by Julia North
Hattie smirks with the praise, while Karlos gives a small nod of appreciation.
‘Ja, I’ve told the H-man to fuck off at last.’ Hattie lets out a crude laugh and winks at Wolf.
‘Ja, well done you,’ says Wolf, putting his rancid arm around her.
‘Yes, Hattie, but the test is now to keep him away, and the best way for that is to make sure you attend the weekly classes.’ He surveys the rest of us with a serious expression. ‘That applies to all of you. I’m very proud of each one of you and it’s just going to be an au revoir from me rather than a goodbye. I’ll look forward to seeing you all every Tuesday evening 7.30 pm sharp.’ He smiles and turns to George and Alison. ‘Don’t worry you two, I’m sure before you know it you’ll also be ready to leave. We’ve got some new patients arriving later, but I think we’ll keep you two together on a separate course so that you can both get more intensive treatment.’
Alison stares at him, but George shuffles his feet quickly and mumbles, ‘Thank you.’
Dr Brink walks over to George and bends down. ‘Have you had your Trithapon this morning?’ he whispers. ‘You look a little agitated.’ George nods and his cheeks turn pink.
I read through the questionnaire and can’t help scowling. It makes us sound like outsiders, as if the world out there is so different from us. People out there drink just as much – they’ve just been lucky enough not to lose control, that’s all.
I fill it in quickly with my head full of Karlos, rather than the questions, and tuck it into my pocket before standing up and giving Dr Brink a smile. ‘Thank you, Dr Brink, I appreciate all your help.’
‘My pleasure. I’m thrilled with how much progress you’ve made, Melissa. I’m sure you’ll cope well as long as you keep to the weekly classes.’
I suppress my irritation at the continual reminder. ‘Of course,’ I mutter. ‘I think I’ll just go sit in the garden for a bit before supper.’
‘Good idea,’ says Dr Brink. ‘It’s a lovely evening.’
Karlos glances up as I walk past. ‘See you just now,’ he whispers, scribbling away at the paper without even looking at it. I nod conspiratorially.
I slip off my sandals as soon as I reach the garden to let the grass creep up deliciously between my toes. I smile as it tickles and head for the shade to lie back on the soft, warm grass. I close my eyes while the last bit of sun dances with the clouds, sending a pattern of light, dark, light, dark, light again across my closed eyelids – like my life. As I take in a deep breath the air passes easily into my belly, not like before when the only way I could breathe was in short, shallow pants which left me in a state of perpetual tension.
My body’s alive with sexual craving as I wait for Karlos. I can’t stop thinking about him, dreaming about him, wanting to rip his clothes off. I bet he’s really good in bed, takes control, knows just how to please, unlike Mike who was always more concerned with pleasing himself and showing off his pathetic phallic trophy, which was nothing to write home about. What a relief to have met someone decent at long last, someone who really likes me for me, who’s looked into the shame of my soul and still wanted me because he’d also been there, done it, bought the million T-shirts. That’s where Helen and Dr Brink are wrong. You do need someone who’s also hit rock-bottom; no-one else can understand. I breathe in the memory of Karlos’ musty scent strong in my nose.
The scent grows stronger. My eyes flick open. Karlos eases down next to me and bends his head. ‘Liss, I’m not going to play games,’ he whispers hoarsely. ‘I really need to be with you when we leave.’ His body is taut and his chest moves up and down with short breaths.
I press my lips together to try and control the smile of triumph which wants to march across my face. I knew it was a given we’d see each other, but I’ve been waiting for him to verbalise it. ‘I want to see you too. Where’re you going to stay?’
‘Phew,’ says Karlos, wiping a hand down his cheek, ‘I was hoping you’d say that.’ He shrugs his shoulders. ‘Agh, I don’t have a place yet, but it’s alright. I’ll probably find a room somewhere. I just need to see you, that’s all.’
I place my hand on his arm and feel him shiver. I love the fact he’s so open and honest. He’s right. Why waste time? It’s not everyone who’s lucky enough to meet someone they just know is right. Why play games? I keep my hand resting on his arm and give it a small squeeze. ‘You could stay with me? I’ve got plenty of room in my place.’
He looks at me with narrow, glittering eyes. ‘You sure?’
