Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  “Is that a challenge?” he asked, raising an eyebrow and failing to make her smile.

  “This isn’t some mission, Noah—I’ll say it again; it’s real life. This is the lives of two little boys who depend on us for everything,” she hissed in a low voice.

  “You’re saying that what I do for a job isn’t real life?”

  “You guys exist in a bubble, forgetting about everything else and focusing on one thing only. You’re used to living on adrenaline. It’s about the excitement of the chase, living in the moment, until you’re debriefed and on to the next task.”

  He chuckled even though she was seriously starting to piss him off, not wanting her to see that she could rattle him. “Glad to know you’re such an expert on the life of a Navy SEAL.” He slung an arm over each of the boy’s shoulders. “You guys ready to go blow off some steam?” he asked, smiling at Bella and knowing he’d just pissed her off by taking charge.

  The boys nodded, and Noah waved the waitress over, wanting the bill. She was pretty, brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, and he tipped her and gave her a wink when she put the bill in front of him. “Thanks darlin’,” he said.

  Bella was clearly annoyed; the look she shot him when he spoke to the waitress was pure hatred, but he ignored her. He’d only done it to aggravate her, and it had worked—childish, but amusing nonetheless.

  “Let’s go.”

  They all rose, heading for the car. Once the boys were buckled in, he jumped behind the wheel, still weirded out that he was driving Gray’s SUV. If he was going to be hanging around, he had to get rid of his own pickup and buy a family wagon just so he didn’t have to use Gray’s. Although the kids might not like the change, especially since their mom’s SUV had been wrecked in the crash.

  He glanced up and hoped Gray could see them, that he was looking down and watching how hard Noah was trying to keep everything together. Because if there was one thing Gray knew about him, it was that he’d always vowed never to have his own family, never to have children. And look at me now.

  He stopped at a light and could finally focus on Bella, see the confused look on her face. “You know, I think we need to call a truce here,” he said, not wanting to strain things between them to the point that they were at war. “We’re both different, and we just need to find some common ground.”

  “Meaning I need to step back when I’ve been the one doing it alone?” she asked, shaking her head.

  “Let’s just agree to disagree sometimes. And maybe you could cut me some slack, given I’ve just arrived back.”

  She shrugged. “Sure. When you’ve been in the trenches here for a couple of months, I’m sure you’ll be begging me for help.”

  Noah chose to ignore that. “I think the whole point of this is that we both balance the kids in different ways. It’s why we’re both here together.”

  Bella was great with the kids. He’d seen her enough times with them over the years to know that, and she had always helped to look after them in the past. But he wasn’t just going to be bossed around like he was a husband under the thumb. He had things he could bring to the boys’ lives, too.

  He looked over at her in the seat beside him and stifled a chuckle. She’d be raging if she knew that he thought she looked incredibly cute right now. But even if he’d wanted to go there with Bella, he wouldn’t. He wasn’t looking for long term—never had been. All he wanted was a good time, great company, fun sex. He didn’t break hearts because he never let things go too far—always made it clear that he wasn’t looking for more. And Bella was the kind of girl to take home to your mom, the woman who was looking for a husband, 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence. Only Noah didn’t have a mom to take any girl home to, he sure as hell wasn’t going to get married, and . . . well, he’d just inherited the fence and the kids. Which meant he had a lot of stuff to wrap his head around.

  “We definitely need to work out some ground rules,” she said, looking out the window. “We need to figure out how we’re going to make this work and how we can both keep smiling and not have to pretend like we’re okay.” She paused. “We need to have that conversation instead of you just joking around and acting like it’s okay to wing it.”

  Noah hoped he hadn’t hurt her feelings, but all he’d said was the truth. “Okay,” he agreed, deciding to agree for the meantime, to avoid bickering.

  She opened her door when he pulled up to the curb, getting out and then leaning back in, eyes locked on his. “I know I’ve been snappy with you,” she said, “but it’s hard to have you come sweeping back into our lives when I’ve worked my butt off and given everything up to make things feel normal.”

