by Julia North
I shrug. ‘We’re understaffed.’
Aunty Yvonne nods. She puts her fat arms around me again and gives me a fierce hug. I try to chase away my pricking tears with memories of those golden fields of mealies and the wide desert spaces of her farm. She’s right. The Karoo is so healing. I’d love to breathe in its hot earth again, watch the dancing dust devils, and walk around in sun-drenched sandals. It would be so good to be far away from all this pain. Maybe I’ll go when my leave falls due?
They wave goodbye the next day with Aunty Yvonne strong and capable behind the wheel of her four-wheel drive.
‘It’ll be good for Mom. I’m glad she’s agreed to go,’ says Elsa.
‘Yes, it will,’ says Nat. She turns to me with earnest eyes. ‘You sure you’ll be okay on your own? Don’t you want to come stay?’
I shrug. ‘No, I’ll be fine.’
Her blue eyes narrow. ‘I’d rather you …’
A knot of irritation lodges in my chest. ‘It’s okay.’ The words spit out. Nat flinches and draws back.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispers, ‘I’m so sorry you were there.’
‘I’m not,’ I snap back. ‘I’ll never get him back, but at least I was with him to the end.’
Nat’s eyes cloud over. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper. ‘I know you miss him too.’
‘You’ll need to see someone,’ says Elsa in a measured tone. ‘The trauma won’t go away on its own.’
I bite back the urge to swear at her. ‘I know that … I just don’t want to talk about it yet.’
Elsa clears her throat. ‘Liss, you’ve been drinking too much for a long time … this is just going to make it worse.’
‘Please go,’ I snap. ‘I’ll be okay. I just want to be on my own. I’m sure Greg is waiting for you at home.’
The air in the room grows hot. I can read their thoughts. I know they’re judging me.
Elsa picks up her handbag. ‘I’ll phone later. If need be I’ll come stay. Greg will be fine on his own.’
‘Me too,’ says Nat. ‘Dave won’t mind.’
I turn back to look at my sisters: Nat hunched and tear-stained and Elsa, stiff, erect, jaw clenched and feet apart. Part of me wants to run into their arms and cry out our communal pain, but the other part can’t. They don’t understand. They weren’t there. It’s not the same for them. I shake my head and try to give them a half-smile. ‘I promise. I’ll be fine. Thank you anyway. I appreciate the offer.’
Nat comes over and gives me a hug, followed by Elsa.
I wait until the security gate clicks closed and sink with weak legs onto the carpet. My tears break free. The sobs wrack through my body and rise in intensity until they merge into one long wail of pain. I let it out until my body’s as empty and light as my spilled wine glass.
Later, as the sun falls fast behind the horizon and darkness cloaks the world, panic covers me. Maybe I was stupid. I should’ve let them stay. I walk my eyes around the darkening lounge. I don’t know if I can be alone in this house of shadows. I snap on the light as Dad’s blown-open skull fills my mind. I mustn’t think about it … I mustn’t. I pace into the kitchen and yank open the fridge. I stab in the corkscrew and pull out the cork from a half-drunk bottle of Chardonnay. It pops through the silence of the house. Why is it so eerily quiet in here all of a sudden?
I pace back into the lounge and switch on the television. The A-team blares out. I take a slug of my wine and pull down the sides of my mouth as I watch Mr T aim his gold-ringed knuckles at some baddies’ faces. If only it were that easy. I stare unseeing at the screen until the bottle’s finished and then go back to the kitchen for a fresh one. I feel better now. My whole body’s deliciously warm and my mind’s growing numb. I settle on the couch and take a large slurp. This is class wine; fruity, cool and sweet. Aunty Yvonne has good taste, expensive taste. Good for her. She really is my favourite aunt. The knot in my chest has unravelled. My breathing is deep and slow. Thank God. At last I’m safe.
Chapter 13
‘Agh, Lissa, that is too terrible. No wonder you drank.’ Karlos is sitting up next to me, his eyes still narrowed with the same intense concern they’d shown the whole time I poured out my pain. I squeeze back the tears. My chest feels like I’ve been stabbed. I’ve never spoken to anyone fully about Dad’s murder, not even Nat or Elsa, and yet with Karlos it felt so natural to just let it all come out. A deep sigh shudders through me. Karlos moves closer, puts his arm around my huddled frame.
