These were the lies that created me.
My legs pushed against the invisible wall of water behind me. I kept going deeper and deeper into the ocean. I felt at peace there. I couldn’t think anymore, because the more I thought, the more I lost myself in my thoughts. I thought myself into corners, into dead ends and back around again. I had overanalyzed everything to a point where nothing made sense to me anymore. I wanted to take back everything I had said and done. I didn’t want to take it back out of regret, but because I wanted to be with Troy. I could not be that person and be with Troy, because he deserved so much more. My rage and frustration broke through to the surface as I emerged from the ocean furious. The wind breathed cold ice onto my ears and bit at my face with razor sharp teeth. Looking around and up to the sky, I saw that the clouds were breaking overhead and that a violet sky lurked behind the dark, stained clouds. The rain had subsided completely, making it easy for me to see the shoreline in the distance. I was exhausted – in all aspects. I let a wave carry me nearer the shore and staying in the ocean, I followed the shoreline, swimming passively and catching wave after wave. I was enjoying myself, but I knew I couldn’t stay there forever and that not working through all the bad things that had happened would only make me feel worse. I was more afraid of what I would become, rather than what I had already done. I had to resolve all my appalling feelings before I could be myself again and before I could beg Troy for his forgiveness. If I was going to be with him it had to be the real me, I just didn’t know who that was anymore.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, please. I am sorry for everything I have ever done,” I said out loud.
I kept repeating those words of remorse like a mantra until I was eventually washed up onto the beach and dumped onto the sand. I regretted changing myself and using my dark side, including becoming a despicable being. I was sorry for taking the easy way out. I was sorry for being such a coward. I was consumed by so much hate, yet somehow, I had become the very thing that I had hated. Fuelled by my insecurities, I wanted to have power and look what had happened. I had ruined everything. I had ruined myself. That is not something you could offer someone you wanted to be with.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I repeated persistently, but the tears never came. I didn’t feel myself break with forgiveness. I only felt more rage.
I walked up the embankment. Naked, cold and shivering, I collapsed on the sand. I thought of the rage and hatred I had felt earlier, and I went numb. I needed to break myself, this thing inside me, before I could forgive myself. I had to strip myself of everything I wasn’t to find myself, to be human again. I wanted to destroy every single part of this darkness and to hit hard against the dreadfulness that was me, until I had chipped away every single piece of regret. Regret was my next fall. I then wanted to stomp those pieces deep into the fires of my wounded soul. I was determined to destroy that part of myself, not to kill myself, but to destroy myself. I wanted to hurt myself so badly that I would finally feel something, so that I could feel guilt for killing Enoch and for using my body as a powerful tool. Trying to climb further up the embankment was like climbing up a wall of quicksand. It had rained for so long that the red sand had been washed onto the beach. As I finally reached the top of the embankment, I realized where I had taken myself. I was back where it had all began. The Zulu Kingdom lay before me, high up above the scarred land. Black ash and mud covered the land far and wide. I kept walking and walking until I encountered some guards. They scrambled to get away at the sight of me. The stench of evil and death hung in the air like hell itself. I hated the place, severely hated it, but not as much as I hated myself at that point. All I could feel was hate and intense anger. I could feel nothing else. I wanted to be moved by love. I wanted to feel love, something, anything, but the destruction within. As I got to the empty throne, a dreadful wrath rose up inside me like a dark flame and once more a supernova exploded within me, flattening everything in its path. The villagers screamed and crawled away from me. I climbed up onto the platform where the throne stood. My body was covered in mud. The witchdoctor’s throne became a symbol of my self-hate as it stared at me and taunted me. I held out my hand and screamed as the fury built up. Anger surged through my body and shot out through my hand, obliterating the throne. Pieces of bone, stone and leather flung through the air. Not feeling any better, I turned to the guards who stood in a half circle a short distance away from me. I could see clearly over the entire expanse of the Zulu Kingdom. The three crescent moons smiled down on me, their beams setting the night on fire. I had spent the entire day in the ocean, wasting away. Despite the fact that the moons were one-eighth of their normal size, they shone down with an iridescent glow that sprawled long shadows across the soaked ground. I realized that that was what the ancestors’ spirit had meant when he had talked about the moons smiling, and that was when the ceremony was meant to take place; why all the Zulu people had been dressed in their traditional clothing. What do I need to do to make it all go away? I pleaded for an answer, any answer. The number of guards surrounding me increased as I sat down on the steps of what was left of the platform. The cold stone stung my naked skin. I just sat there with my hands under my chin, blankly staring at them.
“What are you waiting for?” I asked them. “Come and get me.”