  He nodded, opened his mouth to say something. He shouldn’t have just taken charge, but it was what he was used to doing. And he did think that having fun was more important than being serious with the kids right now.

  “I’m busting!” Cooper suddenly announced. “It’s coming now!”

  Noah leaped from the car and yanked the back door open, grabbing Cooper and positioning him against the wheel of the SUV, helping him pull his jeans down.

  “Not on the—” Bella protested.

  “Hey, look, it’s like a fountain!” Cooper exclaimed. “I’m like a dog piddling on the tire!”

  Noah took one look at Bella and burst out laughing, tears streaming down his cheeks. One thing about the boys—they sure were a reality check when he needed one. Although Bella didn’t look at all impressed by his impromptu decision to let the kid go against the vehicle.

  Bella walked down the stairs, exhausted. Her eyes were bleary from having to cuddle the boys in bed for so long, to get them to sleep; her jeans were still damp from the splashed water during bath time; and she was ready to drop. They’d been so excited about having Noah back, and the fact that he’d zoomed around the house chasing them after their bath hadn’t exactly helped.

  She paused, listening to the clink of glasses and wondering what Noah was doing. It was kind of nice to have someone else in the house, instead of having to leave the TV going just to have some noise. She hated putting the boys to bed upstairs and walking down to silence, listening out for every bump and bang. But as nice as it was not to be alone after dark, she wasn’t convinced about that someone else being Noah. Not after butting heads with him all day. And not when she was ready for her customary glass of wine and letter-reading session.

  She wiped at her eyes and walked down the rest of the stairs, wishing she didn’t think about her sister so often. Lila kept popping into her head the second she wasn’t doing something, which was why she’d kept herself so busy the past few months that now she was on the brink of exhaustion. There was so much she still needed to do, so much she’d ignored, like her business, but the boys had been all consuming. And so had dealing with a whole heap of loose ends.

  What she wanted was to pick up the phone and call Lila. Moan to her sister about how tired she was, which would invariably lead to a lecture about how people without children had no idea what tired actually was. Bella smiled. She couldn’t pull that one on her now, because she knew exactly how exhausting it was running around after two boys and never managing to get more than four hours’ sleep in a row. At least she had her best friend, Serena. Serena might not have children, but she was good at pouring herself a cocktail and listening to Bella when she needed a good moan. Bella grinned. For about ten minutes, anyway, before she told Bella to grit her teeth and get on with things, which was why Bella loved her so much.

  Bella pulled out her phone and wrote her a quick text.

  Noah is killing me. Why would she do this to me?

  She went to put the phone back in her pocket, but it buzzed. Bella smiled when she saw Serena had texted her straight back.

  Just admire his muscles. He must at least have that going for him?

  Bella chewed on the inside of her mouth to stop from laughing. He’s ruining everything. I haven’t spent the last two months trying to replicate Lila’s routine, for him to come her
e & cause chaos.

  Serena’s reply came straight back again. There’s nothing wrong with a little chaos. Chill & enjoy the fact you’re not in that big old house alone. xo

  You’re right. He’s driving me a little crazy, that’s all.

  Bella smiled at Serena’s response: Then use his babysitting skills & get out of the house! We could finally get a drink.

  You always have the best ideas, S. No wonder I love you so much.

  Serena replied again instantly: Hey, if I were you, I’d just be enjoying the eye candy.

  Bella chuckled. Yeah, I know you would!

  She thought more about the point Serena had made about Noah babysitting. She hadn’t really thought about that—the fact that having him around could actually free her up a little. And part of her liked the idea of throwing Noah in the deep end, leaving him alone with the kids to fend for himself.

  Bella left her phone on the hall stand as she passed and walked into the kitchen, a smile still playing across her lips at Serena’s words. She found Noah wiping down the counter. There wasn’t a dish in sight, and the light on the dishwasher told her it was already going. For the first time since she’d known him, he’d managed to pleasantly surprise her.