‘Sometimes you just need time to pass … you’re lucky they didn’t shoot you too.’
I give an ironic laugh. ‘I guess it wasn’t my time.’
Karlos’ arm tightens around me and we sit in silence for few minutes. I push my fingers through the short green blades of grass and breathe in their fresh lawn fragrance. The blades tickle softly against my flesh and the dappled sun is warm on my bare head. I close my eyes and let it wash over me. My head is light and my whole body has become weightless. When people say a burden is lifted off your shoulders, it’s true. The loss of heaviness which has held me down is tangible. I guess I’ve carried the burden of Dad’s loss so deep inside for the last five years, deeper and more hidden than I ever thought, and now it’s as if a big, heavy black lid has been yanked away. Karlos is still holding me tight. It’s so long since I’ve felt a man hold me like this, a gesture of pure care and concern with nothing sexual. My cheeks warm. I can’t believe I’ve told him all this when we hardly even know each other, and yet it felt so right. I guess when you meet someone you really click with, time is irrelevant. Bonds come from a spiritual connection not a material one.
I draw in a long, slow breath and feel it ease through my veins. I open my eyes and look sideways at Karlos. He’s chewing on a blade of grass and staring out into the distance. I glance back up at the house. I’m sure Hattie is spying on us and no doubt sniggering with Wolf, but who cares?
Karlos looks down at me. ‘It’s bad when the man goes.’ He clears his throat. ‘Was your mom okay?’
I shrug. ‘Not emotionally. She kept the Lieberstein wine factory in business.’
‘Agh, no …’ says Karlos. He gives a laugh. ‘But at least you weren’t left poor.’ He pauses. ‘That happened to my ma. Her father … he was also murdered.’
‘Was he? I’m sorry.’
‘Agh, it’s okay. I never knew him. Some blacks came on the farm and murdered him.’ Karlos falls silent. ‘They lost the farm … everything. Ay, my Ma said it was hard. They had to even beg for food.’ He pats my thigh. ‘But I’m glad that didn’t happen to you. Your Dad left you guys alright?’
I nod and give a sad smile. ‘Something to be grateful for, I guess.’
‘Ja, it helps. He sounds like a good man.’ Karlos looks up at the window of the house. ‘Shit, Helen’s just come in the lounge,’ he whispers, drawing his arm away from me. He grunts and gets to his feet. ‘We’d better go.’
I grimace. ‘We’re probably going to be told off.’
‘Agh, so what,’ says Karlos, giving me a wink.
I smile and brush the flecks of grass from my jeans. We exchange a brief conspiratorial look as we make our way back to the lounge. Helen narrows her eyes and gives us a fixed smile as we enter while Hattie smirks. I keep my back straight with my head held high, return Helen’s smile and ignore Hattie. I know this thing with Karlos is all happening a bit too fast, but at the same time, what the hell. It’s not every day you meet a kindred spirit and at least it’ll make this time in Shaloma palatable, and who knows, maybe even fun?
‘You two have a good time?’ Hattie’s rasping voice drips with sarcasm. She lights up a smoke and holds out the pack to Wolf. He helps himself and lights up. They move over to the bar and stand smirking at us through a pall of grey smoke.
I ignore them and pour two glasses of water. I hand one to Karlos.
‘Alison was looking for you,’ says Wolf, still smirking.
‘What for?’ Karlos snaps.
‘Aren’t yo
u friends?’ sneers Hattie.
The door opens. Alison stands framed in the doorway. Her head jerks back when she sees us. A mottled pink rash spreads across her neck and upper chest.
Hattie smirks. ‘He was outside with Melissa.’
Alison’s mouth twitches and her eyes dart from Karlos to me and back to Karlos. Her hands ball into fists and she turns abruptly, leaving the door slamming behind her.
‘Agh, shame,’ says Hattie. ‘I think she’s upset.’
‘Ja, you broke her heart,’ says Wolf.
‘Fuck off,’ says Karlos. He scrunches up his face and leans towards Hattie. ‘Stop stirring. She’s just a girl.’
‘Ja, and she thought you fancied her.’ Hattie looks at me as she spits out the words.
My chest tightens. What a bitch she is, but I’m not going to give her any satisfaction if she thinks she can get to me.
