Back to You

by Priscilla Glenn

  February 2012

  Lauren sat cross-legged on the floor, stringing multicolored beads onto a thread of yarn.

  “I found another sparkle one!” Erin declared proudly, holding up the tiny gold bead embedded with glitter.

  “Lucky girl,” Lauren smiled. “There aren’t that many in there.”

  Erin studied it closely before she held it out to Lauren. “Do you want it? Your necklace doesn’t have any sparkly ones.”

  “That’s okay, sweetheart. You keep it. I’m almost done.”

  “‘Kay,” Erin said, furrowing her brow in concentration as she attempted to get the tiny bead on her string.

  As Lauren secured the last bead on her own necklace, she glanced up at the clock and then quickly threw a look over her shoulder toward the vestibule.

  There was no way her luck would hold out much longer.

  It had been two weeks since Lauren asked Michael to leave her apartment, and in that time, she’d had no contact with him whatsoever. She hadn’t called or texted, which was well within her control, but she’d also managed to avoid him at Learn and Grow, something she figured would be virtually impossible.

  Most days now when Lauren’s shift ended, Erin would remain at the center playing with the late pick-up group. And she had started arriving in the mornings before Lauren, or else she would suddenly appear in the pre-K room out of nowhere on the days that Lauren happened to beat her there.

  Granted, Lauren avoided the vestibule at all costs, so maybe they would have run into each other by now if she hadn’t been taking such precautions to prevent it.

  Or maybe he was taking the same precautions she was.

  Lauren felt like she had exhausted all of her courage in the past two weeks. First, there had been the argument with Michael. Then, the morning after Michael left her apartment, she had called Jenn. Lauren apologized to her friend for the outburst and admitted that Jenn had been right about everything, and that it was incredibly stupid of her to even entertain the idea of rekindling anything with Michael. She ended the conversation by assuring Jenn she had a handle on whatever it was she was feeling and that nothing would come of it.

  Three days after that, she called Adam and told him she had some personal issues she needed to deal with, and because of that, she wasn’t in the right place to continue a relationship with him. He had been upset, but extremely understanding, which ironically only made it harder on her. Truth be told, a little piece of her wanted him to yell at her for leading him on for two months. She wanted him to tell her to go to hell. But instead he told her he still cared about her, and if she ever changed her mind, he would love to try again with her someday.

  It made her feel wretched.

  After that, she just didn’t have it in her for another confrontation with Michael. And even if she did, there was nothing left to say.

  “Is this long enough?” Erin asked, holding up her string of beads.

  “Perfect,” Lauren said. “Tie off the end like I showed you and then you can wear it.”

  Erin looked down as she worked her little fingers around the yarn, trying to make a knot. After a minute, she said, “I wanted to ask you to come over, but Daddy said I shouldn’t.”

  Lauren stilled for a second before she gently cleared her throat. “That’s sweet of you Erin, and I would love to, but I’ve been very busy lately.”

  “That’s what Daddy said.” She finished her knot as she sighed. “Maybe one day.”

  Her normally bubbly voice sounded completely deflated.

  “Hey,” Lauren said, forcing a smile as she ran her hand over Erin’s hair. “I still see you everyday.”

  “But you don’t see Daddy.”

  Lauren’s smile fell, and she turned toward the supply basket, trying to hide her expression.

  What could she possibly say to that?

  She took a small breath before she grabbed the scissors and turned back to Erin, cutting the excess yarn from her necklace.

  “Are you mad at Daddy?”

  Lauren lifted her eyes to see Erin looking at her intently.

  Like she already knew the answer.

  Even at four, she was too smart to be lied to. “I’m not mad. I’m…” She took a breath. “I don’t know what I am.” Lauren fastened the beads around Erin’s neck. “But it’s nothing you need to be sad about,” she added with a reassuring smile.

  When she had finished securing the necklace, Lauren sat back, watching as Erin looked down at her creation and rolled it between her thumb and forefinger. “Daddy never gets mad at me, you know.”

  “Oh no?” Lauren asked, beginning to scoop the unused beads into a pile.

  “Nope. He only gets disappointed.”

  Lauren smiled softly as she took the lid off the bead canister.

  “So are you disappointed then?” Erin asked.

  Lauren sighed. “Yeah, I guess I’m disappointed. Hey, you wanna have a race?” she asked, trying to change the subject. “Let’s see who can clean up the most beads.”

  Erin leaned over and scooped up a heap with both hands. “Daddy said even when he’s disappointed in me, he never stops loving me.”

  Lauren forced another smile. “That’s true, sweetheart. Your daddy will always love you, no matter what.”

  “Well then do you still love Daddy?”

  Lauren whipped her head up. “What?” she choked.

  Completely oblivious, Erin dumped two fistfuls of beads into the container. “Even though you’re disappointed. You didn’t forget to still love him, did you?”

  Lauren was completely frozen as she stared at her.

  “You’re losing,” Erin sing-songed as she dumped another handful of beads into the container.