  “Someone’s sure trained you well,” she joked, crossing the kitchen and reaching up for a glass. She filled it with water and leaned back, wishing she had more energy, and then she might have taken Serena up on her suggestion of a drink out. “Or else this is a ruse to make me let my guard down before you surprise me with something hideous.” She should have text Serena earlier in the day—her friend was always good at putting her in a better mood and making her chill more.

  “They’re full on,” Noah said, completely ignoring her and putting the cloth he was using down. He turned to face her. “Playing with them for an afternoon is one thing, but . . .”

  Bella laughed, finishing his sentence for him. “Playing mom and dad ain’t easy. Which is exactly why I wanted them staying in routine and going to school instead of playing rookie with you.”

  “You can say that again.” Noah chuckled. “The not-easy part, I mean.”

  He blew out a breath and reached past her, his arm skimming hers. Bella stayed silent, didn’t move. She hated the way her body reacted to him, the way she looked at his muscled arms, was drawn to the size of his shoulders and the height of his frame, the chiseled lines of his face. There was no denying that he was a gorgeous man, but she didn’t need gorgeous, and she didn’t need a SEAL. They were the two things at the very top of her “not-for-me” list.

  “Can I tell you something,” she asked, deciding then and there that she had to trust him—where the kids were concerned, anyway.

  “’Course you can,” Noah replied.

  “Some days I don’t think I can do it. This whole being-a-mom thing, taking care of the kids and making sure they’re fine and running their lives, organizing everything . . .”

  “Bella,” Noah said, putting down his glass and shaking his head, “looking after the boys is overwhelming. It would be for anyone, and it sure as hell probably was for Lila at times.” He smiled, his head dipping down ever so slightly so he was looking directly at her face and into her eyes. “You want to scream or yell, just do it. Take a swig of whiskey, drown your sorrows in a bottle of wine. Whatever you need to do? Hell, I say just do it.”

  “It’s not that easy,” she muttered, sipping her water and wishing a few drinks were enough to help her.

  “Look, it doesn’t matter if they don’t make it to school or pre-K some days. It doesn’t matter if we all just hang out and shoot hoops or watch a DVD. We just need to get through each day as best we can and make sure the boys are happy.”

  She shook her head. “No, you’re wrong. That’s okay for the first few weeks, but they have to go to school; it’s important. They can’t miss out and—”

  “They’re four and six years old. School isn’t that important yet,” he disagreed, filling his glass and then turning back to stare at her. “I hate all this bullshit and pressure put on little kids. I mean, what the hell? Playing at home, climbing trees—that’s what’s important at this age. Not bullshit homework and all that crap.”

  “Noah, this isn’t the fifties,” she said angrily, wishing she hadn’t even brought up the whole topic of not coping. “And you can’t just talk over me in front of them and change the rules or go against my wishes.”

  His laugh annoyed her, made her want to storm out of the room like an angry toddler.

  “No, this is the real world, and we don’t always get our own way,” he said, leaning back against the counter and folding his arms across his chest. She doubted he ever changed his mind when he fixed on something; there was a glint in his eye that gave her the impression he never backed down. “This is a world where people we love get taken away from us too soon, where crazy kids take guns to school, and children all around the world are starving. All I’m saying is that it’s okay to put the boys’ happiness first and make our own set of rules for a while.”

  She stared out the window into the darkness, didn’t want to look at him for fear of bursting into tears. This wasn’t her. She wasn’t the one who cried when things didn’t go her way or had to bite her lip in romantic comedies to stop from weeping. But ever since the accident, she’d been an emotional wreck, and the worst thing about Noah was that as much as she wanted to hate him, he was right.

  “I just want what’s best for them,” she said, keeping her voice low so he wouldn’t hear the crack in her tone. “I want to do everything for them that Lila would have.”

