Letters to Love

by Soraya Lane

  Noah breathed deep, in through his nose, wanting to go faster, to run from his memories. He always felt like this before deployment—excited and amped about what they’d be heading into, but haunted by things he’d seen, things that had happened to those he cared for in the past. Those thoughts never made him hesitate, didn’t change how determined he was to succeed on every mission. It just made him more mindful, more respectful of the situations they put themselves in and the lives that depended on him.

  Bella was breathing more heavily beside him, but she was the one setting the pace. They ran in silence and hardly saw anyone else, which suited Noah just fine. He liked reflecting when he exercised, taking the time to get his head in the game and get rid of anything that was holding him back. And the fact that the very person he was struggling with was running beside him was somehow making it easier than when he’d been trying to focus without her at base.

  After about twenty minutes Bella stopped, panting and with her hands on her hips as she slowed. “I’m going to die,” she rasped.

  “How long has it been since you ran?” Noah asked, stopping beside her and watching as she suffered, eventually dropping to the ground and lying like a starfish. Albeit a dead one.

  “Months. I think I’m gonna be sick.”

  Noah dropped and held out his hands to help her up. “Sit up and drop your head down. You’ll be fine in a few minutes.”

  She did as she was told, mumbling something he couldn’t decipher as she dropped her head.

  “Bella, this might not be the best time, but I don’t know when else will be.”

  Her head stayed down, shoulders still heaving. Noah sat down beside her, knees up and arms resting on them.

  “You’re going, aren’t you?” she asked, head slowly lifting until she was looking at him. “You’re waiting to tell me the bad news.”

  Noah nodded. “Yeah, I am. Going, I mean.”

  “By choice or because you’ve been deployed?”

  He reached for her hand, then changed his mind. “Deployment. I’d never leave the boys if I had a choice in the matter.”

  “So this is my life now, huh?” she asked, eyes wide as she glared at him. “I’m going to have to go home and tell the boys that Uncle Noah won’t be here this weekend, then pretend like everything’s okay while I wait days or weeks or months to hear from you, not knowing if you’re dead or alive.”

  Noah sighed. “Do we have to have this conversation again? It’s my job, Bella. It’s what I do. I can’t help that.” Actually, he could help it. He’d been offered the other, more senior position that would make sure he wasn’t in active combat anymore, but he just wasn’t sure if he could step back yet when he’d always craved the adrenaline of his job. What he’d chosen to do for a living defined him to a large extent.

  “You know what? Screw you, Noah. I know you could have taken a job here if you’d wanted to.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

  “I spoke to Dad, and he gave me this talk about how one day, when you’re ready, there would be a job waiting for you on land, in America. He told me how it works, then made me feel like shit for saying you owed it to the boys to do exactly that.”

  “I’ve already been offered the position—more than one of them in fact,” Noah said simply, not wanting to argue with her. Her dad had obviously been trying to make things better between them and undoubtedly wouldn’t have shared the specifics, but he now felt like he was between a rock and a hard place.

  “You what?” she whispered.

  “I was offered a position here, but it wasn’t for me. It would have kept me home, but when I started out as an officer, I had a career path mapped out, and it involved a hell of a lot more time out in the field.”

  “So you just said no?” she asked.

  Noah shrugged. “I didn’t say no lightly. But something else has come up, something I’ve been interviewed for a couple of times this week and only just been offered. I can’t talk about it with you, but I’m not saying no, not yet. I need time to think it through.” He sighed. “I want to be here for the boys, Bella, but I also don’t want to resent them for killing my career.”

  “It’s not them, it’s me,” Bella said, dropping her head down again. “I’m the one pushing you. I’d be the one you’d end up resenting.”

  “Not true,” he told her honestly. “You’re only pushing me because of the boys.”

  She laughed then, the noise strange given their low words and the silence echoing around them. “Noah, can’t you see? I don’t want you to go because, no matter what I said the other night, I still . . .”

  “What?” he asked, dreading her reply.

  “I fell for you,” she said, standing up, hands on her hips. “I know I wasn’t supposed to, I know you told me right from the start that you couldn’t commit to more, that you didn’t want more, but I did.”

  Fell for him? “Bella . . .”

  “Don’t ‘Bella’ me,” she said, chin thrust high, shoulders back like she was suddenly infused with a strength that she’d been missing before. “I’ll get over it. What other choice do I have?”

  “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “I know that,” she said quickly. “Just like I never meant to get too close to you, open myself up.” Her laugh was rough, husky. “I never even liked you, Noah, and somehow everything changed. Or maybe I changed. Hell, I don’t know.”

  She started to walk, or more like pace, and he followed, giving her some space, but not intending on letting her march off in a huff while he stayed put. He got what she was saying, because it was the same for him, and he had no idea how they were actually going to make everything work. Getting close, becoming friends and then stupidly something more, had ruined what could have been a balanced parenting act and was suddenly feeling like a bad breakup.

  Bella suddenly spun around, and he almost walked smack bang into her. Noah held out his hand to steady her, but she defiantly grabbed her arm back and planted it on her hip.