Helen looks down at her watch with a grim face. ‘I think you all know the rule on relationships. It’s time for exercise class. Why don’t you go and change?’
Karlos pulls a face while Hattie and Wolf remain lolling against the bar and smirking.
‘Good idea,’ I say. I smile at Karlos and strut past Hattie and Wolf with my head held high. I smirk as I sense her burning eyes following me. Wait till she sees me in my gym gear.
Chapter 14
The next five weeks pass as quickly as a fast-setting African sun. Despite my cynicism, the daily session and recitation of the Twelve Steps has helped. I don’t even mind the group therapy any more. I haven’t aired all my dirty linen, but why should I? I’ve told Karlos everything and he understands without judgement, and that’s the only group therapy I need.
An autumn shower has left the air heavy with humidity. I uncross my legs and get up off the bed to push the window open to its widest. I lean my head against the burglar guards and draw in a deep breath. The air is thick with the scent of honeysuckle and the lawn has taken on a beautiful, bright post-rain green. I roll my gaze across it towards the hedge of purple hydrangeas rising proudly in the distance and giggle like a schoolgirl at the memory of the kiss Karlos and I shared behind them yesterday evening. He suggested a different place every evening for our goodnight kiss to stop Hattie and Wolf from surprising us with their spying. I smile to myself. We’re one step ahead of them every time and I’m enjoying the game. I draw in another deep breath of honeysuckle air and briefly close my eyes. All the angst and self-doubt which has haunted my mind for so long has dissipated. At last I like who I am, in fact I even have a glimmer of pride. I guess Merry Melissa has defeated the Miserable one. I’m sleeping well, probably from all the art therapy and exercise, but best of all the craving for alcohol has gone. I haven’t thought about a drink for at least a month. In fact just the thought of a glass of Chardonnay or Johnny Walker makes me feel queasy. I don’t need it any more. I don’t want to ever feel out of control like that again. I really don’t.
I look down at my watch. It’s nearly time for the late afternoon session. I wonder if Karlos will be in the lounge? Ever since I shared that terrible time of losing Dad we’ve experienced a new kind of closeness. I’ve never felt so at ease with a man. I smile as I relive our daily conspiratorial glances and little touches, as well as our stolen kisses. At least tomorrow we’ll be free to show our love to the world and no-one will be able to say anything against it. We just need to arrange where to meet. A tiny drop of fear trickles through me. Dr Brink’s agreed I’m okay to go; I just hope he’ll do the same for Karlos. I shake the fear away like an unwelcome fly. Of course he will. Why wouldn’t he?
I touch up my make-up before heading out at a fast pace to the lounge. I push open the door and click my tongue. Hattie’s sitting on a chair near the bar nursing a glass of Coke with Alison as the only other occupant. Surprisingly she’s sitting hunched in a chair near the bar instead of being hidden in her usual corner. The air is thick with stale smoke. Hattie stares at me through the haze with stony eyes. I blink away from her and head for the bay window and settle in the armchair facing away from her and Alison. I grimace as I feel her eyes burning into the back of my head. At least I’ve only got one more day of putting up with that pink monstrosity and the revolting Wolf.
The door creaks and I turn to see Karlos. He strides straight towards me and squats down by the side of my armchair. ‘It’s okay,’ he says, breaking out into a big grin. ‘I’m leaving tomorrow too.’
‘Great,’ I whisper, ‘ I was hoping it would be okay.’
Karlos nods. ‘Ja, it was just a formality really. He can see I’m good now.’ He moves his head a little closer to mine and whispers, ‘Thanks to you.’
‘I’m sure you would’ve made progress anyway,’ I whisper back, but my stomach warms with his praise.
He smiles and gives his head a shake. ‘I don’t think so …’
The scrape of a bar stool breaks through the air and we both look over at Hattie as she gets up and stubs out her cigarette.
‘Meet me outside after the session so we can arrange what to do when we’re out. Nic and Wolf are also being discharged tomorrow, Hattie too. I don’t want them around with us. I need to see you alone,’ whispers Karlos quickly as Hattie flicks back her exploding pink hair and heads in our direction. She throws us a knowing look as she saunters past.
I wait until she’s out the door before asking, ‘Of course. Where?’
‘By the Milkwood tree,’ says Karlos, giving my hand a squeeze.