  She had to swallow twice before responding. “That’s because you’re such a good cleaner,” she said weakly. She attempted to scoop up a handful of beads, but she realized her hands were trembling.

  “Keep cleaning, sweetheart,” she murmured, dropping her meager fistful into the container as she stood from her place on the floor.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Just…to the bathroom,” Lauren managed as she turned and exited as quickly as she could without drawing attention to herself.

  As soon as she was inside, she shut the door, falling back against it as she reached behind her body to turn the lock. And when her chin started to tremble, she rushed forward and turned on the faucet, gathering the cold water in her hands and splashing it on her face.

  She gripped the sides of the sink and lifted her head, staring at her own reflection.

  Almost instantly, her eyes welled with tears.

  Lauren had always wished Michael could learn how to let go of his past, to absolve himself of everything he’d taken the blame for.

  But how could he ever forgive himself for this if she wouldn’t forgive him?

  It was true he had absolutely crushed her all those years ago. But she knew now it wasn’t a selfish move on his part. It had actually been selfless. He had done what he thought was in her best interest. He was young, and he was wrong, and it was a huge mistake. But he owned that. So how could she keep condemning him?

  Lauren may have been disappointed by his actions, but that didn’t change the fact that she loved him.

  It had taken a four-year-old to make her see that.

  She stared at her reflection as a breathy laugh fell from her lips.

  And then she turned off the faucet and bolted out of the bathroom.

  Lauren rushed past the chaos in the pre-K room and out to the vestibule, rummaging in the front desk until she found her cell phone, and before she had even made it outside, she had already dialed the number.

  She paced in front of the day care center, her heart rate increasing with each subsequent ring.

  Then she was directed to his voice mail.

  She hung up, staring down at the phone for a second before she hit the button to redial his number.

  When she was redirected to his voice mail
again, this time she took a breath and waited for the beep.

  “Michael,” she said. “It’s me.”

  She paused, realizing she hadn’t thought through what she was going to say.

  “I need you to call me,” she finally managed, adding quickly, “Erin is fine. I just…I really need to talk to you.”

  She stood there for a second before she closed her eyes and exhaled, hitting the button to end the call.

  The ball is in his court now, she told herself as she walked back into the building. It’s out of your hands.

  And while that should have provided her with some level of relief, it only made her more anxious.

  Lauren went back inside and helped the children clean up, and then she stood in the vestibule for the first time in two weeks to help with dismissal.

  In a matter of fifteen minutes, all the regular students had been picked up, but Erin remained once again.

  Lauren lingered for as long as she could, finding a shelf to straighten here, a toy to put away there, hoping he would show up before she had to leave for class.

  “What are you still doing here?” Deb asked as she walked past Lauren to the file cabinet. “Delia has the late pick-ups tonight.”

  “Oh, I know…I was just,” she looked around. “I couldn’t find my phone. But I got it now.” She held it up with a tiny smile as she walked toward the exit. “See you tomorrow.”

  “Good night,” Deb called cheerily as she rooted through one of the filing drawers.

  Thirty minutes later, Lauren was sitting in a lecture hall staring through the professor in the front of the room. She realized within the first five minutes of class that attending had been a pointless endeavor. She couldn’t focus on a single word of the lecture.

  She had her phone on the desk, set to silent, and every minute or so she would glance down at the display, even though she hadn’t felt it vibrate.

  She spent the entire class running through different scenarios in her mind. What would happen if he called and he was angry. What would happen if he called and he was reluctant. What would happen if he called and was just as anxious to put this behind them as she was.

  She planned what she would say in each situation, rehearsing it in her mind, until suddenly the professor was dismissing them.

  By the time Lauren was pulling onto her street, a feeling of despondency was beginning to overshadow her anxiety.

  It was almost seven o’clock. Erin had already been picked up. He would have seen her missed call by now. He should have already listened to her message.

  As Lauren walked into her apartment, she realized there was one scenario she hadn’t accounted for.

  What would happen if he didn’t call her back at all?

  She had been so concerned with making sure she’d say everything right when the time came that she hadn’t even thought about the possibility that she might not get the chance.

  Lauren walked into her apartment, stripping off her jacket and throwing it over a chair before she sank down onto the couch, staring at the screen of her cell phone.

  After five minutes of silence, she tossed the phone to the other side of the couch and stood up.

  She couldn’t keep torturing herself all night. Either he was going to call her, or he wasn’t, but staring at the phone for hours wasn’t going to change anything.

  She was going to make herself dinner. Then she was going to take a bubble bath, something she hadn’t done in years. And maybe after that, she’d finally start watching some of the shows that had been sitting in her DVR for weeks.

  But first, she needed to e-mail one of her classmates and ask for a copy of the notes from tonight’s class.

  Lauren powered up her laptop, signed into her professor’s website, and found the list of students from her class. She scrolled down, clicking on the e-mail address of one of the girls she sat next to and asked for a copy of the notes she’d missed.

  Then she closed out and clicked on her inbox, deleting a few spam messages and reading a hilarious forward from Jenn. Just as she was about to log out, her eye landed on the e-mail from Michael, the one he’d sent a few weeks ago on Erin’s birthday.