I nod. ‘Of course. I’ve got a three-bedroomed house.’
‘Thank you,’ says Karlos, letting out a sigh of relief. ‘I won’t expect to stay for nothing. I’ll help pay the rent.’
I give him a smile. ‘It’s okay. I own it, courtesy of my Dad.’
‘You sure?’
I laugh. ‘Of course I’m sure.’ I take his hand and give it a squeeze. ‘It’s okay. I’ve got enough money for both of us for a while. I know you’ve had a hard time …’
‘I’ll try and help. I promise …’
I place my fingers against his lips. ‘I told you, it’s okay.’
‘Ahrrh,’ he groans, taking both my hands in his and squeezing them so I flinch. ‘We must go in otherwise I will take you right here in the hydrangeas.’
I giggle like a naughty schoolgirl and take my hands away to smooth down my hair and pick out the bits of grass which have lodged in it. ‘Better not go in together. You go in first.’
Karlos winks at me and gets up to stride nonchalantly back towards the building with his hands in his pockets. I look down at my watch and give him a minute before stepping lightly back across the grass. It feels as if I’m walking on marshmallows.
Nic gets up as I enter the lounge. ‘Lissa, can I talk to you?’
‘Sure.’ I shrug my shoulders.
Nic looks down at the pine wood floor. ‘I don’t want to interfere and I know I’ve irritated you somewhat.’ He clears his throat. I see a faint pink blush wash over him like sudden rosacea, highlighting the thin network of capillaries on his cheeks. ‘I just wanted to say I really don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get involved with Karlos.’
Anger tightens my chest. ‘It’s none of your business,’ I snap.
‘I’m sorry. It’s just … it’s going to be hard out there.’
‘What’s your case? Are you trying to say Karlos doesn’t have genuine feelings for me? Actually, if you must know he’s the most genuine person I’ve met; all the other men in my life have been fickle, good-looking bastards like you who’ve just fucked me over.’ I vomit out the words in a voice full of bile and bitterness, but I don’t care. He’s got no right to try and keep me and Karlos apart.
Nic retreats as if from a spitting cobra. ‘I’m sorry that’s what you think and I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. I just wanted to say be careful.’ He pauses and stares at me for a few seconds before muttering, ‘I wish you all the luck in the world.’
He turns abruptly and exits the room with heavy steps. I stand tense and panting as the door bangs shut behind him. Maybe that was a bit harsh of me. He looked really hurt. I must sound like a complete bitch. Perhaps I’ve misjudged him? Still, who’s he to judge Karlos? He doesn’t even really know him. Karlos is a far better judge of character than him.
Chapter 15
I click my case closed with a mixture of fear and excitement. Shaloma has given me hope, just like its slogan says. I shake my head and let out a wry laugh. It’s only been six weeks, but no more drunken caterpillar for me.
I give the rosy room a final sweep and pick up my suitcase.
Out in reception, Karlos is waiting. Helen gives me a wide smile but can’t hide the quizzical gaze in her eyes as she looks from me to Karlos. ‘You all set?’
I nod. ‘We’re giving Karlos a lift.’ I flinch at the high pitch of my voice.
Helen holds my gaze for a second in a disbelieving smile before handing me a leaflet. ‘These are our meeting times:
every Tuesday at 7.30pm, but there are also others you can join if the need is urgent. It’s really important for you both to attend regularly.’
‘Agh, thanks. I’ll be there. You too hey, Liss?’
‘Of course.’ I take the leaflet with a frown of irritation. I don’t need any reminders to spoil the moment. I’m quite aware it’s a lifelong sentence; they’ve told us that often enough.
Elsa pulls up outside, and I shake Helen’s hand. ‘Thank you for everything. I’ll see you Tuesday.’
Elsa runs up the stairs to hug me, followed by Nat. She takes my suitcase and waves her thanks to Helen. They both look alive with excitement and I’m so grateful to them for being here. I follow them to Elsa’s BMW. It’s all moving so fast for introductions but Karlos stays behind me. Both Nat and Elsa turn and look at him with frowns etched across their faces.
‘This is Karlos. He’s coming to stay with me for a bit.’
Nat gives me a startled deer look and utters a surprised, ‘Oh?’ Elsa continues to frown.