  “You know what I don’t understand?” she said, looking angrier than he’d ever seen her. “It’s that you’re so damn scared of losing someone, which I get—believe me, I get it. But you’re prepared to look after those boys and risk your heart there. To love them and be there for them, without hesitation.”

  He swallowed, carefully considered his words before saying anything. If ever there had been a right time it was now, the secret he’d held on to for seven years burning in his throat, needing to be shared. Only he’d taken an oath, promised that he’d never divulge the truth. Until he’d seen Lila’s letter, wondered if she was encouraging him to tell Bella or whether she was only hinting that he should share his past with her.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say, Bella,” he eventually said, too chickenshit to come out with it, to tell her what she deserved to know. So she could understand.

  “I just want to know if you’re being a jerk and pushing me away because you want to keep on playing the field or if you are genuinely so damn terrified of opening up to me, of being with any woman and opening yourself up to loss. Of letting me in so that we can be a real family.”

  When he didn’t say anything, stood there like a statue, staring at her, she threw her arms up in the air, hissed, and marched off again.

  “Bella, stop,” he called out.

  She didn’t, walking faster, then breaking into a run again. Noah groaned, shut his eyes, and doubled over, his head starting to pound.

  “I’m their father, goddamn it. I don’t have a fucking choice!”

  Relief hit him as the words spilled from his mouth, yelling them at Bella like an insult when all he’d really needed to do was get them off his chest—stop lying to her, keeping the truth from her.

  “What did you say?” she demanded, running back, moving faster than he’d ever seen her run before.

  He stood, stared her down as she ran toward him. Then she veered off the path, slipped somehow, her eyes transforming from wild
to scared as she fell. Noah sprinted over to her, arms around her even though she resisted, but she’d gone over sideways and connected with what looked like a sharp branch poking out from a large shrub.

  “Shit, are you okay?” he asked, helping her up and into a comfortable sitting position. Blood was flowing from her lower leg where a branch had made a solid jab into her skin.

  “You’re lying,” she accused, voice low, not even looking at her leg. “My sister would never have cheated on Gray, not in a million years. Not even with you.”

  Noah pulled his T-shirt over his head and folded it, checking Bella’s leg and then tying it tight. She resisted, but he was firm. “You can hate me all you like, but this is something I can deal with, so just let me.”

  He checked that the shirt was going to hold and sat back. Bella was grimacing as she flexed her leg, then stretched, putting it out in front of her.

  “I’ve been wanting to tell you all this time. I should have just come out with it from the start.”

  She frowned, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the pain or the fact that she was still angry with him. “I don’t believe you. Lila would never have—”

  “Gray never wanted anyone to know,” Noah started.

  “You’re telling me that Gray knew about this?” she interrupted.

  “Just hear me out,” he said, keeping his voice even, needing to stay calm about what he was sharing with her. “They’d been trying to get pregnant for a while, and things just weren’t happening. You remember how she looked into IVF?”

  Bella nodded. Barely, but he saw it.

  “It was so expensive, and then they found out that it was Gray’s problem. That he was shooting blanks, and it killed him that he wasn’t going to be able to give his wife the family they’d always talked about, always dreamed of.”

  “So let me get this straight,” Bella said. “They turned to you, and only you? She decided to tell you about her infertility problems instead of me?”

  Noah nodded. “I know it’s hard to digest, impossible to process after so many years of not knowing, but Gray swore Lila to secrecy, didn’t want anyone to know about his shit. He told me when we were drunk one night after both arriving home from deployment. When I offered to help out, we all agreed that it was best if no one knew, so there’d be no chance the boys would ever find out that Gray wasn’t their biological dad.”

  Bella was in shock. She was staring at him like he’d just told her he was a superhero. Then she laughed.

  “I don’t believe you. It’s just—”

  “Why else do you think they put me down as joint guardian? We both know that you’d be perfectly capable without me hanging around, but I’m biologically their father. When we did all the legal stuff, we all decided that the boys should never know. Hell, my true dad is Gray’s dad. He was the one who raised me, turned me into the man I am today. I might not have met him until I was a teenager, but he’s the one who deserves to be called ‘Dad,’ not the guy who made me biologically. Gray’s dad cared for me, taught me, put me through college. A real dad is the one who’s there for you, who raises you, so in my books we weren’t lying to anyone anyway.”

  She sucked in a breath. “You’re serious, aren’t you? You’re actually telling me the truth.”

  “It’s not something I’d joke about.”

  Bella went to stand up and he helped her, jumped up and guided her into standing.

  “I’m fine.”

  “No, you’re not.” He bent and scooped her up, cradling her in his arms and heading back in the direction they’d originally come from.

  She struggled for a moment, then gave in, head to his chest. After a few minutes she looped her arms around his neck.

  “I want to hate you so bad.”

  Noah chuckled. “And now you can’t because I helped your sister out when she needed it the most.”

  “At least I know why she always stood up for you, even when you were being a jerk.”

  “She treated me as family well before then. She loved me like a brother, and the feeling was reciprocated.”

  His chest was suddenly wet, and he realized they were Bella’s tears, falling against his skin and trailing down. She never made a noise, and he never said a thing.