  Lauren bit her bottom lip, slowly running her finger over the track pad, and she clicked on it, rereading the words that had originally sent her into a panic.

  But tonight, they made her ache.

  She scrolled down to the bottom of the message and clicked on the song attachment she had refused to open that night.

  The first chord broke through the silence of her apartment, giving her goose bumps.

  When you try your best, but you don’t succeed

  When you get what you want, but not what you need

  When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep

  Stuck in reverse.

  And the tears come streaming down your face

  When you lose something you can’t replace

  When you love someone but it goes to waste,

  Could it be worse?

  Lauren closed her eyes and pressed her lips together, trying to stop them from trembling.

  And high up above or down below

  When you’re too in love to let it go

  But if you never try, you’ll never know

  Just what you’re worth.

  Lights will guide you home

  And ignite your bones

  And I will try to fix you.

  The sob that ripped through her throat momentarily drowned out the music, and she covered her face with her hands, trying to catch her breath. But the more she gasped, the faster the tears came until she was only hearing bits and pieces of the song intermingled with her stifled sobs.

  …when you lose something you cannot replace…

  …I promise you I will learn from my mistakes…

  …Lights will guide you home…

  and I will try to fix you.

  With the music still playing, Lauren leapt from the chair and scrambled out of her room, grabbing her keys from the entryway table on her way out the door.

  And then she was running down the walkway.

  She hadn’t even thought to grab a jacket; the freezing February air bit at her skin, and a cold drizzle had dampened her hair by the time she got to her car.

  Swiping at the tears that wouldn’t stop, Lauren sped down the road that would take her to him. They had wasted almost nine years, and she refused to waste any more time. She had to apologize. To tell him she finally understood.

  She needed to tell him she had forgiven him.

  By the time she had gotten to Michael’s apartment, it was pouring. Lauren jumped out of the car and ran up to his front door, ducking her head against the freezing, needle-like rain that was stinging her skin.

  She rang the doorbell before wrapping her arms around herself; the cold air was becoming unbearable as her clothes quickly became soaked through.

  “Michael?” she called, knocking on the door.

  When a few seconds passed and he hadn’t answered, she knocked again, a little harder this time. “Michael?”

  “Hello?”

  Lauren whipped her head in the direction the voice came from, squinting against the downpour. The door of the apartment next to Michael’s was open, and a small elderly woman was standing in the entryway, silhouetted with light from inside.

  “Are you okay, dear?” she asked, pulling a knit cardigan a little tighter around herself.

  Lauren opened her mouth to respond just as a little voice cut through the darkness.

  “Miss Lauren! You came over!”

  From behind the old woman, a tiny head popped out, completely throwing Lauren off guard.

  But then it clicked. Michael’s neighbor. The girls’ nights.

  Lauren waved sheepishly at Erin, swiping at the strands of hair that were plastered to her face.

  “Are you looking for Michael?” the old woman asked.

  Lauren nodded. “I didn’t mean to disturb you, I just—”

  “We’re playing G
o Fish! Wanna come play?” Erin called from the doorway.

  The old woman smiled and placed her hand on the top of Erin’s head. “He’s out, honey. Why don’t you come in and dry off while you wait for him?”

  The icy rain spilled over her cheeks and down the sides of her neck as she stood there, taking in Erin’s tiny, hopeful expression and the look of sympathy the old woman was giving her.

  And suddenly her answer was clear.

  “No, no thank you,” she said softly, hoping the woman could hear her over the din of the downpour. She forced a smile and waved a good-bye to Erin as she turned and quickly made her way back to her car.

  Lauren started it up, clenching her jaw against the violent chattering of her teeth as well as the emotion she felt swelling up in her throat.

  Michael had left work, picked up Erin, come home, dropped her off with the neighbor, and gone out. And she knew there was no way he hadn’t checked his voice mail somewhere in there.

  He obviously didn’t want to talk to her. And there was no way she could bring herself to be waiting for him in his neighbor’s house, sopping wet and pathetic, knowing that was the case.

  If he was angry now, Lauren thought as she drove mindlessly down the rain-soaked roads, she deserved it. After all, he had apologized, had owned fault, had essentially poured his heart out to her, only to be coldly turned away and ignored for the past two weeks.

  By the time she pulled into her parking space, her tears had stopped, although she could distinctly feel the sting they left behind. Lauren exited the car and ducked her head against the unrelenting rain, watching as her feet spattered the puddles up over her shoes. She was completely soaked, but she couldn’t feel the cold anymore.

  “Hey.”

  Lauren whipped her head up as she sucked in a startled breath, coming to an immediate halt when she saw him. She blinked quickly against the raindrops that were assaulting her vision, but she knew she was seeing clearly.

  He had his hood up, his head slightly ducked against the rain as he looked up at her. She watched his eyes drop to take in her appearance before making their way back to her face, and she realized how ridiculous she must have looked, drenched from head to toe with swollen bloodshot eyes and mascara running down her face.