They just stood there. The villagers came closer as my anger faded to sadness, a hollow dark sadness I wanted to lose myself in. I caught a glimpse of the young queen’s face as she pushed her way through the crowd. I sighed in relief that she had not been harmed. One less death on my conscience, I thought. I stood up and walked a few paces into the thick of the mud. My shadow stretched tall and thin in front of me – like a snake. I didn’t flinch on realizing I was entirely unclothed. I didn’t feel naked. I felt smothered by the filth that was I. The regret clung to me like a thick coat and dragged me down to the ground. The young queen shouted out as the Zulu warriors repeatedly hit me, whipped me and kicked me. They struck me with the back of their spears. I felt my skin pop open with every blow. They didn’t care, why should I have?
“Is that all you’ve got?” I yelled as I looked up at them and wiped the blood from my face. It was the same strange red as before. I smiled. I am still me.
I stared at them vacantly as their fists came crashing into my face. Each blow made me feel a little less. I didn’t want them to stop. I wanted them to beat the poison out of me. I wanted my loathing to bleed out of me with every blow that hit me. I felt myself slipping away. I coiled up into a small ball and hoped that I would disappear under their fists. I should never have traded my virginity for power. When Troy kissed me, it was like a promise that everything would be okay. Well, nothing was okay and it would never be okay. There is nothing I can do to make it all stop. I did what I did and there was no taking it back. I was trash..…
“Stop!” a deep voice boomed through the night air and then there was silence.
The guards stepped back. I took a deep, painful breath. It was Kronan. I felt my stomach tighten. I didn’t want to him to be there. I didn’t want him to save me. His big hands came down toward me and lifted me off the cold, hard ground. My knees bloody and bruised and the cuts on my face began to sting, followed by those on the rest of my body. The pain still didn’t compare to the pain caused by the cut within me. Inside me, was a big, gaping wound that I was certain would never heal, and an emptiness that would never be filled. I cried, not because I pitied myself, but because nothing and no amount of beating would make me feel better.
Anaya draped a cloak over me, “That’s not true,”
She came into view, her eyes hollow and sad. She pulled the hood over my head and drew me to her.
“What have we done to you?” she said softly.
I felt nothing.
“Leave me,” I said to them.
“Stupid girl,” Tatos replied and snorted.
I looked around. The guards were crouched at our feet. The whole tribe had gathered to c
ome and see the display I had put on earlier. The whole platform, every skull and every piece of rock had shattered and were laying in pieces all around us. The witchdoctor will never come back, I thought to myself.
“He will never come back!” I screamed out loud so that everyone would hear me.
“You did this?” Kronan inquired, his eyes trailing over the evidence.
“Yes,” I said plainly. “I would do it again if I knew it would make things better.” My eyes searched his.
“Let’s go,” Anaya said.
“Wait.” The young queen came to my side. She held out a tiny gemmed cross for me to take. “I wanted to say thank you,” she said softly.
Her hands were free from any beads and her head was free of the heavy looking wrappings she had worn earlier. She was now plain and beautiful – just herself. She enfolded her small, warm hands around mine. Our eyes met.
“We have found liberation.” she said.
I frowned.
“When you destroyed the prince and my evil husband gave in to your power, you set us free.”
I couldn’t understand what she was going on about as I thought I had done nothing but destroy everything in my path. I looked into the faces of the women and children who had gathered around us. Where there had been despair and fear, there was now a flicker of hope. The young queen and I shared a warm hug.
“I’m glad you are okay,” I said to her.
“You, too, will be just fine,” she whispered into my ear before releasing me.