  “Noah, I need to ask you . . .” She blew out a breath, and he could see that whatever it was, it was hard for her to say. “About changing your job. I need to know why you can’t even do this for the boys? If not me, then why not them?”

  He straightened his shoulders, said the words he’d told himself a thousand times over already. “It’s my duty, Bella. This is what I do. It’s what I have to do.”

  “This is just too hard for me. I can’t do this, Noah—not in a million years. I can’t keep,” she paused, eyes locked on his. “I can’t keep loving you. I will always honor Lila and Gray’s wish, but nothing can happen romantically between us ever again. When you get back, we’ll have to decide whether or not we can actually keep living under the same roof.”

  He didn’t know what to say, how to respond without hurting her feelings even more than he already had. He was doing what he was trained to do, what he’d always done, what he knew best. “I know,” he eventually replied.

  “So this is good-bye?” she asked when they finally reached the car.

  Noah dropped a kiss to her head. “Yeah. I guess it is.”

  “When will we see you again?”

  He didn’t let her go, held her tight, inhaled and smelled the sweet scent of her shampoo and perfume mixed together with her sweat, enjoyed the weight of her in his arms. If he could let go of the past, he’d give in—for Bella he would do it—but he couldn’t. There was no way he could deal with all the shit that had happened to him, let her close, like she deserved.

  “I can’t answer that, Bella,” he said. “It could be a couple of weeks, a month, maybe longer. And if you decide you’re better off without me around, then I’ll find my own place when I get back. I won’t ever walk away from those boys, but I’ll give you all the space you need.”

  She nodded, pressing a soft kiss to his chest before slipping from his arms. He had no idea why the sudden burst of affection, but he wasn’t about to push her away.

  “I’ll see you back home.” Her smile was sad. “Where we can just pretend like there’s nothing going on between us, like we’re so damn good at doing.”

  Noah wanted to help her, carry her or assist her to her vehicle, but she’d already turned, was proudly struggling on her own, shoulders back and head held high. He knew what he’d done, pushed away the one woman he should have held tight and never let go of. But life was a bitch, he knew that, and nothing was going to change about the lot he’d been dealt in life.

  Bella got in her car, sat there for a moment, then drove off. Noah watched her go, stayed dead still as her SUV disappeared into the distance. And only when she was gone did he curse so loud that he was certain all the birds had fled the area.

  “Fuck!” he yelled. “Fuck!”

  Silence engulfed him, left him hollow. His heart was beating fast, body reeling, hands desperate to make a fist and slam into something, anything. But he held it together, refused to ruin the hands that his brothers would be counting on when they were deployed. Instead, he dropped to his knees, stuffed a fist to his mouth to stop the desperate yell that was fighting to emerge, suppressing the sobs of anger. Of betrayal. Of pure, cold, soulless desperation.

  Noah choked then, had to let it out. Tears erupted and fell in a steady stream down his cheeks, his breath ragged as he tried to catch it, sobs raking his chest. He sat there, dropped to his knees, powerless to do anything. For the first time in his life, since he’d made the decision as a boy to never let anyone hurt or humiliate him, or take power from him again, he cried until he had nothing left.

  Nothing.

  He was a goddamn idiot, and the only person in the world he could blame was himself.

  Bella felt sick. Physically sick. She’d arrived home, struggled in
with Noah’s T-shirt wrapped around her leg, and gotten in the shower. She’d washed her hair, cleaned up her leg, and carefully bandaged it. It’d take a while to heal, but she had no intention of going to the doctor unless she needed to. And now she was standing in the living room, staring around a room that had started to feel like hers even though it wasn’t, and wondering what the hell she was going to do.

  She had her phone in her hand, had been about to call Serena, then changed her mind. Then she thought about calling her mom, but changed her mind about that, too. What was she going to tell her? That she was pissed with her dead sister for not telling her that her husband’s best friend was actually the father of her children? It was like a bad movie, one that she’d never have believed could have happened in real life. And yet it did.

  Instead, she sat down on the sofa and stared out the window. At the boys’ bikes, left forlorn in the yard, exactly where they’d leaped off them when something else had taken their attention. It was their home, a place she could never deny them, especially not when the mortgage had been paid with the life insurance policies from their parents. It was where so many of their memories were, memories that included their mom and dad. And if she was honest with herself, it was where she’d started to imagine Noah and her raising them together, long term. Somehow she’d gone from Ms. Cynical to Ms. Fairy Tale, believing that born from all the pain she was miraculously going to end up with her own happily ever after.

  Bella changed her mind and dialed her mom.

  “Hi, darling,” her mom answered.

  “Hey,” she managed, trying to sound fine, like her world wasn’t completely in free fall.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” she lied. “I just miss Lila. I wish she were here, so I could talk to her.”

  “Your father mentioned that Noah might be deployed again soon. Did he mention anything to you? Your dad thought things were heating up somewhere, that Noah was trying to hint to him that he was going to have to leave soon.”

  “Yeah,” Bella said, “he is.” She was trying so hard not to cry, but her voice was cracking.