Karlos smiles and offers them both his hand to shake, but it’s all received curtly. He looks uncomfortable and I feel a ripple of anger in my belly. One minute we’re all happy and excited, and now they’re back in their protective mommy mode and being rude. Why do they still have this ridiculous need to look after me? They’ve got Greg and Dave and their cosy little homes so why the hell can’t I have someone, and why the fuck do I need their approval?
I glare at Elsa and turn to Karlos. ‘Put your case in the boot.’
‘Ja, of course. Let me put Lissa’s in first.’ He takes the case from Elsa with a smile which she doesn’t return and puts it in the boot before edging his next to it. We climb into the car in silence, and I bite my tongue to stop from cursing them for spoiling the joy of this moment.
We speed down the leafy driveway and along Musgrove Road with its white mansions before joining the busy crush of cars and belching diesel buses along Umgeni Road. I stare out the window at the many NP, ANC and DP election posters clumped together on the lamp-posts. A smattering of ACDP posters sit on some. There’s a tangible smell of excitement in the air.
‘Election’s here,’ says Nat, turning back to me with a wide smile. ‘It doesn’t seem possible, hey?’
I raise my eyebrows in agreement and glance at Karlos.
‘It feels like we’ve been on another planet,’ he says. ‘I’d forgotten all this was happening.’
‘Me too,’ I say with a twinge of guilt. Given my family’s fight against apartheid it should’ve stayed foremost in my mind, but it didn’t. How could it really? I guess we were shut off from the outside for a while, but I can’t deny how good it felt. Karlos’ leg moves closer to me and presses into mine. He intertwines his fingers around my hand and gives it a tight squeeze. My whole body tingles. I feel like a silly schoolgirl holding hands with her first love in the back of the car. It’s so intense, so beautiful, so erotic even. I return the squeeze and smile at him. I feel so lucky to be alive. There’s a deliciously sober thought.
That night it’s everything I thought it would be. Karlos is snoring softly next to me, his tanned body proud and naked in the warm air. We’ve left the fan on and its tickety-tockety rhythm is rocking me deliciously towards sleep. I draw in a deep breath and exhale slowly. Mike and I shared a lot of passionate panting and writhing but somehow it always left me feeling dirty. I guess it was because deep inside I knew he was using me. I look back at Karlos’ naked body and relive the passion of our love-making.
Chapter 16
I wake early as election day dawns. The calendar has a bright red circle surrounding the 17th April. It’s hard to believe that all South Africans are going to be making that historic little black cross together. Unbelievably, South Africa has done it! Apartheid’s coffin will be nailed for good. ‘Thank you, Lord, and thank you, Mandela,’ I whisper as I think back to the fragile government of national unity which has been teetering along for the past four years. We very nearly didn’t make it. I don’t blame Mandela for losing his patience. Just as well Roelf and Cyril found common ground in fly-fishing of all things. We are a mad country. It is a miracle we’ve got here at all.
The curtain flutters, ushering in the early morning air smelling like newly mown grass. Excitement tingles through me. I bet the whole country’s already awake, well, most of it anyway except for the AWB racist bastards who probably find this end of white domination their worst nightmare. Who would have thought it even as little as four years ago? No doubt they’ll try to stage another great trek into the great beyond, but I don’t think there’s anywhere left for them to run. I feel deliciously smug at the thought that justice has come around at last. At least what Dad worked for is coming to fruition.
I remember him and Thabo huddled over a pile of papers and envelopes the night before we left for the Transkei. It’s only five years ago but hope of change seemed impossible then. ‘Things are getting worse in the townships,’ Thabo had said, his face as furrowed as an eroded field. Dad’s posture had mirrored his. ‘Winnie’s not helping …’ he’d said, and Thabo had looked just as broken as he agreed, ‘Eitch, to kill a child like that.’ He was right. How could Winnie be behind that murder of little Stompie? Her radicalisation must have broken Mandela’s heart.