Hooking my arm into Anaya’s, I walked off into the distance with her, leaving the ruins of my life scattered among the debris and ash. I knew that if I was going to return home, I would have to suppress what I had become, swallow the urges and carry on as if it had never happened. Maybe I had done some good after all? The thought shone in my mind for a second before the bitterness set in, along with the remorse. I automatically enfolded myself in the numbness that would, from that day forward, be a part of me forever.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Motionless
I never asked Troy how, or if, he came back from the dead, but standing in my room I knew everything would be just fine. I was just happy that he was alive and I had gotten a chance to make things right, it would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life. Most days the sorrow and guilt weighed heavily on me, making it hard for me to breathe. I still couldn’t believe I had given myself to the enemy, to become like him was a horrible feeling. Kim had prescribed some tablets for my anxiety, but we knew full well that medication was not the solution. Kronan offered to do a spell, but I declined his proposal. I had to deal with the remorse in my own way. I had begged Anaya and the Council to ease me back into school. The threat had been eliminated, so there was no reason why I couldn’t go home. I would have two homes when I went back, one with Sam and one with Maya. I got to enjoy the best of both worlds, although I hadn’t returned to the Minoan village as the scars were still too fresh. At times, I couldn’t escape from my rage. I occasionally snapped and lost my temper completely, often breaking things. I felt like I was coming apart at the seams and some days, I was so depressed I would just stay in bed and sleep most of the day away. For some reason, the Council wasn’t really interacting with me. I preferred it that way, though. I hadn’t seen Troy yet, but I had spoken to him on the device for many long hours, mostly with him begging to come pick me up, to spend some time with me. I had to tell him almost every day that I wasn’t ready to see him, my reasoning being that I was convinced that once I saw him, it would pull me off course in an instant and drastically hinder my progress. He wouldn’t ask what was going on inside my head, he just trusted me. However, the truth was that I hadn’t made any progress at all. Nothing I did and no amount of thinking removed the numbness from my mind. It didn’t even make a dent. I had no idea how to remove the part of my mind that was blocking my ability to feel. The only thing I could think of was to scratch the wound open and to pick at it. Some days, I made myself sick with the trash I was filling my head with. I knew that ignoring a problem and burying it would only result in it festering until the day it burst open and all the nastiness came raging through, and I would become that thing again. Whereas, picking at it and analyzing it would result in it being dealt with – then it would all go away, or so I hoped. But, I was not ready to feel that yet.
“I’ll wait for you… for now,” Troy said, his voice smooth and inviting as always. “Then, I will come and fetch you.”
I laughed softly.
“Why are you laughing? I would be scared of me if I were you.”
“Why’s that Troy?” I asked.
“Because, once you see me, you will see the truth and you’ll have to deal with it,” he replied.
I knew what he meant. I hadn’t accepted the truth yet. To be honest, I was damn scared, but I knew I couldn’t hide forever.
The weeks passed by. I kept myself busy with gymnastics, completing art projects and focusing on my studies. Things had changed at school and in the city. We had more freedom. This was very strange to me indeed. I knew the Council was up to something, but what? I had signed up for extra subjects – foreign languages such as Zulu and Dutch, and economics. I had also started taking dance classes. I got a job at the library and spent most of my nights there, losing myself in books. I chose the library, because at the time it was the quietest place on Poseidon. I would sometimes ignore Troy’s phone calls. Every now and then, I was so despondent, I couldn’t let him in. Escaping by reading books helped a bit. On the weekends I didn’t work, Sam and Sage would kidnap me and we would spend a few hours at the lake by the ruins. It was great that Sage was back with us. After a few sessions of counseling we could already see a change in her. The scars were healing. She was a strong girl. She was definitely stronger than I was. She couldn’t remember much of her kidnapping, or the reason why she had been kidnapped, but we all knew what it was. Her clairvoyance had disappeared completely though. I was convinced that the witchdoctor had taken it from her. Spring had finally arrived. Purple flowers carpeted the forest floor once more, blossoms lighted up the landscape, the hills had turned from brown to green and the orchids’ beauty had been restored, dotting the streets with pink blossoms. They were just as beautiful as I remembered them being when I was a child. All around us the signs of summer setting in had begun cropping up. Silverwood Forest was bursting with life. In fact, the whole planet was. Everything had transformed into one or another shade of green. The sun warmed up the lake beautifully and swimming was a pleasure. Everything had been restored to its rightful condition and all was right with the world. However, one single thought prevailed in my mind: Why does it feel like a lie?
I was sitting under a dim light in the library in the early morning hours, my head buried in a novel. I accidentally cut my finger on one of the pages and stared at the strange color of my blood, still pondering what I was. Enoch knew, and I wondered if I would ever know what he meant by “What you are, what is inside of you”. I sucked on my finger to clean the blood, but when I pulled back there was something else, something mechanical. I pulled at the skin to get a closer look, when I heard footsteps making their way down the long hallway.
“Sam said I would find you here,” a voice said.
I peered over the book’s rim to find that a whole group of people had entered the room. Maya, Tatos, Kronan, Anaya and Kim – just about everyone I was avoiding. My stomach dropped.
“You do realize that it is almost daybreak,” Maya said as they drew near.
“Uh-huh,” I replied.
“Sam says she hardly sees you.”
“Uh-huh,” I said again, my eyes straying back to the page of the book I was reading.
Suddenly, the book was pulled out of my grip and I glared at Maya as it flew through the air and into her hand. She has a new power. Good for her, I thought. I wanted nothing more to do with my powers. I had left them on the steps of the wrecked platform among the ashes of my life.
; “Oh, come on,” I said, glowering at her as she placed the book on a table beside her. “It was getting good.” I clicked my tongue out of irritation.
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