Leather squeaks as Alison squirms in her armchair and draws her knees up to her chest, hugging them with thin arms. She rests her chin on her upturned knees and peers from Karlos to me with narrow eyes. Karlos and I raise our eyebrows at each other. ‘She’s a strange one,’ I whisper, ‘but I feel sorry for her. I guess she’s staying for a third round of treatment.’
‘Ja, probably George, too,’ says Karlos, giving Alison an irritated glance. ‘I’m sick of her staring at us …’
‘Me too, but I think it’s because she fancies you …’
‘Agh, she just irritates me.’
‘I can see that.’
The door opens and Karlos quickly straightens and steps away from me. Helen stands framed in the doorway.
‘You okay you two? I think Dr Brink’s waiting …’
‘Just going, Helen,’ says Karlos, moving towards the door.
‘This is your last afternoon session, make the most of it,’ she says as he saunters past. Helen looks at me with set eyes while I move in silence for the door, trying to avoid her gaze. It’s obvious she suspects something, but who cares. They can stick their ‘no relationship rule’ and all the other ones that go with it tomorrow. One more session then … freedom. These last six weeks have certainly been quite a ride.
***
‘These are hand-outs which will help you keep on the sober track. The first danger sign is a dip in confidence. If you don’t nip that, it will trigger the pattern of denial, followed by over-confidence in your sobriety and judging of others. It’s vital you keep up regular visits to us,’ says Dr Brink as we sit dutifully in our circle around him.
I stare down at the thirty-seven points. Thirty-six is controlled drinking which leads to uncontrolled drinking because for us alcoholics, of course, there’s no such thing. I grimace. So much for my freedom. It really is a lifelong sentence.
‘This is depressing,’ I whisper to Karlos.
‘Ja, but at least we’re in it together. We’ll keep each other strong.’
I smile. A delicious warmth spreads through my body. He’s right. At least we understand each other: we’ve both been in the pit of shame; we don’t need to feel frightened as long as we’re together.
‘Ultimately, it’s up to you.’ Dr Brink looks at each of us in turn. ‘It’s your journey and your choice. You’ve all learned where the path of substance abuse leads to. For your own sakes, every day, every minute if you have to, you must urge yourself to stay sober if you want a future.’
The room falls
silent. Hattie’s pink head is downcast, her knuckles white around the hand-out. For the first time I feel pity for her. Alcohol’s a hard thing to beat, but heroin must be hell. Alison has made the session but remains still and silent in her chair; her face moth-white. Poor girl, I wonder if she’ll ever be ready to leave? She glares at me constantly, but I don’t take offence. Nic’s jaw is clenched while Wolf’s brow is pulled together in an angry frown. I guess none of us wants to hear this eternal truth.
‘Lean on your Higher Power; don’t try and do it on your own strength.’ Dr Brink’s voice is soft with compassion. ‘This is a chart which will show you how you can start building up a problem again if you’re not careful. It outlines danger signs to look out for. Put it on your fridge, your cupboard, anywhere you’ll see it often, so you don’t forget.’
I swallow. Oh the joys! No doubt the craving demon is going to be back to attack me. This is going to be a long, hard road.
Wolf throws his head back and lets out a dry laugh. ‘At least this is better than that Addington rehab. They treated me for Valium addiction and then gave me a fooking Valium prescription when I left. That stuff is bad … it drove me mal.’
‘Mad fuckers,’ says Nic.
Dr Brink lifts his eyebrows but says nothing.
‘Ja, it’s like them giving you Methadone to get off the fucking H-man. It’s doesn’t help. You’re still an addict; can’t they see that?’ She pulls back her top lip like a snarling pit-bull. ‘There’s only one way – and that’s to stay the fuck away. It’s the same with the booze, man.’
Dr Brink nods. ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is and that’s why you do need to keep an eye on your chart. Now, I want you to fill in this questionnaire. It’s got some scenarios you might encounter on the outside and how to combat them. Once you’ve filled them in you can go. Keep them with you so you can read through them anytime you feel the temptation’s getting too much.’ He pauses and looks at us with eyes filled with kindness.
‘Well, Hattie at last you’re ready for discharge and you too, Karlos. Well done both of you for staying the course twice. I think it was a wise decision.’