “What do we wear?” Naomi wondered.

  My Outcast friends were starting to sound like Wannabees. Wow. This was going to be an interesting trip.

  * * *

  My mom seemed pretty excited that I wanted to go to Yosemite.

  “Wow, I haven’t been there in years,” she commented, a faraway look in her eyes. “Since way before you were born. There’s a ton of camping stuff in the garage.”

  Gram’s trunk was in the garage too, but I couldn’t look at it. Not yet. Mom took down a dusty box and pulled out a backpack, some cool headlamps and a pocketknife, among other things. Besides some batteries, it looked like I would be set for this trip, without spending a dime. Perfect. I brought the gear into my room and piled it carefully next to my bed.

  It had been a long day. I pulled on my ratty sweats and an old tee shirt. When I settled myself under the cove
rs, my body felt tired but my mind was nothing of the sort. I closed my eyes and took a breath.

  There was a sound that I had been hearing. It was faint. But I had to wonder about it. Sylvia had told me to hear and listen. Was this sound what I was supposed to hear? I felt part of my consciousness push out, kind of separate, from the rest of me. I focused on the sound. What was it? It was familiar in a way that reminded me of being a little kid.

  The smell of popcorn wafted to my nostrils even though my mom had returned to her room to watch television. So, there was no popcorn here. Yum, now I smelled cotton candy. I could almost taste it. I continued to focus on the faint sound and then it suddenly became clearer. It was a noise you hear at a carnival or maybe at Disneyland. It was from a ride. Maybe…a carousel? I strained to hear more but there was something else—another sound—competing with the music I was hearing. This sound was different. It was sad. And it didn’t come from any amusement park ride.

  My head was starting to hurt. Suddenly, the thought of cotton candy was very appealing. I almost cut my strange investigation short to do a sugar run—I knew my mom had cookies on the counter. But I continued to hear and listen. The sad, keening noise got so that it overcame all of the other sounds I was hearing. I felt like I was closing in on it when my stomach gave a loud rumble, shocking me out of my vision, or whatever it was.

  I needed those cookies, and I needed them now. I couldn’t help myself. I shoved six peanut butter sandies into my mouth before the crazy rumble in my gut died down. I grabbed a three more and headed back to my room with a big glass of ice-cold milk. The cookies helped but what I really needed was some rest, and thankfully, I got some.

  When I woke up the next morning, my pillow was covered with cookie crumbs. During breakfast, my mom tapped the half-empty cookie tin and gave me an unreadable look, but she didn’t make any comments so that was good. I wanted more but my sugar addiction was getting out of control.

  Later, when I opened my book bag, I found three more cookies stuffed in there. How did my mom know? Thinking back, I realized that my mom always seemed to know what I needed. Whether it was space, a hug, or a few bucks…or a few extra cookies to get me through the day.

  CHAPTER NINE

  Meeting the Giant

  Sometimes, I wanted to pretend that nothing weird was happening, but I couldn’t ignore the reminders that proved to me I hadn’t made everything up in my head. For one thing, I still had the book I had found in the library. Then there was my crystal, which had been silent lately, but there was no way I was taking it off. If I let my eyes go out of focus, the swirling colors I saw around everybody were enough to make my head spin. Every now and again, I heard the merry-go-round music and that sad, whining noise. But I guess I was getting used to hearing that.

  The day of the field trip came faster than I expected. I barely had time to pack. Then again, what did I need, really? Some warm clothes and boots, and my backpack. I brought my headlamp and of course, my iPod. Since our moms were at work, Val’s brother gave us a ride. I felt a moment of unease as I surveyed the other girls’ stuff. Dara, Naomi and Val each had brand spanking new duffel bags in bright colors. The logos told me they were from the surf shop down the street. Dara had her hair flat-ironed, Naomi sported a French manicure, and all three of them were wearing loads of makeup and designer jeans.

  I looked down at my faded skinnies and oversized sweatshirt and wondered if I had somehow messed up. Hopkins had handed out a packing list and I had everything on it packed neatly into my duffel—which was old, charcoal gray, and about half the size of Val’s. I shrugged and joined Dara and Naomi in the back. They had left the middle seat for me—because I was smaller, they said. I climbed over Naomi and she giggled.

  “Hi, Ever! I’m so excited.”

  She was. Dara, too. But Val…Val sat stick straight in the passenger seat. She didn’t say a word until we were out of the car. We lugged our stuff over to the Chipotle parking lot where a group of kids waited with Hopkins. The sun was just starting to set for the overnight bus ride that would get us to the park in the early morning.

  “Welcome, girls!” he greeted.

  “Hi, Mr. H.,” I responded. He was wearing lime-green Converse today and a matching windbreaker. I had to admit I liked Hopkins’s style.

  “I’ll take those permission slips. And your behavior contracts.”