  “So do I. Why is it you keep treating me like the enemy when I’m the one person in the world right now who knows what you’re going through? I miss Lila and Gray like crazy, like you do. And I know I haven’t been doing it as long, but I’m parenting the boys now, too. We’re on the same team, you and I, whether we want to be or not.”

  “So why is it so hard?” she asked. “Why does it seem so impossible to be teammates?”

  He laughed. “Because for the better part of eight years we’ve done everything we could to avoid each other.”

  “Because you’ve always been a douchebag,” she murmured.

  “And you’ve always been such a goddamn princess,” he fired straight back.

  “Princess?” Bella laughed. “Now that’s just mean.”

  Noah smiled, enjoying the lighter mood and the banter with her. “Oh hey, I forgot to say that I found a box when you were upstairs,” he added. “I thought it was something belonging to the boys; then I saw a letter from Lila on top.”

  Bella’s blood ran cold. She’d only had them out because she’d wanted to read one to the boys before bed. She hadn’t expected Noah to go snooping.

  “Noah, they’re private!” she said, rushing over to the box and taking off the lid to see which one was on top. Her heart dropped when she saw that the letter about Noah wasn’t there.

  “Don’t stress. Gotta say I had a chuckle,” Noah said.

  Trust him to find the only one that made mention of my sister’s stupid idea about us dating.

  “So she thought we should have dated?” Noah continued, holding up a piece of paper and smiling as he reread something.

  Bella stormed over and snatched it from him. “It’s not funny. They’re all I have left from her. You shouldn’t have been snooping around like that.”

  Noah’s smile faltered. “I was just trying to have some fun. I didn’t mean to upset you. I saw my name—that’s the only reason I looked.”

  Bella bit hard on her lip to stop from crying, placed the letter on top of the pile, and shut the lid.

  “I bet Lila would be having a laugh up there right now. At us,” Noah said tentatively.

  Bella took a deep breath. She could tell that he was genuinely sorry that he’d upset her. And she thought about it—Lila would have found the situation damn funny. Did she need to stop being morose, give herself a break, and lighten up every once in a while? Yes,
Noah’s judgment had been a little off but . . . suddenly it didn’t feel as bad as before. She went and poured herself a half glass of wine and settled down on the sofa.

  “So would you have ever gone out with me?” she asked, wishing the second she’d said the words that they hadn’t just come out of her mouth, even though she’d only said them trying to be funny. Only they hadn’t come out funny.

  “Honestly?”

  She grimaced. “Maybe not.”

  He sipped his wine, sat back, and grinned. “I thought you were super hot when I first met you. I mean, come on, what guy wouldn’t? But then I realized you were way too uptight for me.”

  “So you’re saying you would have shagged me, but you wouldn’t have dated me?”

  “Something like that,” he said with a laugh.

  “I should be offended, but strangely I’m not. Maybe it’s the wine.” She shrugged, channeling Serena and deciding to just chill and not get all worked up over what he was saying about her. He was probably half-right—she’d give him that. “So do you want to know if I would have dated you?” She would never admit it to him, but perhaps a hefty glass of Chardonnay was all she’d needed to feel a smidge better.

  He pulled a face. “No.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t have,” she told him anyway.

  “But you would have . . .”

  “No!” she said, before he could say anything further. “I don’t do one-night stands.”

  “How very upstanding of you.”

  His grin annoyed her. “There’s nothing wrong with having morals.”

  “Oh, I have morals,” he said. “I’m just selective about when I flaunt them.”

  “Yeah, like in front of my parents when you act like such an upstanding citizen that they can’t stop raving about you.”

  “What’s not to love?”

  “Ugh!” she threw one of the cushions at him, narrowly missing his head. “You are so infuriating, you know that?”

  “Says the pot to the kettle.”

  “The answer is no,” she said, refusing to look at him and staring into the dark red pool of her wine instead. “I don’t date military guys. I had way too many nights worrying about my dad, and then about Lila, to ever go there.”