A brooding silence oozed through the room and the air had grown heavy. I can still see Dad so clearly, shuffling through the wad of papers before taking out a pile and placing them in a brown envelope. ‘I’ll get these to the Lusikisiki cell first thing tomorrow. This violence must end,’ he’d said, little realising that the next day his own life would be ended by that terrible violence. ‘Yebo,’ Thabo had replied, clearing his throat and pushing himself up from the couch like someone decades older than his fifty-three years. A mix of fear and heaviness had lodged itself in my spirit. I feared that the police must be getting suspicious of Dad’s frequent trips to the Transkei and that they’d be sure to be watching us, especially since the recent explosion at Natal Command. I felt deep inside that all this suffering, blood and violence would destroy us all in the end. And it has. It’s destroyed so many, including Dad.
I rub my hand across my forehead and blink my eyes to chase away the threatening tears. I’m sure Dad’s watching us from heaven and smiling down on this. He must be so proud to see the newspaper headlines proclaiming ‘Vote the Beloved Country’ rather than cry for it. I think back to Alan Paton’s book which ate into my soul when I’d read it as a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl. Now at last the green rolling hills he wrote about will be able to stand proud in all their glory. Shame he’s also not around any more to see it.
I shake my head to chase away the bitter memories and pick up my white satin gown from its untidy position on the chair. This is a day of celebration and we must go forward and not dwell on the past. I slip my feet into my matching satin slippers and pad over to the window and draw back the curtains to let in a slither of pale, early morning light. A light breeze ruffles my hair and I straighten and draw in a deep breath of the early morning freshness. I can’t remember a time when I felt as together as this, as strong inside and in control, but above all, so happy. I’ve been out of rehab a whole month without even the slightest craving and without any need for the silly weekly meetings. I really have defeated the bastard demon at last.
My thoughts of Shaloma jump to the memory of seeing Nic in the parking lot at La Lucia Mall, then again at the beachfront last week. I frown and shake away the feeling of unease as his face flickers through my mind. I swear it was also him yesterday when I went into the chemist – he always seems to be lurking somewhere in the background, watching us. It can’t be coincidence that we’re always in the same places. I bite my lip. Maybe I should tell Karlos he’s stalking me? He’ll probably smash his teeth in? He’s a farmer with the muscles to prove it. He knows how to throw a punch and Nic’s nothing compared to tackling a powerful cow or even a sheep for that matter. Karlos would floor him before he knew what hit him. I can’t help the
smile that slides across my face; two powerful kudu bulls locking horns and pushing and grunting to the death over me for a change, not Elsa; it does feel good.
I press my head against the burglar guards and stare up at the slowly lighting sky. It’s still very early and the full moon surrounded by a smattering of fading stars is still visible. The lower horizon is streaked with pink and orange and looks so beautiful and full of promise. A fitting start to this historic day.
I smile and turn to look at the sleeping figure of Karlos snoring under the covers. Nat’s harassed voice invades my peaceful thoughts. ‘It’s too soon,’ she’d said. ‘When it’s right, it’s right,’ I’d answered, straightening my back and looking directly at her. ‘I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.’
‘Liss, you don’t know him that well. Perhaps you need someone who hasn’t had a drinking problem?’ I’d become angry and shaken my head. ‘No, that’s where you’re wrong. You need someone who understands completely. We can help each other.’
‘Can’t he find somewhere else to stay now?’ Nat had asked with that stupid frown on her face. My anger had increased as I spat the words out. ‘No. He’d have to board somewhere and I’m not having that. I’m not a child. Let it be.’ But she hadn’t, and Elsa had called the same day, also anxious and going on about the quick affair.
I click my tongue at the memory. I feel like a rebellious teenager fighting with Mom. What is it with my sisters and their protectiveness? Why can’t they just trust my judgement?
I leave Karlos snoring, unlock the security gate and pad outside. I kick off my slippers and let my feet sink deep into the damp grass. The early morning dew is cold against my bare feet, but I don’t mind. I want to feel the grass between my toes and the soft soil under my feet. It makes me feel so grounded. The haunting call of a loan hornbill fills the early morning air mixed with the croak of waking frogs. God must be happy with us. ‘If you humble yourselves and pray,’ he promises, ‘I will heal your land.’ And he has. The miracle we all never thought would come, has actually happened. My body tingles with excitement. I’ll make coffee and wake Karlos. There’ll be a massive queue at the voting station. It’ll be better if we get there early.