  We handed over our paperwork. Every student had signed a form saying that they would adhere to school policy regarding smoking, drinking, fighting and sexual activity, while on the school-sponsored field trip. But looking around me, I could tell that a lot of the kids on this trip were going on it just so they could have the opportunity to let loose.

  The bus showed up and, as we went up the stairs, the bus number seemed to illuminate and catch my attention—4700. Another forty-seven. What was it with that number? Dara and Naomi slid into some seats on the right side, and Val and I took the ones directly behind them. I wondered if this would be wise, since Naomi’s loud giggling was going to prevent anyone near her from sleeping. Who was I kidding? I could almost feel the buzz of excitement emanating from the students around me. Even though we were leaving at night so that people could sleep on the bus, it was going to take hours for anyone to doze off.

  I heard Val suck in an excited breath next to me. I looked up in time to see Jaren board the bus, an army-style messenger bag slung over his shoulder. I averted my gaze quickly, avoiding his piercing stare. I noticed that Val was not the only one having an obvious reaction to the guy. Several girls whispered, giggled and stole obsessive peeks at him. Briefly, I wondered if Jaren felt the way celebrities did…constantly monitored yet never totally understood by a throng of admirers.

  “Damn, he is so fine.” Val sighed and began rummaging around in her bag.

  I resisted the urge to look over my shoulder. Several hours later, the bus jolted to a stop somewhere near Bakersfield. I wrinkled my nose at the smell. Bakersfield was apparently home to a multitude of cattle. This was fitting since everyone stampeded out of the bus like a deranged herd. Val, Dara and Naomi headed to the little food mart while a bunch of other kids snuck around back to do God knew what—hook up, smoke a joint… I had no idea and I didn’t care to find out. I hung back and went to sit on a bench near the bus. Before everything that had happened to me, I would have been the first person behind the mini mart with my smokes. Instead, I pulled out The Archive.

  I cleared my head and began to read the section in the journal about animal totems. According to the author, animals could act as messengers or something. I found this idea totally interesting. I mean, cats always seemed to find me somehow. When my first cat, a large Maine Coon named Snickers, passed away, Bear, a six-toed tortoise shell showed up meowing incessantly outside my bedroom window two days later. I always felt like I understood animals more than people. They were so…real.

  I fiddled with my pendant. The muggy night air carried the voices of several Populars talking loudly across the parking lot. The volume of their voices was calculated. I could almost sense their energetic feelers reaching out. I witnessed the smoky trails flowing from several girls to the one who commanded their attention. My pen came to a halt as I watched the phenomenon. My head fell into a now routine tilt, which helped me focus better on the swirling colors. Then a slight movement caught my eye. He was leaning against the side of the deserted bus…and he was looking straight at me as if he knew. I snapped back into my own head as Jaren Wilder walked a direct path to where I was sitting and then stood there, like he was daring me to ignore him further.

  “Um…hi?” It came out as a squeaky uncertain question although I had intended to come across as cool.

  “What are you doing?” It sounded like a challenge.

  “Um, I’m just working on a, er, an assignment here, you know, more extra credit.” I had become a babbling idiot again.

  “You’re a bad liar,” he said, trying to meet my eyes as hard as I was trying to avoid meeting his.
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br />   His comment ruffled me. “I’m a damned good liar, actually,” I retorted, as an annoying flush crept up my neck. “For example, I really enjoy these random encounters with you.”

  I threw a sarcastic edge into my voice pretty successfully this time and then wondered at my bitchiness. Why was I so intent on being rude to Jaren Wilder? I guess maybe I was confused about his intentions—and about my uncontrollable reaction to him. There was also that nagging thought that maybe, just maybe, he did know my secret—that he knew I was totally losing it.

  I met Jaren’s eyes for a brief second and that intoxicating ripple washed through me, reminding me of the way I felt when he had touched my hand at Kamryn’s party. I forgot to breathe.

  “No, you’re not lying about that,” he said finally, an amused grin coming across his face. “You like these random encounters with me.”

  Oh my God, it was like he could read my mind! I jumped to my feet.

  “I gotta go.” I marched off in the direction of the restroom where the line of students had started to thin out. I took one peek over my shoulder and saw that Jaren was standing near the curb, his eyes on me like radar.

  I blinked a few times and then I heard Naomi’s voice just outside the door. Thank God they hadn’t seen Jaren talking to me again. Val would have made my life a living hell for the rest of the trip. We headed back onto the bus to join the others. I pulled my hoodie over my face, stuck my earbuds in my ears and turned away from the aisle, feigning sleep so I wouldn’t have to see Jaren pass me to get to his seat. My tactic did not work, because I felt him, when he walked by. I got this jittery feeling in the pit of my stomach, followed by that familiar tingle, and then a light scent of sandalwood greeted my nose. I knew he was close, and then I heard Val’s predictable reaction as confirmation.